Need Advice. The more girls I hook up with the more I miss my ex.

RProgrammerMan · 2022-10-21T03:04:26+00:00

A psychologist I follow claims we can become obsessive over someone if we are not getting enough feel good chemicals when we connect with friends and family. Not having close family relationships makes us vulnerable to obsessing over someone because we think we finally found a way to get those good feelings. Maybe you are using this person as a replacement for close relationships with friends and family?

DanyalZ · 2022-10-21T01:32:22+00:00

Hooking up with those girls made things worse because you didn’t actually like those girls and deep down inside you’re looking for a relationship because you miss your ex. But eventually you will get over it. My advice is stop trying to get over it and just let it happen naturally.

PeterWritesEmails · 2022-10-21T01:23:20+00:00

The more girls I hook up with the more I miss my ex.

Isn't the answer obvious?

start hooking up with guys

damiandarko2 · 2022-10-21T03:08:08+00:00

talking w girls laughing going on dates smashing and then they leave is always kinda…empty feeling..couple that w you missing actual intimacy w someone specific and there’s your answer

GutsiestSoul · 2022-10-21T05:08:49+00:00

Man I’ve been through/going through something similar. Summer 2020 me and my ex bro up. It sent me into a tail spin.

Deep down, I knew she probably wasn’t the girl for me, but there was just something about our time together. It felt so right and I felt so happy with her. She was beautiful, sex was great and we laughed a lot. Then with lockdown/covid shit just went downhill so quickly and we broke up. Like you, I initiated the break up.

It feels like just over 2 years later I’m finally getting over her. Here’s some things that helped me.

Sit with the pain. This is about you. Not her. You’ve created her to be something she’s not because you felt loved/connection from her. You need to find that love/connection within yourself. I know how I did that (a ton of journaling, crying, processing past trauma, psychedelics, reconnecting with family) but how you’ll do that will probably be different. But find love/completeness within yourself.
Don’t date other girls. Just don’t. I did for the first year after the break up but realised until I figured my own shit out, I’d just be comparing. It wasn’t helping me and it wasn’t fair on them. I even remember having sex with one girl thinking about my ex. Bad times man 😬
Reconnect with your family. I realised that I had to go back in time to figure out what was missing in me that I thought my ex gave me. It was a solid foundation of love. I’d left my childhood town to go to live in a big city for 10 years. I enjoyed my time, but it didn’t have the love of my family. I moved back last year and reconnected with my mom, brother (and his kids), sister (and her kids). It’s been amazing man. Really helped me see what’s important in life.
Write her a shit ton of letters (or use the notes app). Anything and everything you’d want to say to her. Continually pour your heart out. Write daily if you need to. Then delete/burn the letters. You’ll see over time that what you write loses sentiment. You even kind of start to bore yourself. You realise (or I did at least) that I’m giving all this energy to someone who doesn’t feel the same way about me. No judgement on her she’s doing the best for herself. Why aren’t I? That question begins to get stronger the more you allow yourself to miss them and write. Kinda gross but the writing is sort of like draining a big old abscess or spot (zit if you’re American). The more you write the more you get those feelings out of you - but don’t rush it. Allow yourself as much time as you need.
Just be kind to yourself man. You haven’t done anything wrong. You just crossed paths with someone at some point in your life who ended up meaning a lot to you. You met her for a reason and from the meeting you’ll end up discovering more about yourself. It might not feel like it, but she was a blessing even if you wasn’t your forever girl. I don’t believe in “the one that got away.” She came in your life for a reason and that reason is developing in front of your eyes rn. To ask more questions about yourself, and to find those answers. She’s setting you up for an even deeper love and connection with your next girl.

TheRightAngle90 · 2022-10-21T02:30:29+00:00

Have you tried looking for a long-term relationship?

alphaonthecomeup · 2022-10-21T03:40:12+00:00

Yo I hear you on the missing your ex thing. It’s been almost 3 years for me. I miss her a lot from time to time. I haven’t found anyone that could take her place tbh. But the thing that helps me is I did my best to get back together. I have no regrets and that’s what helps me. You sent a message , no response, it sucks but you did your part. You won’t have to think what if I reached out , would things be different.

