I’ll try to be as brief as I can.

I’m 44, been with my wife for 25 years, married 21. I had been verbally abusive at times to her in the past, she apparently “checked out” 2-3 years ago and had decided when our youngest graduated HS (2025) she was leaving.

In December of 2024 I caught her texting with her ex boyfriend from high school who was, and still is going through a divorce. We decided to work on things. She supposedly cut it all off, and everything was going great. Best sex life we may have ever had from January to June. In June she went to Oklahoma to see her parents (we live in Kansas City) and the other guy lives in Oklahoma too. She met up with him down there and she got caught. She told me she cut it off with him again, but I knew she was lying by the time I picked her up from the airport to the time we pulled in the driveway.

She moved out. Went to a friends. She was still talking to him. About 2-3 weeks after she left she started coming over to the house and having sex with me in the mornings. We started counseling and she cut things off with the other guy. In August she moved back in. 2.5-3 months later she tells me she thinks she came back too soon, the feelings aren’t coming back, she loves me, she’s attracted to me, but the feelings just aren’t there. She moved back out.

Week before Christmas she admitted to me she’s been talking to him again for the last couple of months. She then told me she completely broke it off with him again a couple of days later. We went to a counseling session a few days ago and she admitted she didn’t cut it off. She’s going to Oklahoma for a week starting tomorrow, for her moms bday, and she’s admitted that she’ll probably see him there

Here’s the issue. She’s told me multiple times she wants a divorce but then she’ll say things like “she doesn’t know for sure” “might still be a chance” etc. I know I should pack the rest of her shit up, put it in storage, block her number (even though we really aren’t talking anymore anyways) and divorce her. She said she contacted a lawyer months ago to feel out the process. She has all the papers, has started filling them out and then she’ll tell me shit like “I’m not a 100% sure I can go through with it”

I’m just so freaking attached to her that I can’t pull the trigger. It’s like I’m just clinging on to that sliver of hope instead of having some self respect. I just feel these panic waves, and helplessness, and I can’t get my mind off of it. I’m not really sleeping but 2-5 hours a night. I feel like this will never end and I’ll be stuck like this forever.

Help a brother out.