I get these type of text messages all the time. I'm sure a lot of you guys can relate. (Needless to say, I had to resist and I didn't reply)

blueoak9 · 2012-09-20T15:17:08+00:00

Reminds me of the tactics that this divorced father had come to expect:

As my visitation weekend drew closer, I had a stong feeling that something was amiss. A little league tryout was scheduled for the Saturday morning of my visitation weekend and I was curious why the heroic single mother had not yet sent me a snarky e-mail ordering me to take my son to the tryout. She knows full well I will be there at the tryout anyway and that I don’t need to be told, but she still enjoys pretending that I am such a louse that I must be ordered to be there. With the absence of the e-mail, my best guess was that she was hoping I knew nothing of the tryout and then later she could cry foul that I refused to take him.

rbean44 · 2012-09-20T16:59:31+00:00

This is called Projective Identification. It's a pathological-level defense mechanism. She's trying to provoke you into thinking you are the bad parent so she can fool herself into thinking she isn't. I deal with this all the time from my ex; it's frustrating, but realize in reality this is her unwittingly admitting she feels like she is the bad parent.

cynwrig · 2012-09-20T15:59:10+00:00

Your ex's tone leads me to assume the Yakuza runs the library at your kids school.

docsquidly · 2012-09-20T13:15:40+00:00

Any background on this? I assume its your ex saying that you don't love your kid because of a missing library book?

kronox · 2012-09-20T14:02:44+00:00

This is exactly what I dealt with before I got my 50% custody and restraining order against the mom. It was literally everyday. And its all about money, not the needs of the child. She wants to hurt you by making you pay money and not seeing your child. The interests of the child might as well be on another planet.

SonsOfLiberty86 · 2012-09-20T16:40:03+00:00

I get texts like this... they suck. I know that feel bro.

McFeely_Smackup · 2012-09-20T16:11:57+00:00

There seems like a very simple solution to things like this.

Reply "thanks, I'll add this message to the file with the others".

Make her THINK about what other people will make of a person who sends messages like this, and she'll probably start sending nothing but polite and courteous messages.

Jovial_Gorilla · 2012-09-20T19:04:04+00:00

I don't get texts like these thanks to this subreddit and Tom Leykis. Thanks to your advice, I have no kids.

unscathed · 2012-09-20T16:49:22+00:00

Yep. Almost once a week I get some shitty comment like that.

You did the right thing. I just ignore pretty much everything and follow the decree.

acidforbreakfast · 2012-09-20T22:00:40+00:00

my mother used too do this shit too my dad after they got a divorce. I was about 10 or 11. She force me too call him and tell him i hate him, tell him he's a loser, a deadbeat all this horrible shit. Somethings i wasn't even comfortable saying, i felt so horrible about it. The second after i did i'd call him back an apologize. He knew i had too, if i didn't i'd get a nice beating from my mom. I really sympathize with fathers that have too deal with things like this, same goes for the kids. They're stuck in the middle sometimes, not fun.

RevLoki · 2012-09-20T20:42:07+00:00

I'm assuming this is your first year of the custody agreement. It gets better... trust me. It won't get perfect. But it get's better. I'm not saying to take this kind of abuse, but don't lash-back. Don't reply and don't feed her ego. Any response proves her right in her mind. Remember: in her mind, you're the problem and she thinks that she can A) still control you and B) tell you how to run your household. She can't do either. After time and after everything works fine for a while, she's gonna realize that she can't say those kind of things to you.

I highly recommend the book Divorce Poison: Protecting the Parent-Child Bond from a Vindictive Ex. Despite your situation, whether you're just separated or even if she isn't "vindictive", and even if she isn't badmouthing you to the child (which is highly unlikely the case. Most do.) this book goes over a lot of the scenarios you're probably running up against. It was a life-saver for me.

elucubra · 2012-09-20T18:01:28+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Knight_of_Malta · 2012-09-20T19:09:55+00:00

No, actually. I don't get those messages all the time. I do feel for you though :(

Trosso · 2012-09-20T19:21:17+00:00

i feel for you man.

Lasthcompany · 2012-09-20T23:30:09+00:00

I just sat there for three minutes trying to piece the retardese that I just saw (Grammar Nazi, reporting).

It's not becaue she's a woman, it's more that I can't read it because I can't see a coherent sentence from all those exclamation marks, and shift in emotional context.

First, it's angry, then, it's happy, then, angry again. What the hell?

thelunchboxosu · 2012-09-20T14:36:53+00:00

Running CM9 I see...

