I need some input from divorced dads.

Zealousideal_Try_864 · 2025-04-25T14:29:10+00:00

We have split 50/50 legal/physical. It's about as amicable as Russia and Ukraine.

I live in the "better" school district but she enrolled our child in school without my consent. We live about 15 minutes apart (in different school districts). Going to tell you straight up though.....most courts aren't going to want to say that one school is "better" than another if the schools are in the same county.

Currently our child has his friends in both neighborhoods.

Hopefully they will be more and more involved with friends as they get older, that's part of social development. If they are with their friends, they are with neither of you.

I think that you are overthinking it. I have been doing this for almost two years now. In the beginning when they are young, their world is small. They will have their life in your neighborhood and your exes neighborhood. As they get older, their world gets bigger and the concept of being only 15 minutes away gets smaller.

VeteranEntrepreneurs · 2025-04-20T23:22:08+00:00

Pick the schools first, then decide where you will live. You are overthinking it. If you are putting your kids first, both of you decide on the best schools for your “family” and then you move to that school district. I lived in a separate district as my ex and she lived in a not as good district and both my kids in their 10th grade year wanted to go to school in my district and they have been super happy with the change but we live 20 minutes apart. Think about their teenage years, friends, boyfriends/girlfriends, extracurricular activities, work… live as close within comfort as your ex, you won’t regret it.

biscuts99 · 2025-04-20T21:41:54+00:00

Dude 15 to even 30 minutes is not too far away. It's still close enough to go to every event. My dad moved 1hr away and he still would show up to most events. Just depends on how nice your boss it.

dfb54749014 · 2025-04-20T04:43:38+00:00

15 minutes away is nothing depending on your work situation.

I bought a home 15-20 minutes away from my ex and the kid's schools for the same reason you're considering it. Price!

A comparable home close to her would have cost me $40-60K more. I just couldn't do it financially.

Now, back to my main point. I have to be at work at 6am. So the hardship for me and the kids is leaving the house at 5:15 when I have them, in order to get them to their Mom's for school. When they are with mom, they get to sleep in until 6:45, and I can sleep in until 5:25 instead of 4:50 when I have them.

So if getting up in the morning and making that drive works because you don't work until 8 or 9, or maybe from home. The 15 minutes will be easy and not affect you much. Do it and save yourself the money.

If you're like me... stay as close as possible that you can afford.

Impossible_Mode_7521 · 2025-04-20T02:03:28+00:00

Can you do a cash out refi for the current house and stay there?

Fun-Conference1361 · 2025-04-19T23:13:15+00:00

Hmm. Lots of variables. Every family is different. I lived 20mins away at start of divorce but worked 5 mins from schools. Now about an hour from kids but am 5 mins from new job. I work from their local library some days so can have lunch with, pickup, extra-curricular, etc. I know dads who have their kids 50/50 and sit on a their games/tv all day. Balance of quality and quantity. Advantage of renting is you can move as situation and market changes.

Bluetoes1 · 2025-04-19T16:53:29+00:00

The school won’t affect your relationship with your children. You meed to be there for them. You need to get them when it is your custody and be present for them when you have them.

When they get into their teens, things will change. Their independence will grow and they will spend less time with both parents. But you want them to come to you with what they need and want. That doesn’t have to do with the school. Be available to pick them up or take them to places or events they need to get to.

Be their dad and be close. Get a place you can afford. 15 minutes is really nothing.

I agreed to my wife’s bitching about schools because she put my daughter into a private school. I agreed she could stay there if the stbx paid ALL tuition. She gets final say on whether they leave that school or not.

I moved 15 minutes away and it works. My oldest is now 12 andI am starting to see some of that independence show itself. But I have worked very hard to be a close father who my daughters trust. The teachers know me, the admin knows me, I am very involved and no one, including a psychotic ex can say I’m not. But most importantly, my children know it.

Don’t worry about the distance. Be available and be dad. The rest will fall in line.

Pmoneywhazzup · 2025-04-19T16:43:45+00:00

You need to rent in the school district where her new house will be. I rent in a B- building across the street from where my daughter attends high school. I do not like renting but it is a means to an end. Three years will not kill me.

HistoricalRich280 · 2025-04-19T14:03:04+00:00

Consider from the kids perspective. If you are able to keep that marital home for their comfort and their friends, at least until your ex decides on a final location to settle down, I would do so by any means necessary. They have enough change happening.

Once she decides, then you can consider other options. But that means the kids are only adjusting to one new home at a time. And you being close to their current friends is GOLDEN.

UnknownUsername113 · 2025-04-19T13:23:17+00:00

Buying is optimal for sure long term however at this time I would strongly consider renting something very close to her and signing as short a lease as possible. Don’t let others push and rush you into long term decisions. Renting now is a kindness to yourself and your kids. Renting giving you the control and power you lost. Again, buying is best long term but short term not great. Rent for yourself out of love to yourself.

rsmiley77 · 2025-04-19T11:51:58+00:00

I’m on the opposite side of things. I stayed in the marital home in a good school district. My ex lives in a part of town that is rougher and around 25 minutes away from me. This means pick ups, that occur every other day for me, takes an hour round trip. So first I’d say 15 minutes round trip is probably around the farthest you want to be from them.

I think you’re absolutely correct about kids wanting to be near friends. My girls consider this their true home. My ex is constantly twisting my oldest daughter’s arm to make sure she splits her time between houses. Your concerns are valid. I think the distance is the most important thing though.

