Joining the club. Wife of 18 years asked for divorce two weeks ago and I just need to share my thoughts to someone.

Dangerous_Item_6879 · 2023-07-22T21:33:43+00:00

They all start off as being quite “reasonable”. Just prepare for the worst possible scenario.

Then they start getting advice from attorneys and other friends who are divorced.

File first so she cannot claim false domestic violence claim. Record all your conversations. Never touch or hit her. If things escalate, walk away.

Assume she will try to steal money by buying gift cards and disguising them as grocery store purchases.

Assume she will put stupid items on your joint credit card.

This is now war and you need to be on offense and defense at the same time.

Remember the person you once loved does not exist anymore. She is just the mother of your kids now. Nothing more.

playerknowmore · 2023-07-22T23:37:35+00:00

If possible, use the affair fog to your benefit. Sometimes, they feel guilty for breaking up the family for another man. Those who don't aren't worth being married to in the first place.

Lean into divorce. Get a lawyer Monday, and tell him you want an excelerated divorce. You can never trust her again. This affair has probably been going on as long as she put divorce on the table. Her coworker probably has gotten caught, and his wife is leaving him. You need to be on the ball because a lot of women try and cut out the husband and paste in the boyfriend.

Tell her you will give her the divorce, but you want no less than you have earned. The only good news I have for you is that a relationship that starts as an affair rarely lasts.

Danno5367 · 2023-07-23T01:36:55+00:00

You mean the man she's been seeing for 1-1/2 years. Corrected it for you.

Flashy_Yam967 · 2023-07-22T21:30:31+00:00

As much as this will hurt and the bitterness you should have for her "cheating", play nice, put on a non angry non resentfully face during the d process. That is what I did and the process went good, certainly much better than if I pissed her off.

PositivityKnight · 2023-07-23T01:34:40+00:00

Hey boss reach out to me or any of us here if it gets too dark and you need someone to talk to my dms are always open

catter3423 · 2023-07-23T01:46:42+00:00

Few months in with a very similar story. Feel free to message me if you need to vent. You got this!

hpsportsfanatic · 2023-07-22T23:29:26+00:00

File fast. Get the process going while she wants to remain reasonable

Theedon · 2023-07-23T01:03:59+00:00

Welcome to the club with open arms. Time to move fast and get this divorce done and over with like it was your idea from the start. Separate your bank accounts if you haven't already. Put the house up for sale asap. Don't stop to catch a breath. The faster you complete it the fast you can get to healing yourself.

Jumpy-University3306 · 2023-07-23T12:44:44+00:00

I am really sorry man. These situations are always hurtful. Get an attorney, get a therapist, get fit, and read books. Stay away from social media. 75 hard program really got me through a lot.

I was married for 18 years/together 21. I was blindsided by the affair. I tried making it work, and that was the worst period of time in my life. Fast forward and both kids moved away from her, and live with me full time. Her relationship and life are circling down to the sewer. Stay strong brother. We are all here for you.

captainchippsixx · 2023-07-23T02:09:23+00:00

Yep. This is how it goes. Try to speed the divorce up as fast as you can. Nothing pisses me off more than basically paying her expenses to cheat and see another guy before anything is even done as far as divorce. I’m spiteful, so I would write a social post stating my wife starting seeing another man and then! Told me she wanted a divorce.

Work out daily!, eat right. Be a good dad. In 30 days you will be in good shape and in 60 great shape. Put alerts on the accounts. Make sure your sore car key is only where you know. Have some cash handy as well. Even though things seem okay, spouses will empty accounts and make false acxusatios.

The new guy gets free puzzy. But when she leans on him that’s when he will drop her

upvotersfortruth · 2023-07-23T03:30:11+00:00

Loss of a marriage brings grief, similar to loss of a loved one. Everyone (except perhaps sociopaths and psychopaths) must go through the seven stages of grief. Much of the conflict that arises in divorces is because both sides are at different stages of grief. Rest assured, she's gone through them at her own pace and over a few years so she's beyond the acceptance phase. You, on the other hand, are in the shock phase.

Shock
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance and Hope
Processing grief

Everyone goes through them at their own pace but your challenge is to compartmentalize them away from her so you can focus on the nuts and bolts of the divorce to get the best deal possible for you and your kids.

You need to compartmentalize them from her because she doesn't give a shit about you anymore, no matter what she says. Divorce is a zero sum game in just about every respect, so you need to get what's yours. Don't go running to her with a reasonable or generous offer, she should make the first offer because she wants the divorce. If that's reasonable, take it. Maximize her guilt while it lasts (if it exists).

Practically:

Lawyer up
Secure all documents
Change all passwords
See if she will move out of the house, if not, you should secure your own separate space within the house (you should get the better space because she will likely be spending nights with her BF)
Do NOT interfere with her relationship, it's your best tool to get through the divorce cleanly
Do not talk to the kids until you've talked to a lawyer and a therapist
Get your hands on as much cash as you have access to, right now

Yes, the next couple months will be hard. Admitting you need help, legal, practical, emotional and whatnot - and knowing it won't come from her - are the first steps.

