When it’s Over

Effective_Sir_6406 · 2026-06-08T05:59:01+00:00

yeah the other day we were talking about the issues we have been having. Seems we have run out of things to talk about... and I can't actually remember the last time she asked me how my day was.... it seems like yes, it is the beginning of the end for you. But if you dont want it to be, you can save it, but sometimes things just come to an end. Divorce has such negative connotations, but not every divorce has a negative catalyst, sometimes people are in your life for a season, a reason or a lifetime.

Be true to yourself.

photo_op411 · 2026-06-06T14:36:16+00:00

When communications stop, my STBX stop telling me what was going on in her life. I had to basically interrogate her to find out anything and every talk essentially became an argument.

She went on a girls trip and didn’t hear from her for 4 days; came back from her trip like nothing happened. Kids didn’t even know where she went other than she was going on a trip with her bff’s. I knew then it was time to start the divorce process.

Odd-Yoghurt1869 · 2026-06-04T03:04:18+00:00

Ok, I'll say it. Why didn't you go say good night? Why didn't you tell her you two were going on a date? Why didn't you suggest watching a movie together?

I mean I get it if you both hate each other, but because these thoughts were on your mind, it means you care somehow.

Deepcoma_53 · 2026-06-03T03:45:04+00:00

At least try, sign up for marriage counseling. See if there is any fight for your marriage. If she doesn’t want to go, it’s probably over and for the best.

DoBetter4us2024 · 2026-06-02T13:39:27+00:00

I wouldn’t look at the facts in front of me of what my ex was showing me. I was living my life with my head in the sand. My ex showed me she wasn’t interested in me but what I could provide for her, she wasn’t affectionate and wouldn’t hold my hand when we were out. She didn’t like to have sex with me and didn’t want to do things together unless she had too. I didn’t want to accept what she was showing me. We weren’t right for each other and to be honest I didn’t really love her either, I liked how she looked and wanted to have sex with her. The marriage was doomed from the start.

I’m not trying to say that your situation is anything like mine, just try to look back on it and see if there maybe were signs of something that maybe you didn’t want to look at. It’s hard to accept the marriage could be over, talk with her and share what you both feel is missing and what you could do to possibly fix it. Try counseling and see if that can help, having someone who is trained to look at the whole picture and not just from one perspective could help and maybe point out things that neither one of you thought of.

I know how hard it can be especially when kids are involved, but trying to hold onto something that doesn’t work isn’t good for them or you. I support you and feel for you also.

GullibleAd303 · 2026-06-02T13:02:02+00:00

Not divorced yet, but we have been knocking on that door for awhile now.

I mentally checked out before my wife did.

I realized it was over, when my wife was sitting there crying about our failed relationship. I couldn’t even bring myself to hug her and comfort her. Years of resentment from both sides, lack of accountability, and endless talks that were not backed up by actions is what did it for me.

EmbarrassedAge7612 · 2026-06-02T12:25:18+00:00

It started over Christmas when we went and stayed with her parents. She basically left the kids and I while she ran around with a friend. She showed up late Christmas morning and the kids were pretty upset with her at that point.

Fast forward to Valentine’s Day I took her out to dinner to test the waters I suggested that we do a few things that she always wanted. Her answers let me know she was just as checked out as I was.

On the ride home I let her know I’d be moving into the guest room until we sorted things out. Seems like that was the happiest I had made her in months.

123flocko · 2026-06-02T11:14:17+00:00

Knowing that is over while you're still together is painful and really frightening. What will happen, where will I go, will I be alone forever, etc. I ended up leaving because of violence and abuse so it was more explosive. I haven't found a solution to the loneliness yet.

TxICat · 2026-06-02T11:07:32+00:00

Huh 🤔

Top-Grape7802 · 2026-06-02T10:44:43+00:00

My soon-to-be x wife would say she wanted her own house since we were newlyweds. We have been married for 20 years, and throughout that time had said this among other things like “would you ever cheat on me” (I never have, nor ever thought of it). Intimacy stopped 7 or 8 years ago followed by maintenance sex which stopped entirely six years ago. And yet, she doesn’t seem to understand why now I want a divorce. But to answer your question, I knew it was over about five years into the marriage. But I love my kids and didn’t want to leave them even if it meant only part time. Now they are older, it’s time.

