Wife now Empowered, my basic contribution framed as control

Temporary_Elk3710 · 2026-05-15T15:58:23+00:00

Just commenting to say that I've experienced this as well. It's downright baffling how someone's perspective can so rapidly shift, and suddenly you're abusive, narcissist, manipulative, etc. etc etc. It's like.... I'm the same fucking guy I was last week, last year.

MenuDiscombobulated5 · 2026-05-12T23:02:09+00:00

Has anyone else had normal, everyday things, things you did for your family twisted into something sinister after separation?

For sure.

It's crazy how they twist shit. We had 4 preteen/teen kids. She wanted an SUV. Or a sports car. For appearances. I wanted a minivan for roominess on road trips. You know, practical shit. Cuz we're parents. We already had an SUV with a 3rd row which was fine when the oldest was 7. But kids grow.

While we were discussing it one time, she got pissed and said "do what you want. Idc.". And then refused to engage when I tried to talk about it after that. So I bought a minivan. She avoided riding in the van if possible, and after a while, she refused to ride in it altogether. She claimed she hated the van bc it "hurt" to ride in it, even though she had been riding in it for a couple of years without complaint before she stopped.

During the divorce, she requested the van bc it was easier for her dog to ride in. Whatever. Not a big deal to me, I wanted a smaller car now that the kids were going into adulthood and the 6 of us never drive anywhere together any more anyway. I didn't bother asking her why she suddenly didn't hate the van anymore. Not worth it.

Furthermore, Occasionally their irrational behavior can work to your benefit. I went through the effort of filing all the divorce paperwork online, and walked her through it carefully, explaining everything. There's no formula for calculating alimony like there is for child support, so I gave it my best effort estimate from things I could gather on the Internet & other places about how to calculate. After weeks of getting everything together using our financial & legal documents, etc, keeping her in the loop during the process, when I had finished it all, she said she'd like to consult an attorney anyway.

The attorneys on both sides gave us more specific instructions on calculating alimony, and i recalculated based on that. But she wanted more monthly than the attorney calculation provided; it was way less than I had proposed originally. She was more concerned about getting a certain amount every month, so I proposed that we split assets 60/40 & I pay her back over time with the alimony. Then she could get the amount she wanted monthly.

I'll end up paying her a lot more cash, but mostly bc I got 60% of the marital assets. When all is said and done, I will end up paying her $100k less in total alimony than the amount I had offered to pay when we originally filled out the divorce paperwork online. I still think being forced to pay any alimony to someone who checks out, cheats, and has anger issues is a miscarriage of justice, but the courts don't see it that way. I consider myself lucky though bc it worked out better than I originally had anticipated.

Cool-Lavishness-1955 · 2026-05-11T16:58:05+00:00

Unfortunately, this is the playbook by most women now who are going through divorce. They are a damsal in distress, always needed to be saved by another knight in a shining armor. Although she was a stay-at-home mom, she refused to plan out trips or even do home renovations. I had to take care of that because she was so immature, could not do any planning. Now with the divorce, everything I did was controlling. I control where we went, I controlled her spending, I controlled what she could buy. All nonsense! I never looked at her credit card statement once in her marriage. After she cheated, she is telling people she cheated because she was being controlled by me. I can tell you with great confidence that she had an amazing life which she took for granted, and I think she is starting to see that. I am so much better without her.

Strange_Button_3330 · 2026-05-11T16:50:31+00:00

Yeah, it came out in the end that everything I had done to help was a form of control. At the start anyways.

From getting our finances sorted to car repairs to vacation planning. Everything was me taking away her sense of competence.

I now see my actions differently, in that I had a high level of competence and didn’t allow her space to feel comfortable making mistakes along the way. So if I was to do something different it would be to learn to step back and let her fail on her own.

Read no more my nice guy if you haven’t already.

Opened my eyes about my own covert contracts and how a lot of what I did was about control - to make her love me through my actions.

guy_n_cognito_tu · 2026-05-11T14:10:30+00:00

A tale as old as time, and as common as oxygen.

When my ex and I first got married, she told me that she desperately wanted to be a SAHM. I went through the process of showing her our financials, and confirmed my ability to support us. I pointed out that her salary would have largely been eaten up with daycare anyway, so it wasn't much of an impact. More importantly, I expressed to her that it was HER decision, and I would support her no matter what she chose to do. I was smart enough to put this in writing......this came to be important later.

5 years later, as we're divorcing, she puts in the petition that I "forced" her to stop working, put an end to her "career" (she was a low-level secretary), financially "abused" her (she was and owner of, and had access to all of our accounts), and kept her as a "domestic slave"..........despite the fact that she did no "domestic" work and spent her days working out, eating lunch, and participating in unpaid community theater.

UrAristotle · 2026-05-11T12:12:36+00:00

There’s this thing going around social media, and therefore our culture, depicting how “women carry the mental load” of the household.

I’ve seen some videos that show the wife mopping or doing dishes, etc. while the man plays a video game or gets in round of golf.

I want to kick the guys in those videos in the nuts for allowing the video to be made.

