Lost

trashy615 · 2022-04-23T04:04:39+00:00

Based on this post, there will be no judgement, only support.

You will be ok, you are a good father for putting your children first. You will get through this.

Bipolar_investor · 2022-04-23T04:13:24+00:00

Only support, and we'll even save the bad jokes and angry comments against feminism and shit.

The place you're in right now, is key. Your mindset is your everything. She will want to get rid of you, and unload all the problems on your back. The best you can do is to not engage in any of the mind games that might ensue.

Let her go. And take care of yourself as if you were one of your kids. You kids will grow to be healthy, and have two parents like everyone else on this plante. They'll be fine.

Hmu if you even feel the need to chat in private.

Eve-3 · 2022-04-23T04:46:39+00:00

The only judgement you will get from me is to stop blaming yourself for this. You were in this together, there's enough blame to go around. (And I'm the judgemental one here).

You're in the right place. The guys here are super. They all come from different situations and are sharing that to help each other through a crap time. They've even made me feel welcome and I'm a woman - my son is going through a divorce in a foreign country, I was lost about what happens there in divorce.

Crafty-Hovercraft788 · 2022-04-23T04:05:01+00:00

I was there. Felt like a terrible everything.

It’s so hard to see right now but it CAN get better. You can find yourself in this mess.

Focus on the next thing. Wake up. Eat food. Take showers. Do the work. Be present with the kids.

Your kids will remember you were there.

C20H25N3O-C21H30O2 · 2022-04-23T05:04:46+00:00

Don't worry OP, you are doing great. The emotions you feel are completely normal and healthy. We all went through it. Things will get better. Go to therapy to make sure your negative emotions don't overwhelm you. Try to find a hobby to take your mind off of the divorce process and to make you happy. And now the ugly part: Do not leave the home where your children live because she can say in court that you abandoned them. Get a lawyer and make sure she can't relocate them either. Be prepared for everything. Things might get really ugly. Don't be chivalrous, her happiness is no longer your problem. Look out for your and your children's interest first. She will do the same and will do everything in her power to get what she wants. Even if it means false accusations, lying in court or trying to alienate your children against you. Hopefully it won't come to this, but be prepared. Set up hidden cameras to prove your innocence, do not raise your voice when she tries to provoke you (and she will) to get a barring/protection order against you and read about divorce stories here. You can expect all the things that happened to all of us to happen to you. Women use the same tactics over and over. As a basic rule, treat verbal agreements nonexistent. Write down everything you discuss with your wife right after it happened. Send her an email about even the smallest, least important verbal agreement. Create a paper trail. Start a journal and record everything that might be important later on. Best of luck to you on your journey. Be strong, there is light at the end of the tunnel so don't panic.

turbor · 2022-04-23T05:33:03+00:00

Brother. You turn that fucking nose into the wind and trudge on. Love your sons. Lawyer up, do not settle for anything less than 50/50. You need need 50.01% of one kid to claim head of household. Don’t fall on your sword. Tell your attorney to protect your financial and custodial interests on the basis of the law, gender neutral. Let her pay the fucking price for being the “breadwinner”, as so many of us have:

Happiness isn’t off the table. You’re just clearing the table. Courage now, friend.

WartimeDad · 2022-04-23T04:58:57+00:00

Try to take the amicable route with her. You’re going to be in a WAY better place in two years than you are capable of imagining right now. The road ahead is difficult. You’re right to make your goal your children. Align that in all that you do. But also believe me when I say that if you lift weights, take care of yourself, meditate, have hobbies, than you are actually aligning your goal to your kids. The thing is that the kids will see you FLOURISH once you get out of this marriage and through the divorce. You’re in the thick of it now so it’s hard to see, but please do take care of yourself. You can not be a perfect dad. Mistakes happen. Best you can do is show them what’s up by example. Which means your goal is both to do the cool things that you like, and to be the best dad you can be. Hang in there you’re not alone. Lift heavy weights.

Gattsama · 2022-04-23T05:02:56+00:00

Man welcome, let me say a few things. This is NOT your fault. You play a role and contribute, but it's not your fault. You do not control or have ownership over your wife. It's good that you take responsibility for the part you play, but also important not to take more responsibility then that. Everyone here has a different story and is on a different journey. I'm sorry you are going through this. Lots of men have been programmed to believe that their entire self worth is tied up in their family and being a father / husband / provider. And when that role is being destroyed it's going to hurt and hurt a lot.

But no matter how bad you feel or how bad things get. Remember that you are not alone, you are not the first (or the last) to go through this. Others have come before you and they made it out to the other side. As much as possible you need to start making a list of support: family, friends, therapist, this group, online groups, etc. and start using them as a resource for your emotional and mental health.

Also you do not exercise or have hobbies to feel better. You do them to stop from feeling worst. Not saying this is you, but divorce is the leading cause of suicide among adult men. It is not safe or healthy to sit around and 'think about the marriage.' You need to stay busy and stay on the move. Yes addressing your feelings is important, but you need to stay active. Exercise is actually better than a SSRI for depression, plus better sleep and release of energy.

