Hoe ti deal with the guilt?

2023-04-03T00:36:20+00:00

The issue is you can't stay married to someone that has checked out. No matter how much you want to repair the marriage, it takes 2. You might always have love for the other person, you have to try to move forward.

Diablo_Canyon2 · 2023-04-03T03:39:30+00:00

Work on yourself now. Don't try to date.

Ever-learning271 · 2023-04-03T03:30:25+00:00

Dating should be the last thing on your mind unless she already is (or cheated) and you are looking to do it in retaliation…either way, focus on yourself; self-care is a must! No contact with EX unless it’s for your kids or to discuss Divorce (and that is another beast). You need to heal YOU before you can let anyone else in and “move-on”. Hope this helps..Good Luck❤️‍🩹

ABBucsfan · 2023-04-03T00:29:52+00:00

Eh honestly as part of my religious beliefs I actually believe you're only free to remarry if the other dies (not you specifically, those that believe...).. so I don't personally plan to get past it. I'm at peace with it. Like you when I said my vows that was it. Even when divorce was coming it was we either fix it or I remain life the celibate quite life. Even if I didn't I have never really had much of a positive experience chasing women. It's always ended with some type of hurt. I'm sort of relieved personally, especially with the mess of a society we are in today and his messy relationships are

MightBusiness7231 · 2023-04-03T13:53:09+00:00

First of all, know that it’s natural. You were with this woman for 24 years. You were dedicated and proved that through a generation. Your feelings of guilt show someone who truly is a giver to others.

Get a therapist and work through cognitive behavioral therapy on this guilt. I presume you were the one who left, and if so, you have your reasons and they are legitimate after 24 years. If she left you, then we’re in the same boat.

derelictherds · 2023-04-03T16:44:06+00:00

Other men out there that felt like this, how did you move past it?

By not dating until I was mentally ready for dating. Clean up your existing mess before making a new one.

dday_throwaway3 · 2023-04-03T11:29:39+00:00

> I never said anything like "unless we get divorced."

You're the only one in your relationship playing by the old set of rules. When you got together 24 years ago, there wasn't much information about understanding female nature. But men have been swapping notes for two decades now. You're adhering to a limiting belief. You need to take the time to understand women, because you're one blow-job away from clearing out closet space for a new woman.

This is the best advice I've come across about dating during divorce and afterwards: https://forum.mensdivorce.com/viewtopic.php?t=81647

Hope that helps.

lordrognoth · 2023-04-03T12:23:57+00:00

I had the same issue for a while, that will pass when you realise she's basically fucking anyone that says hello to her. Move on.

SII75 · 2023-04-03T13:49:49+00:00

I wouldn’t date until your divorce is final. Most lawyers will tell you that.

5unshine_Daydream · 2023-04-03T14:13:00+00:00

Mostly just time working its magic. Eventually, there is a feeling of needing to move on. The next step is getting laid, but only when you are past the serious guilt phase and clearly in the awkward phase. There may still be some lingering guilt but working through it will allow for a clear transition. This may also just involve dating if that suits your morals/personality better.

lostcanuck007 · 2023-04-03T07:28:49+00:00

get escorts.

use a condom.

have an orgy.

then come back and talk to us.

upvotersfortruth · 2023-04-03T06:45:05+00:00

Every contract, including marriage, has express and implied conditions. "Unless we get divorced" is implied unless divorce was not allowed by law at the time you got married.

WindowFuzz · 2023-04-03T13:45:28+00:00

It might help if you added some more details to your original post (and directly edited the original post so everyone can see them)--why did you separate? Did she initiate it? Was it amicable? Are there kids involved? It is a bit difficult to give meaningful advice, beyond some platitudes like "it'll get better", without more information, since the right way to handle something like this depends on the circumstances.

Thunderstruck0224 · 2023-04-03T15:38:53+00:00

I'm in the same boat. I filed a year and a half ago and still waiting on it being final. I want to date but I feel like I should wait until it's done. Also, I dread putting in the effort to get to know someone new. I'm enjoying my alone time but also feel kind of lonely. Finding a friends with benefits I think would be ideal.

froman590 · 2023-04-18T04:10:43+00:00

Honestly man, go talk to a therapist. I saw your original story “TIFU by breaking my house…” on Facebook, and while I wasn’t married to her, it sounded almost exactly like what happened with my gf and baby mama of five years. I fucked up by pushing her away, but the fact is she was checked out, and meeting up with a guy, and it was pretty much the exact same situation and story that happened with you. After a couple years we got on decent terms again, but I spent 4 or 5 years hung up on her until I went and talked to someone about all my lingering pain and hurt. It wasn’t until I talked to her about a lot of guilt I had towards her that I realized I had always wanted some kind of closure for how miserable she made me feel, but turns out that because I had hurt her so badly through neglect that she just couldn’t validate my feelings (it was a really good talk though and I did a lot of apologizing). Realizing that was actually pretty freeing, but I still needed to go talk to someone about my pain, and I’m finally doing alright after over 5 years of being miserably hung up on her. Like legit my goal everyday was to not hate life. That’s like the barest threads of the whole story, but though I’m sure I have no true idea about your situation, I can related and feel for ya man.

To be clear without knowing more to your story than the original reddit post, I can say with certainty that you were not the one that fucked up, and her actions and attitude of not being sorry, while continuing to see the guy behind your back show such a lack of respect towards you, and your guilt is probably a manifestation of not understanding how she could do this to you. Not to rub it in, but I would also be incredibly surprised if it was plutonic.

TLDR please, please, go talk to a professional before you spend 5+ years going through the motions of life hung up on a lady that isn’t thinking about you.

Edit: just going to add that because of our son, and my family essentially being her new family. We interacted a lot. She married and had two more children who I absolutely adore. Being around her definitely didn’t help, but even without that I still needed professional help, and I can actually go to family stuff or hang out with her and the kids, and not be in love with her now.

Bad_boy_18 · 2023-04-27T10:47:10+00:00

Hey i am sorry you are going through it it will be alright you just need time. Read your previous post about how your wife was talking to a coworker and you broke stuff around the house. What happened after that? Is she with him now?

Title	Hoe ti deal with the guilt?
Author	rhett342
Upvotes	16
Comments	40
Date	April 3, 2023 12:14 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/12a3d0h/hoe_ti_deal_with_the_guilt/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/hoe-ti-deal-with-the-guilt.1207051 https://theredarchive.com/post/1207051

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