I used to wonder if my marriage would have worked out if I did more. During one of the “you’re not doing enough” talks, I suggested we write down everything each of us does and see how it adds up. I hired a cleaning service to take care of the big household chores. I helped with laundry, did dishes, either cooked the meals or helped cooked the meals. I did all the yard work and took car of the cars.

She made sure the bills were paid, most of which were on auto withdrawals, and planned vacations.

This thread reminded me of one specific complaint of hers. I own my own business. When forming the LLC, I made myself the sole owner. It didn’t matter because we live in a state where it was considered shared property. I told her that at the time. I told her that later on when I made her a signatory on the checking account. I told her that again 10 years later during some estate planning when it came out and she said she had no idea that was the case.

During the divorce she told people she didn’t feel safe because I hid things in the business from her.

Bitch, I told you three fucking times.

There were other things in the business that we discussed directly which she later said she had no knowledge of.

The delusion they’re capable of is mind blowing.

darealyst · 2026-05-11T14:30:33+00:00

ex wife still complains that she didn't get the big SUV that was in my name and had to take the small SUV that was in her name.

CryMeaRiver2Crawl · 2026-05-11T12:06:58+00:00

She didn’t have her own voice back then? Or too busy drinking and enjoying the views from the passenger seat? What these women come up with after divorce is staggering.

Comfortable-Angle660 · 2026-05-11T11:41:50+00:00

OP, it’s called “selfish b!tch syndrome” aka victimization.

TimeCycle3000 · 2026-05-11T11:29:51+00:00

Victimization. This truly is my least favorite trait. Can’t wait to be done with seeing it on a daily basis.

DetroiterInTX · 2026-05-11T10:38:14+00:00

Yep! This narrative she is writing is to present what was happening as you being a controlling narcissist.

Try to help plan and give her a relaxing time. Nope, you are controlling. But if you let her plan it out, then she is the one that has to do everything—you never contribute. As someone else said, she can be the hero…

UrAristotle · 2026-05-11T10:19:42+00:00

She is writing a narrative where she gets to be the hero so she feels okay about herself when she looks in the mirror. My ex did the exact same thing.

This isn’t your to process. It’s just one of many things she’s going to do that make no sense to you.

Focus on your kids and what you can control.

Major-Pudding-9115 · 2026-05-11T09:14:56+00:00

If she is saying that to your kids that's abysmal. If not forget it and move on. Who cares. She is your past.

LaCathedrale · 2026-05-11T09:11:56+00:00

Funnily enough - my ex told me I had totally screwed her, because I had put myself (no accidents, 20 years no claims bonus) as the primary driver on our family car, so when she went to get a car herself she had no NCB. The absolute audacity of these women....

EnvironmentalRate853 · 2026-05-11T09:02:37+00:00

Yup. We have two cars - an older one that I drive and a brand new car we had to buy (and continually upgrade) for the “safety” of her and the kids.

One day on a trip we had to swap cars. The kids wanted to go with her in my older car. I tried to get them into the new car with me.

She presented that to her shrink as me being controlling, and the shrink agreed.

Second, I work full time. She books and plans the holidays with the kids. I pay for the holiday, fuel, accomodation etc. I’ll drive up and back multiple times on most holidays to shuffle kids to/from sport and parties. Or to bring things from the house. I do the grocery shopping, some of the cooking. Yet she constantly complains I do nothing for holidays and she does everything.

They’re deluded, rewriting events to compensate for their lack of capabilities.

nutscrape · 2026-05-11T08:38:42+00:00

They have to rewrite history to make themselves not look like the bad guy.

TeddyPSmith · 2026-05-11T08:16:24+00:00

They really do say the dumbest shit. It’s easier when you accept that they just aren’t that intelligent

Tough-Struggle7602 · 2026-05-11T07:48:58+00:00

I do the same; plan holidays, the driving while everyone else either naps or on social media and most times I also plan the activities. My STBX gets anxious driving on highways and especially in new places, and then her stressing out always means I don’t really relax in the passenger seat. I once asked her to plan a holiday for us, a week before she came and asked me to do it because she couldn’t figure things out on her own, and basically said I was much better at this kind of thing anyway. Knowing her now, I expect the same behavior as your ex-wife. I think women will find any opportunity to blame the man for their problems. It seems to be a common theme here looking at other posts and I’d advise not to pay any attention to it for your own sanity.

Strange_Button_3330 · 2026-05-11T16:49:19+00:00

Yeah, it came out in the end that everything I had done to help was a form of control. At the start anyways.

From getting our finances sorted to car repairs to vacation planning. Everything was me taking away her sense of competence.

I now see my actions differently, in that I had a high level of competence and didn’t allow her space to feel comfortable making mistakes along the way. So if I was to do something different it would be to learn to step back and let her fail on her own.

Read no more my nice guy if you haven’t already.

Opened my eyes about my own covert contracts and how a lot of what I did was about control - to make her love me through my actions.

Title	Wife now Empowered, my basic contribution framed as control
Author	Boglehead101
Upvotes	43
Comments	31
Date	May 11, 2026 7:27 AM UTC (3 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1t9w2vl/wife_now_empowered_my_basic_contribution_framed/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/wife-now-empowered-my-basic-contribution-framed-as.1580132 https://theredarchive.com/post/1580132

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