Why "just be yourself" is the best dating advice

wtknight · 2022-01-27T14:32:00+00:00

No, this is terrible advice. “Myself” would wear casual clothes, slouch in a chair and not look people in the eye much if I went into a job interview. Whether I could actually do the job well or not would make absolutely no difference to the employer. They’d never hire me, despite me “being myself”.

It’s the same way with dating. Sure, pretending to be someone who one is not is a bad idea, but people should try to present themselves as the best versions of themselves to potential partners, and this really involves not being the person who one usually is in one’s daily life.

Yahween · 2022-01-27T07:20:53+00:00

How does a man telling you that being himself hasn't worked translate to "he just feels inadequate"? Perhaps that is true for some men, but it's a big leap to assume that's always the case.

Maybe certain men feel inadequate precisely because being their authentic self hasn't worked. In these cases, you're conflating a symptom with a cause.

TemperateSloth · 2022-01-27T10:17:29+00:00

It’s literally the worst dating advice bro. Anyone turning to Reddit for dating he’ll needs to completely obliterate who they are and rebuild it. They will not succeed by being themselves. It’s a dead end.

DesperateTraffic3164 · 2022-01-27T06:47:24+00:00

Women want men who have attractive qualities. Men want women who have attractive qualities. Changing yourself to become more attractive doesn't mean you hate yourself, it means you are intelligent.

If you wanted a job paying six figures but your only skill was digging ditches on the side of the road, would you stubbornly refuse to change and insist on waiting for Google to suddenly open up a 'ditch digging engineer' role that would make you rich? That would be stupid, right?

Or would you recognize that in order to get what you want from someone else, you have to change your behavior to give them what THEY need? If Google is hiring software engineers, become a software engineer. Go get those skills.

In the same way, if a man wants to attract women, have fulfilling relationships and sex, then he needs to give them what they want most. That requires change.

The point of RedPill is two-fold: 1.) Understand what attracts women for both sex and relationships, and 2.) Encourage men to take accountability for improving their own life. Understand the market, and then get the skills to be successful. That's all it is.

OccasionSensitive398 · 2022-01-27T07:26:24+00:00

I hate this advice cuz it says nothing of value. This isnt “be yourself” vs “Be not yourself”. There are components of your person/personality. On some Be yourself aplies, on some “dude you cant do this shit” aplies. If you had dude who is sexist, you woudnt say Be yourself. If your friend was an introvert, you woudnt say Be yourself. You can clearly see why. Then Also it encourages lazyness. You should work to Be the best version of yourself.

bison5595 · 2022-01-27T12:24:35+00:00

For all you young guys, please don’t listen this advice. If you’re not attracting women, you must make changes. There’s no getting around that

gimpgirl555 · 2022-01-27T06:19:14+00:00

But at the end of the day, the only men who disagree with this advice are the ones who don't believe that who they are is sufficient to be an attractive mate.

That's because they aren't. Women rate most men as below average. It is what it is.

Instead of telling men to "Just like yourself bro" we should tell them the truth: "women don't like you and you need to pay money to get a woman to be with you". This way they can at least shop around for a good deal. If you're paying you might as well get someone hot.

SupermarketFun21 · 2022-01-27T06:30:43+00:00

So if a dude is a socially inept fat slob, what's really holding him back from getting the pussy he wants is a lack of self-acceptance. Yeah, not buying it.

MajesticMaple · 2022-01-27T14:00:14+00:00

If someone wants to improve themselves to meet their goals then they should do so. If that involves lifting and such to get access to more attractive women that's fine. What you shouldn't do is live a life you are unhappy with just because you get some pussy on the side, it's not worth it. To me that's the thrust of the "be yourself" advice, a woman isn't worth giving up your favourite hobbies or a nomadic lifestyle you love. Men commonly put pussy on a pedestal and will actively shape their lives into what women want instead of living the life they genuinely want to live.

Also don't pretend you are someone you aren't, don't pretend you are straight out of Compton when you are from Beverley Hills etc. You can improve and change your future but don't misrepresent your past, in a long term relationship it will come out anyway but it's usually obviously even in short term. Just be comfortable with who you are and what you are willing to give up to achieve your goals.

Insidious-Sid · 2022-01-27T13:20:49+00:00

"Just be yourself" is what women tell men (and mothers tell sons) to make mate selection as easy and safe as possible for women.

It has nothing to do with helping males improve their odds.

If "yourself" is a guy who never gets even a glimpse of panties, then obviously being yourself is not the answer. All of the "Well, then you're being yourself WRONG." blue pill pithy answer crap is of no use.

Know who you are now. Know who you need to become to get the results you want.

And don't listen to Blue Pill idiots. Especially your own mother.

IHaveSalesQuestions · 2022-01-27T06:37:38+00:00

It is 1,000% the best advice if you actually want to date people long term. True colors come out. You’re also being someone you are not and the other person will fall for that. Eventually they will realize that’s not who you portrayed yourself to be and resent you for it. Then they leave you and you’re left asking, “what just happened?” Well, they caught on to your act and viewed you as a phony. That’s when women get repulsed.

