Sex before marriage- good or bad the second time around.

Appalachian-Rio · 2023-12-29T11:27:38+00:00

A friend of mine once jokingly said to me and my girlfriend “I hope you two aren’t engaging in any of that pre-marital sex together”. I told him that it wasn’t PRE-marital sex, it was POST-marital sex since I was divorced and therefore not an issue. 😂

Emotional_Lettuce251 · 2023-12-29T02:05:17+00:00

Not a PK, but grew up "in the church" (Sunday service, Wednesday fellowship potluck, youth group every week), and attended a private, Christian school K-12. No sex before marriage. My wife was also a virgin, and a "Christian". Married 20 years. Four children (all minors). More or less, I've barely existed to her for over the past 1/2 decade. She stopped talking to me. Stopped having sex with me. I've remained faithful to her despite the loneliness and rejection. She filed for divorce 2 months ago. I stopped going to church. My wife goes every Sunday with the kids. I got to the point that I simply could not tolerate sitting there next to her hearing sermon after sermon about "loving your neighbor", "forgiveness", "putting others before yourself", et cetera, et cetera ... you claim to be a Christian woman, yet you've not told your husband that you love him, appreciate him, are thankful for him ... in over a 1/2 decade. You've not kissed your husband, given your husband a hug, held your husbands hand, or had sex with him in over a 1/2 decade. Our children have no idea what a healthy relationship looks like because you've treated your husband with nothing but disdain and disrespect for over a 1/2 decade. Oh, but you make sure to pray before every meal, and at bedtime, with our children. How confusing must that be to our children? What will their view of God be as they get older? God is totally cool with wives who treat their husbands like shit?

To be clear, I've held a steady, decent paying job our entire marriage. We have zero debt aside from our mortgage. There is no abuse (aside from what I consider the emotional abuse I've experienced at the hands of my wife). There is no addiction. I guess my crime is that I am too nice (Don't tell me to read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" ... I have.).

So, I don't know ... I know this isn't a reflection of who God is, but who my wife is. That being said, it's something I'm going to struggle with for a bit, I think. I'm probably going to need to "wrestle with God" as Jacob did.

Vows. They truly meant something to me. It wasn't just a bunch of cute shit to say in front of friends and family. I meant them. It was a promise I was making to my wife, and a promise I was making to God ... as I stood before them both. I couldn't have cared less in any other person were in that church on that day.

For my wife ... I guess it meant about as much as a cartoon from a piece of Bazooka Joe gum.

You save sex for marriage ... and then have a wife who won't have sex with you. Perfect. Just perfect.

Samlazaz · 2023-12-29T01:51:38+00:00

Next time, make sure your next lady is sexually compatible beforehand. That's what dating is for.

I recommend focusing on this part of what it means to be a human being for the second season of you life. You only get one chance at life after all.

Classic_Dill · 2023-12-28T18:03:58+00:00

Getting married again? bad, having sex before marriage, if you're crazy enough to commit to another Govt contract? Required.

Sea-Satisfaction4656 · 2023-12-28T15:38:22+00:00

Sex is a foundational component of any healthy, long term, adult relationship. Right there with communication, long term goals, and financial stability. It is a crucial part of compatibility. It is also an expectation in any sort of romantic relationship at your age. Those are facts.

I’m currently undergoing my own faith journey, as it is something I lost through my relationship and marriage to my stbxw. Being involved in a church and faith community in general has several benefits, especially during a time of need - you have access to an entirely different support system in that environment. That said, your faith and your relationship with the higher power you believe in is between you and them - you can hold your personal beliefs and be involved in the church community without subscribing to 100% of the church belief system. You're a grown ass adult, you have autonomy and free will. Personally, as long as you're treating others with respect and everyone involved is a consenting adult there isn't much of a moral issue.

The fact you feel like a hypocrite makes it sound like you were raised with fire and brimstone being threatened at every turn, plus being the pastor’s kid adds pressure to that. Maybe take some time to explore other faith options and find a good fit for yourself. You’ll realize pretty quickly that 90%+ of what is shared in the different Christian faiths is identical, it’s the way the message is delivered that is different. Some preach avoidance to achieve salvation via fire and brimstone, others preach forgiveness, and others preach redemption. All while reading from versions of the same book and sharing the same message.

