Pornography

Thro_e-_wa · 2022-06-12T23:24:01+00:00

Male perspective here. Ask what specifically he likes about porn. I think a lot of women would be surprised that most men don't watch porn because of hot women but because it's hot women lustfully doing things they're into. The sex might be great for you but it could be just okay or good for him. I'm not trying to make you feel guilty or like you are not enough. But rather get you to have a truly exploratory conversation with him where you aren't judgemental. It's easy to say why doesn't he see it my way, but while you're doing that you're dismissing his feelings. Good luck

emmalai85 · 2022-06-12T01:09:10+00:00

It's not for us.

We don't participate in that behavior. I don't think it's wrong for every relationship but I wouldn't like it in mine.

aussiedollface2 · 2022-06-13T00:39:46+00:00

If you try “ban” your husband from porn I think most modern men will just look at it behind your back. We need to pick our battles and honestly this is one my husband and I just don’t discuss xo

warm20 · 2022-06-12T09:15:41+00:00

porn desensitizes you and makes you expect things that are not from your unique own connection which ruins longterm sex robbing you of greater experiences and satisfaction in that part of sex life

better to detox and be more realistic, no one is good at sex from the first get go, it takes practice and it gets better overtime as you both communicate through it

Anonymous_fiend · 2022-06-12T02:17:12+00:00

Look up the studies that show how it effects marriages and the brain. It's linked to lower martial satisfaction rates. No it's not healthy at all. Even in single men it causes problems. Not to be a conspiracy theorist but it quite odd how these studies aren't mainstream/only talked about in academic circles. Research papers are often open for the public to read so I feel like it's being suppressed.

I discussed with my fiance before we were official that I wouldn't tolerate porn and why. He's been completely on board since day 1. We have each other's passwords so I could check whenever. Incognito doesn't delete everything if you know where to look. But I don't want a relationship like that. I want someone who doesn't on their own accord not just to make me happy/not cause a fight.

From a religious view it's immodest and sexually impure. Men aren't supposed to objectify women like that. Modesty is not only how you dress it's how you act, what you see, and what you talk about too.

And the porn industry is predatory. Sex trafficking, coercion, and changing the script/rape is rampant. Men who sexually get off to videos like this are enabling and normalizing this.

It's reasonable to feel betrayed because you are. You set a boundary of what is and isn't cheating so to you it's cheating. And he knows that. He's not taking your feelings into consideration. His lust is shouldnt come before your emotional security. He's damaging the emotional intimacy of sex and your marriage. That doesn't mean he doesn't find you attractive though. Or that you're not enough. It's more of his issue vs anything you did wrong. Is there something in particular he's watching? Or a certain reason? Maybe he can find a way to fulfill that in the relationship.

rafferty_raff · 2022-06-12T02:48:11+00:00

Looks like I may be an outlier here, but my husband and I have always enjoyed porn, together and separately. Ethical production issues aside, porn is a product and it’s designed to be consumed. This is a fundamentally different experience than being with one’s lover - to us, they’re not comparable and don’t compete with each other. And I don’t feel threatened or insecure because of this distinction. I like that he is interested in/turned on by other women because to me it’s a sign that he’s virile and high value. I think being interested in sex and sex objects is an integral part of the human experience and I find it odd that some - perhaps most? - monogamous arrangements seem to condition themselves on curtailing it.

He married you. Ask him if he wants to marry any of the porn actresses he watches. And they don’t want to marry him when they’re doing what they’re doing.

Different things.

rosesonthefloor · 2022-06-13T04:50:39+00:00

It’s completely fine for you to not want porn in your marriage, and it’s a completely fine request to ask your husband to stop watching. It’s absolutely a conversation the two of you should have had before marriage, in terms of each of your expectations around it.

However, ultimately, you cannot control him. If he’s still going to watch porn, then you need to figure out how you can change to adjust to the situation.

“Doing it yourself” and having to put the work in to satisfy a partner are two different things - especially for men, sometimes it’s necessary. However it doesn’t mean that he’s not attracted to you - he wouldn’t contribute to have sex with you if he wasn’t. Porn is produced specifically to help with this, so of course it’s a desirable tool to speed things along.

If he assures you that it’s a different thing entirely, and he’s not actually cheating on you with another person, is this something you could eventually find your way to accepting? And, if not, what will you do if you cannot accept it?

Marriage counseling is a great step. Think through your options and possible outcomes and really decide what’s more important to you: your marriage, or your husband not watching porn?

LateralThinker13 · 2022-06-12T19:13:47+00:00

Am I being too sensitive?

Should a steak be jealous that its eater occasionally likes to look at (but not eat) a casserole?

