My boyfriend doesn't want me at his girl best friend's birthday party

Wife_and_Mama · 2024-06-13T15:42:38+00:00

There's a fantastic episode of The Mindy Project where Mindy Kaling realizes she's the side chick in the romantic comedy where the guy falls for his female best friend on Valentine's Day.

This is weird, at best. Men don't have sleepovers with their gal pals and tell their girlfriends they can't come along. At least faithful men in exclusive relationships don't.

ashley8976 · 2024-06-13T14:25:56+00:00

a two night sleepover bday party ? 😬 would he let u go to a guys bday party that was like this? it’s normal to be weary of it.

Deliaallmylife · 2024-06-13T16:01:35+00:00

When you discuss this or something like it, take the focus off of trust. Tell him instead that your feelings are hurt and you are feeling left out. He can't argue with these points and he can't be upset that "you don't trust him".

As for this situation, it is a vetting opportunity. You now know that he doesn't have boundaries around male/female relationships. You know that he's not willing to step out of line to bring you along. And since he's obviously going to this thing, you will see whatever fall out comes from the event.

You get to decide what you want in a partner. It isn't all about making nice so that he wants you. It is also about making sure he's suitable for your needs. After this is all over, you will want to keep it in the back of your mind and see if there are any untenable behaviors that you see repeating (ex: to me his disregard for your feelings here is something you'll want to "follow up on" by seeing if it happens in other ways or if this was a one off).

Jenneapolis · 2024-06-13T16:22:37+00:00

Besides the sleeping over part, what stood out for me was that there was a problem between this woman and his ex. What that tells me is his friendship with this woman is a problem. And it doesn’t sound like he learned anything from his past relationship that he plans to fix with you in regards to how he manages this friendship.

lovesheavyburden · 2024-06-13T17:14:51+00:00

“They’re all going” but literally it’s just your boyfriend and L.

…

He’s not a HVM. And it is extremely fishy.

teammeli · 2024-06-13T14:41:40+00:00

girl come on

fossacecak · 2024-06-13T18:27:23+00:00

You've already gotten some good responses on here, but I want to chime in and say that I wasted a year on (what I thought was) a valuable man who had a female best friend that previous ladies allegedly were crazy or insecure about. I now see this as a red flag. Like another commenter said, even if said ex truly was that way, something he did likely made her that way.

Your boyfriend is showing you that he doesn't have the right boundaries with other women, doesn't value your feelings, reduces your concerns to you lacking trust, and anything that goes wrong will be pinned on "Well, TheCuriousOtter_7 was just another jealous gf who hated my best friend! Why can't I find a girl who is cool with her!"

You're not wrong for your feelings.

I highly suggest searching this sub for a topic called "forbidden fruit". I've found it incredibly helpful to change my mindset about things like other women and temptations, and change how I outwardly handle things. For example, I used to get very uncomfortable around a bf if there was a strikingly beautiful woman nearby. Now, I make it obvious that she is very pretty and I point her out. It takes away the power of the forbidden fruit and fearing that my partner would see her and wish he was with a goddess like her. The forbidden fruit lesson shows us that sometimes when we act out of insecurity it can push our partner right into the arms of the person or situation we feared.

I'm not saying you're acting out of insecurity, but one avenue you can choose to take is the avenue of "Wow, your best friend is amazing and beautiful. I can see why any guy would have a crush on her." See what his response is, reflect on it, note how it makes you feel. I do this kind of thing with my fiance and how he responds always makes me feel great.

If you don't want to make a decision right now, that's reasonable and you don't have to nuke your relationship right this moment. You can take some time to reflect on how these interactions have gone. You can let him go and see what the end result is. Like others have said, you're still vetting this man. When the end result is marriage, you have to remember that how things are now is a peak into the future with this man. Don't get involved with someone who you wish would majorly change.

Side note - IMO, you shouldn't be wearing a ring after 3 months. Wearing a ring signifies to the outside world that you're officially taken off the market, and who would do that after only 3 months? Only someone truly worthy of your dedication, who has graduated your vetting process, deserves to take you off the market.

Maybe I am an old lady, but that's how I see it.

Sorry to rant! Good luck with everything, however things go! I hope you find a way to navigate this.

RatchedAngle · 2024-06-13T14:26:45+00:00

If your goal is to pursue a traditional relationship with a HVM, I would question the values of a man who thinks it’s appropriate to attend a multi-day birthday party with a female friend. Would he be okay if you did the same with a male friend?

The party is technically two days Friday wine tasting at a winery, Saturday bar hopping and they're all supposed to sleep at her/her parents house.

This all seems very excessive. The amount of alcohol consumption, the expensive activities (bars and wine tasting are not cheap)…all of it reeks of irresponsibility to me.

