My main fear in approaching women is having a dull conversation/running out of things to say.

tamedame · 2012-04-17T16:02:01+00:00

I have the same issue... but think of it this way. Who cares if it's awkward? Like, what's going to happen to you? So you had an awkward conversation with a girl, BIG DEAL. You think she remembers an awkward convo?

WORST case scenario:

After one of you leaves, she goes "well that was awkward", and immediately forgets about it. Don't be so god damn vain to think she will be thinking of YOUR oh so special awkward conversation all day. Guaranteed if she's a pretty girl, she has so many of them, and worst case scenario you are GASP lumped in as a normal guy. Worst case scenario, you're normal.

Best case scenario You two kick it off, have a great convo, start seeing each other, and date/bang/whatever.

Analogy to really drive in the point:

Let's say there was an investment you wanted to buy, and you were GUARANTEED that it could not go below the normal value of which you bought it for. However there is a chance it will really take off, and earn you a shitload. You'd be stupid not to buy it.

Same thing. You risk being a normal guy... you have everything to gain. No fucking brainer. I'M GETTING MYSELF SO PUMPED RIGHT NOW.

Oh and protip: I am friends with a lot of cute girls... Guess what? They're human too, if a guy comes up and talk to them, and it's awkward, often times they'll tell me "Ugh, I'm so awkward!" They have the same fears dude.

V4refugee · 2012-04-17T17:16:04+00:00

Trust me... they are just as boring as you are, and when you finally get good at conversation, you won't be afraid of boring them anymore. You'll be afraid that this girl is going to bore you.

therealxris · 2012-04-17T15:54:15+00:00

Conversation threading.

Don't come up with a bullet list of topics and try to run down them.. just let the conversation flow and work with it. If you can't think of something to say after "Hi", pick an interesting object on the wall and mention how interesting it is and why.

And, if you get to a lull, think back on some topic that was brought up but not explored and lead with "So.. you said you <do whatever>. That must be <adjective>... tell me about it" or something like that.

PublicStranger · 2012-04-17T17:20:12+00:00

I'm a girl who loves the company of people I can just be quiet with or have a short conversation with. It gets really uncomfortable for me when a guy tries to constantly fill in any gap in conversation. But if he's comfortable with silence, I pick up on that and am comfortable, too. He has no need to feel like he has to entertain me.

When people talk about the importance of being confident, this is what they're getting at. Confidence level is infectious; if you're confident and comfortable with a girl, it will boost her own confidence and comfort when she's with you. But if you feel awkward with her, she's also likely to feel awkward. Awkwardness and confidence have nothing to do with what you say and everything to do with your demeanor.

Stop worrying about what you're going to say. Take a deep breath and relax.

NULLACCOUNT · 2012-04-17T15:57:53+00:00

That's the great thing about strangers, if it gets awkward or you embarrass yourself, you never have to see them again.

I'm much more worried about people (not a member of this community, this advice applies to meeting all sorts of people, not just women) I will have to see on a regular basis.

Edit: Also, some advice I have heard is to pretend you are a spy trying to gather as much intelligence as possible. I haven't actually done this, but people love to talk about themselves. If it gets awkward just ask any question about them you can think of.

sithyiscool · 2012-04-17T16:20:39+00:00

This is what I've learned:

When you are worried you will have nothing to say: your brain shuts down and you wont have anything to say. And more accurately, you do have something to say, and its "I don't have anything to say" bc that's what your brain is focused on.

Shit, during my first few approaches of the night I might be stuck in this mentally and yes, it is sometimes awkward. Oh well fuck it, you can leave and never see them again.

However, sometimes the girl is very open and helps a lot, so you get a partner to keep the convo moving.

Tyler Durden says when he approaches a woman he clears his head (doesn't think about what to say, that it will be awkward etc). He only has 3 thoughts : Lets expand the party, Let's see if she is cool, Let's ask her a question.

This is also why being I have state is helpful, you aren't thinking, you are acting, being in the moment. Alcohol can also help because it shuts down some thinking areas of your brain and you act in the moment. However, you can learn to be mindfully awake without state or drugs, it just can be difficult when starting (definitely still struggle with this)

It might be helpful to practice meditation or mindfulnes. Basically go to a calm place and see how long you can think about nothing (NO internal dialog). Maybe it takes you 2 seconds before you start thinking about thinking, or the car that passed etc. But keep trying. I like to turn my attention to my senses. Breathing. Vision. Hearing. feeling my body, the wind. Taste. The purpose is to let the waves settle so you can see below the water's surface.

