How did you all get over this crap

tanen55 · 2023-07-20T17:00:52+00:00

Time and working on yourself. believe me…. you will get over it and be fine on the other end.

And do not rush back into dating. it’s way more important to recover than to get ass. if you start dating to early you are only going to postpone the healing that has to be done. I learned this the hard way.

You’ll be alright… be an example for your son..

henrysmyagent · 2023-07-20T18:39:31+00:00

You loved and reveled in being a dad and husband. The vessel you poured that love and devotion into turned out to be a chamber pot.

Build your new life first. A life you feel happy in and proud of. You and your son against the world!

Only then should you venture back into the dating pool. Avoid online dating like you would avoid a rabid dog, and for the same reasons.

Do it the old fashioned way if you want old fashioned results

azwildcat74 · 2023-07-20T18:33:02+00:00

With divorce rate at 50% it IS unfortunately as 'normal' as anything else.

If you're trying to have sex a bunch still it's as easy as ever, if you've not invested anything into yourself via healthy diet, exercise, having a good profession you're going to struggle. Why would anyone else want to fuck with you if you don't give a shit about yourself?

If the above doesn't apply to you it's as easy as shooting fish in a barrel. Just take your time and be responsible.

ArtichokeSavings9472 · 2023-07-20T17:55:17+00:00

Get into a gym and work hard stay consistent , eat and sleep right not just the I think I’m eating well but actually bout effort into it. Get with friends go out no expectations just have fun then read about divorce breakups and get into therapy . Do what you love to do out yourself first and have a routine not a boring mundane routine but gym eat sleep soocialize it will get better and easier . Also you weren’t in love with her just the fantasy you created around her you were complacent not truly in love or happy there are endless amounts of amazing women out there who will want to be around you spend time with you and be a part of your life ! Keep moving forward !

ProcedureAltruistic3 · 2023-07-20T17:36:40+00:00

I thought at a couple of months I was good to go. Started going on some dates. Then I crashed again. I've decided I'm not going to rush anything and I'm just going to spend every day trying to improve my situation even slightly, and raising my kids the best I can. Only important things I have left.

Jsutton3187 · 2023-07-20T18:43:58+00:00

Detox yourself, take it slow on dating. Let that come naturally and the spark happen on it's own, when it is time.

Youre just in your head with it at the moment, just have to get your headspace figured out and figure out how to (mentally) adjust from that lifelong routine and idea. But I am sure it'll turn to bliss soon!

silmarp · 2023-07-20T21:55:28+00:00

Don't worry about your son. Just worry about being a good father and he will be glad for it. Having two houses is not even that bad for him if he can have fun at yours.

Love is not a feeling, Love is action. Love is a choice.

Bluetoes1 · 2023-07-21T01:30:00+00:00

Dude! You are normal! You are now part of the majority with a divorce. If you ex is a decent person, you guys will heal over a few years and maybe be able to be friends enough to share events with your son.

But you have provided him a home, and stability, and that is what is most important.

I learned being a single parent isn’t bad. It actually strengthened my relationship with my two girls.

Just be available for your son, and you’ll be ahead if the game.

In terms of dating and sex, it will come. But I agree with all the other folks here when they say work on yourself. Ensure you are mentally ready to get involved with someone before you get back out there

onlyheretolurktoday · 2023-07-20T19:58:10+00:00

I feel your message with my whole heart man. I taught my ex so much about life as she came from a country where it’s very corrupt and poor and when she immigrated she truly didn’t understand the world.

I think now and she didn’t do anything for me. She cheated and gave me a std but when I truly think of it I never loved her. I just wanted the family image and for my son to be happy.

I truly don’t even think her new man will be happy. She has a nice body but they faded over time with the lack of communication and common sense.

I feel very sad for my 4 year old son as she is confusing him so bad now and telling him hurtful Things to hurt me. She’s brought him around many men she met in the 20 months we were apart and tried for full custody twice. She lied and got an EPO and I couldn’t see my son for three weeks until our court date. I had all the evidence I needed and the judge basically called her a liar.

It will not stop with her as she’s proud of being manipulative and lying but my son will absorb that as well. We’re week on and week off

ultrasuperthrowaway · 2023-07-20T22:48:47+00:00

Considering that anyone can be normal is silly. Nobody is normal. Never bothered me but it may be possible I’m a psychopath I guess. I just don’t really have the emotional capacity for worrying about this type of stuff anymore.

MfxTPHpgh · 2023-07-20T23:48:03+00:00

You can always choose to have sex whenever you want. You said you were financially good, so go see a professional. I'm serious about this.

A lot of men do just that during a divorce or breakup and usually, if they do their homework in order to find a pro whom understands what's going on with them and with whom you feel like you have some chemistry and a good rapport. Most often, they find that besides fulfilling it's obvious purpose , it helpful with feeling confident and is a good distraction. It's not for everyone though, so YMMV

ciscopimp2 · 2023-07-21T00:53:54+00:00

Get into therapy as soon as possible to get rid of or, at least, mitigate the anger. As my mother-in-law told me (yes, we still talk weekly), as long as you're angry, she wins. That's all I needed for me. Also, you may want to start doing the things you want to do that you couldn't do in the marriage. For example, I started going back to church. Celebrate each time you do something that you couldn't do before.

jkw118 · 2023-07-21T01:40:01+00:00

So first off sex all the time.. damn i wish.. my ex was essentially a ice cube 6 months after we married. Unless she wanted a kid..then it was sex, get her pregnant.. then nothing.. no real love, no real trust.. it was all lipservice.