Good luck to you Reddit rando, and sorry you have to go through this.

Helpful-Paramedic463 · 2026-06-02T03:29:55+00:00

When I was talking about our next move and she said I could move but she would stay. And that she only wanted sex once and year and that she would not give oral anymore.

Outside-Jicama-8468 · 2026-06-02T01:54:37+00:00

When she moved over 1k miles away and got a new apartment, job and life. We talked. She begged me to come down. I couldn't. She left me with nothing and I was paying to climb out of the hole she left us in.

Then I saw she spent the night away from home. A week later she came back to visit me and the kids. I picked her up at the airport and she gave me a quick side hug, no kiss, and said let's get going. We went home, had passionless sex and went on a family weekend. She spent the rest of the time avoiding the kids and I.

I talked to a lawyer and had paperwork drawn up cause something just didn't feel right. Found out she was on the phone with another guy the whole time. That's where she was staying overnight.

I called my lawyer and said, "remember when I said I wanted this on hold, well, it just got thrust into a right fucking now situation. filed that same day.

I spent many years being someone's option. I went along with it. But I have been through so much shit that, even though I was married, I was left to deal with alone. I decided right then and there that I am not an option anymore. I realized that for many years, I hated myself and where I was and what I became. Since the divorce and her leaving, the kids are happier, I've worked on accepting myself and loving myself. I'm not extremely happy yet, but I'm a little happier every day since the judge granted the divorce.

DarthDad25 · 2026-06-01T23:46:37+00:00

Nothing was stopping you from turning off the TV, walking to your bedroom, laying next to your wife, and speaking with her. Take the first step my man. Be the leader in the relationship. Stop waiting for her to make a move. Odds are, she is also waiting on you to do the same.

If there is a disconnect, it’s your job to change it. Doing the same routine over and over and expecting different results it’s the definition of insanity, right?

You need to have a mature conversation with your wife. Don’t be defensive. Don’t attack. Just simply ask her what you could do better to help her feel seen and wanted. Take her on a date. Hold her hand. Listen to her talk about the things that excite her and the things that are bringing her down. The two of you need an emotional reconnect. The physical intimacy will follow

PumpkinSufficient989 · 2026-06-01T23:45:39+00:00

I don't think the "when" is important. It's probably greatly dependent on personalities and the family dynamics anyway.

As others have pointed out, it may not be over for the two of you... yet.

She didn't initiate... did you? It's not clear from what you wrote whether you tried or were simply waiting for her to take the first step.

Women are turned off by our passivity and turned on by us taking charge and being leaders.

Take charge and reinvent yourself. Don't wait for immediate recognition and validation. She is inevitably comparing you to her other "options". Make sure that comparison is in your favor.

Many of us are passive. The guy she's probably comparing you against is probably not that hot. With kids, work, and family, we all get tired, lazy, and their attraction to us dies off.

Reignite it, it's in your power. It's not over until it's over.

MonkeyBranchBuster · 2026-06-01T23:07:24+00:00

3 years before it happened I started noticing little things, like her coming home from work and passing me by without a kiss when I greeted her at the door, if she was home and I was at the door, she'd unlock the door and leave before I came in. When she woke me up in the morning she turned on the lights and shook me by the foot. Noticed she had a selfish and ungrateful comments about my mom when she gifted us some money.

I just couldn't leave as we had a kid with disability, divorce was not even on my mind, I was hooked on hopium, but very lonely and unhappy for the last few years, and it got much much worse then just became horrible.

I dont even know who this person is anymore or how she can live with herself, very sad as we spent 20 years together, half of our lives.

DivorceCharacter512 · 2026-06-01T22:38:19+00:00

I was at this point 6 to 12 months before it happened. I made a conscious choice not to act on my gut. I regret it. Instead of having an attorney ready to go and a plan to immediately hit 50/50 custody, I got papered while out of town on a business trip. Never give her first strike advantage.

I could have positioned myself much better for the inevitable. Even if you dont ever pull the the trigger - you can still dig your fox hole and continually improve your position.

UrAristotle · 2026-06-01T21:41:41+00:00

It’s not over, yet. You have to both be willing to work on it, though. Marriage is a democracy, but the vote has to be unanimous.

If you are willing to work on it, read 7 Principles That Make Marriage work. Had my ex wanted to stay together and been willing to work through that book we would have been fine. She was done.