Not being yourself is for short term flings. But even then it’s sort of psychopathic and bad karma if you believe in that sort of thing (I do).

The key is to be confident in who you are. Do shit that interests you and take good care of yourself. Get in shape. Get a good job. Once you’ve done that you won’t want to be anyone but yourself and that’s who will show up on dates.

Feisty-Saturn · 2022-01-27T14:13:36+00:00

The issue here though is that many people are not worthy of a relationship and yet they think they deserve one. They think it’s perfectly normal and adequate to go through life not respecting themselves. Many will compare themselves to others doing worse and think “well I’m better than him/her” so someone should just accept what little I offer to a relationship.

Those people cannot just be themselves.

Any_Championship_654 · 2022-01-27T14:49:24+00:00

The only extent to which 'be yourself' is good advice is in a Daoist 'wu-wei' sense. IE effortless action, flow state, etc. Being so fully immersed in whatever you do (whether an activity, talking to women, etc) that you don't overthink it and thing just fall into place. It doesn't mean you have to accept your deficiencies and settle.

Have you ever had a girl like you just for who you are without you having had to bullshit, posture, act stoic, lift heavy weights, etc? Has a girl liked you just because you are funny or likes the way you dress or smell or whatever? Have you ever thought that this girl probably has such low standards that she would like a guy who did absolutely nothing to impress her, game her or even do anything nice for her?

First of all acting stoic and lifting heavy weights is no different than being funny or dressing a certain way, not sure why one is truly 'yourself' but the other is 'bullshit' in your example. Second of all, by your own admission, the only girls who would like a guy like that are those with rock bottom standards. Nobody wants that.

Finally, no, not everyone is always 'good enough'. If they were, nobody would get mad at fat nice guys who want to sleep with modes. You can improve yourself to some extent but most people don't have inherent value when it comes to dating.

ZodiacBrave98 · 2022-01-27T15:28:52+00:00

The best dating advice is 'Just be Attractive'.

If you can't, 'Just Get Attractive'.

Other advice can help but if we are limited to one that is best.

Boompa22 · 2022-01-27T14:13:19+00:00

the only men who disagree with this advice are the ones who don't believe that who they are is sufficient to be an attractive mate.

The men who disagreed with this advice made changes to themselves and started getting better results. Humans are an adaptive species, especially males. If we're doing something that isn't working, we change it up until we find something that works.

If you keep doing the same thing expecting different results, then you're delusional. Certain traits and qualities are attractive and others will never be attractive.

"I don't want to go to the gym and get big because it's just not me." Fine then you will have no issue seeing the jacked dude in public pull ladies.

"I dont want to get a better income because work isn't everything in life and I dont want to be a slave to money." Cool, then you wont mind the dude driving a lambo driving around a supermodel.

Everybody has different hobbies, interests, beliefs, etc. which is great and you can continue to have those, but down the line you have to acknowledge things that are attractive. Masculinity is attractive - Strength, security, intelligence, and resources are all qualities in a man that set a base level of attraction. Attraction after that is the stuff that make you unique and that you are passionate about. However, those things don't matter if you don't have the base ones figured out.

Also, a lot of dudes have changed themselves and are happier for it. They've gone from depressed to happy simply by lifting weights and increasing their income.

Mrs_Drgree · 2022-01-27T07:42:46+00:00

[permanently deleted]

AutoModerator · 2022-01-27T06:00:34+00:00

Attention!

You can post off topic/jokes/puns as a comment to this Automoderator message.
For "CMV" and "Question for X" Threads: Parent comments that aren't from the target group will be removed, along with their child replies.
If you want to agree with OP instead of challenging their view or if the question is not targeted at you, post it as an answer to this comment.
OP you can choose your own flair according to these guidelines., just press Flair under your post!

Thanks for your cooperation and enjoy the discussion!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

Mr_KenSpeckle · 2022-01-27T08:00:05+00:00

When someone tells someone to just be yourself, they are really saying that they have no worthwhile advice to contribute. They are trying to wrap their lack of useful advice in the disguise of common sense.

First off, if what you have been doing is not working, try something else.

Second, there is nothing phony about trying to improve yourself, as long as you are really doing the work and not just blowing smoke.

Third, it is a fallacy to believe that the best product always sells the best. The existence of the entire marketing industry says otherwise. Whether you are selling widgets or trying to get a date, you have to understand the psychology of the customer. You have to deliver the product up in a way that they will be receptive to it.

Nobody who properly understands Red Pill concepts is talking about women having the responsibility of making men feel better about themselves. Au contraire. Red Pill tells men that nobody owes you a God damn thing and if you want things to improve, then it’s your responsibility to make it happen because nobody else is going to do it for you.