Stay safe out there...

Eagleseekr · 2022-04-23T05:34:09+00:00

Focus on improving yourself first and be as involved with your children as possible. Don't accept your wife's misery or unhappiness and take responsibility. You're not responsible for other people's happiness. You'll get through this and there are many beautiful and loving women who would love a man like you! Stay strong, you're not a victim but a WARRIOR!

fewdo · 2022-04-23T13:04:51+00:00

You are going through something that is almost impossibly hard. Do you have some local friends you can trust to keep secrets? Talking to supportive people helps a bunch.

I'm poly and squeezed two divorces into the same year. The amicable one was waaaaay better. Do that if you can. Definitely talk to a couple lawyers on the side but every dumb thing you two can agree on can save you a thousand dollars.

Don't move out! That's evidence that you think she should get the kids.

Fight to keep the kids close. Assuming they go with her, you have to drive those miles to go to school things or if someone gets hurt. And that driving time reduces the time you can spend with the kids.

Figure out what you want for kid time. Three weekends a month and one day a week is pretty good.

The money and assets you both accumulated get split. 401k money, boats... it's okay to bring her assets up in the amicable negotiation.

Feel free to msg me too. This shit is hard to deal with.

OraleEse13 · 2022-04-23T13:40:08+00:00

You are in the very early stages where the pain is most severe. When you finally do split and live separately another wave of it will hit you. So, be ready for that. Do not use alcohol to numb yourself during this. You'll be a wreck for weeks or months. The "eating clean and exercise" advice is to feed your mind and body positivity to counteract the negative feelings. It worked to great effect for me and my divorce was bloody. I ran 3 miles a day after work and lifted weights for about an hour today in a circuit training format. I always came home feeling good that night. But, as bed time set in then all of the pain would wash over me.

Here's the rub. It's damn near impossible today to keep women happy. This is not your fault. Women are always the unhappy ones with their laundry list of demands and expectations. Men just want a peaceful and friendly atmosphere in the home.

Make sure to get 50% physical custody of your kids. Be as cordial with her as possible. Cops renting really sucks when you hate each other and is a lot easier when you're still friends. I've seen both versions play out before my eyes. My ex and I hate each other and it has been hell. My last LTR had a great relationship with her ex and even he and I were really friendly with each other. Makes a lot of difference.

Finally, don't get married again. You can't make, or keep, them happy

Funny_Wolverine_9 · 2022-04-23T14:59:34+00:00

Well, you're just part of the statistics that over 50% of men get divorced! And 80% of these divorces are initiated by women. So, you're not special!

You WILL eventually come out of this happier. The sooner you accept it, and the more amicable you can be with her in the divorce process, the happier you'll be faster.

You need to do the following EVERYDAY to heal:

Work-out. I personally run 5x a day.
Focus on YOU. Your health and job.
Follow the advice MEN are giving you.

Also some future advice:

Divorce rate for 2nd and 3rd marriages are 60% and 70% respectively.
Stay away from Single Moms.
Stay away from any woman who claims she was in a "abusive" relationship.

Good luck

Sum1StoleMyGamertag · 2022-04-23T15:07:51+00:00

Divorce is hard man. You are often having to emotionally "sprint" to get to a point she has probably been walking towards for much longer..

You aren't alone though man, we all have your back here like everyone has said. This community of gents is probably my favorite sub on Reddit for that reason. If you need any advice let us know!

NohoTwoPointOh · 2022-04-23T16:47:24+00:00

Judgement here!

Paragraphs.

Please go back and aerate your post with 3 or 4 white space breaks to help the other folks read it easier. Sometimes if you wrote this elsewhere and copied, the breaks the page breaks don’t follow!

Yeah. That’s all the “judgement” we’ll dish out here. Wishing you the best.

JD-Anderson · 2022-04-24T01:35:09+00:00

I remember feeling this exact way a decade ago when my wife did the same thing. Come to find out, I was miserable too in that marriage. Just too deep in to see it. Since then I’ve found more happiness and made more wonderful memories than I ever had when I was married.

pegleg_legal · 2022-04-25T03:46:30+00:00

Bro, we're here. Any judgment you feel is just opinion and trying to get the whole story. All I can say is if she's done, she's done - begging, pleading, trying to fix things will just further demoralize and emasculate you. She pulled the pin on the grenade, you can either dive on it or GTFO of the relationship emotionally. It hurts. It's sad. It sucks. But there's only one thing you have in common now - your kids.

These boys need you and you're there for them, they won't forget it and everything you fight for is for them. Don't be a pushover, don't appease, don't placate. She will pretend to care but really she is going to grab everything she can, you need to make sure you have a fair financial future.

Title	Lost
Author	Morsecode14
Upvotes	24
Comments	28
Date	April 23, 2022 4:00 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/u9wtf5/lost/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/lost.1111523 https://theredarchive.com/post/1111523

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