Confused

guy_n_cognito_tu · 2022-12-29T14:56:30+00:00

Yeah that's pretty common. She didn't hate your life, but she's now got all her friends and family in her ear, and they're telling and retelling the exaggerated stories about you, turning you more and more into a villain with every telling. Labels like "narcissist" and "abuser" are being thrown around without any thought of the true implications.

Small_Quarter_3673 · 2022-12-29T15:08:22+00:00

When a woman has made her mind up she gets stuck on it. If she is telling you she is done all you can do is to let her go. If she at some point wants to come back that's when you got to make a tough decision. Right now just tell her "whatever you want "

CB33isGMC · 2022-12-29T17:49:33+00:00

Don’t believe the BS bro. It’s part of their justification process.

I know firsthand that it hurts to hear your wife describe you like that. Be bigger and move on.

My wife moved out with the kids initially. When I was finally able to get in touch and get her side of things I literally had to laugh.

We were living the American dream by anybody’s standards, yet she was describing me as the worst mf-er to ever walk planet earth. Telling me about how many of her bozo friends and family members that had co-signed on it.

At one point I was literally working full-time, finishing grad school, and coaching my kids’ youth teams year-round, but she had the nerve to call me lazy and unmotivated (because I wasn’t some scammer with a “hustler” mentality).

That’s when I understood very clearly that I was no longer dealing with a rational person.

Leave her alone. Completely. Otherwise you risk internalizing some really nasty shit from the person you love most.

oldschool818 · 2022-12-29T17:09:11+00:00

Read up on “light switch effect” and you’ll understand. When they decide they’re unhappy, the switch flips and they feel they were never happy.

It’s completely irrational, which is why you find the behavior confusing.

SelectionNo3078 · 2022-12-29T14:56:34+00:00

sorry you're going through this

my marriage was extremely high conflict for about 3 years but the past 5 or so years i thought we were slowly getting better

but it turns out she had built a wall around her entire life outside of the time we spent together at home and had been checked out for years

there's nothing worse than the cliche of the spouse that checks out and goes through the motions instead of being honest with their partner and being willing to work on the issues when they are still solvable

**spoiler alert: i STILL think they are solvable. but i guess my NY resolution needs to be to start the process and move the f on

Sea-Shallot · 2022-12-29T15:57:45+00:00

Read the rational male to understand why she’s behaving this way. Will put things in perspective.

SaulBrewster · 2022-12-29T16:47:50+00:00

Same story here man. Sometimes they just rewrite history in their heads. Wish I had some good advice on pushing through to the other side. It’s brutal. Just know that you’re not alone

polarshred · 2022-12-29T16:48:33+00:00

Yup. Happened to me too. I feel yeah brother. Just start the healing process for yourself. Try to forget about her. Hang with friends, focus on hobbies, try not to numb yourself with drugs and alcohol. Goid luck

MartyMcFly7 · 2022-12-29T17:36:05+00:00

As others have said, this is very common. My ex did it too.

It confused me, until I read a research article that said women tend to focus on all the negatives and rewrite history because -- theory goes -- it makes it easier for them to disconnect. Men, on the other hand, like to return to past mates for sex, so we tend to not focus on the negatives as much.

But rest assured, you are not the caricature of a person she's making you out to be. She just wants to feel justified in leaving and have a good story to tell her friends and family so she's not the "bad guy."

It's like how my new GF thinks I'm "perfect" and always blames herself for any mishaps, but my ex did the exact opposite (never apologized for anything and I was always the problem). I'm the exact same person, the two just see me and value me differently.

throwaway128471864 · 2022-12-29T18:12:00+00:00

Dude, she went through the grieving process and probably placed all of her problems as your fault. You're separated, and strangers now almost, don't bother with how she feels, just do you.

Mountain_Collar_7620 · 2022-12-29T17:57:15+00:00

Block Her - Formalise Interaction if needed . Life is too short to play Cartoon Villain for someone’s hormone pantomime . You can’t make her not talk but you can Not Pick Up . Im sure you’re a lovely person or you wouldn’t be asking the question . Just accept you can’t control what people think and move on

dday_throwaway3 · 2022-12-29T21:00:49+00:00

It's called gaslighting. Everything is your fault. Women take no responsibility or accountability for their actions.

Stop looking to her for validation.

Gattsama · 2022-12-29T23:24:56+00:00

First rule if divorce, never listen or or believe anything the STBX says. They are creatures of emotion and chaos. They don't speak to communicate information, but in response to their current feeling, and to attempt to control your feelings.

She will literally do or say anything that she thinks will create her desired out come; and justify it to herself. False abuse claims, DVPO/TRO, you were emotionally abusive, financially abusive, the kids are not safe with you, you forced her to do X, she faked every orgasm, she never got over the hurt you caused her X years ago when you did Y, etc. etc

You need to move into indifference asap. The goal is she is just someone that you use to know, and outside of the divorce (or kids if you have them) zero contact and zero fucks given.

Do NOT try to use logic or reason, with illogical people. You will never understand why she does what she does, and it no longer matters anyway. "Don't try to understand women. Women understand women, and they hate each other."

xadmin123 · 2022-12-29T19:38:10+00:00

Sounds like she has borderline disorder. She split you black.

inshallahmode88 · 2022-12-30T12:15:20+00:00

Things aren't true for women the way they're true for us.

I bet you'll look back and think, it was really great at the start. Things fell apart along the way, then they started to get really bad towards the end .

For her, when you got together she thought you were the man. For whatever reason, she decides it over, and now you've always been the arsehole.

Evo-psych people say it's a built in way to rationalize busting up a family in order to procreate again with new genes and diversify her genetic line. Maybe that's true, I don't know.

But either way, you're not alone. It's very common. I'm sorry, bro. Try to detach any value you place on her opinion of you.

Classic_Dill · 2022-12-29T22:22:16+00:00

Did she cheat?

stent00 · 2022-12-30T01:54:05+00:00

Women and there hormones bud... And in divorce they all PROJECT onto you....hence why your getting hit with the nastiness....they ALL do that and it's par for the course. Just grey rock... No need to communicate if you don't have too

Title	Confused
Author	Drew_boo-85
Upvotes	11
Comments	31
Date	December 29, 2022 2:31 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/zy6rkj/confused/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/confused.1213296 https://theredarchive.com/post/1213296

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