After all, that’s what all of the talk about the SMV is about. If you love yourself, then bully for you, but it doesn’t really count for much in the SMV. You can choose not to play and sit on the sidelines, but if you are going to play in the game, then you have to improve according to what the market values, not according to what you think the market should value.

Mark_Freed · 2022-01-27T10:02:41+00:00

I instinctively downvoted cause I hate that advice, but then I decided I should actually read the post. lol not bad. You make a good point.

Look if a guy genuinely loved himself and all his flaws, was confident and kept realistic standards he would get a gf easily. But that is not good for society or him. It is fake confidence based on him being complacent and not really pushing himself.

As a society we owe to each other to set up appropriate incentives, positive and negative to reward good behaviour. The ability to get into an intimate relationship is one such reward that we offer. Other being respect, status. We can also use shame, ostracisation, ect.

Ok so yeah I do think lots of people need to work on themselves. They could just "love" himself and go for a girl who accepts him "as he is". But that is not what he should do. He should be critical of himself, understand that he has areas to improve in and work on it.

You can be motivated and not hate yourself. You can realize the obvious fact that no one is perfect and you don't have to hate yourself if you are fat, poor or ugly. 90% of people don't even try to improve. Most give up after a few failures. That is enough to feel good about yourself.

You can be body positive and still lose fat. Being body positive is about accepting those parts of yourself you can't change.

I embrace my skin color, my heritate, my family, race, gender, everything that I can't change. I also accept parts that I love about myself. I don't care if 99% girls dislike nerds, fuck them. I will always be a nerd, a geek. I will not change parts of myself that I admire and that is what it means to love yourself and have a positive relationship with yourself.

But a lot of things that we do, say our tendency to eat junk food, be lazy, not excercise, waste time on reddit, watch porn, lack ambition, not maintain sleep hygine, etc are parts of us that we need to reject because we love ourselves. It is imporant to define what I am appropriately.

I can take my porn watching behaviour and make that a core part of my identity, that is something I spend a lot of time on. I can demand she accept that, what about my love for food and how I just let myself go eating all this transfat and sugar. I am a foodie! love to cook and eat all the time - part of my identity. Do you realize what power I have when I can pick and choose what "yourself" means.

When society says just be yourself, it is giving every individual to decide how they want to live their life. They are giving them the freedom and power. For so long society used to enforce rigid ideals of what it meant to be a good man, father or human. We were tired of that and wanted freedom. But with freedom we get people who decide to compulsively make bad choices, blame externalities like mental illness, childhood experiences, genes and then not change.

This is why I don't like agree that JBY is good advice.

wtknight · 2022-01-27T14:19:17+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Ohmaygahh · 2022-01-27T15:49:54+00:00

I understand what you're trying to say, but there's one piece of advice that trumps your idea of "just be yourself".

Not many people are prepared for it. It's to "give up". Men need to truly and absolutely "give up" on women.

Only after a man completely stops liking women he's interested in posts, following attractive women's profiles, stops trying to communicate with them, stop trying to attract, just plain ol' stop. To truly leave them alone. That is the beginning of the journey. Slowly, the world changes after that.

Codi_Vore_Fan2000 · 2022-01-27T15:56:51+00:00

If you're tall and attractive then you can be yourself as much as you want.

Yixagurpuldink · 2022-01-27T19:13:40+00:00

There are multiple key caveats that need to be said about this (applies to both M/F):

Just because you like the "current you" doesn't mean there is a "better you" out there that you will like just as much. That better you will be objectively more attractive to more people
While you should never change yourself to do things you hate only because it impresses people, certain traits (e.g. "I like farting out loud") are not acceptable and "being you" will hurt you.
Certain things need to be done because society expects them and certain standards are unchangeable. If its burdensome for you, its burdensome for almost everybody else. This applies to both
Putting on facades is a bad idea in any field beyond dating. No such thing as fake it till you make it.

Ziogatto · 2022-01-28T10:22:07+00:00

Here's a better dating advice: don't.

Zerofication · 2022-01-29T01:52:36+00:00

Nobody is being themselves 100% anyways, except when they're alone in the bathroom or something.

pokemin49 · 2022-01-30T01:33:28+00:00

The blue pill is poison.

Jakes1967 · 2022-01-27T06:55:05+00:00

But at the end of the day, the only men who disagree with this advice are the ones who don't believe that who they are is sufficient to be an attractive mate.

Oddly, which includes giants that helped build and shape this world, one being the Wright brothers.

More people walk on this earth with delusions of inadequacy than with delusions of grandeur.

Yet, "be yourself"?

Any average man, intent on marriage, who walks into a date with "be yourself" as a motivator, is going to fail abysmally.

Title	Why "just be yourself" is the best dating advice
Author	JacobMoogberg69
Upvotes	0
Comments	90
Date	January 27, 2022 6:00 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/sdrf77/why_just_be_yourself_is_the_best_dating_advice/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/why-just-be-yourself-is-the-best-dating-advice.1097335 https://theredarchive.com/post/1097335

Comments