Suddenly single at 31. How do I move forward knowing I likely won't get the partner or family I wanted?

ryder004 · 2024-06-08T22:21:31+00:00

No kids is a huge plus for you going back into the dating scene. Lots of men would take a childless 32 yo woman over a 26 yo with children and a baby daddy.

Wife_and_Mama · 2024-06-08T23:32:03+00:00

My husband has repeatedly told me that being childless put me in a category above most of the other women he met online. If you're relatively attractive, I think your biggest issue is going to be this fear of being alone. Maintain your appearance and actually get out there and make an effort to meet men, whether that's at church, work, or online. Exclusively date men who want marriage and children. No one else gets a chance. Thirty-two isn't dead, nor is it infertile.

Business_babe_2 · 2024-06-08T22:42:02+00:00

In the end the way forward for you is to realize that despair and shame won’t help. It will not change the past or the present. You did what you did, and you are were you are right now. The future is still in play.

Will there be men who think you may be too old? Possibly. Will you have lesser options than five years ago? Probably. But despairing about that won’t get you closer to your goals of marriage and a family.

Keeping your head up. Learning from your mistakes. Vetting properly. Being aware of the time you spend on a person. And being aware of your biological clock and desires for the future. Those are the things that will get you somewhere. So, take some time for grief, learn, improve and move on.

CountTheBees · 2024-06-08T23:51:00+00:00

I think the worst mindset you could have is an "it's over" mindset, because you'll preemptively assume there's something wrong with the men you're meeting for them to be interested in you. That's shooting yourself in the foot, both in terms of under valuing good men and putting them off.

I'm very sorry your relationship ended. Take the time to grieve.

In case you need a fluffy pick-me-up, recently I saw this field report.

vintagegirlgame · 2024-06-09T08:50:47+00:00

Broke up w my ex (fiancé) of 12 years at 34 because he still “wasn’t ready” to start a family. Met my true soulmate at 35. Just had out baby at 36!

When you’ve been wanting something for a long time and you finally free yourself, it can come to you at record speed!

Ironically my ex ended up knocking up someone and became a parent before me… he says losing me was the worst mistake of his life. He knew he didn’t want children with this woman and also knew that I was the perfect mother/wife. She has made his life miserable.

ParticularDentist349 · 2024-06-09T10:08:59+00:00

I know a woman who ended a LTR at 33. She found a better man almost immediately and she's now pregnant.

emerald_e · 2024-06-09T08:20:29+00:00

I met my fiancé at 35, once I got serious about online dating.

Everything is still possible for you, if you date intentionally and put the effort in (it's a numbers game ultimately). Good luck!

RedPillDad · 2024-06-09T01:00:53+00:00

Is age 31 too old? Depends. The question "What do you bring to the table?" isn't just about assets, it's also about liabilities. Some people grow better with age, some don't.

Your broken relationship doesn't disqualify you. You were ready for a family, he wasn't. Maybe he found someone else. If he called you up and said he made a mistake, would you go back to him?

So a fresh start. Let's assume your target man is 35. His options are 1) playing with the younger fun girls or 2) finding someone more your age for something more serious. If he's out playing with the fun girls, steer clear.

You're not out of the game, you just can't compete for Chads in the fun girl category, which you don't want anyways. You're competing in the wifey category. You only have to find one good man to win.

Secure_Emu_2285 · 2024-06-09T14:16:12+00:00

Your life doesn't stop because your ex showed you who he really is. 31 is young. Go out and live life. Also while you're out dating don't automatically start romanticizing these guys they are potential not set in stone. Imagine you having a baby w your ex and him pulling this. Carefully plan your future your children's life is affected by whom you choose. Take your time. Most men aren't running to hop into commitment so don't push that on them or even mention it as the bad ones will use it as a tactic to exploit you for sex. Have fun get to know them and thoroughly vet them. Give yourself time to weed out who doesn't align. I know it hurts from experience and I was done way worse and with kids in the equation. Block and delete that ex and even if you are crying feeling down or sad never speak to him again. If he valued you he would not have left. Keep the door closed better is waiting on the other side. Actions not words actions. Make them prove themselves first.

PreciousMuffn · 2024-06-09T00:15:41+00:00

Hi! Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone...

