What women mean when they say they want a nice guy.

InvictusRex · 2013-11-19T18:38:37+00:00

TL;DR - Teasing works

puaCurveBall · 2013-11-19T19:19:21+00:00

It think it has a lot more to do with a lack of introspection then what you are claiming.

Girls "say" they want a nice guy because society tells them they want a nice guy, even if they don't.

I've known a lot of women who understand what attracts them, and I've never heard them using "nice" as something they want in a guy.

I also think it is a bit of mental masturbation to try to figure this kind of thing out, when approaching and practical skills are so important to improving your skills.

Regardless of what they say, we know what works, and you are never going to get a 100% accurate answer to this type of question.

piggybankcowboy · 2013-11-19T19:49:01+00:00

Basing your data ofF bar scenarios where alcohol is likely involved is probably not the best way to go about figuring out what people mean when they say "nice guy." Once the alcohol kicks in, wants and needs get skewed a bit, I think, and that's regardless of gender or sexual orientation.

I've learned to take the term "nice guy" to mean the following things:

confident without being an asshole
considerate without being over-bearing
emotionally connected without being a basket case
thoughtful without being obsessive
willing without being a push-over
able to defend without going on the offensive.

I imagine you get the gist of those, but if you need me to explain any, let me know. That's just what I've gotten out of the whole "nice guy" thing.

edit: I understand why bar scenarios would be obvious data, since that's where many people tend to meet others. Not knocking it, I just don't trust it because booze.

centurijon · 2013-11-19T19:07:04+00:00

"nice" comes in to play more with relationships than pickup.

If you're just taking a girl home, then being nice enough is just a matter of not being an obvious asshole.

In a relationship, if a girl wants to have a nice guy, then your personality has to match up much more with that and stand a test of time and consistency.

asleeplessmalice · 2013-11-20T00:00:33+00:00

In my experience, girls have said they wanted a nice guy really wanted a Tom Sawyer type. (Bad boy with a nice streak/scoundrel with a heart of gold)

2013-11-19T21:34:25+00:00

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Leshow · 2013-11-19T20:28:56+00:00

i disagree. i think you're over analysing the hell out of it.

girls DO want a nice guy... when they are in a relationship. it's just not pure niceties that create attraction.

you're also drawing a false dichotomy between nice and being timid/shy. they are not the same thing. you can be nice and confident and tease. niceness does not equal being timid.

FittersGuy · 2013-11-19T19:03:36+00:00

Definitely not how it works. What the girl is eating up is the guy's attitude. He's being fun, laughing, and is speaking to her on an emotional level. Forget what he's actually saying, it means nothing. Go try and call a girl a bitch with a deadpan stare, you're going to either get slapped or ignored.

2013-11-19T19:18:57+00:00

They don't want nice. They want confident.

2013-11-19T18:56:57+00:00

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dhays2000 · 2013-11-20T00:43:07+00:00

Look man, instead trying to figure out the games these girls are playing. Just say what you mean and mean what you say. If they can't handle that move on. If you start out a relationship playing games it just keeps getting worse. Be open and honest with people thats how you build trust with each other. I should know I have been married to the same woman for twenty seven years.

Jessie_James · 2013-11-20T02:10:33+00:00

This is your key misunderstanding:

She's been validated a lot. So much so that compliments have been the default response from so many people.

She has not been validated. She has been lied to by "guys" who think if they are dishonest or disingenuous with their comments they can get somewhere. "Guys" who are not open and honest about their intentions are the guys she has learned to avoid.

For example, the guy who tries to be her friend? He's a liar, and she knows it, so she friendzones him.

The guy who asks her on a date, and is honest and direct about his intentions, IS A NICE GUY that she wants to get to know.

AlexFiasco · 2013-11-19T21:32:11+00:00

Wow, girls are freaking confusing. Screw that, I'm into guys now.

theubernoob · 2013-11-19T20:53:43+00:00

Put yourself in their shoes. Someone comes up to you and is really nice, compliments you on whatever, and is just really really pleasant. That's all well and good and you nod and say thank you and laugh at a joke maybe, but do you want to hang out with this person? no. I dunno about you, but all my friends talk a lot of shit to one another and we have a lot of fun being assholes, but we're not malicious. When a chick says she wants a nice guy, she means she wants someone who isn't malicious, like actually out to hurt her, nobody wants that. Nice guy doesn't mean compliments and flowers and getting walked on. Nice guy means a reasonable human being.

grotesquepanda · 2013-11-20T00:32:16+00:00

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leftofzen · 2013-11-20T02:42:03+00:00

Hypothesis? In my opinion this is every girl, ever, and its how I've always acted because teasing and sarcasm are just in my nature. Then again I've never talked to a girl at a bar in an attempt to pick up; I'm a relationship guy, not a 'player' like every other guy (tries to be) on this sub so my opinion might be different.

