I turned her down.

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January 13, 2019
397 upvotes

Had a date set up for tonight with a girl I met on tinder. We made arrangements on Tuesday. Earlier today she texted me asking if we were still on for tonight? I replied “of course see you at 5.” I’m currently on my way to the bar and she contacts me and says she’s feeling stressed from work and if we can do this another day. I replied “nah I’m good”

I have zero tolerance for examples like this. Now if she would’ve said she couldn’t make it earlier today than I would’ve been more accepting. But I feel like she purposely waited until 30min before our date to cancel. Was I too harsh?


Post Information
Title I turned her down.
Author Backthatpassup451
Upvotes 397
Comments 155
Date 13 January 2019 10:45 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit askTRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/163956
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/afoxnl/i_turned_her_down/
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Comments

[–]WestCoastTrawler371 points372 points  (7 children) | Copy

Not too harsh at all. Most likely she was holding out until a better option came about. You were the backup plan.

[–]Backthatpassup451[S] 172 points173 points  (4 children) | Copy

Probably so. I’m huge on first impressions so she failed massively. Her excuse wasn’t even that good.

[–]Herculius35 points36 points  (0 children) | Copy

On to the next one. The goal is to sharpen this reflex so it doesn't even become a question.

Chasing attention or a quick nut makes you weak, thirsty, and unnatractive. Abundance mentality and holding to clear and consistent standards will make you more attractive and admirable to women in the long run.

[–]Fonzoon7 points8 points  (1 child) | Copy

you did exactly what you should’ve. for her to cancel so close to the meetup is a huge bs move. even if she was telling you the truth (100% unlikely), what kind of shit is that on the first date? shows immaturity and selfishness, it’s not like you know her so you can say it’s cool

if anything I would’ve not responded to her at all and just blocked her

[–]awalt_cupcake1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

This is exactly what they do when they _really_ want to see someone else. The genuine ones try and reschedule with you. hard next.

[–]jackandjill220 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Mhm

[–]006rbc81 points82 points  (0 children) | Copy

Usually when I'm stressed from work, a trip to the bar is nice. She had other options most likely. Your response was perfect.

[–]Cum_Victor118 points119 points  (0 children) | Copy

Nope, you handled this quite well.

[–]2INNASKILLZ2K1885 points86 points  (12 children) | Copy

I mean, look...you're wondering about someone you've never met, or don't know if you're even attracted to.

What is really important is your own mind state. Do what YOU want. If you really feel abundance and have options, then what you did is fine.

If you don't, and wanted to leave a chance...you could have said 'ok, but you buy the drinks next time. You let me know when you're free'.

All depends on you and what you want.

[–]MaliciousMack9 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy

This is the best note. No point in making assumptions off this.

[–]adonis_syche2 points3 points  (7 children) | Copy

I am relatively new and have been seeing this Abundance Mentality quite a lot. Would be too cruel to ask you to educate me on this, so not even gonna ask that. But any book or something which you're specifically talking about here? which would help me to understand? I googled but yet I think you can suggest me a boiled down source! Thanks and cheers mate!

[–]c4toyourdoornobeef5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy

the book of pook

[–]adonis_syche0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

the book of pook

One hell of an interesting read xD thanks!

[–]teflonix4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy

Read the Rational Male by Rollo Tomasi

[–]adonis_syche0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Thanks Dr Teflonix, will do!

[–]2INNASKILLZ2K180 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Yeah, read rational male.

But abundance is the opposite to scarcity. Like, you don't have to focus too hard on one woman, because there are an abundance that would love to get to know you. Don't get hung up.

I also think of it in my general life. I have an abundance of things that fulfill me, not just women.

[–]adonis_syche0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

It works on all level, i see. Thank for responding. I think I have a starter pack as of now

[–]2INNASKILLZ2K180 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

No worries. Yes abundance mentality leads to outcome independence/IDGAF.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

No. Because "what you want" is sometimes desperate, needy, and compromises your frame. Discipline must sometimes override getting whatever we can to feel happy in a moment, at the expense of dignity. OP did the right thing.