You played by the rules, and saw first hand how that negatively impacted you. Make your own rules, live your life, embrace YOUR faith and YOUR beliefs - that’s between you and the big guy, and nobody else.

chestpubesandballfro · 2023-12-28T15:27:42+00:00

I share a similar journey, raised as a PK, rooted in faith. I waited for marriage to have sex. We were married for 22 years until her infidelity shattered me.

After a year of post-divorce healing and about 30ish one night stands, the modern dating process didn’t sit right.

So i went backwards, focusing on the spiritual side of a partner. Rediscovering my faith, in the process I met an incredible woman.

Now, after a year of dating, I plan to propose on New Year's Eve. We are cherishing our commitment to wait until marriage for sex. No regrets in this new chapter.

Mr_vmn005 · 2023-12-28T14:24:40+00:00

Sexual compatibility is crucial in any relationship for me, but it's important not to solely base love on physical aspects. My current partner and I have known each other since 9th grade, dated briefly after high school, and then spent about 12-13 years apart before deciding to pursue a long-distance relationship. We fell in love on a deeper, more intimate level. When we finally reunited and had our first sexual experience, it was amazing – we're incredibly sexually compatible. It's reassuring because our compatibility extends beyond just physical aspects. In relationships, it's vital to avoid falling in love solely based on the physical side; a well-balanced connection goes beyond just sex.

Find what works for you man, but also focus on yourself and be prepared for a relationship don’t just jump into the first thing !

ready_4_the_mayans · 2023-12-28T14:08:36+00:00

Fix yourself first my dude. Gonna be tough on you here for a minute - others mentioned gym, travel, etc, and you shot each one down for one reason or another. Dont allow excuses, or anything, to hold you back. I worked out for several months with a torn shoulder, finding a way around it. I lifted the morning of my shoulder surgery (my doc loved it). The day I was allowed to start physical therapy and rehab I was on it 2x per day (rather than the 2-3x per week minimum) and rebounded quickly. You can find ways to workout. You can travel cheap. You can find hobbies, friends, hike, volunteer. Get a group around you, get your confidence up, get healthier, get your own mojo going.

Then, and only then, casually date. Enjoy it, meet people, no expectations, no rush. It's not a race and it's not the end of the world if you don't meet anyone. Too many guys try too hard and it works against them.

Unless you are dead set on it, don't marry again. Second time around has something like a 75-80% failure rate. Other than taxes and religion there are zero benefits to it, and all the risk falls on the men. Find someone you enjoy spending time with, make a great team, encourage each other in life, but don't take the risk of another alimony or losing even more. It's not worth it.

Good luck and go kick some butt, don't let anything or anyone stop you.

New-Amoeba9042 · 2023-12-28T13:18:58+00:00

I would say you don’t have sex before marriage, because the more sexual partners you have, the more divorce and infidelity rates go up. Marriage is important to the church, so such practices are preached to help ensure successful marriages. As you found out though, 5% divorce rate for virgins still means someone has to be that 5%.

If you don’t ever want to get married again, I don’t think it matters. You ‘save’ yourself for marriage to give your marriage th best odds. If no marriage, don’t worry about it. Just enjoy yourself and respect those who want to enjoy themselves with you

Spanky_WaffleSnapper · 2023-12-28T13:06:35+00:00

My best friend told his wife need marriage, ‘if we’re not compatible sexually, then it’s not gonna work’. I had a point. I couldn’t imagine marrying without sex with them first.

My family are very religious. I grew up in church. But I’m less religious.

bk2747 · 2023-12-28T08:56:31+00:00

Do not re-marry. And you said she filed after 20 years? I would imagine you’re probably in your 50s. That’s a “Gray Divorce,” and I would imagine you got hit with alimony.

Focus on recovering emotionally, physically, and financially. Your entire world should revolve around retirement, not getting into another marriage which is almost guaranteed to end in divorce.

Get your head out of the sand. Go get laid.

