In what way would you like men to open up to you about their problems so you don't feel like their mom/therapist?

penndelnj · 2024-01-17T02:06:33+00:00

Please talk to me about the situation or problem when it happens. Don’t push it down and walk around in an angry/sad/depressed haze for months while you alternatively lash out or are quiet saying you’re “fine.”

You’re not. Please just tell me what’s up and what I need to do to assist. I’m supposed to be your partner and friend.

Purple-Poppins · 2024-01-17T01:45:03+00:00

I think the most important thing I have found is that you should ideally be at comparable places regarding emotional maturity. Long term relationships do a really good job of bringing up parts of yourself that may not be the best, and growing in a relationship with someone involves having someone who you can open up to about the things in your life you arent happy with, and together you can probe what underlies a belief or behavior and how to heal and become the people you hope to be. Its a mutual process though. You should BOTH be opening up and digging into yourselves and growing together.

I have had many relationships where the men did not even have a grasp on basic emotional literacy and were not all that interested in acquiring those skills, but rather leaning on me to interpret their emotions and provide interpretations and solutions. That left no room for me to open up safely, and the emotional support became very one sided, because I was more capable of managing emotions for both myself and him, and he was happy to leave all of that to me because it was too uncomfortable for him.

If its one sided, you end up feeling like a therapist, but if its mutual it is a great part of a relationship

EulenWatcher · 2024-01-17T01:44:42+00:00

I'm fine with men in my life talking to me about their problems. They talk to me about their every day problems, some small or big annoyance etc. They also can share deep traumas or problems. It's fine and I support them doing so. I know they'll listen to me when/if I need it too.

I think it can become a problem if/when a person can't self-regulate and they pour all their worries and problems on others or when they have issues requiring professional help, but they refuse to seek it. Your partner or your friends can't deal with your depressive episode, they can and should be there for you, but they aren't therapists and they can't realistically provide all the help you need. It also can be a problem when a person is complaining about the same thing over and over again without actually doing anything about their problem, so it feels like they're just wasting their and your time. I.e. a woman is complaining about her cheating partner, but she doesn't leave him, she just turns every conversation to her shitty relationship.

Feeling like you're their mother is more about having to do chores, managing and micromanaging for your partner without them even realizing how heavily they rely on you to just live their life unbothered. I.e. you're the one doing and keeping an eye on groceries, the one planning and cooking for a few days in advance so everyone would have something to eat, you do necessary preparations for his mother's visit etc.

Safinated · 2024-01-17T00:58:24+00:00

I don’t know, I’ve never had an issue with either emotional constipation or diarrhea with any men in my life

Just with them trying to fuck me after I listened to their problems

januaryphilosopher · 2024-01-17T06:56:04+00:00

I don't want to be the only person anyone talks to and I would like the level to be appropriate to our relationship. If you're a random acquaintance I've met a couple of times, I'm not listening to you whine about your ex for an hour (true story). Do not scream or shout or hit things or otherwise engage in intimidating behaviour if you're expecting sympathy (do it on your own if needed). In general, only come to me expecting the kind of support you would give in return (although it's likely not to be needed, I don't talk about any of it much). And don't expect anything out of me you wouldn't of a man in this regard, you will be disappointed.

toasterchild · 2024-01-17T14:24:22+00:00

I want someone who can express to me when something is bugging him without stuffing it down and pretending it doesn't exist. Eventually, that shit always backfires so its like I'm dating a lie.

What I don't want is someone who is bothered by everything and sees only the negatives in the world. People like this drag you down down down until you are sucked in and miserable with them.

There is a whole world in the middle where most people live, i want to be with those people.

AriesProductions · 2024-01-17T01:47:08+00:00

First, no trauma dumping. If we’re not close friends or partners, I’m not qualified to be even your “shoulder to cry on”.

If we are close friends or partners, try to be clear on what you’re looking for. Do you want me to just listen, or do you want suggestions on how to “fix” a problem? Then, if after some time of venting or problem solving it’s not helping, understand that if I say it’s time for therapy, that’s not me wiping my hands or you - that’s me saying you need more help than just I can give. I’ll still support you & listen and help you hash things out, but you can’t complain about something for months/years with no improvement. Sometimes the professionals have to get involved.

-Shes-A-Carnival · 2024-01-17T01:34:51+00:00

i dont want anyone to open up to me about their "problems", please close back up everyone. to be clear what i mean here is whiny loser woe is me things, not "i need to find a new job" or "my mom is sick", real problems. im not here to listen to anyone feel sorry for themsleves

AutoModerator · 2024-01-16T16:27:27+00:00

Attention!

You can post off topic/jokes/puns as a comment to this Automoderator message.
For "Debate" and "Question for X" Threads: Parent comments that aren't from the target group will be removed, along with their child replies.
If you want to agree with OP instead of challenging their view or if the question is not targeted at you, post it as an answer to this comment.
OP you can choose your own flair according to these guidelines., just press Flair under your post!

Thanks for your cooperation and enjoy the discussion!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

AngeCruelle · 2024-01-17T07:36:53+00:00

I'm not a licensed therapist and I'm certainly not his mother so I'm not particularly concerned about feeling like it.

Obvious_Smoke3633 · 2024-01-19T19:38:24+00:00

Don't wait until a woman brings up an issue to start bringing up all your issues. It's a cop out. If a woman is like "hey what you said last night really hurt my feelings, and I want to talk about it," don't respond with all the stuff she's ever done to upset you.

87AudreyHorne · 2024-01-17T08:29:35+00:00

I am not sure if people exaggerate these things online or if Americans are just very different this way in general, but all the men I ever knew always opened up to me about things and talk about things just as much as women do. Some people have temperaments that like to dwell more and like to complain, some like to approach it as an analysis, some are more emotional, but I really see no gender difference.

Overall the way I like to talk about problems the most is in a form of analytical conversations over a beverage, like "these are the events, let's nitpick, lets analyze everything etc", I like to ask questions to get a better idea, in fact I personally like to feel like a "therapist" (as in, I enjoy dissecting problems). I think I am good at asking questions that guide a good introspection and help he person I'm talking to analyze their own thought process

If the situation is just very emotional then let's drink together, listen to some music, let it all out type of thing.

Makuta_Servaela · 2024-01-17T13:21:19+00:00

I would like for him to have a therapist. And be taking that therapy seriously.

As long as he has a healthy outlet for that sort of thing, then whatever he talks about to me will just be explaining his behaviour, not outletting his thoughts.

As for how early to tell me deep things, I would say that early on he should tell me things that will consistently directly affect me, so I can plan to work with them or decide if I can't handle them. Later on, maybe after a few months or a year, he can tell me things that are important but don't directly affect me.

Early_Inspector988 · 2024-01-17T16:17:09+00:00

It's less about not wanting men to open up to me - I do want that, and it's one of the things I love about my partner, his emotional expectations. He expects me to support him as I expect him to support me. However - he doesn't expect me to fix the issues he's having for me, which is the big difference. He expects me to listen to him or to work with him to solve it if necessary.

Title	In what way would you like men to open up to you about their problems so you don't feel like their mom/therapist?
Author	nonplussedminus
Upvotes	11
Comments	76
Date	January 16, 2024 4:27 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1986xhv/in_what_way_would_you_like_men_to_open_up_to_you/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/in-what-way-would-you-like-men-to-open-up-to-you.1243168 https://theredarchive.com/post/1243168

Comments