The best men, the ones who are most ideal for a relationship, are focusing their time on working and building wealth. They aren’t going on benders for a female friend’s birthday party. Don’t get me wrong: drinking a few shots on your 21st is fine. But at the end of the day, alcohol is poison. It makes you sick. And I have a sneaky feeling this weekend is going to end up filled with drama.

I’d bail at 3 months. Him and his friend group seem like partiers. Not a good demographic to settle down with, especially in your prime.

traceyyhart · 2024-06-13T15:46:21+00:00

OP do what you feel is best but this would be a huge no for me. He can go and support her and come back home for the night.

I understand trust is important but something I’ve noticed is that men will use that keyword just to shut you down about having an issue with what they’re doing.

I would also take the fact that his ex had an issue with his girl best friend as a sign lmao. I’ve dated men with female friends and have gotten along with them unless i was given a reason not to. Something seems off.

CranberrySoftServe · 2024-06-13T15:53:26+00:00

"He just wants L and I to get along."

But he won't let you go to his girl best friend's 2 night sleepover birthday party? Like Teammeli said, girl... come on.

It's been 3 months. You're still in the vetting stage. The fact that he is unwilling to take your feelings into account regarding him doing something that is very reasonable to feel uncomfortable about is... not good. He is showing you that your reasonable feelings will likely not be taken into account regarding decisions for your future household. Do you want that?

bluejeanblush · 2024-06-13T20:50:11+00:00

Are you sure the ex was crazy? Looking at this as an outsider, I see that your bf has only known this girl for a year and the friendship has somehow caused friction in two of his relationships. That’s concerning. I agree with the other commenter that it’s strange he was prioritizing a new female friend over a girlfriend.

Personally, it is always a red flag to me when a man or woman pretend to be unaware of the weirdness they are causing through inappropriate relationships with the opposite sex. No logical human would hear this and feel totally OK with it, yet he’s getting in his feelings about how you don’t trust him enough.

pinkparadigm · 2024-06-13T18:11:26+00:00

HUGE no. Plain and simple. Yes, you’ve been dating a short time, but this is also the time when you set the precedent. Also, he hasn’t known her for that long either.

A friendship of 1 year? Meaning when he was with his ex, there was all this drama over a girl he met right around the same time as her? Think about that…why was he prioritizing a friend he just met over the woman he’s dating? AND doing it again! If this was a lengthier friendship I’d be more understanding but it’s very concerning he’s only known her for a year and he’s this protective over his friendship with her since the very beginning.

Beginning-Ad-4047 · 2024-06-13T21:57:09+00:00

I know this is the RPW subreddit but it’s too disrespectful.

Marissa_Smiles · 2024-06-13T17:49:07+00:00

Not sure why you weren’t originally invited, but I think you should absolutely be added in. Your boyfriend is essentially going to a party where he doesn’t know anyone. Im sure him asking L if you can go wouldn’t be a big deal. Also the only way you and L are going to be friends is if you hang out with each other. If he has a problem including you or not going then you might want to reevaluate the situation.

Pursuinghobbies · 2024-06-13T21:39:39+00:00

I always find it a red flag when a guy says his ex was crazy. I’m not even talking about this situation, but people who are healing or growing and are trying to be better people, they would never describe their ex as crazy. In fact given your situation, I would say his ex had lots of reasons to be upset. One time, a guy I was talking to told me his ex was crazy come to find out he was cheating on her, and his family was pissed and still talks and hangs out with this girl to this day.

Top-Break6703 · 2024-06-13T16:01:14+00:00

On one hand, I don't think it's that strange that he's not taking you to a birthday party when it's still a pretty new relationship.

On the other hand, the birthday party and friendship as a whole sounds suspicious. Not that he's crossing any lines now (though he could be), as much as it's going to create issues down the road. How does he feel about having opposite sex friends when you're engaged/married? How do you feel about it? Is he willing to back off on the friendship as you become more serious?

Personally, I wouldn't be comfortable with my husband having a friendship like that. I would soooooo not be down with an overnight trip with another woman who was not a relative (or like older pseudo-relative, like "mom's best friend that I call my aunt who helped raise me" not "we grew up together! we're practically cousins/siblings!" Not because I would think he's cheating, (well actually I would because that would go against what my husband has previously stated his morals were) but because it just flies too close to the sun. A man going on an overnight trip with another woman doesn't look good, and it puts them both potentially in a number of vulnerable positions. It's invites more risk into the relationship that I'm willing to take. I can also 100% guarantee you that if I asked my husband about if he would be comfortable with me doing something like this, his response would be a strong NO. I also did go on an overnight trip with a male friend and it went very badly so this is talking from experience.

