I have a hard time openly hitting on girls, not out of fear for rejections, but out of fear of looking like an idiot.

the6step · 2012-07-08T14:47:32+00:00

I'm an AFC myself, but let me tell you a story.

I used to go to this class, and there was this one guy there that practically everyone hated. He hit on ALL of the girls, he was just perverted in general... I always got complaints about him from girls I didn't even know. I always thought he was a chump.

Fast forward a couple of months, and I find out he met his now girlfriend in that class.... beautiful, sweet, nice girl. I have nothing but respect for that guy. Why? Because he has the right attitude... and I'm still his friend.

At the end of the day you have to make a decision. Do you want this. DO YOU WANT THIS. If your answer is yes, then part of you has to die. That part of you that desperately values what other people think... you have to kill that part of yourself.

To respond to your points... what do you expect? I never really thought of it like this but it makes 100% sense. Girls don't really approach guys, their general nature is to pick out the guys that approach them. Assholes will approach them, but you won't. It seems obvious that she really has limited choices.

Opening line means shit, it's all about the energy. Go watch PUA videos where men will intentionally have a stupid opener and still close: doesn't mean shit. I've seen a video where a guy literally comes up with a porn magazine with transsexuals, and has it flipped to a centerfold, literally goes up, shows the girl, and still gets her number.... who the FUCK cares? If you tried this, you'd probably get blown out. It's both expected, but not important at the same time. Learn to accept rejection, learn to accept appearing pathetic to people you shouldn't give a shit about.. that part of you needs to die and it will be a painful death. Once you fully accept that, you'll automatically become smoother because you don't attach value to it any more. You only do that by experience and repetition. Go out and do non-stop embarrassing approaches.

Lastly, really look inward and ask yourself why you despise the fuckups. Really think hard on it.

DistinctQuantic · 2012-07-08T15:38:50+00:00

[permanently deleted]

innergame · 2012-07-08T16:03:38+00:00

What are you trying to achieve exactly?

It's important to remember, you don't have to become one of "those guys." This path doesn't have a definite end, you become what you want to become.

So, decide. What do you want to become? It sounds like you want to be that confident smooth guy. In which case, you should start with confidence work. The first place to start, would be to detach yourself from the outcome. Before you go out, tell yourself you are coming home alone tonight. Then go flirt with every girl.

fit_napper · 2012-07-08T17:04:05+00:00

You look like a bigger idiot just staring. Command and direct that AA energy in interesting ways! Peacocking!

lookiamapollo · 2012-07-08T17:33:58+00:00

Just be genuine. I tried to go through all the pickup stuff and it was definitely a challenge and a growing experience, but I got to the point where I didn't care what anyone thought and I was just honest.

That works out a lot better.

locotx · 2012-07-08T17:46:24+00:00

You worry too much about the outcome and what other people think. If you put too much added pressure on yourself to get laid or take a girl home with you, it's not gonna happen . . you're not gonna be able to relax. Go with the attitude of "I'm here to have fun, I WANT to hook up, but if not, so be it . .if so . .GAME ON !" THAT will help you relax and trust me, women are just as nervous about being asked but the key thing is to remember . .women can sniff out nervousness and lack of confidence. I hate to say it like this, but it's like shopping for a car . .if you NEED a car now, you are at a disadvantage, the salesman can sniff that out and sucker you in . . but if you DON'T HAVE TO buy a car and just looking, there's no pressure on you, you can walk away anytime and/or negotiate because you don't HAVE to get a car, so that means you can relax and choose the best option for you.

Also, you'll get teased if you strike out and look like a fool, but at least put your best foot forward, you can't hit a homerun if you don't swing. So go, be respectful, get in the game, and learn how to deal with rejection, it'll just give you the experience.

CupCakeDaFluff · 2012-07-08T13:41:02+00:00

stop being stuck up. You said it yourself, they get girls and you don't. stop caring what other people think of you

VMikeL · 2012-07-08T16:43:58+00:00

I recommended watching this for science: THIS (World's Number 1 PUA spills the beans)

I started in the same way for a short while: "holy shit, I'm gonna be "THAT GUY " who goes around trying to get laid all day... how sad?" well surprise! no one fucking picked it up, no one noticed... But even if they had, no one said anything to me, and I began realising, I don't really care if they did, because I was having SO much damn fun, it didn't matter a single bit.

Just know that if you're not a creep, if you come in with conviction and the intention of enjoying the interaction, a lot of it won't really matter.

SupALupRT · 2012-07-08T17:49:57+00:00

People keep asking for advice but the truh of the matter is you really just got to grow a pair and talk to girls more often. Not trying to be mean, but the only way to really understand how these communications work is to get knee deep into it. Your going to fail. A lot. Sorry but that's life, if your afraid of failure you don't deserve success, that's the way I see it anyway.

