How do you avoid turning into a LVW when you’re at a point where you want to start a family?

rainbowforeskin · 2021-09-24T20:38:45+00:00

freeze your eggs if possible

catsuramen · 2021-09-24T20:02:49+00:00

Birds of the same feather flock together. Be friends with other HVW and mingle in their crowd. At best, you meet your HV friend's brother/best-friend/cousin and start vetting. At worse, you still surround yourself with HVW to knit and be cat ladies together.

masterofthebarkarts · 2021-09-24T18:37:31+00:00

Here's the thing: you cannot control whether you find someone to have kids with. You can only control your own behaviour.

How do you avoid becoming a LVW when you want kids/a traditional family? You decide that having those things is less important than maintaining your standards and boundaries. You remind yourself that you will be much more miserable if you settle for a LVM just to have a family than if you stay alone.

Does this mean you may end up unmarried and childless, if you don't want to become a single parent by choice? Yes. Is it better to be alone than to be miserable in a relationship with someone who treats you poorly? I think so. Yes, having kids is incredibly important to some people, but if you think an unhappy relationship is hard, just try having one with kids.

If you aren't willing to adopt or do a sperm bank, you've already made the choice that it's traditional family or bust. So you can either work to change your mindset (as a child of a single mother I was a helluva lot happier than my friends whose parents were unhappily married, just saying) or make peace with the fact that you may not have children.

If you love kids and want to be a good influence in the lives of children, look into fostering or volunteering. No, it isn't a child and family of your own, but you are still doing a lot of good in the world. It's something you CAN control, and it's healthier to focus on that than on the things you can't (ie., the availability of a healthy partner to start a family with).

MovieTheaterPopcornn · 2021-09-24T17:35:00+00:00

I had high standards and my own parents were telling me I should lower them. I dated a lot but for short periods of time (it was rare that someone got past a second date). When I met my husband, we took things very slow. We became friends before we started dating so I knew very quickly that he was the one. So basically…

Never lower your standards
Date a lot
Don’t waste your time with someone if you’re looking forward to going home to your own hobbies during the date
If someone piques your interest, take it slow
I truly believe you can know within three months if the relationship is worth pursuing

Mentally, I had a 1 year limit to date prior to engagement. We ended up getting engaged before that due to the foundation we had built during our friendship but if the one year anniversary of dating had come up and he wasn’t prepared to propose, I would have moved on.

We have three daughters now (one of the reasons I follow FDS despite being happily married) and I would encourage them all to go through the same process to find the right man when they’re adults.

I hope you can find something in what I’ve written that helps! Good luck to you!

ASeaOfQuotes · 2021-09-24T15:32:05+00:00

I think the most paramount thing is to think of your own happiness, finding a HV partner, as a step to having healthy and happy children. When you put the needs of your future children before your desire to just have them, as a rite of passage, you can focus yourself on selecting a partner who meets your standards and will be a good father.

Simply put, if you are unhappy, stressed, overworked, under appreciated, and tired because you have to spend all of your mental, emotional, and physical energy on a LVM, your children will suffer for it.

You also can look into choosing to have a child and be a single parent, whether that’s through adoption or sperm donation. It’s still a family. Especially if your parents and siblings want to be involved.

modernmedusaa · 2021-09-24T20:28:11+00:00

Go listen to my pick me mom complain about her scrote for half an hour and I'm good

thyroidcrp · 2021-09-24T17:22:57+00:00

Honestly, its a struggle all women who want marriage and kids face when that invisible clock starts ticking in the mind. You start feeling “he wasn’t that bad, I could push through it for next 30 at least I’d have my kids etc” so the first thing I do is I look at the unhappily married people I know who have settled for LVM and hate their lives at the moment. I tell myself being alone (for the time being) saves me the stress of having a husband who cheats or verbally abuses me. The second thing I do is remind myself I may be alone right now but I WON’T be forever. The HVM man I want is out there and we just haven’t crossed paths yet but we will; why would I prolong the chance of meeting him if I put my effort into a LVM who will no doubt waste my time, cause me stress, and make me regret my decision to settle?

letsberealforamoment · 2021-09-24T18:27:28+00:00

Easy. You don't marry or start a family with a LVM. Or if he turns into a LVM prior to marriage or kids, then you have the emotional fortitude and confidence to walk away. Or if he turns into a LVM after marriage and kids, then you make sure you have the financial means to leave and then LEAVE and get divorced.

heaudle · 2021-09-24T23:05:41+00:00

Women should really consider building families with other women. I don't mean as romantic partners, but those sharing the dream of wanting to have and raise a family. There are so many more women than men who will be able to contribute the life long support you'll need for a family as opposed to a man. LVM are abundant and they won't be changing any time soon. It's realistically impossible for every single woman, FDS or not, to have a HVM right now. When women start having children and creating families with other women life will go better for them. Find you a circle of HVW and start whenever you like. They won't ruin your life like a LVM would. Yes, knowing what we know now women have to start structuring their lives differently. There are so many more benefits to women supporting and being there for each other through childrearing. You might not have the romantic relationship you want right now but you could have a family.