But reality here, your kids will grow up fine, when you have them make sure you spend time with them.. like actually spend time with them.. when you don't you take care of the house, and have a little bit of a life and work...

dct1982 · 2023-08-06T05:10:07+00:00

Let me say this - I don't know how long you were married or how old you are etc. But if you're on the older side like not a kid anymore like 35 plus etc. Be prepared for some BS drama, dragged out BS, and games that are going to make you feel like you're in high school again.

I'm sorry I'm not trying to be negative but 90% of women are online now as far as dating goes. I wish you the best and I hope you meet somebody in person that is decent so you don't have to deal with online dating. Because I'm 40 years old, make good money, have two cars, have my own apartment, and relatively good looking probably a 6-8/10 depending on the woman's type... I have been single for over 10 years, I consider myself a decent catch because I know how to treat a woman, I was raised right as far as that goes. I've never cheated and I've never hit a woman and I'm not controlling, clingy, and I'm very trusting of my woman she can go out with whoever she wants as long as she doesn't cheat I could care less etc.

I've been trying the date... for over 5 years with absolutely no luck..... I've met up with 3 girls. The first one was one single date. She came out with some crap about how I was a great guy but it wasn't going to work out or something stupid. Second one was an absolute nutcase with an STD. The third one was an absolute complete and utter "co-dependant clinger" who is obsessed with me after like talking for 7 days and meeting me once. Of course I made the mistake of sleeping with that one before I realized how nuts she was.

However there is one thing I will say to YOUR benefit, you're a single father, a lot of decent women are going to be very attracted to that. Especially any that want kids with their next man. Or any that have kids already. Way too many fathers do not have their kids in their lives, so a single father? Very attractive to many women(source: several of my female friends)

EDIT: take the advice of the people on here that are saying to completely get over your divorce and work on yourself for a while. Although most divorces take a while so you've already been separated for quite some time by the time the divorce finalizes you might still want to work on yourself and make sure you're happy alone before you worry about somebody else. Doesn't mean you got to not get laid but hold off in a relationship unless you're sure you're absolutely ready.

steaksauce872 · 2023-07-20T20:07:11+00:00

Sex whenever you wanted? I wanted sex often from my wife but was turned down probably at least once a week.

I don’t know how to get over it because I’m on the thick of it. I guess just one day at a time. I loved the family unit as well. I tried as hard as I possibly could for my family.

Only for my wife to drop a nuclear bomb on our lives together.

Gattsama · 2023-07-21T02:41:28+00:00

You need to focus on being: physically fit, emotionally fit, mentally fit and financially fit. Don't worry about dating / women until you are fit. Once you are, trust us, it will not be a problem (there is no shortage of women on the planet, a good one is rare though).

The problem a lot of men have is lack of focus and drive. We work hard, but to what purpose? Most seem to be just on cruise control: work hard, get job, make more money, get married, have kids, house chores, etc. The goal of getting fit is to step back and ask what kind of life do you want to live. What is _YOUR_ best life. Then taking the steps to create that life.

Being fit allows you too. I have no kids, and hence a lot more freedom, but I was 100% focused on being a husband / provider and 'good man' during the marriage. Sounds like you are the same, you took on and absorbed the 'Dad/Husband' role, and now that that's gone (or highly modified) you are not sure what to do.

Notice you post 'now I _have_ to get back to dating'. Why do you think you have to get back into dating? Do you want to do that? Are are you just trying to repeat and recreate the model that you knew and have been told is correct?

I sounds silly but actually sit down and make a list of 25 things that are 'goals' in life. Then try as best to arrange them in order of desire. #1-5 are your dreams, #6-25 are your dream killers :) #6-25 are really goals that you really want, but you can't have it all, so you need to focus on #1-5 and put the rest on hold.

I'm still figuring it out myself, because I haven't really decided what my next role in life will be. And all the things I'm doing are all good things to pursue. But once you figure out what your new role is, what the new grind is, what the new focus is; the rest of life just takes care of itself. Either you don't care/indifferent or it's already handled.

Stay safe out there...

justaguywadog · 2023-07-21T02:44:28+00:00

Drink a lotttt then started going on one date a week min

IAmOculusRift · 2023-07-24T03:55:51+00:00

I'm right there with you. One of my good divorced friends will simply say, "It'll get better."

It WILL get better and you'll be a better father and person for it.

koolaidkid12345 · 2023-07-20T18:56:09+00:00

Having some food cooked (I hate cooking) and sex a few times a week is about the only two things I'll miss. As it is now, I seldom engage with her unless we have to, and we haven't had sex in a long time. Food I can figure out if I can make enough to afford rent/etc and food.

Title	How did you all get over this crap
Author	helloworld2389023
Upvotes	16
Comments	33
Date	July 20, 2023 4:16 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/154vf6g/how_did_you_all_get_over_this_crap/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/how-did-you-all-get-over-this-crap.1225902 https://theredarchive.com/post/1225902

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