I got divorced at 32 after 10 yrs of marriage and 12 yrs together (he was unfaithful multiple times and also had a porn/sex addiction). I felt shame that I was a divorce statistic mostly... didn't plan on having kids and hadn't discovered RPW yet.

Despite the amicable divorce, it was CRUSHING. I jumped into a relationship with a guy I'd been friends with who introduced me to RPW, but ultimately we weren't compatible (he wanted kids and was still figuring out his life and finances) A year after my divorce, I threw myself into renovating a townhouse I purchased. It was the first time I'd been well and truly single since I was 17...and my family support is on the other side of the US. I despised being alone.

I cried a lot

I kept remodeling - a lot including total demo of the kitchen was done on my own and with help of friends

I started therapy

I journaled daily for awhile

I got a cat for the first time in 10 years and made sure she was very affectionate

I made the decision to start stepping out of my comfort zone and "dating myself" by not limiting my experiences waiting around for companionship or doing whatever a partner wanted. I'd been wanting to go to a particular restaurant, so I finally did. I wanted to take a trip to the redwoods, so I did. Movies...check. It was awkward at first, but also empowering and healing.

I finally got to a point of finally accepting and enjoying singlehood... filling my time with things and people I enjoyed...and 3 weeks later I bumped into my 2nd husband.

I was 33 almost 34 and he was 41 with an almost 9 yr old daughter. Granted I knew him from previous years ago (he ironically used to date my ex husband's sister years prior) but I hadn't seen them in a long time and we clicked. He absolutely LOVED that I didn't have or even want more kids and could tag along and do things with just him or with my stepdaughter when we had her.

He also loved (and still does) that I'm capable, adventurous, appreciative, culturally adaptable (they're Chinese/Taiwanese), a hard worker, amiable, supportive, mature, etc.

We got engaged 2.5 yrs later, and shortly thereafter discovered I was pregnant at age 36 (I'd been told this was near impossible without medical intervention due to PCOS but never plannedtohavechildrenso wasn't bothered). So despite our wedding being canceled due to COVID, we still eloped and now have a 3.5 yr old and 15.5 yr old.

So here's the thing... I'm a big proponent of the belief of "what you think about, you bring about." Even when I was crying my eyes out with loneliness and grief, I was still praying for and thinking about the relationship I wanted... where I was cherished, sexually satisfied, and had a partner that wanted to do all the things with me. Then I started taking steps to BE a partner that would attract such a man. Age is a number, but if you take care of yourself physically and mentally and don't limit yourself, you will suddenly find there are many men that are attracted to you.

It was exhilarating to me as I'd never had that experience before, and I felt powerful in a way. You just have to continue to vet properly. You will be ok! :)

purple_popsicles · 2024-06-09T19:46:37+00:00

I recommend reading Mary Him, The Case for setting for Mr Good enough. It’s written by a women in her 40s who explains all the advantages a women dating in her 30s has. The title is tongue and cheek. The book is exactly what you need

sandstonexray · 2024-06-09T23:34:23+00:00

Plenty of great comments already, but I just want to re-iterate: you realistically have an entire decade to get the family you want. Sure, maybe your situation isn't the best of all possibilities, but that's life and everyone else is dealing with their own problems too. I would list off all the stupid decisions I made and how much time and money I wasted on them but I have an appointment next week I can't miss.

VasiliyZaitzev · 2024-06-09T02:20:45+00:00

So, you are not 31, you are 30-wonderful.

Ok, so here's how to salvage things - and no, all is not lost:

A. Do everything you can to get/stay in shape and improve/maintain your looks.

B. Look for a guy from 40 to 45. Younger is ok too, but you will always look young to a guy in that age range.¹

C. Remember the "4 Fs" - Fit, Fun, Feminine and Friendly.

¹ And yeah, I get it, my 2 main solutions are always "date older" and "introduce light bondage into the bedroom", but is it my fault that those things work?

Maleficent-Brief-178 · 2024-06-08T22:40:51+00:00

Age aside Lots and lots of men look for partners that can maintain healthy long-term and stable relationships

As for having children that's a biological conceptualization not a relationship one meaning you always likely to have one with someone else as you were with your previous partner

As a female in my '30s who has sworn off having children at a very young age I have never found it biologically pressing to find a committed long-term partner and there for I've never found it to challenging

AutoModerator · 2024-06-08T21:56:10+00:00

Title: Suddenly single at 31. How do I move forward knowing I likely won't get the partner or family I wanted?