[–]2INNASKILLZ2K180 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Yeah, I'm assuming the OP isn't desperate or needy, which doesn't seem to be.

[–]jackandjill220 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Don't ever tell them where your location is first. Ask them where they are & wait for the confirmation before you change your plans or make moves. You're pining for them otherwise & they may toy with you.

[–]Senior EndorsedVasiliyZaitzev23 points24 points  (0 children) | Copy

No, not at all. Last minute flake is bullshit.

I generally allow one reschedule, but that late? Fuck that shit.

[–][deleted] 17 points18 points  (0 children) | Copy

I'd do the same. Think of the tone it would've set for any future contact, she'd be in charge, you'd appear needy, and 30 mins before is just a shitty human. Good move.

[–]scanfan202251 points52 points  (4 children) | Copy

Flaking on a date with 30 minutes notice shows that she doesn't respect you. I'd ignore the lame excuse and see if she contacts at a later time, but put in very little effort and investment. If you do see this chick again make it clear to her that standing you up isn't gonna fly.

[–]Herdsengineers17 points18 points  (1 child) | Copy

In my online days, I found flakes completely went away when you set up a first meet as a true first meet, not a date. Just plan on coffee or a lunch time snack, and no more. Perfection seemed to be "i'll meet you for a coffee after i'm done with my workout". No pressure, no need to primp and look great, and easy enough to tell if you like her in person without wasting an evening figuring it out. No pressure for her either.

Typically, it usually led to her wanting to see me again later that night too, as long as I was into her and didn't blow her off quickly.

[–]askmrcia6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

Nah they still flake on those. A drink at the bar isn't fancy. It's no different then getting a cup of coffee or a walk in the park or whatever

[–]MMASpartan7743 points44 points  (0 children) | Copy

You did the right thing. She was testing the waters early in the day, could have possibly wished you would cancel - then 30 mins before she flaked either because 1) better option became free or 2) just simply didn’t feel like going out

[–]3chazthundergut12 points13 points  (0 children) | Copy

Flaking is the #1 thing that sucks about dating right now. It is a huge problem.

I agree with your reaction. If she had cancelled earlier and suggested a different time I would probably be okay with it. But confirming, and then cancelling 30 min before?

Typical female fuckery

[–]whatdidshewrite20 points21 points  (8 children) | Copy

What you did wasn’t necessary, but there’s nothing wrong with it. You don’t owe her anything

[–]Backthatpassup451[S] 7 points8 points  (7 children) | Copy

It wasn’t necessary? How so? She asked me a question and I gave her an answer.

[–]FalconWrite28 points29 points  (2 children) | Copy

It wasn't necessary as in it was not required to respond that way. It wasn't wrong or mandatory. What you did was fine, and you also could've rescheduled. Maybe she would have followed up for real next time, maybe she would've flaked again. You had an option, you picked one. It's not a big deal.

[–]Backthatpassup451[S] 4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy

Gotcha

[–]Yog-Nigurath6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

I think you did exactly as you should. Why would you re schedule with someone who just happened to be "stressed" minutes before your date? Your free time is very valuable and she didn't aprecciate it. Good thing nexting her.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

I mean you didn't even need to respond, I don't think you did anything wrong tho - most guys on here don't have abundance mentality yet. You do. Good stuff.

[–]ag101 1 points [recovered]  (2 children) | Copy

Your response closes the door on any potential interaction in the future.

Yes, she showed a disrespect for your time which is not acceptable. But you can also just as easily hold it over her head if she ever reinitiated with you.

It has happened to me because the girl was just nervous. She flaked last minute and I just responded "Ok". Then radio silence until she messaged first to reschedule.

She tried to reschedule for the next week.. made her pay for drinks (I actually said first round since she flaked, but she ended up paying for 3-4 rounds), and i fucked her on the first date.

[–]SomeoneBehindThePC 1 points [recovered]  (1 child) | Copy

How did he close the door? Now she can come at him, begging.

[–]ghosts_of_me6 points7 points  (15 children) | Copy

Stressed from work?