DirtyTre · 2012-09-20T19:57:39+00:00

This makes me so ill, and it has always been so obvious that it is her flaw and not mine which causes the comments.

"This goes without saying, but please give her a nap." "She's a creature of habit and really needs her schedule. But feel free to do whatever you want."

Etc.

The jerk will even hand me back toys and gifts that come from me or my parents, but sends her to my house with toys and clothes all the time.

It's absolutely about control and masking the blame of being the one in the relationship to choose this path. It makes me so sick.

SenorSpicyBeans · 2012-09-20T20:44:02+00:00

The juxtaposition of the word "thanks", and the following "OH, and by the way, you're a worthless piece of shit" really threw me for a loop.

Razamataz · 2012-09-20T20:45:42+00:00

kill them with kindness

z0z0z · 2012-09-20T21:47:38+00:00

It's nice to see from your responses that you are calm, loving and free of spite regardless.

Drutarg · 2012-09-20T16:42:20+00:00

This, gentlemen, is why you don't stick your dick in crazy.

modern_quill · 2012-09-20T15:34:35+00:00

The only feasible response to these text messages that I could give would be, "I do love my daughter, but I wish I could hate you to death."

Then again, I have no filter. So don't do what I'd do. :)

2012-09-20T18:53:56+00:00

Wow I would lose it.

2012-09-21T17:41:52+00:00

Can't agree that it always gets better. My ex, saint and martyr, constantly holds the kids in front of her while saying this type of shit. Two weeks ago, she send me a note saying, "I made an appointment for your daughter to get some labs done Saturday morning." I replied, "I get her two weekends a month and they won't be spent in lab waiting rooms. Plus, you don't know my schedule and you can't schedule my time."

She replied by copying three lawyers, my current wife, my daughter's care coordinator, and a bunch of her friends about what an awful father I am for not "putting my daughter first."

EvilShallWin · 2012-09-27T21:18:31+00:00

If you even responded with ANYTHING bad, you should have expected to lose custody of your daughter right then and there. She is trying to bait you into saying something angry and then she will portray you as some crazy, violent psycho.

Don't fall for the bait. Simple response: Block her from texts. Only allow her to call you. If she calls with this shit, then you can file for harassment. Either that, or she'll do this shit less often.

Bobwayne17 · 2012-09-20T17:13:14+00:00

I'm glad I don't deal with this shit yet, but someday I will I'm sure. Oh sigh :(.

poop_dawg · 2012-09-20T19:51:45+00:00

I doubt a lot of people will agree with this... but I don't really see how this is worthy of men's rights. It's just some dumb lady trying to piss you off and making stupid accusations. She didn't say anything sexist to you (or even anything about you being a man) and so far as I know your rights weren't infringed. She probably treats a lot of people like this, male and female, just because she's a bad person.

I haven't seen anyone else say this though, so maybe I'm missing something. If someone would like to discuss/explain it, I'd be most appreciative.

edit: knew this would happen. Just genuinely confused, guys. Why do I trust people will follow reddiquette anymore?

I_wearnopants · 2012-09-20T16:45:23+00:00

Too bad you can't block her number... also it would be nice if she was a bit more mature about this.

2012-09-20T17:56:21+00:00

It's stuff like this...

anachronic · 2012-09-20T18:00:54+00:00

I never get text messages like that.... Then again, I didn't decide to marry a crazy person and have babies with her. YMMV.

ohreally101 · 2012-09-20T15:44:50+00:00

Don't take daughter's school textbooks to school, because lazy and forgetful.

Child's mother reminds me.

Refuse to take books to school, refuse to answer phone, because I'm too much of a rebel, like House M.D.

I wonder why she wants full custody? Probably misandry.

Maybe, she wants her daughter to go to school with books and learn? And you're so fucked in the head, you take that as a personal insult and assume she's trying to be a bitch because her motivation is mens' reactions. Maybe the world doesn't revolve around you, and you need to grow up.

Title	I get these type of text messages all the time. I'm sure a lot of you guys can relate. (Needless to say, I had to resist and I didn't reply)
Author	disfordamn
Upvotes	399
Comments	169
Date	September 20, 2012 1:12 PM UTC (13 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/106uqi/i_get_these_type_of_text_messages_all_the_time_im/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/i-get-these-type-of-text-messages-all-the-time-im.1013168 https://theredarchive.com/post/1013168

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