Keep doing what you’re doing. Let yourself feel the pain for a bit but then get back to work. Vent to your closest homie and get it out when those paper cuts show up but then keep it moving. Write letters of what you would say to her if she was in your life or write fuxk you letters and then put that shit away.

If you’re young, you got your whole life ahead of you.

My ex reached out to me a couple months ago and I didn’t respond, because I felt like she picked someone over me when I tried to plan a meet up with her and that just showed me she isn’t my girl anymore. If she can do that now, then what will she do in the future. I can’t trust her with my heart anymore. We have a long story of trying to get back tg but always failing in the end. Shit was toxic. Not healthy tbh, but I have no regret. I did my best with what was given to me. She MAY have regret. That’s on her though. There’s not much I can do. We are both probably gonna go down in each other’s history books as the one that got away. It’s life.

Try to emotionally invest in a girl you like seeing n that may take your mind off it. Ask her some questions, thr good kind where ppl open up.

Anyways peace man good luck

PondScum420 · 2022-10-21T03:44:38+00:00

If two years have passed I doubt it’s about her anymore. It’s about something else. Some part of you that doesn’t feel fulfilled. Sex isn’t hard to obtain anymore so it’s lost a lot of it’s zeal and allure. Maybe you want someone to make you feel heard and understood. Maybe some other part of your life is deeply unsatisfying, maybe your ex has just become an easy scapegoat.

Reflect, introvert a bit, ask yourself what do you really want out of this life.

Everest31 · 2022-10-21T03:06:55+00:00

[deleted]

jessiepc145 · 2022-10-21T03:32:36+00:00

Hookup with dudes for negative effect

2022-10-21T04:02:55+00:00

This subreddit doesn’t have to be about mindless sex with women. Forget about the ex, but you aren’t a criminal for missing your ex either. start having meaningful relationships with women and use the skills from this subreddit to increase the quality of women you date.

dark-_-thoughts · 2022-10-21T05:20:24+00:00

Bro you probably miss being in a relationship. Stop hooking up. You're obviously not designed for it. Find someone to actually date

JehovasFinesse · 2022-10-21T03:52:07+00:00

You need some serotonin hits. Reconnect with stuff you’re passionate about, reach out to your friends who make you feel about yourself and hang out with them so you can start reconnecting with people emotionally again, try being vulnerable with one of your hookups- reveal some things and have her reveal stuff too. Start slow, it’s like retraining your brain after an injury. Delete her contact info from everywhere, scorched earth policy so you’re tempted less. Therapy always helps. Talking with close friends about it helps more. Not all, choose 1 or 2 friends for the heart to heart.

searchfgold6789 · 2022-10-21T02:29:19+00:00

Need more info. How and why did you break up? What was the nature of your relationship, e.g. what needs did you fulfill for each other? How did you cope with the initial trauma?

2022-10-21T03:55:03+00:00

idk why this happens.

To think about:

- I don't believe it's "love" because after two years you can't possibly have enough chemistry to claim it's love.

- It may be some sort of "she can fix me feelings" or some feelings of life isn't complete without her. Or some other separation anxiety of some sort.

- She somehow triggered an anxious attachment style in you

- Possibly its a pair bonding thing that your brain just decides this person is special

If none of that is helpful, what will work is this, but it MUST be done correctly:

Find the core of what you want from her. It should be expressed with zero neediness, 100% honesty with no fear of rejection. To figure out what this is - open up a word document and start writing her letters. Don't send them or anything, but write down everything you want to tell her. Save it and write another one. Keep doing this until you run out of things to say. Then take and edit until you can summarize it into a short paragraph - 3-5 sentences. If you can get it right and express yourself in a way where you can be 100% honest and open without preaching or being needy, it'll work. It may take time, but if she still has any feelings for you, it'll work.

ice_jj · 2022-10-21T04:05:23+00:00

I know people say to hookup with new people to get over a breakup. I kind of disagree. You got to focus on healing 100% from the breakup before you even start to consider new people. Because your heart isn’t in the right place now. You’ll just keep making the same mistakes over and over until you learn.