Going to a bar afterwards solves that fucking problem!

Women have no logic.

[–]DaRealDwayne 1 points [recovered]  (1 child) | Copy

Hate defending these hoes, but as an introverted fuck, going to any social event with people i'm not familiar with is the least stress relieving event imaginable.

Still think OPs mindset is correct here, with that being said.

[–]ghosts_of_me1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I consider myself introverted too, but if i had a date lined up after work and had a stressful day, id be glad i had something to look forward to.

[–]rAFCdadHUSBAND0 points1 point  (12 children) | Copy

Actually ... logic is subjective. Female reproductive imperatives have different parameters to males.

[–]lerossignol77-1 points0 points  (11 children) | Copy

1+1 is not subjective. Logic is objective. Women emote first then think later. If she was logical, like OP said she’d have a better excuse. Instead, she made an emotional excuse

[–]rAFCdadHUSBAND0 points1 point  (10 children) | Copy

sorry but 1+1 is math. Logic is Greek philosophy.

Men also emote and have strong emotion at times.

It is self -serving bias to say that men are logical and logic is objective. If that were true men would be objective. Clearly that is not the case.

[–]lerossignol77-1 points0 points  (9 children) | Copy

Math is a form of logic. Logic is not greek philosophy. Logic is what you used to decide that “logic is greek philosophy”. It’s like saying physics is chemistry and chemistry is physics. The first statement is true but the second is false. Physics explains chemistry but chemistry cannot explain physics. By the same token, even if greek philosophy explains logic, it is NOT logic. It’s a comprehensive representation of logic.

Men ARE logical. If anyone is self serving it is you by trying to intertwine the masculine with the feminine. Men are not women, women are not men. We do not think or act the same way.

Logic is objective. Belief is not. Beliefs supersede logic, i.e., you can believe in santa and still know that he isn’t real. Because men can have beliefs that are not objectively true, they are not always objective even if their default modus operandi is logic, which is objective...

Whether or not men can emote doesn’t change men‘s tendency for logic.

[–]rAFCdadHUSBAND0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

All of your arguments were bad in various different ways.

Starting with 'math is a form of logic' i don't see why that would be so. If you care to make this point properly ill read it with interest.

[–]lerossignol77-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

I’m more interested in what you think. Justify your “bad in various ways.” What do you think logic is?

[–]rAFCdadHUSBAND0 points1 point  (6 children) | Copy

If "Math is logic" and women do math, then women are logical.

Logical, huh.

Math is going to exist regardless if logic exists or not. Math is not logic. It is not ' within' logic. It may be orthogonal to logic.

[–]lerossignol77-1 points0 points  (5 children) | Copy

Wrong. If women do math and math is a FORM of logic they are CAPABLE of using logic. Doesn’t make them logical by nature. You have a myriad of fallacious thinking

[–]rAFCdadHUSBAND0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

Math is logic -

You can believe in Santa and know that he is not real-

Logic is objective -

Math is a form of logic -

These are just a few of your fallacious statements.

Your arguments have been changing along the way which doesn't look good for you. Eg, "women have no logic" has changed to "women are capable of a form of logic".

[–]lerossignol77-1 points0 points  (3 children) | Copy

Idk if you hear yourself talk and you’re just lazy with your thinking. You’re thinking if it’s not white, it’s black. If not black it’s white but that’s not how arguments work. There’s no inconsistency in what I said. Even if I went back and forth with you, it’d be an endless cycle of misunderstandings

[–]rAFCdadHUSBAND0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Figuring out that logic is subjective has vastly improved my understanding of men women and the world I could still be wrong but you have not proved it so we are done

[–]UnbreakableFrame30 points31 points  (12 children) | Copy

I think what you want us to tell you is the tough truth. You got stood up and even if you were polite about it, she would have just ghosted or stood you up again. What you did gives you back some sense of illusory power, but it's nothing more than that. She ditched you and not the other way around.

[–]ReturnsOver 1 points [recovered]  (9 children) | Copy

For someone with the username "unbreakable frame", the frame I can glean from your comment that you have shows that in fact your frame is shit and resides in girl's frame.

