Divorcing my wife after 31 years of marriage and over 40 years of knowing each other. Am I making a huge mistake?

henrycatalina · 2022-12-04T23:35:20+00:00

Post caught my attention. Do you have a deadbedroom? You did mention condescension, and she makes all the decisions. After 35 years, our marriage was just bill paying, condescension, and almost no sex. By 40 years, there was zero sex and an overt statement that she wasn't attracted to me. We'd do fun activities with our kids and grandchildren. Weddings and other extended family activities were a big show. The reality was that my wife was mostly cold to me.

I couldn't take it anymore. I took time to research marriage and relationships. I wrote several pages of recalling our relationship without blaming each other.

I decided it was divorce or change. Both paths would be difficult. After first putting divorce as one option and them setting boundaries, progress has been made. However, I'd tell you can't change people. One changes themselves.

Sometimes we're in love, and sometimes we're at war. Most of the time, we're managing life.

Making divorce an option got change going. Stopping all verbal abuse and unreasonable controlling behavior helped. Leading some decisions and avoiding the happy wife happy life fallacy helped. Reading no more Mr. Nice Buy and Gottman's book on marriage helped.

Presently, we're in another low point we're she will focus on the prediction of worst case outcomes and gets absorbed in trying to control the uncontrollable.

Can't make your decision. It helps to play the relationship like a game. Take back reasonable control and make some of your own reasonable rules. Make her wonder what's up and where she's going to be if you're not there. Take care of getting your stuff done and take some me time.

BosPatriot71 · 2022-12-04T22:47:05+00:00

Just started divorce proceedings after 25 years of marriage and 30 years together. Three adult kids.

Last few years have been awful, like I wasn’t even alive. Can’t speak for you, of course, but I’m convinced this is the right decision for me. I’m excited about what the future holds, even though it’ll be a little tough financially.

Life is too short to stay somewhere in misery. Wishing you all the best.

CraigonReddit · 2022-12-04T22:34:06+00:00

Let me know. I am right beside you in that boat. Only 34 years married, 37 years as friends.

mshark2 · 2022-12-05T05:58:06+00:00

I’m in a similar boat. Married 29 years. Together 33. Most of our marriage, she was manipulative, covert narcissist and controlling. Got to the point I was not allowed to have friends. Was not allowed to have a relationship with my parents (who are great people and live 15 min away…). Not allowed to follow any passions (I’m a musician). I was the main breadwinner. She did take care of the house and cooked, cleaned. She’s a great mother; however, sex 2 times per year for 15 years just does not work long term. I told her it was over 8 years ago…tried counseling a couple times. Still the same crap and irreconcilable differences. Still manipulative and controlling. I was still a simp…co-dependent and always trying to avoid “rocking the boat.” I reached the F U stage 2 years ago and left. Been separated ever since. Still pay most of the bills (including my own apartment, rent, food, etc…). Our 4 kids are grown. One married. New grandson arrived. Trying to be cordial and friendly. She is being super nice and love bombing constantly. Saying she’s changed. It’s funny ….after a while ….and when facing actual divorce ….I tend to forget about the bad things and only the good things float around in my sentimental head. My friends and even my family (and even some of you fellow Reddit peeps) tell me that if I go back, it will just revert back to the same crap. I’m just scared to put the nail in the coffin. Dating sucks these days and sometimes I wonder if I should just settle and go back. Ugh. Frustrating. Finding it difficult to finish what I started when I left 2 years ago. I’m 48. Good looking with a great job. She’s 49….does not get paid well. I worry about her lifestyle changing (diminishing)….again, that’s me worrying about “her” happiness more than my own. Meanwhile, she’s living in our 4,000 square ft home while I am living (peacefully) in a small apartment. I did get the No More Mr. Nice Guy book. Going to read it. Advice please?

Eagleseekr · 2022-12-05T02:24:12+00:00

I don't havexthe amount of time but 20 years in and during the Soring of 2020, my wife started pulling away. She became neglectful, passive-aggressive, righteous, isolating and ghosting me on a regular basis. I tolerated it at first for quite a few months and then began to realize something was not right about her behaviors... She kept deflecting back onto me and blamed me for pulling g away. Anytime, I attempted to talk with her about it, she would stonewall, become extremely defensive, and attempt to be dominant. The polarity in the relationship changed, and she became more dominant, and I became more passive. I kept accepting responsibility for why we were here.

Two years later, after 10 months of a sexless marriage, I realized she has and has had some real issues emotionally and mentally. I'm not saying I'm perfect but all I ever wanted was to be the priority in herl ife, have clear and ipen communication and intimacy. Thqt all seized to exist. We're not 1 month into divorce, cohabitation because we have no custody agreement in place and have a minimum of 5 months left because we reside in CA.

As much I thought and felt this woman was my soul mate and best friend, that all has been terminated by her decisions. She's selfish and narcissistic, and now I'm glad she and I are separating and getting divorced. Even at 47, the last thing I wanted was this, but to have peace and tranquility is so much more valuable than living like this anymore.

Good luck and hope you find peace!

mlbrowninsc · 2022-12-05T12:21:01+00:00

30 year marriage here starting divorce proceedings first of the year. Two grown kids wife and I are best friends but not intimate for close to two years now. It has become a business relationship is how I put it.

Looking back I don’t think we would have ever got married had it not been for her getting pregnant only two months into our relationship. We went straight to family life at 21 and never really got to know each other. We are both very goal driven and making sure the family was well took over.