Is pornography healthy in a marriage and how is it healthy?

It can be healthy. If it satisfies the urge for broadcast procreation without a) him cheating and b) he still is healthily sexually active with you, then what's the beef?

What does it mean when my husband chooses to watch porn over me?

It means you are not the focus of all his sexual energies every minute of the day. It also means you want to be, up to the point of controlling his harmless fantasies. You want to exclusively dominate his sexuality.

Does he find me less attractive

You already know the answer to that. He would not have married you, and would not continue to sex you, if he did not.

am I not enough for him?

You did say he's not actually stepping out, so I'd assume you are enough for him for actual sex.

How do I accept this behavior for the rest of my life and not feel so betrayed and to trust him?

By working on your insecurity and self-centeredness (which reinforce one another, sadly). So long as he provides for your sexual needs and doesn't cheat on you, why do you care so much? Are you jealous of him looking at women when you walk down the street? Want him to wear blinders so he can only see the path in front of him, plus you?

It'd be one thing if he was neglecting you.

Finally, on a separate but related note:

I feel when my husband watches it it implies I am not sexy, desired, and enough for him and basically a form of infidelity.

That's YOUR interpretation. I could feel like my wife wishes I was an octopus whenever she eats a tuna fish sandwich, but that doesn't make my feelings valid.

He tells me he likes to watch it and masterbate to it but says it is unrelated to me. That me and porn are two separate things.

Ever think that men in general, and your husband in particular, might actually be wired that way? Men and women are neurologically different. Also, do you think he's lying to you? If yes, you have bigger problems. If not, then you need to actually listen to what he's saying more, and to your insecurity less.

HoneydewFlashy7858 · 2022-06-12T16:38:50+00:00

Please forgive me, but I feel all the women saying their men don't watch porn are being niave or you are the few and far between lucky ones.

LadySandcastle · 2022-06-12T09:58:42+00:00

My husband chose to stop watching it when we began dating exclusively. I didn't ask him to stop but I may have mentioned I didn't like it but he told me he stopped as he found it disrespectful to me.

Your husband sounds like he could be addicted to it. There are so many potential issues that can stem from porn addiction. If you have a healthy sex life he's obviously still very attracted to you. The objectification that comes from watching porn would be my issue. I think it's really his problem to solve. He knows how it makes you feel so I don't think there is anything else that can be said to make him stop, he has to start wanting to.

Sir_Distic · 2022-06-13T03:49:10+00:00

To men, porn is a fantasy. Nothing more. You cannot fulfil the role of porn. Even if you did anything he wanted sexually he'd still find some porn he likes that doesn't include you. It's NOT about you. It's about an unobtainable fantasy.

Don't stress. Porn is not real life. It's not an indictment of you. It's not personal for him. It's not a way of saying you're not good enough.

Pushing him to stop or lessen it will only lead to resentment. It becomes an issue when he constantly chooses porn over sex with you. But if he's able to give you both a good sex life and watch porn then it's not an issue.

HomeHornet · 2022-06-12T05:40:30+00:00

I don't think there is a single answer to this question. I will give you my 2 cents. Porn can, indeed, be very detrimental. I was addicted to it for a long time, and have recently completely stopped (8 months clean). It has done tremendous damage to myself and my partner. In reality, however, it has only exacerbated the addict mind behavior, and is not the root cause of the problems. It makes self esteem, sexuality issues worse, but it did not cause them, in my instance.

I think there are 2 issues here. One is whether his consumption of porn impacts him, his character, his thoughts, his behaviors towards you, etc. and second - your feelings of insecurity and undesirablity. You need to analyze both separately. He could be the most graceful and loving towards you, and you would still feel betrayed by it, and that is valid. Any feeling you have is valid, and should be taken into account by your husband. However, that does not absolve us from looking at our own feelings and trying to do extend the same grace to our partner. It seems like he is acknowledging and validating your feelings? Does he truly understand how you feel? He has cut it down to once a month - hard to believe, but if it's really true, then it's a very meaningful sign that he respects you feelings. It is worth exploring why you feel so much shame surrounding the issue and why you feel so undesirable.

I can tell you from my experience that in the male brain, we can compartmentalize porn and sex very well. However, therein lies the root of the problem. If we separate it too much from the emotions, we disconnect it from the whole human, and it's a very immature and superficial way of connecting. I did not have this wisdom at 20 or 30 years old, so perhaps it also comes with age, and the natural decrease in testosterone. All I know is that before my D-day, I used to look at women in real life and would notice the good looking ones and the ones I wasn't attracted to, and mentally classify in: "I would never have sex with that" or "she'd be so sexy in lingerie". Now I see every woman as neither super hot nor super ugly. I just see women, and none truly peaks my interest in an infatuation kind of way, nor do I think of the "ugly" ones that they are ugly. They are just women, and I can equally imagine myself having or not having a sexual relationship with them, but it depends on the PERSON, the whole person. Physical traits are much much less important. I may be roasted for these comments, as they are crude, but I do think all men have these passing thoughts - they are biologically wired. I am, however, highlighting it, because it shows a change in the brain in 8 months of not watching porn. That being said, I don't think 1x month does anything as bad to the brain like I had (1x day).