She flaked on him, he stood his ground and upheld his self-respect; he won point blank.

Wait for her in a few days to a week to message him asking to meet up and then tell me about how she took the power from him.

His reply sounds like that of a guy in control of his frame and who has a good internal locus of control.

Check yourself please

[–]UnbreakableFrame7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy

She might message him back or she might not. That's not what he was asking about anyways. I'm not questioning whether or not what he did was an example of strong or weak frame. I'm pointing out that a discussion of frame is not the most important takeaway from the above scenario. The lesson to learn is that, in all likelihood, he got out-competed by a man she found more attractive.

Football teams don't lose games because of a fumble in the last quarter then spend the rest of the season trying to get better at picking up fumbles. They work on not fumbling the ball.

[–]jwarner95 1 points [recovered]  (7 children) | Copy

So if you said "sure no problem" in response to the girl, and A) she responds one day asking if you want to do something or B) she doesn't, is there any change in the outcome from what OP did instead? Worst case scenario, no. Best case scenario, yes and you can see her again. You're all too in your head about what frame is. A guy in control of his frame would analyze what happened, realize his potential for seeing her is low, but still keep the option open assuming he was still interested.

Nah I'm good is a butthurt response, plain and simple, not an indicator of a good internal locus of control. He tried to "win" over his low percieved chance of anything with the girl happening again, instead of simply accepting the situation as it was and letting it play out.

[–]Backthatpassup451[S] 22 points23 points  (0 children) | Copy

I highly disagree with that being a butthurt response. What ReturnsOver stated I upheld my self respect. If I went ape shit and chewed her out, blocked her on everything and tried to point out everything she did wrong, then I can see that I was butthurt.

If I would’ve kept the option opened especially after cancelling 30 min prior to the date it would be teaching her that it’s ok to flake when she wants because she expects me to leave the option open.

[–]Wedidntdoshitreddit 1 points [recovered]  (5 children) | Copy

I agree with you even though I personally most likely wouldn't invest any more of my time to a woman who acts this way. Saying "nah I'm good" is exactly just a butt hurt response trying to make him feel like he is the one who rejected her even though in reality it is the other way around.

[–]Backthatpassup451[S] 6 points7 points  (4 children) | Copy

That makes no sense. Saying “nah I’m good” means I could care less. Flaking like that is a complete disrespect to my time. Like I said earlier, if she would’ve flaked earlier in the day, then I would be more accepting.

[–]locomotronn1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

This subreddit holds nothing back. Exactly what I got from reading it. I love how you can actually get non politically correct tough love answers here.

[–]fignootins2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Women love to crush a man's spirit and make them squirm for affection.

You did the right thing honestly, she probably wants to meet you now knowing you don't take any shit, but her damaged ego won't let her reach out to you.

[–]zeekt122 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

This gave me a hard on

Good job boii

[–]amwfhunter5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

I think what u did was fine but you destroyed any chance whatsoever of getting her.

Me personally, I like options and even with rejection I dont want to seem salty (this is just me, I'm not you). I believe I am a legitimately nice person (I treat men and women the same.) I would have just said ok hope u have a better day, call me and we will see if we can make it work... drinks on u. I'm not dismissing she had a bad day or is flaking on me but if she gonna go out with me again, she has to earn it. By doing this it will show whether or not she is legit, you come out looking like a million bucks and u might get free drinks and sex, best case scenario, worse case, you're in the same boat.

Just my two cents.

[–]FKaroundNfindOUT7 points8 points  (10 children) | Copy

What you did wasn't necessary AND HERE IS WHY:

You closed the loop. She now has closure. You were an asshole anyway so she dodged a bullet.

Instead, don't answer. She hasn't hurt you. As far as she knows, you forgot and are off getting some head from some other girl.

This situation happens to everyone but it most often happens when you put more pressure than pull on her online. If there is ANY possibility that she will have to meet a stranger, alone in a strange place there better be a fucking powerful incentive (perfect body is about all I con think of online). Instead, have the first date be something you are doing that she joins. Now, suddenly all the pressure is gone. She won't be alone and the success of the night in no way rests with her.