People here are going to give you their theories and step by step instructions and that's fine , but I've found that going and talking to a girl, making mistakes, learning from them and then trying again is the best way to make progress. Learn your strengths and work towards them. Learn your weaknesses and try to fix them.

I can't tell you what to say or how to say it because it depends on who you are as a person, so the very best advice I can give is man up, be prepared to make mistakes and learn from then, and relax. Chill out, your just talking to another person.

Hope this helps.

sillymallard · 2012-07-08T19:50:33+00:00

Are you going out by yourself or with others? If you are going out with others, I HIGHLY suggest going out by yourself in a part of town where nobody will recognize you and nobody will remember you. This removes the penalty for "acting like an idiot". If your friends see you be an idiot, or you game in a place where your reputation is at stake, it will be much harder to practice game.

2012-07-08T21:51:15+00:00

There is a lot to consider in this post, so i will address one point and try to make sense from there:

It's the opening line i have a hard time with.

Some guys are really great with opening and being comfortable just saying "hi." I always had trouble with it and stumbled from there. So I took another approach, which has worked really well for me.

It's always circumstantial, but I take one of two approaches, both of which I usually undertake while at the bar ordering a drink because it allows me to engage and leave, which makes me less of a threat and establishes familiarity. One approach is to compliment her on something that is so far from something she would be complimented on, like glasses, earrings, a watch, a ring or shoes. Never clothing. And certainly never anything physical. For example, I may see an HB8 waiting at the bar for a drink. I roll up. Post up next to her. Give it a moment so she notices my presence. I don't look at her. Then I make an obvious motion of looking at her and say something like "Those are killer glasses!" then immediately turn my focus back on the bartender trying to get a drink. If the response is cold, I may drop it. Usually, they tend to bite. If they are warm to it, I may ask where they got the glasses, that i am thinking about getting glasses because I wear contacts but can't decide what frames, etc. Boom...we are chatting.

The second opener would be the same approach, at the bar, getting drink, but it might be more in the moment. Not a compliment, but perhaps a question or a comment on something that is happening. If there is a male bartender and female bartender, I may turn to the girl and same something like "ok, you have a mission. we can't do this alone. I need you to work on the guy. I will work on the girl. If get me a drink, I got this round. If i get you a drink. I got this round. Don't fail me." I buy the drink either way, and I walk away. She's mine for the night. She had fun, was bought a drink but not creepily cornered and nothing was expected of her. I may walk past her a little later and say something like, "i'm ready for another drink whenever you are. Let's head to the bar." I'll bust her balls about buying me a drink and then pick up the tab. But now i've isolated her and she is comfortable with me. I introduce myself and get to know her.

This works well for me.

jimii · 2012-07-08T17:13:33+00:00

You don't need to open with a fancy 'line'. It's all about giving off that confident, playful, slightly sexual (not too much too fast) vibe.

askywalker · 2012-07-08T17:23:10+00:00

Truth is, you can't wait to have no fear. The fear only goes away after you've done the task. I read a book called "Feel the fear and do it anyways" so that is my motto. I am a former AFC, but have no problem getting girls now. However, last night for example I was pretty scared to approach a girl i was interested in, but I did it anyways and got her number. Don't wait for fear to go away. Confidence can trump fear, and you build your confidence every time you overcome the fear.

I agree that looking stupid is worse than rejection. I've had my heart through a meat grinder so certainly disinterest from a stranger at a bar is not going to bring me down. I suspect that most people are actually more scared of the awkward moment after the cold response they get, and being seen by others..

Fact is, if you keep a smile on your face most people around you won't notice a thing.

squarehouse · 2012-07-08T22:59:24+00:00

I just can't relax. I constantly have this fear of looking like the fuckups that i despise so much.

Yeah, that's pretty much karma. You've become aggressively judgmental about other people, and now you can't stand the thought of you being the object of that degree of criticism.

It's called shame. You're good at dishing it out, but now you can't take it. It's a complete circle. Try not being so critical of other people next time.

anonsequitur · 2012-07-09T01:29:16+00:00

My best advice to get over something like this is travel. When you travel, go out and meet women. When you're in a place where you know that you'll most likely never see those people again, you'll let yourself get away with a lot more flirty behavior because in your mind, there are no real social consequences. When you get back, you'll be able to re-enter that state of mind more easily.

boethius_tcop · 2012-07-09T01:56:14+00:00

Those guys that you judge so harshly, what do you think they are? Scumbags? Rapists? Most of them are just dudes trying to meet chicks, and some do it less artfully than others. At least they have the balls to try. You should respect, admire, and emulate THAT, not fixate on the clumsy or obnoxious manner by which some (and yes, many) of them go about trying. Unlike most of real life, when approaching females, sometimes you get credit just for trying. And the more you try, the better you get at it. You probably are more sophisticated than the guys you are judging - and that can be a big advantage out there - so there's no reason to think if you approach a girl respectfully you are doomed to failure. But if you can't even take that first step, you'll always be at least a step behind the oafs who can.

sithyiscool · 2012-07-08T23:28:54+00:00

Risk Weird (open)

Risk Creepy (touch)

Risk Perverted (sexual)

Gotta do it. That's why random girls at bars are great for practice.