At the end of the day, though, it's also your life. You have to make your own choices about it.

SeeeVeee · 2024-06-13T18:39:58+00:00

Overnight? And he didn't ask if you could attend? Not saying he's cheating, from your description probably not, but at the very least it demonstrates very odd boundaries. I'd be shocked if he'd be okay if you wanted to do something like this.

Very weird. Not saying you have to throw a tantrum but maybe it's time to be clear about boundaries. There's no good reason for him not to take you if this is such an important event to him. If he can't be reasoned with about something as straightforwardly and obviously weird as this, it's not a great sign.

DropFun5139 · 2024-06-14T00:49:59+00:00

Girl……you already know what this is. Cut him loose or expect more of this in the future.

Edit: as his partner, you and your feelings should be top priority. He may have known her longer but your position in his life requires you to take precedence. This is totally unacceptable and he is disrespecting your feelings in favor of another woman’s feelings.

HappyGarden99 · 2024-06-13T18:45:25+00:00

You say they’re all going except they are not all going - your boyfriend and another woman are going out drinking, followed by a sleepover, and his response to your feelings are he wants you to trust him. You don’t need to communicate better, you don’t need to get along with another woman, you don’t need to trust him. Babe I’m sorry, this little boy is a waste of your time.

Simpleflower999 · 2024-06-13T20:17:21+00:00

This a big no go

Reasonable_Tie_132 · 2024-06-14T00:41:14+00:00

When relationships grow closer to marriage, the people involved have to grow too. Your significant other is entitled to his friends, but if he wants to make you his wife one day he has to respect your feelings and boundaries and be willing to compromise. Bringing you is a good idea. If he’s not willing to because he doesn’t want to ask this woman if he can bring a plus one, not staying the night is the second best compromise. A man with a serious girlfriend he’s making plans with shouldn’t be sleeping over at his female friends house. If he’s not willing to compromise, this would be a red flag for me about priorities. I would never tell my husband he can’t have a female friend, but as his wife I would expect he chooses me and my boundaries and my needs over his friends every time. I understand you aren’t married yet, but how he reacts to this situation could be pretty telling.

sunshinelive09 · 2024-06-13T17:15:15+00:00

I mean this in the nicest way possible but yall should probably break up. He doesn’t respect you enough to skip the sleepover and you are too insecure to allow him to have friendships outside of the relationship.

You’ve said nothing is fishy about their relationship and I can’t attest to how true that is but one I’ve learned how to deal with is that everyone who was in my man’s life before me, gets to stay, including female friends. It’s unfortunate but you’ve gotta be fair.

If it does make me uncomfortable, I know to leave because I’ve been the homegirl to a guy who was in multiple relationships during the course of our friendship and he’s had sleepovers at my place. Nothing happened but I can’t say I didn’t like him. One of his girlfriends, whom he met through me, actually tried to fight me (luckily my homegirl beat her ass). In hindsight, nothing was happening but he did not respect his relationship. He did not have to stop being friends with me but he should’ve created boundaries. Your boyfriend is missing that one crucial part.

Lastly, if no one else is bringing a plus one, I don’t think him asking would’ve been a good idea. Plus she might have just wanted an intimate birthday celebration with just her friends. I definitely think there are other opportunities for you and L to get to know each other.

If you decide to stay with him, clearly communicate your boundaries and only give him one opportunity to cross it. If you allow him to get away with it once, he will do it again.

flexibleaspect · 2024-06-14T02:51:02+00:00

I'm a middle aged man. I'd never agree with a girl I'm dating spending the night with another male, unless it was her dad or brother. It's fine that you're not okay with your bf spending the night with another woman.

The fact that your bf got upset when you questioned the situation is a big red flag. If a woman did that to me, I'd demote her to non-exclusive status and start dating other women... or just dump her outright.

flower_power_g1rl · 2024-06-13T14:20:12+00:00

Well, let him go. If something happens, that just shows you who he is.

VasiliyZaitzev · 2024-06-13T17:11:09+00:00

Why does this sound like everyone’s in middle school?

TheCuriousOtter_7 · 2024-06-14T11:26:54+00:00

I'll be posting an update soon- there was a convo between me bf and L. No answer to what's happening yet. I'll update when we figure that out.

Scared-Tea-8911 · 2024-06-13T16:53:32+00:00

Hmm… so, my initial take is that he doesn’t see you as his “partner”. Yes, in most cultures when you invite someone to a multi-day drinking blowout, their spouses/long-term partners are invited. At only 3 months, your relationship does not yet have that status.