Most people mistake 'nice' for 'pussy' and in their attempt to act nice come across as a pussy instead. 'Nice' is not mutually exclusive with 'strong' or 'assertive' or 'alpha' or any other adjective associated with alphas but since people still mistake its meaning, think of 'nice' as 'chivalrous'. You treat a lady like a lady without lowering your own 'manliness', for lack of a better word.

As for the sarcasm/humour/etc, as I said it comes naturally to me because its who I am, and that is my main point here, don't try to be funny, don't try at all, just be yourself. If you try to make a joke or a sarcastic comment and it isn't 'you', it is blatantly obvious you are hiding under a false personality and sooner or later you'll get caught out. Be yourself and be confident about yourself. I know this is far easier said than done but the sooner you accept yourself for who you are instead of trying to be someone else, the better you will be.

Sorry this kind of went off on a tangent :(

dandeezy · 2013-11-20T05:30:56+00:00

Genius! You're correct. This teasing, not just it not being a compliment, it also sounds like a trust thing. Sarcasm and teasing require a tiny level of trust to know the person isn't serious and is joking. This in trust you build with friends. Immediately building it with her makes her feel comfortable and trusting. ( mind subconsciously triggers this)

Therefore genius OP. I applaud you. Edited spelling.

peetss · 2013-11-19T19:32:17+00:00

Call girls bitches to their face, ok I think I got it.

2013-11-19T21:25:26+00:00

TIL: The best opener is "'sup bitches?". /s

2013-11-20T01:02:49+00:00

what about: they espouse the "nice guy" theory because they want the losers to self identify?

mikedamike · 2013-11-20T01:08:22+00:00

Women are not all one and the same person. What one woman will mean by 'nice guy' may be not what another one interprets. The only way to find out is to ask the woman in question.

2013-11-20T02:30:46+00:00

I dont know why but this, this is makes the most sense of anything I've read here. Like this just clicked for me. Holy shit

2013-11-20T03:45:59+00:00

You should credit the original author, OP

2013-11-20T03:50:08+00:00

Can confirm this guy is totally a womanizer and sexist.

Source: I know this guy in real life.

Kidding, he's cool. He sleeps on our couch and let's us play his PS4

donit · 2013-11-20T03:54:08+00:00

Good point: Some girls don't trust compliments because they usually come from supplicating guys and fake friends, while teasing insults usually only come from confident guys and real friends.

2013-11-20T04:18:19+00:00

Girls want good guys, not nice guys.

Nice guys are the ones who eat up all their shit with no spine, they also expect sex in return for being a nice friend to the girl and complain about being friendzoned when they don't get it. Either be a real friend, or show the girl you're interested, she owes you NOTHING.

ThrowawayPUA · 2013-11-20T04:30:26+00:00

This doesn't really connect with with any seduction practices or principles generally known to this community. It's mostly random, baseless speculation. And yes, you're right, we would appreciate if you didn't gank TRP material and push it on seddit.

rockytimber · 2013-12-08T20:01:42+00:00

Before you date a female human, get a female dog and a female cat. Then you will know what to expect: a two legged version with ten times the IQ. Somehow we get some strange idealized version in our heads that is pretty far at odds with the reality. Humans mostly pretend to not be primates.

MMeldrem · 2013-11-19T19:20:54+00:00

Thanks for writing this. It makes a lot of sense. What jumped out the most at me was not having a straight face when teasing. I tend to keep to much of a straight face when teasing girls, and as a result they just take me more as just being a dick. Even though they are intrigued somewhat by my not being a pushover, the way they ultimately interpret my remarks prevents them from becoming really comfortable with me. This really hit home.

Bitterposer · 2013-11-19T20:53:01+00:00

Girls want a genuinely nice guy. By that, a guy who truly in his heart is nice, i.e., he helps old ladies cross the street, he is polite to waiters, etc...

However, when most guys are "nice" it is clearly because they just want some pussy. Girls can see that, they're not idiots. A guy who buys you a drink and holds the door open for you is not really being nice.

Furthermore, women are attracted to the alpha male, so they will constantly "shit test" you to see how "alpha" you are. The regular nice-person thing to do would be supplicate to these shit tests, but as an alpha you have to brush them off and sometimes act like what society considers to be an "asshole." You're not really being an asshole - you're just defeating her shit test.

electron_wrangler · 2013-11-19T21:20:53+00:00

tl;dr version?