2012-07-09T01:16:58+00:00

You miss 100% of the shots you don't take.

jonbowen · 2012-07-09T02:09:55+00:00

Just say hello.

ladada2001 · 2012-07-09T03:01:39+00:00

Yeah, a good tip is to NOT try to hit on girls. Don't actively try to do it, you'll psych yourself out. If it happens, it happens naturally because it felt fun and comfortable. You're forcing it, stop. Just talk to people, if you can find a conversation with them, that's good enough, and hitting on them and flirting will occur naturally.

Elsewise; you're afraid of your own failure because you're anticipating that your conversation should go ONE-way.

Universally, there is no SINGLE conversation you can have with a person to hit on them or to have sex with them, or to pick them up, or what-have-you.

arifterdarkly · 2012-07-09T03:12:47+00:00

how are you with speaking in front of an audience? do you like getting up in front of co-workers or fellow students? i bet you don't. and you're not alone. we fear public speaking more than we fear death. i've been on stage since i was seven years old. i'm in my thirties now. i've sung in bands, i've acted in theatre and film. i always forget lyrics, i fuck up takes.. i do all of that. but since i've done that so many times i've found out that messing up does not make the ground open up and swallow me. it's okay to fail, it's expected to strike out at first, it's all part of the learning process. i can walk up to anyone and strike up a conversation, i don't care.

since this is a long game and it is hard to just change your ways in one swoop, you can give yourself challenges. like, next time i'm out i will walk up and high five five strangers. next time i'm going to high five four strangers and say hello to one girl. next time 3xhi5+2hello. you have to get used to the idea of people looking at you. that first step is always the hardest. but your legs will carry you. get your feet moving and just practice practice practice.

iLoginToComment · 2012-07-09T09:13:12+00:00

Well for one, let me start by giving you a golf clap for not selling & and having standards for the way you carry yourself. Most guys do not and it equally drives me nuts.

Once you see 'the matrix' of social dynamics you'll realize its not about anything you say or your body language and tonality per se, its about how you carry yourself, and you're 90% there ! Your biggest problem is that you are not comfortable looking like a fuckup. Go out and look like a fuckup until you realize that its okay. Once you accept yourself, you will be able to accept other people. When other people 'feel' that they can be a fuckup around you and you wont judge them because you can be a fuckup and just judge yourself, then magic will happen.

But please, dont be a choad and sell out for pussy. Your character will never develop gravity in order to be truly great with that approach. You'll just sporadically have mediocre sex.

BrymstoneMurphy · 2012-07-09T13:19:24+00:00

Hi my name is....and stick out your hand. Works with everyone.

itsmevichet · 2012-07-09T14:05:28+00:00

I'm still gonna call this fear of rejection - everything else you say is just rationalizing it.

Your fear of rejection MIGHT stem from your comparing yourself to these guys that you dislike so much.

So, it seems your pride is a hang-up, here: you don't want to risk being worse at something than someone you think you're better than.

No one wants to be worse than the next guy, but having that feeling does literally nothing to change what's actually happening in the world.

Get rid of it. Ignore it.

Approach. Fail or succeed. Improve your approaches. Just do it.

2012-07-08T20:26:53+00:00

just chat to the bitch like she's a normal regular person. talk to her, see if you guys actually connect. it's just practice but you're hyping yourself up way too much.

2012-07-08T19:10:50+00:00

Looking like an idiot... by being rejected.

WithMightyDirtyDeeds · 2012-07-08T20:46:11+00:00

Girls will pull faces at you. So what? Is that some greatest insult of all time to you? PUSSY.

Doesn't matter shit.

Just do it.

Title	I have a hard time openly hitting on girls, not out of fear for rejections, but out of fear of looking like an idiot.
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	196
Comments	62
Date	July 8, 2012 1:34 PM UTC (14 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/w7y58/i_have_a_hard_time_openly_hitting_on_girls_not/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/i-have-a-hard-time-openly-hitting-on-girls-not-out.1335380 https://theredarchive.com/post/1335380

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