Advanced_Tadpole7046 · 2022-06-12T03:37:58+00:00

My husband used to watch porn, I felt betrayed, I felt he was cheating on me. He developed that habit as a teen as he found some magazines, he loved me and he found me attractive however his vice was stronger. At one point we almost separated because of it, finally we went into marriage counseling and he is free from it and our relationship and sex life are better than ever. No matter where you go, religious sources, psychology, studies, etc. Porn is not positive on men and even some people may be ok with that, most women will feel hurt by it.

UrFriendlySuccubus · 2022-06-12T19:02:06+00:00

I think it’s important to note that porn is not act nor there is emotion from him involved in it so technically this is not cheating (or so I think). There are different reasons on why he’s watching porn and depending on that I guess it’s what could determine whether it is okay or not.

Advanced_Bar_673 · 2022-06-12T21:29:46+00:00

I'm a woman, I like to watch porn with and without my bf, and I think it's a healthy and fun thing to do that can enhance a couple's sex life.

Men are visual, and in my opinion watching porn is an outlet that can channel the male urge for sexual variety in a way that doesn't jeopardize sexual exclusivity within a relationship. I mean, I'd much prefer THAT to a man wanting an open relationship or hall pass or hiring an escort or hanging out at the local strip club or cheating with a girl off Tinder.

(Note: I WISH X 10000 my man only wanted to watch porn vs having a hall pass. You're lucky! Us women seem to love to share everything, except our man. Haha)

Yes porn can become problematic if taken to the extreme, same as alcohol, food, work, shopping, gambling, etc but as long as he still madly desires you, and you have an active and fulfilling sex life, then I see nothing wrong with his behaviour.

Truly, what is "monogamy" now? Is it physical, mental, emotional? A huge element to human sexuality is our brain: are you not "monogamous" or is your husband "not good enough" if YOU briefly imagine you're making love to a hot firefighter or pool boy or Leo DiCaprio or a female supermodel while you're actually in bed with your husband? Have you ever fantasized about a co-worker or former flame?

If his actions all indicate he is loyal and true to whatever sexual agreements you have in your relationship, and your own sex life isn't lagging, then I would not stress. You don't own him or his brain or his fantasies, and typically trying to put those things under lock and key will result in a backlash of resistance and acting out (and be something potentially worse like actually cheating) . After all, we usually want what is forbidden to us.

We don't need to always like another person's behavior or desires, but we can still be empathetic, compassionate, and understanding of their needs and figure out a solution that works within the relationship framework.

Perhaps more reading in the RPW wiki about male sexuality would be helpful. And, work on your own self esteem so you don't feel threatened by sexual images of random women online.

Good luck!

breadcake5245 · 2022-06-12T01:45:35+00:00

Porn is not acceptable in a marriage, or ever. Porn has tons of horrible effects on the brain, relationships, and in society (contributes to rape, violence, human trafficking, child trafficking, etc). It’s absolutely toxic, no one should consume it. Just have sex with your spouse. If they need to masturbate, they can use their imagination.

Azihayya · 2022-06-12T09:12:32+00:00

If you don't want that in your marriage then it's not okay--and your reasons are perfectly fine desires to have for what you are looking for from your love life. Maybe you have to acknowledge that, in accordance with your boundaries, that separation is an option, is on the table. Your husband, whatever he's going through, I don't think is responsible enough to even know or be able to express what he feels and what he wants. I imagine that if he knows that separation is in the table, the next thing that will crop up for him in therapy is the idea that he isn't getting what he wants from you--but you're not the problem. This is his problem--and he has to be responsible enough to know that he either wants you, or he wants a relationship where he can also have pornography; but that's not a burden that you should bear. That's not fair to you.

There's a good chance that he's actually dealing with his feelings, his identity and the life that he's chosen, and that ultimately he really does want to choose you over pornography; maybe even that he really doesn't want pornography--but I don't think that he's going to arrive at any of these conclusions in his own or by your good graces, and especially not on your time, by your wishes. Whatever is going on in his mind that drives him towards pornography is personal to him, and reflects his feelings and self-image. But you deserve someone that loves you for you, and someone who knows and believes that you and your beauty can't be substituted. Your husband does not have the tools to change his perceptions of beauty, sex, etc. As long as he doesn't have the tools he's going to struggle. He won't even know what to care about or how.

