How long until it gets better?

Mountain_Collar_7620 · 2022-10-14T18:41:29+00:00

Somewhere between years and Never I’ll let you know if I reach a definite answer

dkblue1 · 2022-10-14T19:19:43+00:00

How long was the marriage and how many, ages of kids?

Edit: I saw 23 yrs, and 2 college age kids.

Your grieving will start but you won't begin real healing until closer to final divorce date and after. Divorce decree makes it real because many times you will imagine she will change her mind (out of hope).

In general You will need minimum 1 year after divorce to feel less emotional. If you are active in your healing, moving on, dating again, building a new life and identity, then you can be substantially better around 2 years and by 3rd year there will only be a phantom pain usually triggered by nostalgia.

I'm 3 yrs post divorce decree, and I love my life. I still feel slight sorrow when I think about certain things, but I snap out of it and know I would not want to be back with my ex even if she wanted to because I'm having a lot of fun discovering me again after 20 yrs.

superfaip · 2022-10-14T19:32:17+00:00

I was a wreck for the first 4 months or so.

2 years out and I still feel sadness at times. It’s not overwhelming though.

Jbr74 · 2022-10-14T20:13:46+00:00

I'm close to 4 years out since we split. Been officially divorced for almost 3.5.

I've been where you've been and then some.

The first 6 weeks were so bad I didn't want to live anymore and was miserable.

In fact, we split and the whole D word was thrown out on Feb 8, 2019, and on March 16, 2019, I nearly successfully ended my life by poisoning myself.

After spending nearly a month in the hospital and several days in a coma, and some mandatory time in the funny farm. I started pulling my head out of my ass.

I am not trying to be insensitive, but that's where you are right now, your head is up your ass. And that's ok and it's actually quite normal for a lot of us. In fact, my head was so far up my ass it almost created an endless loop.

Look how long it's going to take, is going to depend on how long it takes you to realize your STBX was a bad fit and you are better off without them, and that can happen many ways. Clearly, I took the shittest way possible to find that out, and for the love of God, do NOT put your family, and especially your kids through what I put my daughter through.

But one day it will happen, things will get better and it actually kind of snowballs, but most likely it's going to take about a year. Even after my stupid stunt, which did DRASTICALLY change my outlook, I would still say it took close to a year.

Unfortunately, it takes time, and I know that's what everyone says, and sounds cliche, and you are like "Well, it sucks in the meantime." And unfortunately, it's just part of the process.

Take it from a guy who "thought he couldn't go on one more day," who is now thankful that wretched bitch isn't in my life anymore.

It's gonna be ok dude, keep that head up.

aco198 · 2022-10-14T19:49:40+00:00

I’m about a month into it as well. We both still live under the same roof. She’s gone most of the time going on dates after work and sleeping over these random guys places (started dating more than one guy immediately or just continued after DDay). I’m a heart broken mess 90% of the day. I get an hour or two of motivation to follow through with divorce related issues. I don’t think I can start to heal once I leave the apartment. I got really bad news today that the landlord won’t let me out of the lease and I’m stuck until the end of march. I keep seeing these posts about how freedom feels great yada yada…. I’m wondering myself, when will my brain, body and spirit begin to repair.

Feel free to dm me if you want to talk. Looks like we’re both in a similar situation.

dday_throwaway3 · 2022-10-14T20:35:53+00:00

Your wife is one of a million, not one in a million. When you truly understand that, the pain will stop. Read The Rational Male by Rollo Tomassi.

Theedon · 2022-10-15T05:16:48+00:00

7 years as of Oct 12th. Saw a picture of her that I took on the 11th. My feelings for her in that picture are the same today as they were back then when she was my wife. I haven't seen her or heard her voice in over 6 years. I could crawl back into bed next to her like it never happened.

But I force myself to move on. I work, I keep a clean house, I see my kids, I pay my bills. I am even dating a nice single Mother.

My EX is in the past. So I move on the best I can.

I am also off the meds and no longer drink to forget.

Funny_Wolverine_9 · 2022-10-14T18:41:02+00:00

"Very truly I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. Anyone who loves their life will lose it, while anyone who hates their life in this world will keep it for eternal life".

Congratulations and welcome! You are just another 50% of the men who is getting asked for divorce by 80% of women.

No one can answer that question for you. Don't fight the pain. Work out daily ( I run daily), focus on your job, and ACCEPT it. You will survive just like the other men.

