Divorce without support

Character_Hippo90 · 2022-08-24T14:39:30+00:00

Since she's coming at you with a suggestion to separate, why don't you suggest that she start searching for a full-time job to help carry the load. Inform her that the guest room is available, and you have no intentions of leaving the home where your kids reside. Retain legal services to help you navigate what divorce means in your state. Good luck.

guy_n_cognito_tu · 2022-08-24T14:19:35+00:00

Here's the reality: if your wife wants a divorce, then she is going to need to go back to work full time. And she might as well start looking now. Get it out of your head right now that you are obligated to maintain her in her current life...because you're not. Even if you have to sell the house, your kids will be fine. These things happen, and you can't go bankrupt trying to maintain the home, and no court will make you.

Unless there are threats of violence or false accusations against you, stay in the home. Tell her she can leave if that's her choosing. Start looking for daycare options for the children, and give her the financial reality of that. Make sure that she understands that, if she wants to move on, then she will have to contribute more financially.

paradigmshift1199 · 2022-08-24T13:45:46+00:00

I’ve tried communicating with her about the financial challenges of separating and she just spins it as if I’m just trying to prolong everything by staying.

jimsmythee · 2022-08-24T14:29:14+00:00

Here is the deal on the house: it is eventually going to need to be sold.

You each own 50% of the equity.

If either side wants to keep the house, they’ll need to refinance and pull cash out.

Your stbxw only works part time. She can’t even afford the payments now, let alone quality for a refinance.

You could probably quality for a refinance and cash out? But the problem is making payments while supporting two households.

If you let her stay in the house after divorce, and keep the house deed and mortgage in both names? She won’t be able to afford it all and house will eventually go into foreclosure.

Best thing to do unfortunately? Sell the house now.

creeg35 · 2022-08-24T15:06:53+00:00

I’m in the same exact boat as you. I lawyered up immediately, before she had a chance to. I’d advise and a lawyer would advise not to leave your home. I did only because the fighting got so bad and so much worse. Unfortunately I’m still struggling to get her to understand that she needs to buy me out if she wants to keep the house. She can’t afford it. I’m on a temporary order to pay her monthly to help pay the mortgage until the divorce is settled. It actually benefited me because it didn’t include being responsible for paying utilities. I put them all in her name. It also provided a temporary order of custody so I could better plan my time with my kids vs time for myself or getting errands done. If you want to keep the house yourself, for the kids sake, you can refinance including the equity amount of her share to buy her out. From my point of view though I wouldn’t want to be surrounded by memories. There are also therapists that specialize in divorce help. Seek one out that you can vent your thoughts to. Hope this helps.

dday_throwaway3 · 2022-08-24T14:47:48+00:00

Impute her income at full-time hours. There's nothing preventing her from working a full-time job. Working part-time was a perk of marriage, and that's over.

Add up all marital assets and liabilities, then divide by two. You each get half. If there are enough assets for one party to buy out the other party from the house, then that's what gets done. If not, then the house will be sold and the proceeds split accordingly.

You also assume the mother is going to remain in the same area post-divorce.

> I already pull extra OT to make sure we’re comfortable.

And it's going to work against you. All of the CS and SS calculations are going to be based on your income from the past several years, including that overtime. Certainly do no do more OT before the divorce is final.

Fin4llyBre4thing · 2022-08-24T13:44:05+00:00

Don't leave the home, especially if you want to be involved with your kids lives. Selling the house right now is likely a real challenge. It's becoming a buyers market. If you are on good terms with your wife then try and negotiate the divorce with her. My Ex lawyered up immediately after she told me she was done and then I had to get one. Get a support system. Start calling old friends. Tell them what's going on. I used my commute to vent and sort things out with my old friends that lived 100s of miles away from me.

jimmyjames2003 · 2022-08-24T15:19:03+00:00

I agree with a lot of what the others have said here.

Quit working the overtime.

Get your own bank account in just your name and quit mixing the money with what you already have. Anything new thats coming in goes into the new bank account. It’s still marital funds, so she’ll still have a chance to get at it, but only through the legal process. You won’t just find your bank account cleaned out.

If you’re in a 401(k) or something like that, drop out of that immediately if you can. She’ll have the rights to half of any contributions you make, but if you can get that money somewhere else then it will be harder for her.

If she wants a divorce, then let her move out. Stand your ground on the house and the kids.

You need to be able to show that you can take them to school or soccer practice or whatever it needs to be. So that you can start as their primary parent.

Good luck.