Author Novel-Property7750

Full text: My boyfriend and I broke up about a month ago. He moved across the country without including me in the move. When I confronted him about this, he said he wasn't sure he saw a future with me and that it would be best to end things.

I feel devastated - I loved him. I want to get married. I want to have a family. But I'm almost 32 and now I have to start over. Will any decent men want me at this age? Even if they do, won't I just feel like I'm running to try to beat the clock and have a child? that seems like a terrible way to start a relationship.

I also feel shame. Shame for not realizing my ex would do this and not having seen that he wasn't serious about me. Shame for not having been enough for him to want something more serious with me. Shame for having wasted my "best" years - I was attractive, kind, smart, and loyal. I squandered all of that in my youth when I could have found a great man. It is hard not to despair.

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Fun_Bat_1579 · 2024-06-10T01:25:43+00:00

You are currently speaking from a place of heartbreak and disappointment. But soon you will regain your confidence. Focus on yourself, your mind, and your body. Eat well, exercise, read books, do things that will make you a better you for you and for your future partner. When you feel like you are ready to hit the dating market again, maybe go for older guys. They tend to be more serious, future-oriented and financially stable.

The only way you would never enter a relationship is if you never try again.

WholeEnvironmental37 · 2024-06-10T21:01:36+00:00

Yes a decent man will want you as long as you’re realistic in who you are and what you want. Children may or may not be in the cards. God bless

Careless-String-5782 · 2024-06-11T15:47:14+00:00

35(M) I promise this ain’t as big of a deal as you think it is. There are plenty of men in the same boat as you. Here is my hinge prompt.

I’m 35 & want kids. If you have some & don’t want more 👌 On that, let’s take this as it comes, have fun, go on dates, trust in timing, see if our lives work together. I’m in no rush, but I know what I want. Chat over 🍸?

I rotate prompts but this one is always there. I’ve actually had a lot of women comment on my profile who said we won’t work because of the kids but it was nice to see someone being upfront with what they want.

The most important thing is be upfront, open and honest about your expectations and overall family life goals.

I think the most important thing for you at the moment is take 3-6 months for yourself. Figure out who are you outside of a relationship you’ve grown, matured and changed haha so get to know yourself. If a date happens great but that’s what I did when I was going through what you are.

You don’t need luck, you’ve got this!

Ok_Inevitable2015 · 2024-06-11T17:03:56+00:00

Most single men your age are finally getting settled into their careers and are financially stable for the first time in their life. This is the first time in their lives where they are seriously considering finding a woman to start a family with. I think you’re in good shape. It’s only a “race against the clock” if you make it that. You still have several years left.

Other-Sink3368 · 2024-06-13T17:20:33+00:00

If you are a traditional women & haven’t been the typical modern promiscuous women, you can possibly find a good man. Don’t give up.

angelicasinensis · 2024-06-09T00:24:58+00:00

32 is still young, youll likely be fine.

Sweatpant-Diva · 2024-06-09T02:57:24+00:00

Any chance you’re in WA I have a fantastic friend (I’m also 31 and married) and dating in general is just tough.

PrettyClothes4402 · 2024-06-10T22:10:37+00:00

At 30, I was engaged to a man from our church, having known his family since I was 7. He thought the 23 years of knowing me provided him with the "responsibility to deflower" (his words) me. To make a long, depressing story short, we broke up, I had to move away, so enrolled in a doctoral program, where I met my (now) husband of 8 years. He didn't care to know about my past, as "there's no way to change what happened. No matter what it is, as of right now, you have a clean slate. Only thing that we can make is the future. So, don't block choices by letting your past guide you." I was 33, he also.

While it my be "hard not to despair", take as long as you need to grieve. Your experience made you wiser. Being kind and loyal are a choice, smart grows with life experience.

Title	Suddenly single at 31. How do I move forward knowing I likely won't get the partner or family I wanted?
Author	Novel-Property7750
Upvotes	42
Comments	70
Date	June 8, 2024 9:56 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/1dbdv1e/suddenly_single_at_31_how_do_i_move_forward/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/suddenly-single-at-31-how-do-i-move-forward.1520974 https://theredarchive.com/post/1520974

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