SwamiSweatSocks · 2022-10-14T19:45:25+00:00

I’m at 5 years, still pains me sometimes but probably the first couple of years are the worst.

jtimmrman · 2022-10-14T21:22:39+00:00

Different lengths of time for different people. You'll stop being sad when you get angry. Get angry my man! For me, it got better when I got over her and started loving myself again, like when I was younger. Now, I don't even miss her and I have found myself a wonderful woman. Good luck to you, Brother!

stent00 · 2022-10-14T20:20:56+00:00

It takes time man....just the passage of time makes you heal from traumatic events. And counselling you should talk to someone 100% it helps tremendously so you don't feel all alone. I've been there and did that you can too!

ragingredditir · 2022-10-14T22:55:57+00:00

This varies greatly.

The person who thought he had the love of his life and got completely blindsided will be different compared to the guy who has spent years just hanging on by a thread.

The guy who escapes relatively unscathed financially and never had kids will heal faster than the guy who finds himself suddenly underwater.

Be patient with yourself, no matter which guy you are it will get better

gorlewski · 2022-10-14T19:41:38+00:00

I’m about 2 -3 weeks ahead of you. The only things that have been saving me are working a ton, Yankees baseball and listening to music. I have also gotten professional help from a therapist and a lawyer.

I talk to my best friend every day no matter what. Even if it just a text to tell him that he sucks and I’m doing ok.

I still have shitty days. Right now is kind of one of them as I write this I am watching Yankees baseball but I am all by myself in a small apartment with my daughter at school and not coming home until after homecoming. I will do my best to stay busy and out of my head.

It will get better/easier when everyone is different. My therapist said that a divorce is like a death with no body, no funeral and no wake. You have to process this like someone has died. My STBXW and I were together 25 years and married for 21 of those years. I witnessed the death of my marriage when she said she wanted a divorce.

Now I am in the phase after a death where I am grieving my loss but I know I have the hard work ahead of dealing with the legal challenges and issues that come with the situation.

If you want to chat about anything reach out. I’m willing to talk or just listen.

akihonj · 2022-10-14T21:28:43+00:00

It took me a long time, daily breaking down and in tears multiple times a day.

A few weeks go by and I start to become numb, less breaking down and accepting it, then blame, of her of myself of everyone and everything, and then back to being numb.

Then bargaining, if I do this she'll want me back, went to revenge, if I do this she'll regret it.

Finally despair, I nearly ended my life and dreamt of ways to take her with me, take half of society with me. A hell of a self destructive bent for a while.

Truth be told I was really avoiding dealing with it and going through the stages of grief in the worst possible way. I was trying to do things instead of trying to learn and rediscover myself, I was seeing the negatives and avoiding the positives because they were too painful.

It does get better, it take a lot of work, surrounding yourself with good people who know you and will listen and help, professional people who are trained to deal with this can also help.

This sub will be a great help for advice and to find people to just listen and let you rant, that has to be better than the alternative.

HorrorAd1946 · 2022-10-14T22:40:08+00:00

I think everyone grieves differently, and the time it takes has many factors to it. If for example you had a childhood, that left you with abandonment issues or co-dependant, it will take years unfortunately. I feel it also has to do with what we decide to focus on, if you can get yourself involved in charity work helping others you focus more on others and your own problems seem to not seem as severe.

We as men tend to move on before we are healed however to help recover only to usually make the same mistakes and ignore the red flags and gut feelings.

I can say, you will make it, if you determine in your mind you will. Memories become a little less intense, a little less impact full with emotional response.

Join a men's group, find social activities that help keep you busy, but at some point you will need to deal with the loss and heal. I wish you all the best in your recovery!

Correct-Perception94 · 2022-10-14T23:45:54+00:00

It is actually a multiple of the years you were together in months, before it gets better. I think the number you multiply the months by is determined by the sincerity of your commitment. For me it was 5 months for every year we were together, and I still have dreams about her that send me back to as if it didn't get better at all, but it is actually better, most days.

TomCatInTheHouse · 2022-10-15T00:06:39+00:00

I'm almost 8 years out. I was married 10 years with 2 young children at the time of divorce. They are teenagers now so I still have to deal with the ex, but for me I'd say year 4 or 5 things were more normal.