In storytelling, or in any kind of art, really... There's a concept called pruning, where you start with an infinite number of options and have to choose a main narrative thread that defines the theme, mood and direction of your story--and every choice you make for your story prunes away at an infinite number of other branches... In your husband's mind, giving up on pornography probably means to him having to prune all of these alternate life paths. It means having to prune his sense of aesthetic beauty, cutting away all of these different branches of a sexuality, a fetishization of the female body, that he's cultivated for years and years. And he's likely done this in a way that you never have before, and for different reasons.

I'm not saying it's over for you two. I just want you to truly respect your boundaries and understand that when your husband seems like he's really trying his best and has the best of intentions, that he's still going to be making mistakes. He's not going to know what he wants, and he's not going to know what you want--and he's going to put you both through difficult situations just trying to figure out what love means to him, while trying to wrap his mind around his identity as he questions what he wants to do with his life.

That's, unfortunately, the story of men. They're woefully unprepared for most things that have to do with love and with life. Men struggle to survive when it comes to finding mates, and being motivated to participate in society. And they form all sorts of irrational, unhealthy, and damaging ways to try to navigate that space. The question that is likely on his mind, is: "... Is this... Really what the rest of my life looks like?.. Can I be happy with this for the rest of my life?.."

BroadRod · 2022-06-13T08:43:01+00:00

Its not about you. There is a part of his brain wired to inseminate as many women as possible. It is an exercise of this urge, and it would be there no matter how you look of "perform" in the bedroom.

Even-Conclusion597 · 2022-06-14T17:40:05+00:00

Male perspective here and never married (I’m only 24) but to answer your question. You have every right to feel how you feel that’s fine, talk to your husband about it cool. However, porn to us men is just that. We don’t think of porn all day it’s more of an impulse type of behavior. I’ve watched lorn numerous times while in relationships though they never worked out but porn was never an issue. It’s honestly how we are built, we like variety and porn is just a fantasy. There’s no connection to the girl on screen whatsoever. This may be wrong to say and I won’t speak for all men but I can for me and my friends since we discuss this before. No matter how much we have sex with you, it’s never enough. Also I wouldn’t call it cheating because he’s still with you and not physically meeting with another woman to have sex. I think you’re going about it the right way with your communication. I wouldn’t worry bout it too much.

Theyogithatcould · 2022-06-13T04:22:53+00:00

It is degenerate and unacceptable.

Great-Band-Name · 2022-06-12T21:28:26+00:00

Try finding some material you both find exciting. Watch together.

TakeTheVeilCerpin · 2022-06-16T19:57:07+00:00

Male perspective here,

Don’t nag or shame him. You’ll only make it worse.

purple_pansy88 · 2022-06-21T08:42:58+00:00

I strongly dislike pornography, but it's also not a hill I'm willing to die on.

I have told my husband it's not my business if he looks at is as long as he doesn't bring it into our marriage at all and he keeps it completely separate.

When we were first together, I tried watching it with him and I was just cringing the whole time. There was nothing pleasant about it. Watching people have sex is actually kind of disgusting.

I mean most men these days watch porn. I'll have a problem with it if my husband comes to me and talks about this thing he saw, or this thing he wants me to copy, or if he expected me to look at it with him. We have had times where his view of what sex is supposed to be like is influenced by porn and I have had to explain things to him and correct him. A lot of women's behavior today is also influenced by porn. It's frustrating to say in the least but I have firm boundaries about porn and any influence it has on my marriage and I won't back down on them.

There are some things that are yours and yours only and happen outside your marriage. Porn is one of those things for my husband and I just refuse to participate.

I would rather he didn't look at it and I can see some of the general behaviors he has towards women are probably caused by pornography. However it's up to him if he chooses to do that to himself. I have no control over what he does in his free time.

Xirdus · 2022-06-22T15:23:11+00:00

Fapping to videos of people you know feels weird (even more so if you're there too). A totally anonymous person who has never been present in your life in any capacity is different. The purest form of "just sex". Completely different from actual cheating, because there's no relationship. You're still the only one for him.

Last I checked, according to research, there's nothing wrong with porn if you're in a relationship (it's different if you're single), as long as it's not an addiction and doesn't cause the person to neglect actual sex. Sounds like he doesn't - so there's nothing to worry about.

Title	Pornography
Author	HoneydewFlashy7858
Upvotes	39
Comments	49
Date	June 12, 2022 12:41 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/vaakmp/pornography/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/pornography.1116344 https://theredarchive.com/post/1116344

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