Why are many of us afraid of women?

ithearrow · 2015-02-08T05:48:14+00:00

You aren't used to doing it. It gets easier over time just like anything else. Its also because you aren't in the moment and aren't enjoying yourself. A common mindset that helps me when I approach women is to think about only them, and that overthinking, being nervous and being shy is a selfish mindset. I make it about them, not me. Rather than thinking about how you feel about that person, think about how awesome you can make them feel.

ilovethosedogs · 2015-02-08T07:08:13+00:00

You are afraid of rejection not women.

Edgar_Allan_Rich · 2015-02-08T09:43:11+00:00

A few reasons why I used to be afraid of women, all having to do with human observation (or a lack thereof):

Bearing witness to the cruelty of my classmates as a child. Children can be extremely cruel to one another (often without realizing it), and its hard to forget playground dynamics as you grow into a young adult. It can make romance seem harder than it should be since we are very impressionable as children.
Bearing witness to the cruelty of the small percentage of adults who simply never grow up, thus reinforcing the idea that romance is harder than it should be. Some people are just dicks, but as adults we learn to accept that and move past them.
Spending a lot of time with female friends. They are just as shallow as we are, which can be unsettling until you grow up and realize that that is well within their rights as human beings (of course). As we mature we learn to cope and "play the game" instead of being butt-hurt about it like the "nice guys" do.
Media. In general we spend more time watching fictional women than we do interacting with real women, which is stupid. On top of that, Hollywood gives just about the worst advice possible when it comes to dating.

They're just people. Treat them as such while maintaining self-respect and you'll never have issues.

MetalPUA · 2015-02-08T06:34:23+00:00

For most of human history, boys were raised mainly by their mothers for the first few years of their lives, after which they'd start spending their days with their fathers who would teach them how to farm, hunt, work, and become a provider and a protector for their family.

Post-WWII, Western civilization changed to an industrial society. Boys no longer work on the farm with their father when they get old enough because their fathers work in factories and offices. Boys spend their first few years being raised by their mothers, and then they start going to school where most of the teachers are women. So we are a generation of men who have been raised by women. The average man has spent his entire childhood being conditioned to seek female approval. This is why you are scared of rejection, and this is why approach anxiety exists. Learning how to feel good about yourself without seeking female approval is something that most men have to work on.

PowerSeductionWar · 2015-02-08T10:39:56+00:00

Because you don't know who you are.

When you don't know who you are, another person can dictate how you feel about yourself.

When another person can change the way you feel about yourself, you will get shy/nervous because you don't want them to possibly take away from your self-image.

time_and_again · 2015-02-08T08:52:12+00:00

I think in those other situations, you know what to do and you just execute: play a song, recite the speech, read the script, etc. The presence of a crowd rarely affects what you have to do. With girls, it's a constant back and forth and you're highly aware of how they're reacting. It's also different every time, so even if you could Groundhog Day your way through a perfect conversation, it wouldn't apply to the next girl. And like MetalPUA said, we don't often have the upbringing to guide us, so we have to figure it out from scratch.

I think improv or stand-up comedy might have similar skillsets, could be worth checking out. Barring that, I suppose that's partly why inner game has taken off.

masterplan2020 · 2015-02-08T11:06:07+00:00

Simple: cuz you haven't done it much!

Do you drive? Imagine yourself getting in a car and trying to drive for the first time. How did it feel? How does that feeling from early days of driving contrast with your feeling from driving today?

The good news is, approaching feels like pain initially. But then you hit a point where you begin enjoying it. This often happens before you have any great success. At that point, you become like me where I find myself addicted to talking to girls. I have to literally control myself from talking to girls as much so it doesn't fuck up other parts of my life.