I also went through beginning experience, which is a great program for divorced/widowed folks thatbyou should look up, and a crap load of counseling.

warrior_up · 2022-10-15T00:31:00+00:00

Ebbs and flows, the longer into it, the less intense and less frequent. Then you realize how much better off you are as a free man, go/do anything you want for as long as you want - that’s the beauty of it

hittincervix · 2022-10-15T04:04:52+00:00

2 years for me and man its much better.

Ruggiard · 2022-10-15T10:41:38+00:00

One year in. Everything seemed okay and the last formalities of the divorce proceedings are being settled. She then asked me on a sidenote if she could occasionally come and see the dog. A volcano of emotion erupted in me.

I felt angered by that request (although it might even have been meant as an olive branch to establish contact without saying that she wants to see me). I felt vindictive because she had chosen to leave and also said some nasty things about the dog which even at the time I knew she didn't mean. I felt possessive of my dog and wanted to protect him from more heartbreak. I felt hurt and glib that she misses parts of our joint life but now wants to cherry pick the parts she liked (fun time with the dogs) out of the package (living in the countryside, fiscal responsibility, a dog friendly everyday routine).

I had a mean and well-crafted response ready and was about to press send. Then I remembered my stoics. Emotions are reactions to outside events and we must examine these reactions.

In the end, I wrote: "as for your request to see the dog: I am sorry, but you touch upon some very hard feelings there and I don't see that as a possibility. I wish you all the best for your life. Seeing how unhappy you were before was painful to me too. I hope you find the happiness that shone through in your best moments. Be happy, laugh, be fearless and enjoy doing the things that you like most".

I hope I've passed a test and am one step closer to moving on.

Intelligent-Drop-759 · 2022-10-15T11:40:33+00:00

I’m about 2yrs in and in the beginning I had to have a friend take all my guns out of the house. I still break down about 3 times a week over stupid things. My Mom and Dad both passed in the last year as well so it’s all wrapped together. If I’m being honest with myself and the world my divorce hurt more than losing them, death is going to get all of us and of course my ex made it seem like it was 99% me that ruined our marriage and I carry that everyday. Even for a sad sack like me it is getting better little by little. There is hope, stay strong always know you are not alone the world thinks it’s men that get over divorce and move on, but all of us know that is BS.

Girl_Dad42 · 2022-10-15T12:09:25+00:00

What do you mean by better? Emotionally? You’re going to go through tons of emotions. Don’t fight them. Accept them but work through them. Hopefully, you are already seeing a therapist. Also, have a close circle of trusted friends and family that you can call when you really need to talk it out. One thing I kept saying to myself is to keep looking forward. You can’t change anything in the past. You now have the ability to create the life you want! Look for the positives throughout the process and keep focused on them.

If you’re talking about it getting better with your ex? It may never happen and you will need to take steps to mitigate her behaviors. I knew my ex had some boundary issues. I required that all our communication be done through an app called Our Family Wizard so that everything is documented. It has saved me some aggravation.

DivorceCoachMarcin · 2022-10-15T14:04:19+00:00

Www. CoachMarcin.com

figbatdiggernickk · 2022-10-15T16:50:40+00:00

Took me about three years before I took my life back. I kinda just hit a point where I was sick of being stepped on and put down by the same person. The best piece of advice I got while going through it was “nobody cares about you more than yourself, and nobody’s going to help you if you don’t help yourself.”

fishingforthought · 2022-10-16T15:32:41+00:00

How long does it take for this actual physical pain to go away?

What you are fell is mental anguish. The loss of... The reality of ... and betrayed of. The sooner you can stop letting this person take up your thoughts the faster you can heal. You must stop letting the person in your thought.

UpUpandTAway · 2022-10-20T21:44:28+00:00

Very sorry to hear of your troubles. I was told she wanted a divorce a little over two weeks ago. We will be telling the kids soon. I am in so much pain physically and mentally and I don't see it going away any time soon. I'm on meds to help with the depression and sleeplessness but I'm still a walking mess. Just got through my umpteenth panic attack for the day. I ran my usual three miles but there is no joy in it. I eat, but there is no joy in it. You are not alone in your feelings. I know that is cold comfort, but it is something. Stay active.

Title	How long until it gets better?
Author	rhett342
Upvotes	20
Comments	38
Date	October 14, 2022 6:30 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/y41j5t/how_long_until_it_gets_better/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/how-long-until-it-gets-better.1135675 https://theredarchive.com/post/1135675