Take time to heal and focus on yourself first. Forget your ex, the only one you should be loving is yourself. You might be looking for a relationship instead of a hookup. If so, you need to fix yourself first. Because you won’t be handle a new relationship if you’re not 100% healed.

bigbootynijja · 2022-10-21T04:07:27+00:00

Hoping I’ll find… a GLIIIIMMMMMPSE OF UUUUUUUS

Tron_1981 · 2022-10-21T04:15:43+00:00

Sounds like you need to take a break from dating for a while.

Also therapy.

JNR481 · 2022-10-21T04:31:27+00:00

Some people recover in a week, others take years. You went through a breakup and it hurts. The main ally in your fight is time. Time will get you over this slump.

Keep doing you though, just don't expect it to be the band-aid to your pain right away. Accept your pain, and little by little you'll get over her. You have to cut contact. That means deleting her number and name from your phone. Have a friend you text when you get the urge to text her. Delete her from all social media and resist the urge to look her up if you haven't already.

It's counter intuitive but you focusing on you and working towards your professional goals will help you, even if this pain is preventing you from focusing on them.

Good luck.

ErdaiZhen · 2022-10-21T07:01:25+00:00

You need some purpose of life?

puma085 · 2022-10-21T08:52:44+00:00

I can and cannot relate to your problem at the same. I am not over my ex as well and want her back although I know it is a lost cause. That's also the reason why I have not bothered her again since the breakup. I can just let it slide and hope eventually the feelings will fade away.

Now to the point I cannot relate with. Unlike you, I did not have a single sexual interaction with another woman since the break up so I cannot tell if some hookups would help me to get over it or not. I could also just make things worse as it happened to you.

But I am willing to risk it due to my horny state. The only problem is that I am not sure how n older guy like myself (I am 37) could find some ladies willing to hook up with n old dude. I have not found an answer to the question.

Just doing it like you are still in your 20s and hanging around in clubs and bars would be n option but sounds lame. but maybe I try it nonetheless.

Anyway, I wish you all the best and hope you can over it. You could also try to find a new purpose in your life. Finding a new hobby or something like that has nothing to do with girls. A hobby you enjoy doing that fills up your whole free time and prevents you from thinking about your ex?

TheLordofAskReddit · 2022-10-21T01:38:27+00:00

Therapy

2022-10-21T03:35:19+00:00

Sounds like you guys had something real. I’ve kind of been going through something similar but not as extreme in your case. Broke up with gf because things were falling apart long distance, I wasn’t sure about long term compatibility in some regards. That was a year ago, have banged like 10 chicks, some I kept around for a bit. Still miss her a bit and think about her a ton. To be fair though most of them have been pretty mid quality, I need to work on myself and quit fucking around

motherseffinjones · 2022-10-21T03:46:00+00:00

See psychologist, there is nothing wrong with seeking mental health services; that’s is if you can afford it

2022-10-21T03:46:29+00:00

Drugs? Sex addiction? Are you really letting a girl you're no longer with causing you to harm yourself? You do know you're hurting yourself emotionally and physically right. What more do you need to wake you up? Do me a favour look in the mirror and ask yourself something Because going down a dark path is going take you a while to see the light. Inhale and exhale...when was the last time you went for some fresh air? Do a full annual physical. Join a yoga class, do some sports activities for 30 days... do a sex withdrawal for 3-6 months. Try to get that motivation to pursue that new career. Listen to motivational podcasts. You mean to tell none of your friends can't slap you to wake you up or try to help you stop wasting your life away. Life is full of ups and downs. You're chasing down pussy like it's going to be extinct.

mabden · 2022-10-21T03:48:04+00:00

Couple of things.

You may be suffering from Oneitis over your ex. Comparing these other girls to your ex is a sign. Understand what it is and how to kill it.

Back in my day, the common theory after a breakup (and a way to kill Oneitis) was fuck ten other chicks. Never really thought this was a universal cure all as what your experiencing is the non emotional aspect of hooking up with random pickups. The sex is good, but great sex is always with an emotional connection.

I went through a horrible breakup with a girl I was with for over a year. She was a great girl, but wasn't meant to be and it fucked with my head more than I wanted to admit. Right or wrong I accepted that I fucked up the relationship and there was no going back.