He may also want to slowly introduce you to his friend group, and a multiday drinking occasion may not be the best time to forge friendships… everyone will be drinking or drunk, it may be a weird high-pressure environment etc…

I would take it as a yellow flag and try to put it out of your mind, if you want to continue the relationship. Don’t ignore it; but also maybe don’t read too far into it if you otherwise trust him.

LongjumpingAd6169 · 2024-06-13T21:57:47+00:00

I think trust is earned not just extended to someone after 3 months of dating. You are his girlfriend and you are planning to move in together, which means you both consider this a serious relationship. If this is the case, and he still prioritizes having fun with another female over the valid concerns of his girlfriend, its a huge red flag imo. Especially if they’ve only been friends for a year. It could be that he wanted to date her and got friend-zoned for now, and that’s why he prioritizes her in his decision, and why he doesn’t want to bring you along. Of course, he would never admit to that, but his actions are at least pointing in that direction. Also, that previous girlfriends had a problem with it, crazy or not.

Personally, I would wait on the moving in part and vet him longer, have some hard conversations and see how open he is to your concerns. And a ring like that is not a real commitment, it’s the actions like this birthday you gotta watch and see where his commitment to you is.

Edit to add something: I was recently invited by friends to a birthday party and I was asked to not bring my boyfriend of almost 2 years. Our weekends together are sacred to us and I didn’t think I could go without hurting him when I tell him “sorry, you’re not invited”. I declined the invite. I am planning my life with this man, and I am prioritizing his well-being over some petty preferences friends have. My loyalty lies with my partner and I also felt they disrespected my relationship with wanting me to come alone.

AutoModerator · 2024-06-13T13:53:13+00:00

Title: My boyfriend doesn't want me at his girl best friend's birthday party

Author TheCuriousOtter_7

Full text: Let me start this out by saying I've had no bad vibes from the best friend I don't think there is any cheating going on. I fully trust her and my bf has they've given me no reason not to.

Side notes: They've been friends for about a year. We've been dating about 3 months now. The party is technically two days Friday wine tasting at a winery, Saturday bar hopping and they're all supposed to sleep at her/her parents house. My bf is thinking of only going Saturday.

There is a friend group that consists of P (M26) O (M20) C (M21 my bf) and L (F21)

They're all really close and its great that they all hang out all the time. It's L's bday weekend, her 21st. They're all going drinking. P and O are NOT going. L has strict parents and would be weird about P because of age difference and O because he's not legal to drink yet. C my bf is going. L is inviting other friends that my bf DOES NOT know. I was not invited to the birthday party and I'm a bit upset about it. I don't think anything is going on between them but I feel it's just kinda disrespectful. This can just be a bit of a culture thing but if I invited someone to an event of any sort their partner/spouse would also be welcome to come. When it was first brought up I was under an assumption that if I'm available I'll be tagging along. As time went on and the more it was brought up I realized my bf had absolutely no intentions of bringing me.

It's been digging at me so I decided to talk to my bf about it last night. The party is this weekend. When I brought it up my bf immediately was upset. He's not mad that I'm worried about it but his last gf was a bit crazy and created major problems with L. (I can confirm she is actually just crazy). He just wants L and I to get along. I like L, I think she's cool and I want to be friends with her. We just don't know each other very well. I found out he never even asked if I could go. This hurt me a bit more. And I finally got the plans of what the party entailed and that my bf intended on staying the night. I don't want to stop him from going. His response to all this was "I just want you to be able to trust me". Which I do. I'm also a bit hurt that this was his response to me being uncomfortable with the situation and didn't suggest anything to solve it. Just seems like he's sitting to the plan and leaving me in the dust about it.

I'm thinking about giving him the option of either seeing if I can go or just not staying the night and communicating to me better about where he is at and what he's doing. Otherwise I don't think I can get anymore comfortable with the whole situation.

I need thoughts/opinions/advice pls.

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lawyercatgirl · 2024-06-13T14:30:46+00:00

You’ve been dating a really short time. It’s not that strange that you wouldn’t be invited to the party. You said yourself that you don’t know her well and it’s her family’s house. You don’t have bad vibes from them, don’t think it’s cheating…. So honestly let it be. It’s two days. Go do something fun with your friends and live your life! I was insecure when I was your age and it led to a lot of unnecessary drama and heartbreak. Have a full life sans boyfriend and let him be the cherry on top. Your relationship and sense of self will be healthier for it.

Title	My boyfriend doesn't want me at his girl best friend's birthday party
Author	TheCuriousOtter_7
Upvotes	7
Comments	45
Date	June 13, 2024 1:53 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/1dezjfj/my_boyfriend_doesnt_want_me_at_his_girl_best/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/my-boyfriend-doesnt-want-me-at-his-girl-best.1521436 https://theredarchive.com/post/1521436

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