IAmTheOmNom · 2012-04-17T16:24:02+00:00

My technique is to ask some basic 'getting to know you' questions like if she's in school or not, what she's taking, etc. While she's blandly explaining what she does to me, I'm taking the opportunity to notice everything about her - earrings, rings, freckles, clothing, nails, tattoos, and I'm especially watchful for little quirks she may have while she's talking... maybe elaborate hand gestures or a nose that crinkles when her mouth moves. As soon as I notice something interesting or cute, for example, the way her lip curls up when she talks, I cut her off and comment on that. Maybe light teasing but always complimentary. Everything is instantly more fun because she can tell you're really paying attention to and noticing her. Plus there's a strong contrast from the typical boring convo we we just having about work/school/blah blah to the sudden sharp focus on her. This usually really gets their attention. As we talk about that for a bit I'll interrupt her again with another topic change - not rudely, more like an expression of interest at something she's just said, and repeat this over and over taking every opportunity to tease or make jokes along the way. The beauty is that as the conversation continues I have about 4 or 5 topics to return to if an awkward silence comes up i.e., 'so tell me more about..."

And if you're worried about being boring, it helps to remember that everyone's favorite topic is themselves. As long as you're focused on them (and not stuck in your own head), they're probably going to have a great time.

10NOs1YesMeansYes · 2012-04-17T17:32:20+00:00

This was and still is a big fear I have, but recently any time the awkward pause would come up and I would laugh, and usually the girl asks what I'm laughing at so I just tell her, it's funny how the awkward pause always shows up and we start talking about it and bam another conversation started.

2012-04-17T16:03:05+00:00

Be comfortable in the silence, smile at her and look into her eyes or something. Its only awkward if you make it that way.

I learned this one recently. I went on a date with a girl I was really interested in, we had silences, I thought they were awkward... I mentioned it to her a couple days later over text, I said something like "We should go out again, I had a great time and we didn't even get past the awkward silences!" She had no idea what I was talking about. Awkward is all in your head. Just be comfortable.

Babayaga20000 · 2012-04-17T15:34:37+00:00

I would like to see this question answered as well because I often have the same fear

Vok250 · 2012-04-17T16:53:10+00:00

I don't have any fear. I just chicken out cause it's outside my comfort zone. I'm working on it though.

2012-04-18T05:43:35+00:00

my absolute favorite thing from the sidebar in this subreddit is: "EVEN IF YOU HAVE A SUPER BORING CONVERSATION, THE ABSOLUTE WORST THING THAT WILL HAPPEN IS THAT YOU WILL COME ACROSS LIKE A NORMAL GUY. Think about that. Normal guys are boring and awkward around hot women. So even if you crash and burn and are boring and awkward, YOU'RE NORMAL, CONGRATULATIONS. That's the WORST case scenario!" I always think about that if I have AA.

breadrising · 2012-04-17T17:44:31+00:00

If it is awkward, who cares? Sure, if she's a bitch she might laugh about it with her friends for 5 seconds afterwards, but then you move on because remember; she's a bitch.
Running out of things to say doesn't happen as easily as you'd think it would, so long as the girl wants to make a little conversation. Get her talking. Also, use Nouning (picking the nouns out of the last sentence she said to ask a follow up question(s))
If all else fails, go dance! You talk for a little while, things are going okay and she seems receptive, but all of a sudden the conversation just goes silent. Don't wait; immediately grab her hand and lead her to the dance floor. At that point, you let your bodies do the flirting.
Just as with Koala bears and other viscious predators, they're usually more scared of you are than you are of them. They're just people, the same as you. Try to be real with them.

totalradass · 2012-04-17T16:01:39+00:00

It doesn't really matter. Can't think of anything to say? Stare at her, tickle her, pick her up... It really doesn't matter. Empty pauses are awesome. You have to have them. You realize it's when you're not talking that girls get most attracted right? Stop trying to impress her with all the cool stories, and just look into her eyes, and figure out where she is at, and what she is feeling.

raiden3600 · 2012-04-17T16:19:51+00:00

Just bring out your most embarrassing story you can think of. THERE PROBLEM SOLVED!

postmodgirl · 2012-04-17T17:23:44+00:00

If you don't know what to say just ask questions that require a detailed answer. Could be about anything, her childhood, a mutual situation or friend, something shes interested in... doesn't matter, just get her talking. That will get the conversation flowing in a new direction and as you get to know her things will get less weird.

slyty3000 · 2012-04-17T18:19:48+00:00

The decision to approach a beautiful woman has to be made before you allow your mind to sabotage your thoughts. The second you see a woman you want to talk to, GO FOR IT! Don't let Scumbag Brain get in the way and talk you out of it. I'll trust you, as a fellow redditor, are an interesting enough person to hold a conversation with a woman. You even said you can hold conversations with good friends. Treat her like a good friend and talk. Just go for it! The worst that will happen is you'll say hi, she'll say hi, and the conversation will end.