Your wife may be similarly done. But you have kids and for the sake of not disrupting their lives, or at least for the sake of knowing you tried absolutely everything, do that.

There is the idea that women check out emotionally long before they check out legally. There may not be a road back, but your kids are worth finding out if there is.

Acceptable_Piano4809 · 2026-06-01T20:12:18+00:00

Reading your post, I can tell you already know it’s over. And I’d advise you to trust your gut on this one, as I didn’t, and I’ve never regretted anything more.

Usually way too late my guy. Most guys put a ton of effort into their marriage and they won’t just throw it away. My ex wife used this to monkey branch, and was gone way before I realized it was too late. In hindsight, she prob lived with me for years while she shopped around. It had me in shock, still does, as I do not just quit on things that are important to me. This was the most important thing in my world and to realize there was nothing to stand on was and still is the most traumatic thing I’ve ever experienced.

If I could do it over, I would def have left her much earlier. Thing is, this has def changed my entire perspective on everything. I certainly will not be getting married ever again, but I’m uncertain I could ever be in a relationship like that ever again. The gaslighting has me doubting my own judgement, as it should have been much more apparent to me at the time than it was. I would never let myself go through anything like this again. It’s been almost 4 years and I’m nowhere near “healed” or “back to normal”, and the latter doesn’t even exist for me anymore as normal for me before I met her was getting married and starting a family. I have accepted that life is not for me, thank god we did not have a child. Having a child would be on an entirely different level than my 6 year marriage was (12 year relationship, she was checked out for at least a year, prob two, maybe 3), I can’t imagine what guys with kids go through. My ex used every single advantage she could, including abuse allegations and cohabitation concealment while she had a baby with someone else.

Xan-Diesel · 2026-06-01T20:05:40+00:00

I didn't realize it was over until months after she left. I discovered her affair after she got home late one night. Well after our sons went to sleep. No word from where she was or what she was up to. After that I spent a few frivolous weeks trying to get her to see the value in our marriage and family to no avail. She agreed to stay and work on our relationship and the very next day (after her affair partner could work on her all day at work) she said she was done. She left and I kept convincing myself there was a chance she'd come home. Took quite a while before I understood she was never coming back.

bdkgb · 2026-06-01T20:04:47+00:00

Sounds like my life for the last 14 years.

Paddle_Pedal_Puddle · 2026-06-01T19:55:32+00:00

I took our family on what should have been a dream vacation to New Zealand, and she was checked out the entire time. On one of the last days of the trip, she complained and moped the entire day while we experienced some of the most incredible scenery I’ve ever scene. Then we went to a nice dinner and she attempted to pick a fight with me in front of our kids. That night I sat on the beach by myself and had the distinct thought that my marriage was over. Less than 2 months later, we both had lawyers, and two weeks after that I found out about her affair.

Relative-Cicada1553 · 2026-06-01T19:54:42+00:00

She got a new friend group. I didn't recognize anyone. My ex was stupid enough to do everything they said. The group always saw the worst intentions in my actions. Crazy.

I tried to tell my stbx that the group was vicariously having her burn all possible bridges. And my ex said she was fine with that. I filed a bit later. I didn't file to divorce. I mean, I did. But my real intentions were to uncouple my finances from her and the Man Hater Club friend group. And that happens with filing.

It's been a while. Five years maybe. That Man Hater Club split up as soon as the divorce hit a settlement. Drama queens, all of them.

krazykanuck · 2026-06-01T19:43:18+00:00

Here’s the thing, the “magic” doesn’t exist without keeping things going. That requires 2 things; both people are willing and both people follow through with the work needed.

Sometimes that means rebuilding attraction. Sometimes it’s finding romance or spicing things up. Finding that fuck yes energy instead of a transaction.

But again, both people need to be willing AND do the work. Because i guarantee you, it wont be a switch you can just turn on. The attraction of something new is HUGE. You are both fighting that.

Long story short, have an honest conversation with yourself first, then with her. If you want to work on things and you have a healthy relationship otherwise, fucking do the work.

Title	When it’s Over
Author	Maximum_Committee874
Upvotes	36
Comments	35
Date	June 1, 2026 7:33 PM UTC (1 month ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1tu349w/when_its_over/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/when-its-over.1581849 https://theredarchive.com/post/1581849

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