I went through a period where I would fuck any girl who would look my way. It was the emptiest I ever felt. I decided to stop chasing, moved back to my home town, got a good job, went to night school, rebuilt a couple of cars on the side, reconnected with friends, and let things happen as they happened.

One day this girls I knew from school popped into my life. I am still with her.

Digitalidentity · 2022-10-21T04:44:48+00:00

Hooking up with people can be a bit different from the standardized "dating". You need to try dating women you're into but keeping sex on hold for a good while. That period , known as The Conquest, will give your heart and mind the chance to fantasize about another person who isn't your ex. Having your sexual needs constantly met keeps your mind from fantasizing, but not your heart from longing. Love can also come from family and long-time friendships. Still, my recommendation is definitely to give dating a chance without the sex. You'll be surprised what you find yourself longing for when you starve yourself from a few immediate pleasures.

CanUnusual8729 · 2022-10-21T04:47:33+00:00

I went through this exact thing not long ago. What it took for me to finally get over her was to just sit back and observe the state she left me in. In order to miss her you have maintained some idea of her being special, for you, worthy of your affection. But where is she? You’re in pieces and the divine entity that you’re dying to be close to is 100% okay with never seeing you again. It took me a while to wrap my head around that but it’s true. Is that really her? Is she really that girl? Are you sure? I bet if you could be a fly on the wall and see what she was up to right now. Hooking up with some dude you don’t respect, acting sloppy drunk (its funny how much less poised and sophisticated they are when you see them through clear eyes.) As my emotional veil lifted, I started to realize this girl I was so in love with was A.) Not THAT hot, B.) A whore that I wouldn’t look twice at if I had ran into her as a stranger. C.) Actually really not that good of person, and not really remorseful for anything. We don’t want to see that because the thought that your special unicorn is evading you is still more comforting than the thought that there never was one, and you were under some stranger biological delusion. Pick your poison, they both suck.

Same girl called me out of the blue a couple weeks ago. And for the first time ever I just felt contempt for how arrogant she was, thinking I would just be waiting like a lapdog. For the first time ever with her I spoke to her like any other human that I genuinely do not like. Flat, disgusted, direct. I said some mean shit, meant it, and blocked her. The End (:

distawest · 2022-10-21T05:54:26+00:00

My friend, you need your time, some traumas are hard to heal

On the other hand I would suggest professional help, you seem to have issues underneath

Dirty_Bong_Water2020 · 2022-10-21T06:50:49+00:00

Take your time away from hookup culture and focus on you and the people you love for a while. If you know you don’t feel any connection or even attachment to these people then it’s best to just focus on you.

Then through time you’ll find someone and build a relationship with them when sex isn’t there then maybe you’ll develop feelings mentally and a relationship can start from there.

I tried legit everything to get over my ex even hookups but to me I hated it and it just wasn’t what I was looking for.

So I just focused on me and the people I loved then boom after enough time I realized I was completely okay and I wasn’t crying in a field anymore every night by myself.

Also it helps to be able to talk about it and have support around you for when you feel down about it because they can help you see your worth again even if you can’t see it.

Because I know my confidence and self esteem was absolutely shattered for a good while and I’m slowly getting it back.

rv404674 · 2022-10-21T10:25:22+00:00

Out of the context comment. Maybe try working out. It will make you feel good afterwards and also you will be really tired.

Will fall asleep as well. I think this can take your mind off from her.

What do you think?

burncushlikewood · 2022-10-21T02:30:51+00:00

The one that got away hey? What was it that was so special about her, maybe if you can isolate this then you can look towards finding someone that has similar qualities. Was it the conversation, was it the sex, was it the emotions and the way you feel around her. Anyways keep trekking man the more women you hook up with the more you'll be able to find someone whos better than her

AK1010 · 2022-10-21T01:42:32+00:00

Bro stop being a bitch ass and let her go, focus on the present don't live in the past lol

Disney_Princess137 · 2022-10-21T03:22:59+00:00

Hey man I feel ya. The unrequited love is a BITCH!

it’s possible you are missing the solid union you had, and you haven’t found it ever since. Stop filling in your time with extra girls, because you might end up hurting someone. And I don’t think you’d want that.

Right now you have to feel this pain, but it will lessen and you WILL Meet someone you feel is quality for a relationship.