AveofSpades · 2012-04-17T19:47:17+00:00

The beauty in women is that they love talking about themselves. Start a casual convo, when you find what she's passionate about (you could just ask her) she'll go on and on talking about it.

2012-04-17T20:10:26+00:00

If you run out of things to say just stand there and look at her, it will feel awkward, but she'll feel that awkward feeling too and she'll either leave or she'll start talking.

Always stay in set, even pasts the limits of what you think you can. Don't leave until she does. There is no rejection, only congruence tests.

youarethelostsheep · 2012-04-17T20:12:09+00:00

That guide was posted here recently. covers the basics.(IMO best guide around)

iwas-saying-boo-urns · 2012-04-17T20:44:42+00:00

Not sure if it's been said already, but, it takes 2 people to make a conversation awkward. If there is silence, that means she isn't holding up her end either, if she blames you she's a douche and you're better off without her.

4boltmain · 2012-04-17T21:12:16+00:00

I have the same issue. But I try not to let it slow me down. I have no problem approaching anybody. It was a couple weeks ago I was at a bar and happen to see one of my favorite radio DJ's there (Shout out to The Mistress at WAAF) and just walked up and started talking to her. Me her and my stepfather had close to an hour long conversation about military ( he has toured Iraq 3 different times.)

But usually after the initial ice breaking I quickly run out of things to say or a direction to take the conversation in. Im not sure why, though I have no problems with guy talk, (cars, electronics, trucks, equipment etc) just most drama I could care less about. I don't watch much TV so I am pretty far out of the loop as far as that goes. By about the point I start talking about the weather I had better have made a really good first impression or its done.

martinni39 · 2012-04-17T23:35:28+00:00

Practice makes perfect. Keep forcing yourself through the initial awkwardness.. ask her questions, think of stories, say your opinion.

fuckbitchesgetmoney1 · 2012-04-18T01:27:36+00:00

I remember one time I was having a pretty lame conversation, realized it and straight out said "Wow [laugh], this conversation is the definition of small talk." and we proceeded to make jokes about how lame it was etc. It helped change the direction of the conversation and gave us something we both could relate to/share to talk about.

dadoka · 2012-04-18T01:41:38+00:00

My friend who I do game with drew up a flow-chat and it goes like this:

Did you approach?

Yes: You sir, are the King of Kings. Hot women will forever be plentiful in your life, and the chode kingdom will lie in wonder at your feet.

No: Go out again.

Something we did to start small was to use indirect openers to just make it easier to approach. The openers we used got more progressive the more comfortable we became, so for example: Where's the nearest cashpoint? < A really easy one that just gets you used to talking to strangers. Where's a good place to eat? < This is a good mini-conversation as in our experience they often will ask what sort of stuff you want to eat, or they will say they don't know and fuck off :D.

You can have a lot of fun with the indirect openers I think and as you become more comfortable progression comes naturally. They can be very situational such as, "where's a good place to dance?" or on mothers day, "hi there, I'm looking for a mothers day gift and I can't think what to do, what did you get your mother?" or perhaps "Hey, do you know any cool cafe's around here?" We did all of our stuff as day game and we used indirect until we were ready to go direct which took a couple weeks of going out and doing it every day.

The other aspect of indirect openers that we found is, we used them to train ourselves in just approaching and talking to strangers - it's so unnatural at first! Intent is a huge thing in RSD style pickup, so the intent is just to talk to girls and maybe build a rapport. It's important to realise that you aren't going for a number, you just want to approach and chat. Direct approach is for getting numbers as the intent should be congruent and if it's an indirect approach then it's a little dishonest and not very congruent - anyone feel free to correct me here, I'm far from good :D.

I've been working under the RSD modes of thought for a long time and Tyler advocates that for him approach = success. If you've approached you've already made it! You are a king among men. If you're able to pull value from with-in, be self-amused, re-frame your perspective to that of abundance, and as Jeffy says "relate as a man to a woman" then you start to feel a lot better and there is a lot more freedom from outcome. I mean, if she isn't enticed by the awesome that is you, then it will get boring and you can just find another girl to approach. I really recommend you check out the rsdfreetour videos on youtube if you haven't seen them, they are fun to watch and definitely helpful.

cmcm77 · 2012-04-18T14:43:05+00:00

I like to think and tell myself and others: "I'll probably NEVER meet this person again! if I do/say something and 'mess' up, it's fine ... we'll never see each other. At least I'll be memorable in some way. Even though I embarrass myself, I'm improving and in the chance we do meet again, she'll have the chance to talk to this newer and improved self that I will be, and she'll see the difference. Or else we'll hit it off and who knows what will happen."