Do that and your flakes will almost disappear. Those that don't want matter as you were already doing something.

[–]LeGone_James 1 points [recovered]  (9 children) | Copy

Look I never understand why people like you care what the female thinks and how she tries to justify it... who the fuck cares? She isn’t going to be apart of his life after this, how she thinks or feels about him doesn’t mean shit.

[–]FKaroundNfindOUT0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Wasn't implying you should care in any way. It's just an exercise I found helpful to avoid getting into ANY of the bs emotional show women like to put into a separation. A byproduct of assuming all minds default to logic probably.

If it works well, why would I change?

[–][deleted] -1 points0 points  (7 children) | Copy

He brings up valid points about keeping the door open in case if she comes back wanting some of his dick in her ass though if all else fails.

[–]LeGone_James 1 points [recovered]  (6 children) | Copy

That shows no abundance though

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy

Would you rather invest more time trying to find a new chick or would you rather keep the door open where the girl could come back to you without having to do a thing?

You can still go after new chicks but no need to close the door. It's nice to have more pussy around

[–]ramokaly2 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy

Matter of fact is you’ll never see those girls again. They will never come back. You are just deluding yourself if you think that by “leaving the door open” for her she will come crawling back.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

He was her plan b, that doesn't mean that there isn't any chance left

[–]ramokaly1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Scarcity much. Why accept being plan b (or z) when you could be another girl’s plan A?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Maybe cause sometimes you wanna quick fuck? OP did fine though he didn't really care

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

But for a guy with self respect who wants to deal with women who dicked them around from day 1?

[–]WakeUpAlreadyDude5 points6 points  (2 children) | Copy

This was an interesting shit test. What she did was see whether you were the kind of guy who would accommodate her potential neurotic behavior.

Everyone is focusing on her calling 30 minutes ahead and how she had a better deal, got cold feet or stood you up. Not a chance, because she gave a GIANT RED FLAG excuse.

She’s stressed out from her day. If you’re the kind of guy who accepts that as an excuse, then you are prolly a beta who will tend to her fee-fees all of the time. Either that or she’s got some mood disorder where she can’t handle things normally.

The fact that she said what she did was all you ever needed to know. Good job!

[–]i_forget_my_userids7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy

Goddamn the idiots in this place latch onto a couple of buzzwords and overlay them onto everything. It's not a shit test. She flaked or changed her mind. Not every interaction with a female is a test.

[–]Big_Red_suppository1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Her underlying reasoning isnt particularly important. Was it a shit test? Possibly. Did she lose interest in him and this was how she was going to start the process of dropping him? We all know that's more likely than her directly telling him shes not interested.

Either way he handled it correctly. I've had a few similar interactions with women where even if it's a shit test there is no winning move. The look on their face when I pull an OP typically indicates their hidden agenda. They look like they have just been told no the first time in their life. I think the main reason for a lot of women's shitty behavior is precisely because so many men put up with it. Dudes need to stop rewarding shitty behavior just because they are desperate for pussy.

[–]willso861 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

Did she reply to you after "nah im good"

[–]Backthatpassup451[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

No reply yet

[–]willso860 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

She is a cunt

[–]Atheist_Utopia1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

What did she reply?

[–]Backthatpassup451[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

She hasn’t replied.

[–]rAFCdadHUSBAND1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

There's a great opportunity for you to hit the gym instead now.

[–]ovrload1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Delete tinder. Thank me later

[–]Backthatpassup451[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I just might lol.

[–]KitMindhead1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

1) Asking if you could reschedule leaves the door open. You should have said, "Already on my way see you in 30 will be fun!" Keep it light, appear unphased by her indecision or flakiness and it might have been salvageable. You should be going even if she doesn't show up.

2) "Nah I'm good" is a butt-hurt response. This girl knows next to nothing nothing about you, has low interest, she won't care, you aren't "teaching her a lesson" the only thing you are doing is trying to protect your fragile little ego.