Just because she didn’t respond immediately, doesn’t mean she won’t respond though. Sometimes people take a while and gather their thoughts before they write back.

We really don’t know the reason she didn’t respond, maybe the text upset her man or something. So you are forced to find the things to tell yourself to lessen the pain of the rejection.

What was the reason for the break up?

Chad_Thundermember · 2022-10-21T06:03:11+00:00

Okay, second comment of mine in this same post. This time, I read the entire post. It's worse than I thought.

OP, forget about her and move on. If not, you're hopeless.

Maybe I'm being harsh because I am used to Stoic philosophy values or something, but this kind of shit is peak pussy behavior.

M00Nthatspellsmoon · 2022-10-21T01:42:00+00:00

You reached out to her and she blew you off. Get over it and move on. There’s absolutely nothing you can do. The relationship is over.

No-Historian-6391 · 2022-10-21T12:30:05+00:00

Maybe you’re gay

DillonDockery · 2022-10-21T03:46:01+00:00

Stop being a bitch

alent3976 · 2022-10-21T04:29:03+00:00

For me, getting together with your boys couple times a week and laughing and making memories always made life 10x better.

Charming_Rush_658 · 2022-10-21T04:56:50+00:00

I feel for you brother.. I have been there. Keep your head up and work on yourself and let it happen….

luroot · 2022-10-21T05:27:01+00:00

I'm guessing your ex broke up with you and you wanted more out of her?

Usually, you obsess over an ex you have unfinished business with. Although in reality, if you were meant to finish whatever business that was, you would have...

Chad_Thundermember · 2022-10-21T05:46:25+00:00

Listen buddy (OP) I'm not even gonna read your post in its entirety. All I can say is snap the heck out of it. Snap the heck out of it. Stop obsessing over some girl. Learn to hate her if you have to. No woman is ever truly an angel. Knock. It. Off. The more you dwell on thoughts of her, the more fucked you're gonna be and the more prone you are to stalkerish behavior.

fucknproblm76 · 2022-10-21T05:57:31+00:00

Get a good therapist my man it helps

And I totally get the missing your ex thing, kind of in the same boat

But like, disconnecting my heart and brain, and only listening to my brain because my heart ain't for fucking thinking, or planning my life lol

MorePower1337 · 2022-10-21T06:49:25+00:00

You're not meditating properly if it isn't working. Simple as

2022-10-21T08:17:10+00:00

Romantic addiction is a real thing.

I currently gone through something similar, I was really infatuated with someone I met, and after we broke, I started going onto tinder and the more I swipped the more pain I felt.

Take some time for you, to understand what went wrong, read a lot of relationship books, this is what helped me, eventually I grew into being a better person, and I know my next relationship will be x100 times better now that I took the time to have the experience and look back, understand whta went wrong, and never do it again, but the polar opposite instead

harmonic- · 2022-10-21T09:18:31+00:00

a lot of nice supportive comments (and a lot of toxic ones). I'll echo the people that say it's normal to miss your ex; I'm almost a year into a very serious break-up and I think about it probably every day still. that doesn't mean I don't live my life; it doesn't mean I think my ex and I should get back together.

it simply means i care about my ex and might always love her in some shape or form, even if we don't get back together, even if she doesn't feel the same way. I also think things like this shift when new people come and take the space in our heart. for some people this happens really quickly, for others it takes awhile.

my best advice is just to be honest with yourself about your feelings and accept them unconditionally. it doesn't mean you need to follow them blindly and start spamming your ex with texts, but if you really feel like you need to say something, give yourself space to explore that.

GL mate

marowitt · 2022-10-21T09:18:58+00:00

Your problem isn't actually finding someone new it's that you need to stop thinking about her.

Have you tried to train yourself not to? Get an elastic band around your wrist, every time you think of her use the band to pinch yourself.
This will teach your brain that, thinking about her = physical discomfort.

It's a hack, not an actual solution but it will stop you from thinking about her.
It sounds like thinking about her has become such a common thing that it is now a habit more than anything else. Treat it like any bad habit.

Scottishdutchess · 2022-10-21T09:36:50+00:00

Try monking out for awhile. Sounds like you need time to process the relationship and grow within. As you know, casual hookups can be quite dehumanizing at times, so I'd limit that too.