Helpful-Paramedic463 · 2025-04-19T11:35:32+00:00

My wife didn't move out of the school district but she moved far enough away within the district that it's impossible for her to drop / pick-up our son to school. She can't meet her work time AND the school time.

So what this means is she hasn't been able to keep the agreed to custody of one week on, one week off. I'm just keeping a record for the day she tries anything stupid to get more money.

I love having all the kids at my house and wouldn't change it at all.

Eric_C_Productions · 2025-04-19T06:29:10+00:00

First and foremost, you need to find a place for yourself. Whether it is 15 minutes away or 30 minutes away, all you need to worry about is that you are accessible in an emergency. Maybe find an apartment or town home. Just make sure you provide a comfortable and stable house for your kids when they stay with you. Chances are they are going to be living with your ex wife in the school district of her choosing. So, you need to accept that.

As for your kids, do you remember when you were a teenager? Did you want your parents hanging out with you and your friends? Your kids are going to let you know what they want you to know. Sad reality. They will want their freedom and independence. You should know that. We were teenagers once.They will adjust. You just keep your line of communication open to them.

I am telling you from experience. I was married for 20 years, together for 24. My ex bought the house from me and I ended up living with my parents while I get my life started again. Do I care if it was our dream home or not? Nope. In fact, I bought the house before we got married. It doesn't matter to me anymore. That was my old life. My ex and my two boys live there. We got separated when they were in high school. I live 88 miles away and it takes me 1.5 hours to get to them. Did that stop me? No, I made sure that they could always call me. I even picked up my son from high school three times a week before his mom bought him a car.I was fortunate to have a job where I make my own hours and can also work from home if need be.

Good luck and it gets easier as they get older. They just get more expensive...car, insurance, and other things.

TobeRez · 2025-04-19T05:32:51+00:00

As other people have already said, fifteen minutes is not that far away. In Europe kids cycle that distance, which would be around 30-45 minutes.

The relationship with your kids will depend on other factors, such as how you deal with them when they become moody teenagers, their relationship with their mother and step dad and also their individual character. The youngest daughter could be rebellious and never visits, your son could always be there and even move in with his cool dad one day while the eldest child gets along with everyone and visits every now and then. I have seen it so many times, what ever happens will be the result of so many factors and it's often not in your hand.

streetsmartwallaby · 2025-04-19T04:24:49+00:00

Fifteen minutes doesn't sound so bad to me. My kids' high school was on the other end of the district from their elementary school and we live on the OTHER side of the elementary school.

it's a fifteen minute drive for me to get to the high school. They have friends on the other side of the high school which are a 20-30 minute drive to get to depending on traffic. It's not that big a deal to me. All of us parents share in the driving.

a_day_at_a_timee · 2025-04-19T04:02:21+00:00

Congrats on wrapping up the divorce!

I went for 50/50 custody so I had to give up my dream of living by the beach and dating hot yoga babes in order to live in the inland town where my ex had the kids enrolled.

After 6 years of sharing custody, this is my take away.

The closer you are the better. I live 3 miles away from the middle school and 5 miles from the high school. Doing drop off and pick ups literally takes 2 to 3 hours of my day. I am lucky that I can do my work remotely but still it sucks sitting at the park doing technical meetings with a laptop waiting for the kids to walk out to the car.
If women can do the working mom thing so can you! Girls are better at making community than we are so you will have to work hard to get in tight with the other neighborhood moms to help you with rides. If you are close enough to have the kids walk even better! There are paid services that will also do after school rides and day care until the parents get off work but it’s costly.
Your fear of the kids not wanting to come over because their friends are over here is possible. I do hear this from my kids friends “oh i have to go to dads in anaheim this weekend so i cant hang out”.
I’ve stayed in the same place while mom has moved 5 times. So she’s now 20 minutes away from school and the kids prefer being at my place.
Sports is even more driving... I feel like i’m an Uber driver for non paying customers. Another few months and the oldest will be driving. Hoping they will help out with the taxi service!

Good luck !

overarmur · 2025-04-19T03:20:47+00:00

Get the house sold. It's the last piece of your marriage hanging on. Get it done and move on. It's sad, but might be cathartic.
Your wife is going to choose her school district no matter what. Even if you live in a better district she'll find other reasons.
Your kids will make friends at school, which will likely be the same kids in your ex wifes neighborhood. You're going to want to try and find a house as close to your ex as you can for this reason. If you can afford it.

My ex and I are in the same high school district, but different districts for elementary and middle school. We live about 10 minutes apart which isn't too bad. Some of their friends live 15-20 minutes away though.

Also, if you're in different districts you won't have the benefits of utilizing a school bus if that applies.

As your kids get older this does change. They spend time with friends and doing their own activities. You'll see them less and maybe then will be a better time to move to a lcol area.

Hope that helps.

IceCreamMan1977 · 2025-04-19T03:09:26+00:00

15 minutes away is nothing especially if you have them 50/50.

Man, did your lawyer fuck up. Didn’t you read the agreement before you signed it?

Title	I need some input from divorced dads.
Author	UnknownUsername113
Upvotes	16
Comments	35
Date	April 19, 2025 2:44 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1k2mdnm/i_need_some_input_from_divorced_dads/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/i-need-some-input-from-divorced-dads.1550017 https://theredarchive.com/post/1550017

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