I also like to go through such nervous times thinking, "hey! it's 4/18/2012 [or insert today's date] !! I've never been here before. We've never been here before! This is the first time we've been this far in the future. Whatever happens, it's new to me, her, and everyone else around!! Woohoo! Let's do this!!" This thinking has helped so much with spontaneous shit I get into ... which is almost always fun! And it helps me recognize that we all are on an equal footing, and what's nerve-racking to me may also be nerve-racking to her.

Third thing: I read somewhere, and I whole-heartedly believe, that the majority of people are thinking about how they are constantly portraying themselves: about 'if they look good', making a fool of themselves, 'is my hair right', 'I hope I don't fart ... or at least may it be silent and not too obviously smelly', etc ... They aren't concerned (negatively) about YOU. If you think about how you can make them feel comfortable and relaxed you've done most of the job! It's better than thinking about how you're going to entertain them to get them interested. (why do we focus and obsess on making sure the girl -and everyone else - is entertained? focus elsewhere and they WILL be entertained)

reptomin · 2012-04-18T01:29:05+00:00

First, trying taking a shitload of caffeine before you go out. When you are bouncing off the fucking wall and they ask you if you are always this crazy, tell them you had some super crazy project you were working on or something. Lockheed Martin or something would probably work. Then immediately get them talking and keep turning the conversation to them. You avoid bragging and you can make up shit that you have in common with them.

When it gets awkward, look really awkward. Let it soak in.

Then start laughing to yourself. When she looks at you like you are crazy, tell her you have an amazing superpower.

You can transform any situation into an awkward moment.

If she laughs, she likes you and she will work with your introverted-ness.

If not, ditch her and take a shot of tequila. By yourself. Don't waste money on girls who wont laugh at unfunny jokes.

Timlikesturtles · 2012-04-17T18:18:27+00:00

I'm not sure if you saw it, but I recently posted a link in this subreddit to this site. It talks about 30 ways to become the most interesting person that you know. Trust me, if you can work on a few of these then you will never have to worry about a dull moment in conversation.

Always remember that it is only going to be awkward if you MAKE it awkward. Even if she may display a sign of being uncomfortable just enter and exhibit and exit with a "who give's a fuck?" attitude the whole time. If some bitch won't even entertain a conversation with a friendly stranger at a bar then that is no girl that I would want to lay.

lovelustbitch · 2012-04-17T17:21:41+00:00

Honestly, if it's going to be awkward just embrace it and make her think it's your intention to make the interaction as awkward as possible. If it's not awkward just go with it and start to escalate to get her mind off the mediocre conversation.

drifter105 · 2012-04-17T21:44:35+00:00

I recommend you watch RSD the blueprint decoded.

harsh_times · 2012-04-17T22:15:57+00:00

I used to do this exercise when I went out solo. I would go up to a set and say "Hi! I'm trying to be as awkward as possible." Usually after one of these warm ups I would feel a lot better and realize that nothing really matters. More often than not these "trying to be awkward" sets ended up in a positive interaction. I call it paradoxical intent. The more you try not to fail the more you fail. Likewise if you try to be as awkward as possible then you actually start feeling less awkward. Works for me.

You also gotta realize that some women, no matter how good looking or cute, are awkward and shy. So a failed set is not always because of the approach. Some women just suck at talking to people.

reptomin · 2012-04-17T22:22:57+00:00

I used to have this fear. Then I did 30-40 approaches, quite a few of them awkward, but I got used to it. Fear gone! And after the fear went away it became easier to think of things to say. So force yourself to take action while thinking "just gotta get through these first ones."

IAmTheOmNom · 2012-04-17T23:07:05+00:00

Then just skip the conversation.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7sY83egXIlA

;)

backtobackbluebirds · 2012-04-17T18:21:42+00:00

My thoughts- if a woman doesn't engage you into furthering the conversation she's not worth your time.

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Title	My main fear in approaching women is having a dull conversation/running out of things to say.
Author	IrnBruJunkie
Upvotes	270
Comments	92
Date	April 17, 2012 3:05 PM UTC (14 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/se9xs/my_main_fear_in_approaching_women_is_having_a/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/my-main-fear-in-approaching-women-is-having-a-dull.1331448 https://theredarchive.com/post/1331448

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