Unable to do first cold approach

give_him_room_hooper · 2013-07-12T15:06:10+00:00

Making up reasons, logical or not, not to approach, is essentially THE definition of approach anxiety. That little bit of hesitation can be enough to keep it from happening.

First, approaching in the daytime can be easy(ier) in the right circumstances. I personally think approaching on the street can be a bit more difficult, just because there are fewer openings - you don't want to be creepy and run up behind someone as they're walking, so you have to look for better spots, such as a bench, bus stop or cross walk.

It's also best to approach someone that's already seen you, so it comes off as less threatening. Even if you can just make your way (naturally) to the side of someone's field of vision, they'll be more receptive if they don't feel like you just jumped out from behind a bush or something. So again, if you can stand beside someone at a crosswalk or something, that's better than coming up from behind or having to stop someone in their tracks if they're going somewhere.

Also, warm yourself up to cold approaches by just saying "hi" to people in general, whether you find them attractive or not. Just make casual small talk when there's an opening. I think there are better options in the day time, such as a grocery store or something, where it's easy to pick something you both may be looking at or something to talk about. You can do it with girls in the check-out line of a store, or where you get your haircut, or servers at a restaurant, or wherever. The more practice you have making small talk with people, the better you'll be able to do it when you see someone you're interested in.

Lastly, let's say you're still having some AA at the moment of truth when you want to approach someone, I know it sounds simple, but you have to just do it. The less you think, the better. Everyone seems to have their own little tricks... some people have a three-second rule where they discipline themelves to approach within three seconds, or other variations of that. You have to kind of find what mental tricks work for you. For ME, personally, and some may think this is stupid, but whatever, it works, is I picture Sean Connery's James Bond, and just think "What would Bond do? Would he hesitate to talk to anyone, or would he just do it?" When I was first working on my game, I wasn't very confident in many areas of life, and this little James Bond trick would always boost my confidence enough to help. It's like he was my invisible wing-man or something.

I know this got long, but I hope it helps, and best of luck!

TL;DR Long live Sir Sean Connery

nobody2000 · 2013-07-12T15:57:51+00:00

You know what worked for me initially, just to build comfort?

Talk to them like they're dudes.

A lot of guys who are new to this, or just terrible at talking to women get anxious when they talk to potential prospects. Fat ugly girl? No problem. Some bro at the bar? Easy.

Attractive woman? Forget it.

But if you can just ignore sex, ignore the pressure, and understand that you can just have a benign conversation, you'll get more comfortable.

At first, none of these women will want you, unless you REALLY suddenly encapsulate all of what Mark Manson talked about in Models.

But - as YOU grow comfortable with talking to women, you can eventually add new things to how you talk.

You can begin to frame yourself sexually.

You can begin to communicate what your intentions are.

You can learn to become vulnerable.

It's hard, and you'll fail. You'll feel like a horses ass over and over again.

But guess what? If you keep at it, you won't feel like a horse's ass as frequently.

You'll get less scared.

You'll subconsciously choose the right words.

You'll close a lot more.

thebandz · 2013-07-12T14:52:49+00:00

Learn to live outside of your mind. You're thinking too much and your brain is fucking you.

Luminaire · 2013-07-12T18:44:27+00:00

Having done this many times, I've discovered these truths:

You're placing too much importance on the approach. It means next to nothing. There are days where I've literally gone up to 20 different girls and got absolutely nowhere. There are also days where no matter where I went in my day I was flooded with numbers. This is all a numbers game. The individual approaches mean very little as long as you keep accumulating the attempts.
There is no moment you can lose. I've hesitated plenty of times, then I discovered that doesn't matter. I ran down the street to catch up to the girl I didn't go up to half a block ago, and it was fine. The only moment lost is the one where the girl is so far away you can't talk to her. You can even tell her you chased her down, as long as it's with a big smile.
You WILL get rejected, a lot. Expect it. Savor it. It can be for any one of hundreds of reasons. She has a boyfriend, she was having a bad day, she was crazy, you came off creepy, you looked needy, you had a shirt color she didn't like. Doesn't really matter if it was you or not. There are so many women you could try this once every minute for 30 years and not make a dent in the population.
Especially if you're nervous, just accept you are likely fuck up the approach. Do it anyway. Do two more. Screw those up too. The next one will be easier.
How can you possibly know if you can see yourself dating a girl just based on seeing her for 5 seconds? Be less concerned about whether you're gonna marry the first girl you meet and more about having fun. Talk to everyone. Joke with everyone. Be silly. Amuse yourself. Amuse some random stranger on the street. There are always more people, and more pretty girls.
HAVE FUN!!!!!!! If you get nothing else from what I say, HAVE FUN! This is supposed to be fun.

choc_is_back · 2013-07-12T16:43:14+00:00

Here's my goto 'FUCK I NEED TO SAY SOMETHING' opinion opener, which has a certain elegance to it:

Hey, excuse me (she stops). I could use a woman's opinion on something: does it ever really work as a man to approach a woman out of the blue? Like, you see somebody, you think they have great style, and you would love to have a conversation with them, or at least compliment them. Is there any way you can do that without seeming like a creep you think?