LetsGetin_Formation · 2021-09-24T17:31:27+00:00

I think some true, HVW don’t always make it to marriage much less marriage with kids because those are the ones who hold themselves accountable to leaving men who end up being low value. A vast vast vast majority of men are low value. Even the ones that try to be HV can turn LV, just like you said women can.

We ALL are capable of become LV. That’s the problem. Women think men are permanently HV if they act high value for a certain amount to time. But when the mask or effort slips, or when faced with stress or serious temptation (usually sexual) you can’t predict how men will react, even the ones who want to be good or are excellent at pretending to be.

So to answer your question, I don’t think a woman can have a family unless she’s willing to leave her man if he is in any way unfaithful (cheats, lies, porn, whatever).

In most intact families, even the “happy” families, the wife and mother is hiding a number of secrets from their children, ones you may never fathom, about her husband. And it makes sense, if the mother is going to stay, and is committed to keeping a happy and healthy home, it’s emotionally safer for the kids not to know their fathers indiscretions.

This may sound radical but I don’t think any woman should get married without a solid plan for if her man completely breaks her trust during pregnancy or after birthing all of his children. Sure he’s great for now but what if he changes? Are you willing to be a single mother? Or one trapped in a relationship to keep the family together?

Life is complicated. Just be prepared to deal with an adult male for the rest of your life, knowing they are unpredictable and often change once children are involved and they’re not the center of the universe. Everything has a risk. Knowing what I know about men and children and marriage and the stress of it all, I’m questing if it’s worth the risk.

dancedancedance7 · 2021-09-24T21:09:22+00:00

I think that's actually a good way to stay HV. Being a great parent begins before the kids even exist. You choosing the right partner is kind of a matter of life and death, since who is in their lives and by your side determines so much about what life they can have.

I think it's also important to decouple having children from securing the right partner. There are options nowadays and the other users have mentioned them.

Vieira828 · 2021-09-24T17:20:36+00:00

I’m in the same situation and my advice is the best thing you can do for your kids is to give them a loving and healthy home. You cannot create that with a LVM, and so for me anyway the goal isn’t just to have a family but to create a loving and healthy home for my kids to grow up in.

KindOfOldNewGirl · 2021-09-24T18:58:35+00:00

Just because you want something doesn't mean you're entitled to it. I think in life, I've accepted that I may never get married and that's alright.

Why not be a single parent if a family is important to you?

darkhorse8419 · 2021-09-25T07:00:46+00:00

I was married to a HVM and he passed away. You can have a plan for your life and it won’t necessarily go the way too want . If you settle for an LVM just to have a child, what if you die? You want your child stuck with a man who will be a shitty parent? Nothing wrong width what you want, just be open to other possibilities. Life cannot be planned.

_-Laniakea-_ · 2021-09-24T16:46:33+00:00

Have you ever considered sharing your life non-romantically with a woman?

hedwighedgehog99 · 2021-09-24T18:04:28+00:00

Being an HVW should be independent of who we marry or if we have kids, but those choices are going to make things a lot easier or harder in your life. I think a lot of older women I knew growing up were hvw in their lives, in spite of these terrible men they were married to, and the demands of motherhood coupled with marriage to lvm. Now that we know more about gendered abuse and how to read into and avoid relationships with men like this, I'm very hopeful that the next generation of women will be able to soar even higher.

If you have kids, you need to work very hard to keep your own friendships, goals, dreams and financial plans on track. But what a great role model for your kids, to see mom play a sport once a week, or play in a band, or take a class. If my ex could watch football for 3h, 2x a week on TV, he sure as he'll can watch his own kids so I can take a class or do whatever I want for the same amount of time.

Title	How do you avoid turning into a LVW when you’re at a point where you want to start a family?
Author	taylor232424
Upvotes	222
Comments	62
Date	September 24, 2021 3:22 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/pum1x3/how_do_you_avoid_turning_into_a_lvw_when_youre_at/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/how-do-you-avoid-turning-into-a-lvw-when-youre-at.1074580 https://theredarchive.com/post/1074580

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