Take care, brother. We've seen it all and been through most of it and we are here.

rhett342 · 2023-07-23T07:09:58+00:00

No words of advice here, just want to say how much your situation sucks and that youvw always got friends here who will listen with an understanding ear.

FullHornet7212 · 2023-07-24T01:09:34+00:00

There is definitely a lot of great advice here. You obviously know your situation best, but it will definitely get worse before it gets better. My wife asked for a divorce four months ago. We have two boys, 8 & 10. We've been together for 14 years. Our marriage had its challenges during the years, but I was always committed to working it our and improving myself to try and be a better husband. We currently sleep in separate rooms and basically have separate lives. We're in the stage of trying to figure it it out-sell or not, where to go...all that. She's essentially checked out from the family, takes weekend trips, and when she's in the house, she datus in her room scrolling on her phone all day. The destruction of my family has been the worst thing I have ever experienced in my life. I am so sad for my boys. They love our family, and I can't imagine not being there every night when they go to sleep and wake up.

We're here for you, brother. Definitely DM me if you just want to talk. It's tough, but you will come out stronger on the other side of this. Sometimes, we don't know why these things happen, but we have to trust that the future path forward will eventually be one that puts us as where we should be in life. You will be happy once again and smile and laugh. Focus on your kids and spend as much quality time with them as you can, and YES, hit the gym. Lift heavy weights. I've always been an avid lifter, but I've taken my fitness to an entirely different level since my wife dropped a bomb on our family. I come out of my workouts with a positive and clear mind. That has gotten me through this mess. Trust me! There are brighter days ahead!

Remarkable-Potato21 · 2023-07-23T01:13:50+00:00

Getting a lawyer and filing dissolution papers are the first step. Get the ball rolling and put everything in place where it stands now. Moving forward everything will be seen and status quo will be set as the separation date is started.

https://www.lawforfamilies.com/12721034-90-day-cooling-off-period-for-a-divorce-in-pennsylvania.html

iSurvivedltd · 2023-07-23T21:48:58+00:00

Damn. Sorry you are having to go through this bro.

My advice to you would be to make this a fast process. Try to be fair so both sides are happy. You don’t wanna drag this out. Trust me.

Her relationship with the new dude won’t last. Trust me. In actuality-I think it can be deemed as cheating. Talk to a lawyer about that.

Stay strong and don’t do anything crazy.

Hope this helps bro

Old-Macaroon8148 · 2023-07-24T08:57:27+00:00

She’s going to be reasonable until she doesn’t get her way. She likely is in an affair fog at the moment and hasn’t calculated the financial consequences of divorce. Don’t take a penny less than you are entitled to.

Also get 50/50 joint custody in writing immediately while she is still agreeable like this week if possible.

LostSoul123433221 · 2023-07-29T09:18:00+00:00

I'm so sorry you are hurting. I landed on this post after a Google search because the same is happening to me and being catapulted into a situation like this there are so many questions you seek answers to.

I can relate so much to your situation. I have 3 kids been married many years and my husband cheated on me.

Just like you we had made a lovely family and home together, we have history, it's almost as if my whole identity has gone because my family was my main focus and it's all broken.

Its heartbreaking but very difficult for me to break away because I am so emotionally attached to him. How we are what we had and how much it meant to us etc determines our response. We go through different stages, first theres heartbreak, anger, bitterness, denial etc. But every one tells me one day it will all be over. The hurt, the pain.

It does help talking to people who are in similar. You can reach out if you want to talk. Sending you love and best wishes

berzerker5000 · 2023-07-23T03:14:15+00:00

So in TX infidelity is grounds for an at-fault divorce and disproportionate asset split and alimony in your favor. Check the laws in your state. But she is cheating within the marriage so you definitely need to file first, like yesterday. Don’t move out of the house in any circumstances. Withdrawal any funds in joint accounts like yesterday. Do not choreograph any of these moves to her. Read the list https://forum.mensdivorce.com/viewtopic.php?t=13374

Bro I am just going through this divorce thing and new to the club too, but have learned a bunch of things that I wish I did earlier on which is now too late. It is so true how it starts out friendly and then devolves into war. The person that was once the love of your life is now your biggest enemy. It is such a hard thing to grasp but what people say is true. That is why the sooner you put the emotions on ice and start playing the game, the better of you’ll be in the end.

Title	Joining the club. Wife of 18 years asked for divorce two weeks ago and I just need to share my thoughts to someone.
Author	Xeppen
Upvotes	38
Comments	50
Date	July 22, 2023 8:49 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/156uw6f/joining_the_club_wife_of_18_years_asked_for/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/joining-the-club-wife-of-18-years-asked-for.1226168 https://theredarchive.com/post/1226168

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