There are many fun ways to keep this going depending on her response, but the fact is, it's 'universal', and above all: it's something genuinely interesting to you (given that you're here, ha!). I love 'opinion openers' even if they tend to be considered 'old school' from the Mystery days, but only on one condition: that it is actually something I am interested in learning from a girl.

Let me know how it goes!

scratchii · 2013-07-12T15:22:33+00:00

Also find other ppl with like minded interest. It helped me to see them approach and pushed me. You can also give them money ie $20x5 and you get $20 back for each approach. gl, dont think about outcome. Think about experience and references to become a better person with women.

miles_v · 2013-07-12T15:23:06+00:00

There's something you can do to make the social pressure work in your favor. You can basically launch yourself at a target in such a way that there's almost no turning back.

What you're experiencing right now probably goes something like this: you spot a girl and start strolling towards her or slightly adjusting your course, so that you'd cross paths with her. As you get closer, you start this inner dialogue and ultimately convince yourself to not open her and just walk past.

Part of this is because of social pressure: it's less weird to just walk past someone than to stop them and start a conversation.

Try this: you see a girl and you immediately lock eyes (even if she isn't looking back at you, keep your eyes on hers) and walk towards her very clearly and purposefully. Anyone looking at you now clearly sees that you are walking towards this one specific girl. Even if you have all this self-talk going on, it would now be way weirder to eject and pretend like you didn't mean to approach her than to just approach her and say something.

The advantage of this is that it requires just one act of willpower, to get started. After that, there's no turning back.

With the usual approach, you have to make the decision to start approaching and you have to keep that decision up for the few seconds it takes to actually reach her. For many guys, that's where it falls apart.

Extreme version of this technique: point at her and yell "hey, you!" right away, as you start walking towards her. You can't do that and then not go talk to her.

meat_delivery · 2013-07-12T15:21:28+00:00

Use an indirect opener first. Just ask for the way to (insert building or place here) to overcome initial anxiety. If you can, make some smalltalk after that, but in the beginning it's okay if you just leave afterwards. After you have done this a few times (and maybe already had one ore two good interactions), it will get easier to approach differently as well.

Also you can ask for the time "because you forgot your cellphone". This of course is not the best idea, because you wouldn't be able to save her number on your phone, so maybe have a pen and paper with you.

Just start somehow. Also note that direct openers are considered to be better and more effective than indirect openers, for the future. At this point though, the mere approach will suffice.

carsforBOB · 2013-07-12T19:27:19+00:00

always approach within the first 15 seconds. after that you seem like the creeper that keeps staring. heres my routine (sasha day games routine actually) and i have had great success with it. "excuse me but i have to tell you something." pause and wait for the awkward "..okay?" now she is interested in what you have to say. "now i dont want you to take this the wrong way.." as if you are going to tell her there is something on her face, typically they start a bit of self grooming and they give an even more concerned "...okay?!" then you drop it on them.. "i just wanted to say i think you a very pretty." huge relief comes over them and they usually blush a bit. you can start a conversation from here. hows your day going? what are you up to today? or you can simply walk away. This routine is from Sasha Daygame and it works. try it out. its the only routine i use.

rivsdiary · 2013-07-12T19:49:27+00:00

Talking to pretty girls is SCARY. The first street cold approach I did I could see myself shaking. The key is to do 100s or 1000s of approaches and build up immunity to this fear. I have done about 100 so far. It gets much easier. Once I do 1000 it will be like taking a nap.

citizensounds · 2013-07-12T15:44:17+00:00

Stick to binary code. 1 approach, 0 be kind. None of this 1-10 stuff.

When you see a 1, notice how you want to talk to her. At this point, you have two options, man up or keep walking. To eliminate mental banter, go with the rule of 5. Take a deep breath and count to 5 in your head, then approach. Just do.