2013-11-19T22:24:12+00:00

I agree with most of what you said but I think the reason why she thinks you're nice guy is because of something else rather than this girl friends thing you said. If you straight out insult a person in some kind of way they assume you're putting all your hate(or whatever negative feeling) in your insult. So if you tease her she thinks that's all the bad things you will do to her thus making her feel comfortable. To put it in a metaphor: When you encounter a predator and it attacks you and it just kinda scratches you you feel relieved because when predators attack they use all their power. So you get relaxed when it doesn't really hurt you because you could easily defeat it. So if there is an insult the brain get's into defense mode. When it realized that the insult wasn't threatening it gets out of defense mode and the person gets relaxed.
I'm not good at putting thoughts into words but I hope I made my point/theory clear.

sedditdee · 2013-11-19T19:17:37+00:00

A woman who says that she "wants a Nice Guy" is lying. She knows what she's saying. It's not true, never has been and most likely never will be.

The line "I'm looking for a Nice Guy" or "I just want someone is nice" is a tactic that she uses to distinguish the so-called Beta Male provider type (who she can depend on to buy her things) who she can and probably will cheat on at least once during their relationship (she can also redefine "cheating" to mean anything that flatters her ego). She sorts the Beta Male and treats him very differently compared to the so-called Alpha Male (who she wants sex from).

Many women are prone to "sexual mercenary"-type behavior like the "I Want a Nice Guy" game that they learn from competing with other women (see a recent New York Times article on the topic titled "A New Cold War Fought by Women" (click here)).

See also a blog entry on the same topic that you might find useful (click here).

It's fairly simple once you learn to see the girls' perspective without needing to descend into dissection of each and every tactic (validation, reverse-validation, passive-aggressivity, etc.). If you get too far into psychoanalyzing her every move, you'll probably end up as neurotic as she is -- and you'll find women who conform to the model of neurosis that you're carrying around in your head. Instead, keep your theorizing as simple as possible to avoid the traps of trying to figure out what she "really means" (which is the same kind of obsessive nit-picking that most men despise when dealing with women).

CerberusN9 · 2013-11-19T19:07:02+00:00

nothing wrong to lie to yourself to boost your self-confidence to make the move.

DooleyBoyDooleyBoy · 2013-11-19T21:54:18+00:00

Wait hold on... this EXACT post, and I mean word for word, was posted to /theredpill 8 hours ago! By a different user! What's going on OP?!

nobody2000 · 2013-11-19T22:04:08+00:00

Why do people make this concept so fucking complicated?

WOMEN WANT NICE GUYS. Don't think for a second that this isn't true.

HOWEVER - if your most notable quality is that you're "nice"...then you lose.

If you're so uninteresting, but nice, and someone has to use that word to describe you, you lose.

It's as simple as that. If you're charming, teasing, quick on your feet - it all ties to charisma, and you'll be described accordingly. If you're a dick, you'll be described accordingly. If you're a limp noodle, but you're nice, you'll be described accordingly.

Stop overthinking it. Stop the fucking walls of text.

NICE IS GOOD. But by itself, it's worthless.

2013-11-19T22:24:10+00:00

I thought OP posted an enjoyable correlation.

2013-11-19T22:41:34+00:00

What I've personally learned is that a woman wants a nice AND CONFIDENT guy. Usually the nice guy sets her up on the pedestal and complains and the girl becomes turned off. A confident nice guy shows his intention from the start, banters with the girl, and considers them as equals.

erikangstrom · 2013-11-20T00:18:17+00:00

I've literally never heard any real life woman say she wants a nice guy. I've heard then say they want a hot guy, a funny guy, a sarcastic guy, a nerdy guy, but no one days they want a nice guy. I feel like that's just simmering we see in romantic comedies and stand up so often we start having false memories about it.

2013-11-20T02:48:33+00:00

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pressthebuttonfrank · 2013-11-20T01:07:29+00:00

"A nice guy" = someone who will beat them, rape them, and generally treat them like sh1t. Seem it far too mamy times.

Title	What women mean when they say they want a nice guy.
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	171
Comments	98
Date	November 19, 2013 6:16 PM UTC (12 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/1qzra4/what_women_mean_when_they_say_they_want_a_nice_guy/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/what-women-mean-when-they-say-they-want-a-nice-guy.1361775 https://theredarchive.com/post/1361775

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