Sedditor829 · 2015-02-08T10:25:42+00:00

I wouldn't overthink this answer. I'd say it's pretty straightfoward, something as simple as it being because we're different than them. They have different parts and shapes and it's confusing. Then we get all this really shitty inaccurate info on "what women want" from movies, porn, our mysoginistic uncle, etc. and it fucks with us. We freak out, we can't possibly be all that! And from there without a big dose of awareness we just look for things that prove what we believe.

neoshadowdgm · 2015-02-08T22:17:11+00:00

There are a lot of reasons, but one I've come to notice lately is that (conventionally) attractive women do not get me and vise versa. All of the guys and all of the girls I meet that aren't crazy attractive get sarcasm, jokes, discussion about this and that... The stereotypical hot chicks just get confused or think I'm an idiot because they're misinterpreting what I'm talking about. And on top of that, they seem to have this attitude that they're God's gift to the world and I'm nothing. When I meet normal people they smile and engage me and take an interest. When I meet hot chicks they seem offended that I would think I'm good enough to talk to them. I always feel judged (in a negative way) and like I've lost brain cells when I talk to them, so I've mostly just given up.

2015-02-09T03:28:21+00:00

This is a great question, I'm a musician as well! I totally get your comparison. Here's my perspective on it..

We're not afraid of women, we're afraid of rejection, damaging our ego, and getting an end result that's not what we want. I think a lot of this has to do with the idea we wrap around dating to that suggests "if you don't have a girlfriend/not getting laid you're a loser" and no one wants to be a loser.

It's sort of like going on a crazy roller coaster at an amusement park (personally, I hate roller coasters and thrill rides. I get sick on them and they scare the shit out of me). You're standing in line thinking "Fuck this looks scary, I don't know if I want to go on." When you're going up the first drop and you look down at the top, you're saying in your head "WHY THE FUCK DID I DO THIS HOLY SHIT" But next thing you know, the ride's over, you're alive, and it was a pretty thrilling two minutes that you don't regret at all.

Once you go on a lot of roller coasters (or talk to a lot of women) you don't get scared anymore (or not as much at least), you ENJOY the thrill. You happily pay X amount of dollars to experience this thrill that once gave you crippling anxiety.

Talking to women and dating is just like any other thing in life. DO IT A LOT. FUCK UP A LOT. LEARN AS YOU GO and eventually you improve. It's just like when you first picked up your instrument and couldn't even play simple chords or a 4/4 beat, over time with practice and determination you got better and better, now you're playing shows with your band!

agumonkey · 2015-02-08T12:54:59+00:00

Wrong point of view on the interaction. You're afraid because you wanna prove something (to you, the other, or both).

RenegadeMuso · 2015-02-08T12:56:29+00:00

We fear what we do not understand. To phrase it differently, we fear what we haven't got experience with.

With that said, I fear women as well. However, it is high time that I get over it.

Kudos to you for being a musician. I'm a hobbyist guitarist. I am 29 years old and sometimes I think that the music ship has sailed for me, but then again, I have been playing for 11 years...so I understand enough. I need to figure out how to make money (not alot but enough to survive and go back to school to study music). This is what I want.

Time to do it.

Terakahn · 2015-02-08T15:09:06+00:00

I know for me it was because I put WAY too much stock in their opinions of me. Like half my day could hinge on a bad interaction. This will sound ego driven, but if they don't want my company it's their loss. I know how awesome I am and so do all my friends.

Qix213 · 2015-02-08T20:57:41+00:00

It's something different. Its a skill that you know you don't have. Failure is very likely.

But at the same time being good with women is part of what society (including we ourselves) defines and being a man.

So that rejection hits hard when it's internally viewed as making you less of a man.

Fear of rejection, translates to fear of those that have the power to reject you.

This is why becoming outcome independent is so important. Losing that fear makes you more attractive and in turn less likely to be rejected in the first place.

Tough part is truly believing this stuff. It's very hard for me to actually think this way, even though I know it to be true.

dodged_that_one · 2015-02-08T23:17:53+00:00

I'm not afraid of women, I am afraid of the pain and humiliation of getting my heart publicly ripped from my chest and trodden on in stilettos in return for putting myself in a vulnerable situation.

Not giving a shit is a bit of a work in progress for me. I care too much.

