My world shattered a couple nights ago when my wife of almost 11 years admitted to me that she has felt differently about our relationship for almost a year.  She couldn’t quite tell me why, and insisted I have been nothing but an amazing human being.  She told me she thinks it is mostly her fault and she feels like she has been a terrible wife.  Over the last couple years she has gotten really into crossfit and said she feels like she has changed, become more confident, and is a badass now.  I made it clear that I am committed to working through the issues and want to do marriage counseling but she said she needed time to understand what she is feeling and isn’t sure if things can go back to normal.  I’ve scheduled an appointment for me to start going and told her I really think we need professional help to work through things and hope she joins.  Also, that I just can’t see things improving unless we work on it in this way since if we could solve our issues on our own we would have by now.  Communication has always been a problem.

On and off for years I have felt like there was a wall between us and I never really knew why.  Our desire for physical touch and intimacy has always been different.  I’m a classic  “Physical touch” love language and she is more “Acts of service” and “Words of affirmation”.  I’ve tried my hardest to plan date nights, encourage her, and love her even when I often feel like it isn’t returned.  It has destroyed my self esteem and I feel like I can’t be a whole person by myself.  I always question why she doesn’t seem to express love and care for me the way I do with her.   I can’t think of the last time she initiated sex, or even initiated a hug.  When she is upset or has things going on she wants to talk about I try to give her my full attention and make her feel important and heard.  It hurts a lot that when I do that with her she often doesn’t really listen, walks into another room during the conversation because she is busy and has things to do, or sometimes gets irritated and criticizes me.  My family feel like they are walking on eggshells around her and to be honest sometimes I do too. 

She also deals with pretty extreme anxiety, to the point of being convinced people hate her because they didn’t say hi at the gym or going to the hospital because she is so anxious she feels like she is having heart issues.  I feel like I’ve been very patient and supportive throughout the years.  She has been taking an antidepressant for about the last year as well and things seem to have changed during that time.  She insists it is unrelated, and I certainly don’t want to invalidate what she is feeling, but I can’t help but wonder if there is some connection.

Whenever I’ve voiced how important it is for me to feel loved through physical touch, she has stated she feels like a terrible wife and so on but nothing seems to change.  She very clearly enjoys sex when we are having it but never initiates and often seems like she is reluctant to do so when we do (until she gets into it and starts enjoying it).  Lately it is like she just doesn’t even want to be around me at all.  She told me a few nights ago that it just feels forced.

We have no kids and have gone back and forth on that topic over the years.  At first we both wanted kids, then I didn’t and she was (as she said) fully on board with that decision.  Later she started to want kids again and just recently I have as well.  She insists she doesn’t resent me for it and that she was on board for many years, but I can’t help but feel she does.

Additionally, she recently started getting tattoos.  I have some issues from my past regarding that due to a very painful breakup where my ex started changing, pulling away, and getting tattoos right before she ended the relationship.  I reacted very poorly when she got them, especially the last one since she didn’t tell me she was going to in advance.  I totally get that it is her body, and I really want to be supportive of her.  I felt betrayed that she got the second one without talking to me.  I said things I really regret like I don’t like them, think they are unattractive, am sad she got them etc.  I really genuinely want to be supportive and a good partner and I’ve apologized.  I know understand my reaction came from a place of fear of losing her.  I honestly couldn’t care less if she gets a full sleeve if it makes her happy.

Another pattern with us has been that she doesn’t seem to have any desire or responsibility to do things that make me happy.  I love traveling and she recently decided she doesn’t want to travel anymore.  I expressed interest in moving and she just said no, we’re not doing that.  I wish it could have been a conversation centered around understanding each others’ needs / wants and working together to a solution.

Bottom line she tells me I have pushed her away over the last year, but I feel like I have been ignored and discarded and pushed away as well.

I would really appreciate any feedback or advice.  I just feel so lost and heartbroken.  I worry that if I get divorced I’ll never find love again.