Amikatey · 2022-10-21T09:37:40+00:00

Dont think of anything good you shared with her, if you catch yourself doing so, deflect the good with the reason for breakup and all the bad things you know of her and also remember she doesn't even love you to earn your love. And remember to extract the love you have for her and give some to yourself and some to one of the girls your already seeing, or devide the emotions for the both of them it's not going to be instant but it will soon grow on one of those girls. It's hard man. But with consistency it works. We got your back man.

Altec5499 · 2022-10-21T10:09:00+00:00

Do you still have her phone number? Are you still following her on social media? You need to unfollow and delete everything.

Next, stop chasing short term pleasure. Look for women you have an internal connection with… this will fix your problem. Meaningless sex will leave you empty and wanting more

MiseryLovesMisery · 2022-10-21T10:33:15+00:00

Oh I hate this feeling so much. It's like the more you try to get away from the memories the more you're haunted and every body that you're laying next to now becomes that person and you just end up looking for them inside or other people.

bigplaneboeing737 · 2022-10-21T11:06:53+00:00

I know the feeling. Took me 4 years before I was finally able to let go.

glass_brownies · 2022-10-21T12:28:53+00:00

It seems like you're just avoiding the inevitable hurt that comes with something you've once desired , coming to an end. Stop replacing sex with rando's with your inner need to move on. That's some tough inside work you have to do.

ProperGloom · 2022-10-21T12:35:09+00:00

Stop sleeping around to get over it, you lust gor these girls but in your soul you crave the comfort and love you got from that relationship. Each time you hook up with these girls it makes you realise.

patribsey · 2022-10-21T13:14:15+00:00

I went through exactly the same thing - only thing is it lasted TEN YEARS with me! And the relationship had only lasted 6 months. So I know how you feel and then some.

I ploughed my way through women, booze, drugs, meditation, self-help addiction, trying all sorts of new things, I went travelling, took up tai chi and yoga, exercise, weights, ran marathons, I did standup comedy and public speaking, I developed all sorts of skills and got so good at cold-approaching women that I ended up teaching it and transformed the lives of dozens of shy men.

Yet, always at the bottom - a deep emptiness without her. I had some good times - don't get me wrong - but always a deep sadness that came to me in the silence - that she had moved on with her life, bitter that I know she's not sitting thinking about me. Waves of nostalgia and deep sadness, a pain in the gut.

And so it went for a very long time, until - through therapy - I learned that nothing I could possibly do could ever replace what I had. It was my first big love (in my mid-20s!) and I had reacted immediately to it by going into action, I would achieve my way out of heartbreak - make my life and myself amazing so she would realise what she had lost.

But here was the thing - I had never taken the time to grieve the loss of this relationship and numbing myself would never make it go away - just cover up the pain. So eventually I realised that there was a part of me - an abandoned child - who wanted to be heard because what this was all about was being abandoned by my first real experience of being adored (we'd had a very intense and short relationship). When the grief came it came intensely - it was one day when I was cycling along and all the therapy I'd had allowed it to come out and I broke down sobbing in the middle of a big park for a long time, wondering when it would end. And it did. So in the end it turned out it didn't have much to do with her - just that in her presence I felt adored and accepted in a way that I would never love or accept myself.

You'll know when you're emotionally healthy because you won't need anyone like this. You love and accept yourself unconditionally so another person doesn't have to do it for you.

So with my ten years over your two, I'll give this advice:

They say that time is a great healer. Well, it's true, but there's a big caveat. The answer to your grief lies within, not without. What you really need is a therapist to uncover, hear and reintegrate that part of you that won't let it go. If you don't do that, this feeling will just go on, and on, and on, and on, and on....

Good luck and god bless

patribsey · 2022-10-21T15:26:25+00:00

why was this removed by mods?

Title	Need Advice. The more girls I hook up with the more I miss my ex.
Author	DanyalZ
Upvotes	212
Comments	102
Date	October 21, 2022 1:15 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/y9frjo/need_advice_the_more_girls_i_hook_up_with_the/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/need-advice-the-more-girls-i-hook-up-with-the-more.1248024 https://theredarchive.com/post/1248024

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