2015-02-08T23:21:42+00:00

I'd guess you're thinking too much about wanting to bed her and putting too much pressure to not fuck that up. Stop thinking in those terms. Go out to have a good time with people, not to just pick up chicks. Take women off the pedestal and just talk because you feel like talking to people.

AriaLayton · 2015-02-09T21:09:25+00:00

But we're so nice!

mennowin · 2015-02-08T06:47:37+00:00

Question i asked myself today, we are supposed to procreate, why do we have AA, it is a big obstacle

2015-02-08T08:24:07+00:00

Because we don't know how to relax and stop judging ourselves. To much emphasize on being proactive and consequently someone your not. Be true. Be creative. Don't play the game you know doesn't work for you.

lepuma · 2015-02-08T13:09:52+00:00

Because when you play at a rock show, you aren't up against million years of evolution telling you that you need to spread your seed.

raxical · 2015-02-08T13:13:17+00:00

To be honest, we all know that women have an edge on men socially. This is well known.

http://www.webmd.com/balance/features/how-male-female-brains-differ

You are probably supposed to (evolutionarily) date younger women. And you shouldn't feel intimidated by someone 5 years younger than you. The intimidation probably comes from women that are older.

ThrowawayPUA · 2015-02-08T14:41:40+00:00

What's Inside A Girl? by The Cramps

Whoa, there's some things, baby, I just can't swallow
Mama told me that girls are hollow

What's inside a girl?
Somethin' tellin' me there's a whole another world

You gotta pointy bra, a ten inch waist
Long black stockings all over the place
Boots, buckles, belts outside
Whatcha got in there you tryin' to hide?

What's inside a girl?
Ain't no hotter question in a so-called civilized world

I can't help peekin'

Well, you can't see it by satellite and baby, that's cheatin'
The President's callin' an emergency meetin'
The King of Siam sent a telegram
Sayin', "Wop bop a loop a lop a lop boom bam"

What's inside a girl?
And I have somethin tellin' me there's a whole another world

Whatcha got, whatcha got, whatcha got in the pot?
Whatcha got, whatcha got, whatcha got in the pot?
In the bottom of your bottomless body pit
Oh baby, you got somethin' an' I gotta get it

Come on, baby, what's inside a girl?

Like a itty bitty baby takes apart his toys
Gotta find what's rilin' up the boys
Sugar and spice is just a bluff
You can tell me, baby, what is that stuff?

Come on, what's inside a girl?
That wavy gravy got my head in a whirl

Whatcha got, whatcha got, whatcha got in the pot?
Whatcha got, whatcha got, whatcha got in the pot?
In the bottom of your bottomless body pit
Oh baby, you got somethin' an' I gotta get it

Come on, baby, what's inside a girl?

Afdavis11 · 2015-02-08T15:16:57+00:00

I think it's because we feel guilt. We want to think of women as chaste virgins and we know our motives are focused on our own selfish desires. Desires we suspect she doesn't have, especially toward us.

What we often forget is that women want to be desired and enjoy relationships, companionship, and yes, even sex. If you do it right, women enjoy being flirted with. However, there is a barrier that gets put up between women and strangers that we might be breaking because of our impatience.

It's much better to wait a bit, build a little trust, get her over her self imposed walls, then approach. We know that women slowly develop feelings over time, but we don't really have an easy way to start everything into motion.

I think it's rooted in our guilt of approaching too early. Chances are we'll look foolish and no one wants to look foolish.

wifestealer19 · 2015-02-08T17:16:26+00:00

Nowadays, i dont really get nervous while im talking to a women, but i do get nervous when i have too perform/present something in public.

Do you get over this fear/anxiety by doing it a lot of times?

Chinaroos · 2015-02-08T18:59:40+00:00

Why do people fall in love?

Love is what makes people work together as a team for decades on end to raise children. Back in the day, that was what got you through famine, and plagues, and war. Just you and your family against the world. In good times and bad, even if there were things about each other you didn't like, you were a team together, against actual and present threats.

We don't have those kind of threats today. We don't have plagues and marauding bandits, at least in the western world. What is binding us together? What enemies are we facing together?

