I know this is a common topic, but this is a bit more complicated.

I (44M) was devastated by a divorce mid COVID. Total blindside after 15 years of marriage and three kids. Served papers by sheriff, thrown out of house by restraining order, accused of being an alcoholic, forced to test for alcohol and drugs in the state court system (passed all tests for 10 months with flying colors), court supervised time with my kids for those ten months… lost everything in the divorce except my house. Now back to having my kids 50% of the time.

A couple months into dealing with this, I met a girl (39F). At first I thought it would just be a rebound like two other girls I briefly dated after the divorce, but she was different…We have an incredible amount in common. We both have family from the same part of our state, we both graduated from the same college five years apart, we are both singers and perform together all the time, we are both the glue that holds our friend group together (friends and relationships matter to us and we enjoy entertaining). We have lived together for two years, we both work out of the house everyday, and we are not sick of each other. She’s also stunningly gorgeous, rocking body, funny, smart, generous, and a constant sounding board and support system for me.

I was also laid off a year after I met her. She was nothing but supportive. I have three kids and she is an amazing parental figure to them, even though she has no kids and has never been married. They absolutely LOVE her. They look up to her as a parent and as a model of a professional woman (she has a great job). She’s a natural with my kids, and has expressed to me that she always wanted kids of her own, but never found the right guy.

Speaking of finding the right guy…. A few weeks ago we were out with another couple. The three of them were drinking, I was stone cold sober (divorce legalese was reignited after my lay off and new job, and I can take zero chances), and the subject of body count came up. My count is 14, including her…. 12 before my ex, and then her. My Dad always taught me that women are the keepers of the sex and the men are the contributors of the commitment, which eventually leads to sex. I’ve known guys that are in the 200s, and I was never shy about calling them man sluts, so I don’t honor the double standard (stud vs slut). Anyway, we all answered, but she refused. A few days later, I brought it back up (wish I hadn’t) in the context of “if we’re discussing marriage, we need to be honest”.

I’m number 118. One Hundred and Eighteen.

She kept a physical list, and her childhood friends did the same (which she says she deleted after we were together because she knew I was the one). It’s like she thinks she’s Samantha from Sex and the City. She says the dating apps have changed the dating narrative since the iPhone came out in 2007 (the year I met my ex wife) and her being a young professional and living in a studio apartment in the city and going on lots of dates was just what people did. She agrees that her number is high, but she was always safe and tested, but obviously can’t change the past. She says she’s with me now, and that’s what matters and if I hadn’t been married for 15 years my number would be way higher and this would not be an issue.

I was absolutely traumatized. I still am. I’ve asked close confidants who I know in my professional life (they will most surely never meet her) and most of them have said that’s a high number, but it’s not off the charts. Two close female friends in similar situations, relationship status, and age were honest about their numbers and each reported numbers of 40-50 and 70-80 partners respectively. They were both married at 36.

The more I digest this, I feel four things:

1.) Heartbroken. For me and for her. She says she was looking for men to love her and for one to eventually become a husband and she thought dating (which apparently means sleeping with) lots of guys would accomplish that. She admits she has Daddy issues. I’ve met her Dad. He divorced her mother when she was five, and was cheating with her now stepmother. The guy is just a cold dude. No other way to put it. She also had weight loss surgery in 2015, and she dropped 65-70 pounds. That made guys take notice, and it was like she was liberated.

2.) Inadequacy. Definitely some of my own ego problems going on here… the ability to compete with her experience level and the sheer number of penises she’s seen and all the size differentials that comes with that. Can I satisfy her? How do I stack up?

3.) Fear of her bolting if/when our relationship gets hard. If she’s bedded that many dudes in the past what’s to stop it in the future? She SWEARS that with all of this dating and promiscuity, she has never ever once cheated on someone she was in an exclusive relationship with, however she has admitted that when a relationship ended, she would binge on guys for a few weeks (as an example she threw out 6 or 7 guys in a month after ending a relationship of six months).

4.) Just generally skeeved out. The reasons for this are the same as why I would never date a stripper. Is nothing sacred when it comes to her body and intimacy?

Am I just behind the times? Did we just live different lives? If I had found this out two months in, I probably would have bolted. If I had never known this, I would not have thought twice about putting a ring on it. Now, my head is telling me all the good things she’s done and how happy I am with her and how much I love her….. but because I love her my heart is hurting and disappointed and telling me something else. I guess I just don’t know that that something else is.

I know that’s a lot, and I’m expecting some sarcastic comments, but hopeful to get some honest feedback here too.

Thanks very much.