Now that we have accomplished that our differences are glaring and we have much different desires for retirement. We’ll be better off going our separate ways and while I’m sad for the ending I’m also excited for the new beginning. Good luck to you!

FragrantJunket · 2022-12-05T02:46:57+00:00

What's the point of the marriage?

LonelyNC123 · 2022-12-05T13:15:03+00:00

If you can afford it you are NOT making a mistake.

I am about to turn 58. I am bitterly, wretchedly lonely in a marriage where my spouse makes ZERO effort. She knows how I feel, she just does not care.

I am at a point where Job Stress is killing me WAY faster than Father Time. I need to retire SO BAD. I see no way to retire and get divorced. This is awful, just awful.

If you can afford it, leave.

ta182829318182 · 2022-12-05T08:57:09+00:00

I have been lurking here and a few other forums for a few years now.. asked for divorce almost a decade ago, stayed for kids.. money.. honestly.. security of "home" so to speak. After 26 years or marriage.. daily crazy fights.. usually no less than 3 to 5 hours every fucking day.. mostly back and forth sounding like fucking teenager dumbasses the way we fight.. cussing, wishing each other dead or misery, threatening one another with divorce, house, etc.. it's just time man.

The hard part is.. for me.. is money. I am unclear even in a 50/50 state of what I am actually going to get fucked with. I make a bit more than 2x she does.. got a rough calculated value of about 1300 a month alimony.. she says I'll be paying 3K or more. I don't see how. She works part time.. but claims medical issues prevent her from working more and she has doctors notes (which I haven't seen.. not sure if she really can get those). I would assume IF she can get doctors notes.. then that means she should also be getting some sort of disability pay on top of her part time pay (though she makes about 80K or so a year)? She could make about as much as me if she actually worked full time.

I just want to move out.. find a small place for me and my daughter.. who has 2 years of HS left.. and she wants to leave too.. her and mom don't get along at all.

We'd likely do 50/50 custody though.

I have to say though.. I am seeing a TON more people in their 50s and 60s getting divorced now. The one thing that messes me up with this age is the growing old alone bit. Not that I want to grow old with her and fight forever.. or basically till one of us die of aneurysm due to always fighting. But.. I have little aches/pains, issues, etc.. that I know will get worse with time.. and having someone around to help would be good. Thus.. though I will NEVER marry again.. finding another female companion would be nice.. and likewise someone I could grow old with and support as well.

gnackered · 2022-12-04T22:33:06+00:00

Can you try to reignite the flame? It hurts the world when someone divorces after such a long time together.

captainchippsixx · 2022-12-04T22:52:37+00:00

Are you stressed? Are you unhappy? Does she talk to you condescending most of the time? Are you doing more house work and pay the bills work than she is Because of excuses? Are you restricted in what you want to do? Does she make bad decisions that hurt you and your finances frequently? You don’t agree on what to do and where to go for fun?

Grand-Expression-493 · 2022-12-04T23:04:18+00:00

Bro if you don't mind my honesty and ignorance...

I assume you're atleast last 50s or 60 by now or approaching that?

Do you really want to spend your senior years battling what's your true life partner up till now in courts? And after such a long life together, you're pretty guaranteed to give her pension and everything else too 50%.

Realistically, can you look at other ways, or ignore some stuff?

This is a stupid advice, but honestly like someone else just said, when people split after such a long time together, it hurts the world.

captainchippsixx · 2022-12-05T00:07:22+00:00

Sounds like you should go forward. I suggest get the lawyer and go forward. Do not tell her what your doing. Do what the lawyer says. You can stop divorce at any time. Once you have it ready to drop, then have a talk with her.

She will definitely go one way or the other. A) breaks down and wants to try B) more than likely she will say F U and call you names and say your a pos……. Glad to be rid of you. So that would be she what’s divorce.

Have a plan to go somewhere after you tell her. Hotel, trip to see family, etc. but…. Make sure you have your good stuff out the house at that time.

fajandi · 2022-12-05T02:01:25+00:00

Had same experience with you. Me and wife are both 61 years old high school sweethearts. There will definitely ups and downs in marriage. Better go to individual and marriage counseling. Open up to her. Communicate. Listen! I believe your marriage will survive and go strong.

Barkaat · 2022-12-05T00:44:02+00:00

Yes you are making a mistake

upvotersfortruth · 2022-12-05T07:18:14+00:00

If you're cool with lifetime alimony and division of assets in her favor, she might let you out easy.

mircodosingmushrooms · 2022-12-05T13:53:49+00:00

You deserve to be happy. If you're unhappy now change it. Rekindle your relationship, go to therapy or seek your luck somewhere else. No shame in any of it

fishingforthought · 2022-12-05T17:32:59+00:00

I am in the same boat as others have posted. I chose to divorce. Did not want to be around spouse who was not into intimacy. Why travel with spouse who rejected you sexually but accept my money?

Title	Divorcing my wife after 31 years of marriage and over 40 years of knowing each other. Am I making a huge mistake?
Author	johnnyfeech
Upvotes	15
Comments	81
Date	December 4, 2022 10:23 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/zcnu6x/divorcing_my_wife_after_31_years_of_marriage_and/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/divorcing-my-wife-after-31-years-of-marriage-and.1142911 https://theredarchive.com/post/1142911

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