From Lundy Bancroft, "Why does he do that?". Re-reading and came across one of my favourite section of the book. It helped me recognise that "sorry" doesn't mean shit from men. If he wanted to, he would.

Easymodelife · 2021-10-08T12:04:31+00:00

Even in the example, he only apologises because he doesn't enjoy living with the consequences of his actions. Not because he feels bad about what he did. He just wants to undo the negative effects on him. An apology for those reasons is meaningless as far as I'm concerned.

ThrowRA_lantern · 2021-10-08T11:44:40+00:00

I love Lundy Bancroft! I wish I had read this book before my ex came into my life (rather than after I had been through hell and back with that ex). That way, I would’ve gotten out on the first red flag “apology”. It was amazing that before the abuse, I was actually thinking all these things stated in Bancroft’s book, but during the abuse, I was too soft and let him gaslight me into thinking HE was more correct...

Not in an abusive relationship now, but thank you again for this reminder. This section of the book still resonates with me so much and I feel like EVERYONE should learn these basics to accountability and responsibility.

DivineGoddess1111111 · 2021-10-08T12:45:52+00:00

I've started reading just book recently. The biggest takeaway I have got so far is that abusers are beyond rehabilitation. There might be one in thousands but they are rare. So if he shows the signs of an abuser, hit the road and don't look back. He will never change.

fg_hj · 2021-10-08T12:35:46+00:00

Here’s the book as a free eBook:

https://dk1lib.org/s/Why%20does%20he%20do%20that%20Lundy%20Bancroft%20

All women have to read it.

Suspicious_Bad_5178 · 2021-10-08T13:25:27+00:00

Sometimes I come across these informative contents and it still hits me hard how abusive my former relationships were. And that they were actually mean and evil and they WANTED and CHOSE TO hurt me.

Excellent post.

Platipus6 · 2021-10-08T21:22:17+00:00

I told my ex that he had to start these steps and admit fully what he had done and that it was abusive.

HE RAN lmao.

Minimized what he did, claiming he wasn't perfect and that he couldn't be sure he could always avoid "putting his foot in his mouth". Bruh, it was years of constant verbal abuse. We didn't have one day where he didn't use a tactic like interrupting, belittling, mocking, circular conversation to exhaustion, feigning misunderstanding or not even listening.

Then he blamed me. Claiming he "couldn't improve fast enough for me". As if begging him for years to speak pleasantly wasn't enough time, and my request to not be verbally abused every day was wildly unreasonable.

Then he pretended to be super sad (for himself). That if our relationship was truly over he was sooo sad (that he lost his slave). No fucks given that he had destroyed the relationship and driven me crazy.

THEY WON'T CHANGE.

PicoPicoMio · 2021-10-08T15:18:19+00:00

This book should be mandatory reading for all young women.

Valerian1218 · 2021-10-13T09:11:51+00:00

Honestly, I find just the idea of working through all of these steps with someone utterly exhausting. I agree with other commenters that people don’t normally change because, I mean, it’s possible, but look at the work it takes! I’d much rather pack my shit and run. At least then I wouldn’t spend years rehabilitating some dude only to still flinch every time he moves in my direction.

2340000 · 2021-10-08T12:13:16+00:00

Wonderful quote! Behavior exists on a spectrum.

Contrary to popular belief (which is really just cognitive dissonance) people don't change. Yes, they may evolve. But that evolution is 100% dependent on their baser instincts. For instance, I grew up conservative. I never discriminated against immigrants or LGBTQIA+ individuals. I also hated living in a patriarchal world. Is it a surprise that I'm now an atheist commenting in a sub like FDS? No😂

Men are the same. Abusers, rapists, murderers, and toxic individuals baser instinct is to manipulate and abuse🤷. If a man abused one woman, he will do the same to all women. If they "change", it's only a response to criticism or consequence. And even then, you'll be responsible for their progress. Think about a man that understands consent, compared to a man that keeps asking when you respond with "no".

Men (people) can apologize, but given the opportunity to repeat their behavior with no consequences, they'd do it! Nobody's perfect and we all have our faults, but some people's faults are worse than others.

Muffcakelord · 2021-10-08T21:50:03+00:00

This exact part made me realize the audacity behind "forgive me"

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