EnvironmentalAd3558 · 2023-12-28T06:57:02+00:00

For me sexual compatibility is important in a relationship/marriage. Of course there are many other areas that require compatibility as well. However, I would never buy a house no matter how great the other rooms were if it did not have a bathroom.

BudFox_LA · 2023-12-28T06:47:08+00:00

What sort of rule is that? Marriage is a business arrangement, dealing with community property/personal property rights, tax filing status etc. Have a lot of sex with someone pre-marriage because without sexual compatibility, the marriage will never survive; and you’ll be reminded just how businesslike marriage truly is.

Fratty_McFrat · 2023-12-28T06:34:55+00:00

I'm separated and found my stbx's profile on Upward, a Christian dating app. "Holiness matter most" she wrote. I found out that she was tested for STDs in November but I hadn't sex with her since Father's Day...

She did give me biblical grounds for divorce now, which actually makes me feel a little better about the whole thing. I'm even letting her be the petitioner even though I filed first. She knows I know and my lawyer does too. If this info got out it would not only humiliate her but could cost her the job she has teaching for a Christian school. She knows her ass is mine now.

I_Touched_Grass · 2023-12-28T06:12:09+00:00

Lol or just don't get married a second time? Why do men willingly put themselves through this bullshit again?

pumasocks · 2023-12-28T06:11:34+00:00

All the divorce recovery groups in my area are Christian based. There a days when I feel like I should start going to church again but the rule on not having sex out of marriage keeps me from going. I don't want to be a hypocrite.

Come as you are (no pun intended, sort of ;-) ). In all seriousness, go to the recovery group, go to church, don't let your sexual desires keep you from going. You don't have to "clean yourself up" first before going to church, and you don't have to agree with everything the Bible says to go. Just go, God will meet you where you're at.

I let my alcoholism keep me from church. Even when I could get out of bed to go, I was ashamed of how I might smell, whether I might be judged, or the looks I might get. It was a really bad choice, because it was God that I needed to overcome my alcohol addiction.

Regarding sex, I am 6 months separated and I have recently learned that my wife cheated. There will be no reconciliation. I won't be able to file until August, 2024 due to my state's laws. Once my divorce is completed, I plan on trying to find a Christian woman. I will certainly do my best to avoid sex, but I know that it's an area that I struggle with. Whether I'm able to or not, I know that I can always seek forgiveness and try again. No matter what though, I won't let any of my faults keep me out of church. I am a mess without God.

Issomeguy · 2023-12-28T05:45:56+00:00

Test drive before you buy. Like the other poster said, they'll end it just like that, make sure you're happy with the dive before taking it... Might be shallow

Mymindisgone217 · 2023-12-28T05:41:27+00:00

The Christian faith likes to push the idea of no sex before marriage, but with how willing people are to end a marriage, I think that doing everything that you can before getting married to see if it is something that you really want, is a smart idea to me.

rogueleader12 · 2023-12-28T05:06:26+00:00

I feel the same way. Gods rules for sex before marriage are to keep us from getting hurt emotionally and physically. After my divorce I needed to feel close so I slept with any girl that gave me attention. I soon realized that’s not what I need. I have made it a promise to myself to only be physical with partners I am serious about. I think if you stick to that principle you should be fine

autistic_cool_kid · 2023-12-28T04:56:10+00:00

If there was a god they would want you to be happy. Happy people make more people happy around them.

Duchesst · 2023-12-28T04:49:21+00:00

Why does it all have to be this black and white? Christianity does have it merits but why do people keep holding on to so much 'rules' from 2000 years ago? Using your own common sense can't be that bad can it? After all isn't that a gift given by god to be able to think for yourself?
In my opinion. Try to be a good a human being, if needed look towards the scriptures for guidance. But that's about it

Title	Sex before marriage- good or bad the second time around.
Author	AdventurousTrash1645
Upvotes	16
Comments	41
Date	December 28, 2023 4:38 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/18sl6e7/sex_before_marriage_good_or_bad_the_second_time/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/sex-before-marriage-good-or-bad-the-second-time.1241688 https://theredarchive.com/post/1241688

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