No_Zone_911 · 2022-08-24T19:12:25+00:00

Bro please read my post I made today because you are me but like 6 months behind me.

warrior_up · 2022-08-24T17:22:33+00:00

Protect you financial future- being the nice guy is what got you here. Business transaction now, she will be your part time nanny, pay her accordingly

playerknowmore · 2022-08-24T20:06:05+00:00

Tell her to get a new job before you agree to separate. Be prepared for the coworker from her part time job pops up. These stories end the same way. She wants to separate; only to try out the loser she works with. You find out and files for divorce. Sell the house your kids won't remember it and your Ex won't appreciate it. Get a lawyer and do what they say.

rsmiley77 · 2022-08-24T20:06:23+00:00

I think you’re getting some bad advice. In a fair 50-50 world the home would have to be sold but your world isn’t going to be a straight 50-50 fair split.

I think most here have some assumptions we work with in situations like this. It starts with your STBX has been planning this for years. Questions you’re asking now she may have been asking five years ago. She absolutely plans on keeping the home and having you pay for it. Don’t laugh because if she decides to be stubborn you’ll be fighting this in court and she will be able to say ‘someone has to take care of the kids and I was doing it already.’

Please stop working extra. Kindness in court is always used against you. In this case that’s money expected and you’re away from home all the time and she’s taking care of kids. Easy to give her full custody.

We also always assume that she has someone already in her DMs or texting or even closer (job?) that she is into and that she feels is a safe leap to once you’re gone. I’m just saying she has a plan already on what her post without you life will be. Please take care of yourself first and then your kids. Don’t worry about her.

You need an attorney asap. I know it’s money but man they’ll pay for themselves in the end.

TheBoyBand · 2022-08-24T15:40:46+00:00

All these garbage women are the same, no logical thinking or foresight on the financial impact, its infuriating.

Specialist-Holiday61 · 2022-08-24T17:31:58+00:00

I don’t know if I heard you right

She said she wants to divorce you. Your only concern is your kids. At least that’s what it should be. Her lifestyle will change and she will have to get a job. I would not move out of the marital home at all. If she wants to leave the relationship, she can leave. If she can’t afford to pay where she lives, then you have to have a serious conversation with her about her plans. Do not try to finance the same lifestyle she is used to living now because the courts just might make your life more difficult if they see that. You don’t have to go anywhere. She does

pk2at · 2022-08-24T17:01:07+00:00

Try to reconcile with your wife and get her to check the box below and sign, then you decide what you want to do with the house

1.
Personal Property (possessions,
assets or business interests of any kind)
[X] We
have already divided the property fairly.
I ask the court to order that each spouse will keep any personal
property that they now have or control.

kapriece · 2022-08-24T17:22:56+00:00

Well you found a good place to share. My advice don't kill yourself with work. Working all the time and stressing is gonna shorten your life. Find a place that suits your needs, scale back and get therapy.

vinnizrej · 2022-08-24T22:05:53+00:00

It sounds like you’re amicable. Have you had a conversation with her about this? Now would be the time. You’re going to have to keep contributing to the martial residence for a while. You’ve got 4 kids, it’s not so simple to just up and move. She needs to find a full time job. And depending on her education level and skills her potential income would be imputed to her. The financial burden of the house has to slowly shift her way. If you can avoid an alimony obligation by settling amicably, by you giving a little more upfront than she may have expected (or to which she is entitled).

When they say people can’t afford to get divorced this is what they’re talking about. You need to take a budget that you’ve maintained for one residence and now that same budget must maintain two residences. At some point many people will withdraw their retirement, which should always be the absolute last resort.

Research family structures in divorce. There’s one called nesting where the marital residence is the “nest” where the kids live and mom and dad rotate 3-4-4-3 or 7-7 or whatever their schedule is.

upvotersfortruth · 2022-08-26T02:01:59+00:00

You have us, brother. Sorry you’re going through this.

captainchippsixx · 2022-08-28T21:31:39+00:00

You have to have a place your kids can come stay with you. You can’t do that in a 1 bedroom apt. Quit working OT for a bit. If you can do some stuff under the table that’s better.

If you have equity in the house then selling it is the probably best course if your going to have a place that the kids can live with you part of the time. But i understand about the kids, it’s tough. Ideally her plan is- she wants you out and you pay for everything. And then her pt job is extra for her.

Title	Divorce without support
Author	paradigmshift1199
Upvotes	22
Comments	29
Date	August 24, 2022 1:32 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/wwjp91/divorce_without_support/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/divorce-without-support.1129547 https://theredarchive.com/post/1129547

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