Analyze the situation. Focus on the positives and note the downsides. Find humor in what happened. Learn to enjoy feeling rejected, it means you're learning.

squattincassanova3 · 2013-07-12T15:45:43+00:00

You should start with night game before you do day game. I was fortunate to go to a pickup convention and meet DJ Fuji. I was his assistant for 1.5 years. Basically I got punched into set. I remember my first time, I drove an hour to San Diego, walked around the club for an hour, made 1 approach, got butt hurt and went home. Now I can't even picture what AA is like as I get into state so damn fast hehe. Thats what 5000+ approaches under your belt does for you.

okayawesome91 · 2013-07-12T16:14:48+00:00

Here's a good blog post by Sasha Daygame, I think he has a few on overcoming approach anxiety: http://sashapua.com/social-awkwardness-is-your-friend/ Good luck, formi.

Jaricho · 2013-07-12T16:23:59+00:00

What works for me are warmups,

Just approach everyone as a warmup.

Every girl you think is cute, is just as human as the old guy on the corner. If you can look at it like that, and truly believe it like that.

It should become a lot easier.

EndOfTheUniverse · 2013-07-12T16:13:30+00:00

Start easy, start small. I'm not the best to give advice as daygame terrifies me. I'm in a more natural state during the night. However my baby steps have been as follows:

Maintain eye contact with people you find attractive. 2-3/10 will look back.

Maintain eye contact and smile to them. People who look back always naturally smile back. The damn thing is contagious.

Hi-five girls you find attractive. I have no idea but this usually is succesful. Just while walking to them, look at them. Raise your hand, and cheerfully go "Hi-Five!".

Say hi afterwards.

Use a direct opener about how god-damn nervous you are.

And work upwards from there.

Also approach anxiety, we all have it. If you stop practicing for a while it comes back. Neil Strauss says he still gets approach anxiety. The key is to get over it. It's hard.

Try the 3 second rule. So many people keep talking about it, that it must have something going for it. The theory is, you don't give yourself enough time to rationalise away from action, which trust me you will.

And finally. The hardest, but most high yield thing you can do; aim to get rejected in your first approach. Do something ballsy, do something stupid. Don't do something creepy, but just go in with the mindset, "I'm going to have some fun. Let's make this girl reject me."

Whenever I do this in night clubs, a switch suddenly flips after the first attempt, and I have the most ridiculous fun ever.

scorpionplayer · 2013-07-13T00:56:34+00:00

Heres a little stretch I do right before I go talk to women: 1)Squat down real low 2)place my hands on my waist 3)Slowly roll your hips in a circular motion 4)Continue to roll your hips until all the sand has left your vagina.

Haha in all seriousness though, just don't think about it. Just breathe and don't think. Just get up and go, and next thing you know it, you've got her phone number! BOOM. Magic.

Gelnn · 2013-07-12T14:51:32+00:00

Just practice talking to strangers in public. Start small & work up.

2013-07-12T16:18:16+00:00

don't be afraid of rejection

hotwingz83 · 2013-07-12T18:15:04+00:00

My biggest tip is this: if you fail to approach a girl (or approach and then fail), DON'T get down on yourself about it at all. Immediately move on to the next one. My biggest challenge in overcoming AA was beating myself up with "shoulda's". This will only hold you back. The most useful tool I learned is how to bounce back quickly. Time spent beating yourself up is time you could be spending talking to that cute girl who just walked by me at Starbucks...hold up...

jbg89 · 2013-07-12T22:50:10+00:00

YouTube search guys like Sasha Daygame, James Marshal, and Liam Mcrae. They are the 'best' guys to learn from for day game. RSD is better for night game, although their stuff also works during the day. Of course, these are all in my own opinion so check them out for yourself.

theoneandonlytim · 2013-07-13T01:24:42+00:00

I like how you put it. I too don't have "approach anxiety," i just simply don't do it. I don't even get to experience the anxiety.

PM me if you find anything that works, bc i have the same way of looking at it. Please post a FR

RedYeti · 2013-07-12T15:09:25+00:00

Do what's recommended on here all the time and deliberately set out to fail. See how many girls you can get to reject you until you've completely overcome any embarrassment it holds for you

stomith · 2013-07-12T15:27:58+00:00

You know what helps me? I just think about Steve Buscemi. If HE can be a stud, I certainly can.

TrePismn · 2013-07-12T17:13:21+00:00

Honestly, I encourage you to go out there and make people feel awkward. Think of it this way, you will never see them again in your life. Or even if you do, they won't remember you, they'll have a complete memory failure and won't connect the kind stranger to the person who said something totally weird that one day.

Here was my first flop ever, and I love telling this story. I sat down at a bar, and there was a HB6 playing on her phone. I was in an airport and couldn't give a good god damn about what I was going to say or do. I interrupted her, "So..." and nodded to the liquor shelf, "...I've always wondered if I snuck a bottle of Aunt Jemimah's syrup on the liquor shelf, would anyone ever notice?" She was at a loss for words, finally managing a, "huh... haha." and back to digging on her mobile.