Not a whole lot. But human connection is a basic instinct. So you get dressed up and go to these horrible clubs and take a bunch of pills, maybe you go home with someone sometimes. After a while, "settling down" is something that you do not because you really need to, but because...well...that's just what happens.

Why?

We have retirement homes to care for us in our old age, anonymous hookups for our sexual urges, pets oftentimes replace children, work gets in the way of everything. Porn of any kind lets us act out our ideals of attraction in privacy.

What place is there for love?

We don't need it. I'll repeat that. Love is not neccesary, at least not for survival the way it once was. Instead, we treat love as luxury. It's a luxury that can't be directly bought with money, but indirectly through clothes, gym memberships, scents, and a mastery of social awareness.

You're shy because that 11/10 is a luxury you aren't sure you can afford. Maybe even deserve. You're nervous because a failure reveals a failure of you as a person and your social status. Not because she's stressed or tired or just had a death in her family. It's an enormous amount of pressure, and for what?

Seriously. For what reason? That's right, there is none.

Go talk to her. Get to know her. Make her feel like it's you and her against the world, together, just like how people used to be. She'll thank you for it

FictionalPoop · 2015-02-08T20:20:41+00:00

I thought i was scared of women too, but then i realised i was just an awkward person. Not socially awkward but awkward / clumsy in general.

brallipop · 2015-02-08T20:30:45+00:00

Piggybacking on this question, how many of the men here are their parents' only child, or were raised as the only child in their household? I am, and my folks worked so I entertained myself as a kid. Even now, I am most comfortable in quiet slow environments rather than vibrant, chaotic clubs and bars. It is much easier to talk with anyone these days, but I still find loud packed places intimidating and hard to break into

Moonbearcow · 2015-02-08T22:40:51+00:00

I see a lot of philosophical perspectives on why this occurs, but it could have something to do with the fact that maybe you're trying to fuck the girl your talking to and the fear of screwing up screwing them makes you nervous, this is why I find it easier to talk to girls I'm not so interested in and still feel anxious approaching girls I like.

Sizzleen · 2015-02-13T04:49:27+00:00

women do it as well. its human. but its also endearing so dont let some nerves stop you from going for it. we expect you to be nervous- if you arent, we may think you're insincere or a player

powertoold · 2015-02-08T08:21:25+00:00

Women have a way of reading our inner emotions and thoughts that men don't.

When we talk to women, we feel emotionally naked, afraid that they might see something ugly in our thoughts / actions / emotions. Men who aren't afraid of expressing their thoughts and emotions are usually better with women.

On the other hand, our manly interactions are usually logical and straightforward.

Suite_up · 2015-02-08T10:11:53+00:00

I'm not afraid of women. I've been in many relationships + two different poly relationships, almost every fort night I engage in intimate action with many women though not always sexual. I have had a tremendous amount of sex with highly sought after, young, horny women though I've had sex with less than 15 women (mostly due to being shallow and not wanting to put in the effort to seek already sought after women).

I'm not afraid of women, but I do not always feel comfortable with making them feel uncomfortable. I understand that at initial contact I may be thought of as just another guy who is trying to pick up, and possibly employing methods that seem domineering might work sometimes and fail others. However I do not want to ruin a women's night by adding to the pile of times she's been hit on by a guy. Instead, I prefer a friendly, innocuous conversation that may show our good traits. If there's a connection, maybe we hang out more until the sexual tension peaks and we kiss, fuck and perhaps start a relationship.

Though this isn't entirely compelling as it is quite a bit of work and most days I prefer to just stay in, watch movies and have a good wank rather than potentially shoddy sex.

Also, I prefer rough sex so if that's off the cards; I'm not overly interested.

Title	Why are many of us afraid of women?
Author	nihilist_assassin
Upvotes	129
Comments	90
Date	February 8, 2015 5:42 AM UTC (11 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/2v62la/why_are_many_of_us_afraid_of_women/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/why-are-many-of-us-afraid-of-women.1383582 https://theredarchive.com/post/1383582

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