Let’s make one thing clear up front— If you are pretending to be friends with a woman and you want more than friendship, you are being deceitful.

You are not being mature. You’re not being a “good” friend, and valuing her as a person—in fact, you’re the opposite of a good friend. You are being dishonest with your intent. You are a deceptive Nice Guy.

The Friendzone is an emotional prison of one’s own design. There are three primary reasons why men find themselves in Friendzone situations:

Scarcity mindset: You believe this is the only person you will ever connect with on deep level, or you will never find as anyone as attractive that will have you in their orbit. Any type of affection from this person—even if it’s solely platonic—is better than not having them in your life at all.

No self-prioritization: The object of your affection is put on a pedestal. To them, you are a low priority, even if they aren’t being intentionally hurtful. You, on the other hand, spend the majority of your emotional energy on them. You choose to have them in your life, even if it is unhealthy and torturous for you.

Dishonesty with intent: You are dishonest with your actions around them: you have never expressed your true feelings; or your romantic feelings have been rejected, and you falsely convey satisfaction with platonic friendship. You believe the fairytale that undying devotion eventually turns into love or attraction.

There are usually two types of friendzone situations—

Scenario A): The woman in this scenario has always felt some sort of attraction toward the guy, but for circumstantial reasons (either one was in relationship, distance, timing, etc.), nothing ever took off. I don’t believe this is a true friendzone situation, because the dynamic is not totally platonic. In this scenario, she has likely had at least a moderate level of attraction or a crush at some point.

Scenario B): The women had brief/low level attraction at some point, or none at all. The dynamic is skewed—he has romantic feelings towards her, she feels nothing romantically.

It’s extremely important to realize that in Scenario B—in the vast majority of cases— it isn’t true friendship. She knows he has feelings, but his feelings are inconsequential to her:

He is nothing more than a reliable source of attention and validation for her. When someone comes along who actually sparks emotion in her, he will likely be phased out, or strung along indefinitely.

Can a guy break out of the Friendzone in both scenarios? Of course— it’s going to be easier in Scenario A, but nothing is guaranteed. Despite her previous attraction, he is still framed as a friend. Scenario A guy still has his work cut out for him.

In most cases, Scenario B will be extremely difficult. Despite being his “friend”, she fundamentally has a lack of respect for him. If she did, she wouldn’t string him along for her validation needs.

Most guys try to break out of the friendzone like they’re in the movies— and it most always leads to disaster. They make some grand confession to the girl, which she knows is coming, but is dreading. They “confess” their feelings, because it’s been weighing so heavily on them, they just blurt it out to no longer deal with the emotional stress.

If you are serious about breaking out of the friendzone, never do this. It makes women feel trapped, which you never want to do. You have to demonstrate value to her and gradually begin framing as someone who is not scared to be sexual around her.

Gradually start being more flirtatious. Don’t lay it on thick all at once. Make a lightly flirtatious comment about how she looks good in something that she’s wearing , or how good she looks cute that day. Next time, incorporate some light, subtle touch. Lightly hold her hands “princess style” and compliment her jewelry. Touch is crucial in building attraction. Demonstrate that you’re not going to wait around for her. So many guys who are in a friendzone demonstrate the same type of loyalty that they would to their girlfriend. SHE ISN’T YOUR GIRLFRIEND AND YOU DON’T OWE HER ANYTHING. You must keep your dating options open, and explore those options. Don’t rub it in her face, but don’t hide it either. Be nonchalant. Make her know what it would be like to lose you. Actually ask her out. Don’t make it a coffee date, where there is room for misinterpretation. Make it clear that it’s a date. You have to eventually cross the threshold and make it abundantly clear friendship isn’t your attention. Don’t make it a big deal though, be chill, don’t make a grand confession of feelings. Even if you play your cards right, you’re still going to face an uphill battle getting out of the friend zone.

Some guys play the long game, and it works for them. But in those cases, they likely demonstrated value in some manner—had a good reputation in a shared social circle, dated other women, etc.

Distancing yourself

If you have feelings for a woman, and she says she wants to be friends, you have every right to distance yourself. In fact, it's the right thing to do.

Some women get pissed when this happens. If she’s a true friend, she should understand and want you to do what’s best for you. As mentioned previously, in these type of situations, she ISN’T A TRUE FRIEND. She simply wants easy validation, attention, and adoration, without giving anything in return.

Your happiness and mental health should be prioritized. Guys waste years waiting in the wings hoping a girl will come around, and it never does. So much opportunity is wasted, and it’s a tragedy to see.

If you distance yourself, it will be tempting to try to reject her back, or lose your cool. Don’t go this route. Simply tell her that you want more than friendship, and it would be dishonest to pretend to want otherwise. Sincerely wish her the best.

She will likely reach out again. It will be tempted to get back drawn in, but you have to remember to prioritize yourself first. You only want to dedicate time and energy to those who value you.

Full article on topic: https://modating.substack.com/p/some-uncomfortable-truths-about-the