That itself was not a successful approach, but it helped to be more successful in approaches. Does that make sense? Seek failure.

mkss89 · 2013-07-12T17:29:19+00:00

5-5-5 rule. think what will be the consequences of opening/not opening after 5 sec, after 5 min and after 5 years if your decision would be always the same (fe. never doing cold approach). and also don't have big plans, expectations like today i will approach 10 hot chicks and i will be charming. it can make you nervous and if you won't do it you will feel bad about yourself. tiny habits are the best. whenever you are outdoors you can approach woman that you find somewhat attractive and say anything to her. if you feel like approaching more chicks, that's great. baby steps are the best.

1vibe · 2013-07-12T17:30:36+00:00

Yes. Approach women you do not want to date. Men too.

Just say, "hi, how are you?"

That's it. Does not need to be any further dialog.

Maliciouz · 2013-07-12T18:47:11+00:00

Make stuff happen by doing it instead of thinking about it!

For instance today at gym I noticed these two hot girls working out around me, I never stood next to them until at the end of my routine when we were all three in the same hall. I admit I had been eyeing them before but when I walk in I start small-talking about the weather and they both respond in a open-minded way. I break rapport and start crunching abs on the floor and soon realize they are just standing there don't know what the hell to do next. So I said (while lying on the floor looking over to them) "Are you a bit lost, no idea what to do next? :)" and they both respond with a smile "Ye sort of..". I recommend the same exercise I'm doing with ball under feet while crunching abs and first one girl gets a ball and gives it a try, and then the other shortly follows. I ask them about the exercise and how it felt and same boring small-talk. Then they leave and I'm left wondering what I should have, or could have done. But frankly, I'm satisfied and I told myself I did OK and at least opened my mouth and started something.

so. yea, rambling about some daygame...but point is make someone else become aware of your thoughts, that's a good start!

LyingPervert · 2013-07-12T20:02:59+00:00

I couldn't do it until I thought to my self "ill never see them again"

Deranged_Individual3 · 2013-07-12T20:41:04+00:00

Cold approaching is very easy. Once you've done it a lot it'll be completely natural and instictive of you to just walk up to a cute girl as soon as you see her cause she looks so damn hot that you just wanna get inside her.

Anyway, you HAVE to start somewhere so my advice to you is to yes approach girls that you wouldn't see yourself dating. Fat girls, not so attractive girls, whatever it may be. Especially if it's the first girl you're approaching in that day. You need something to warm up on.

The very first approach of the day and the very first cold approaches you ever do will be the most difficult but if you can just muster up the courage, grip your nuts, go in and not give a fuck, then you will be smooth sailing on the rest of your approaches. One tactic I use is if you're walking down the street, you see a cute girl walk by, make eye contact with her and as soon as you pass her turn around, walk up beside her and then open with "Excuse me but I just walked by you and I thought you were really cute so I just had to introduce myself"

Now she's either gonna just keep walking, blow you off, start judging you, OR be really surprised and start talking back which is when you've hooked and you'll be able to have a conversation with her.

Most girls will just blow you off, it's a simple fact and that is why cold approaching is a numbers game. I use to do it quite a bit but not so much anymore because it's time consuming to just sarge throughout the day... But doing cold approaches gave me a lot of confidence to just walk up to cute girls that I see in my life and just start talking without giving no fucks at all and trying to land a date or number on them.

All in all, cold approaching is really something that is worth it to learn and I wish you the best of luck with it. If you have any questions reply back cause I have a decent amount of experience. Although I've never gotten a date from cold approaches lol...

justsumloser · 2013-07-13T07:06:59+00:00

just approach anyone, its a good way to break the ice. and don't think about what to say, just say whatever comes to mind. comment on their clothes, their hair, the weather, the traffic, anything. and most of all, have fun :D

jdepps113 · 2013-07-12T17:26:31+00:00

You should change the title. You are not unable to do anything. You are unwilling.

dzonaja · 2013-07-12T23:02:26+00:00

Talk to everyone. Talk to strangers, male and female, not only hot girls. Go to some shopping stores and talk to workers there. Ask them questions about products. Ask people in the street for directions. Try talking to as many strangers as you can every day. This will make you less stressed and in some time you will get to the next level.

Title	Unable to do first cold approach
Author	forml
Upvotes	66
Comments	64
Date	July 12, 2013 2:16 PM UTC (13 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/1i5jfp/unable_to_do_first_cold_approach/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/unable-to-do-first-cold-approach.1355332 https://theredarchive.com/post/1355332

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