If you truly can't be bothered with her, no response at all is fine or texting back the word Pretzel is fine too, it really doesn't matter your reply is for your own ego it has nothing to do with her.

Guys with true abundance aren't phased and are used to flakiness like this, they remain playful and flirtatious even with women not acting the way they want. If you are going to play the Tinder or numbers game, you have to realize women will be flaky, its a hookup app what do you expect? There are ways you can keep your flake rate lower but on Tinder this is par for the course.

[–]Bilskee13 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Fucking truth. No one apparently reads sidebar anymore. Rollo talks over and over about watch their behavior not words. What did her actions shiw? She took the time to txt him and give him 1 last shit test. He failed, tried slipping out of blame like a women than found more cucks to upvote him on the forums so he can feel validated lol.

[–]rpmc831 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

This happens a lot. I was going to hang out with one on Saturday night. She said she needed 45 min to get ready, then we'll meet up. After about that time, I ask if she's good to go and she tells me she can't get a ride. I offered to pick her up and she agreed. 5 minutes later she says it might be too late in the evening and can we reschedule for tomorrow. I let it go, but then the next day at 3pm, I asked if we're still on for that evening. She tells me she's stuck in the next town over and trying to get a ride back. 2 hours later I tell her to let me know because I'm making other plans for the evening and she says she's sorry, maybe this week.

I'm obviously a backup plan here. It seems to be common for many women to make affirmative plans with multiple people, so that if #1 fails, they have the backup, but if #1 doesn't fail, well Mr. Backup can go suck a bag of dicks.

[–]Venenarium1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

I think you've overreacted - girls are going to flake you like it or not.

If you have little tolerance for that then you could have waited for her to reschedule/pick a new date-venue.

[–]Backthatpassup451[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

I dont think i did. It's not the flake that annoyed me, it's how soon to the date she did it. If you're ok with people treating you like that, then more power to you.

[–]Venenarium0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

It just won't rustle my Jimmies when it happens, if you know what I mean. I literally always have a million other things to do I can switch to instantly

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

hahahahaha bro she probably was just stressed. i mean she couldve lied, but maybe not. its done and over with in the past now. if she not about it that day she isnt about it. but never know with women they'll bang your line at the weridest time to smash or just chill and talk.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Perfect execution, learn from this man boys.

[–]Andgelyo1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

100% the right thing to do. Would have done the same thing. Delete her number, messages, and phone calls, and hard next. Time is the most valuable thing in the world in my opinion.

[–]1walawalawa1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Perfect response. Now watch her start chasing.

[–]Vynxe-Vainglory0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Probably best.

I like zero tolerance. It has flavor.

I probably would have just said “lol” and then silence until I hear something I like.

Leaves it more open for her to try and make it up to you.

[–]fucktard_engineer0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I've been in a similar spot before. Said fuck it and just went to the bar anyways and actually had a blast with the locals. Was new to the city and didn't really know anyone in town.

But be strong and don't go crawling back for a second chance.

[–]FlyingSexistPig0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Were you too harsh? No. You conveyed very clearly that you value your time. You are the prize.

[–]CharlesChadworth0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Not harsh at all. If you called your boss 30min prior saying yea I can't come in compared to telling him 1 week in advance you need that day off. Well you know what he would say.

[–]FinancialElephant0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

A neutral glib response is best. Showing you care, even if you actually do, is weak and low status. High status men don't get emotional over small things. What you did wasn't wrong but it was sub-optimal. That plate is dropped. Maybe you didn't care, but if you didn't I don't think you would ask if you were being too harsh.

[–]Garathon0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Nah, you do you. If this is how she acts on the first date it won't get better.

[–]triumpharted0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

She flaked 30 min before the date, with a pretty weak excuse. Had she needed to reschedule due to something serious then I’d give her a second chance....but she didn’t, she was stressed???

You played it well in my opinion. You could’ve given a nonchalant response showing you don’t care, thinking it’s what a “high status” male would do, and maybe keeping the connection somewhat alive, but that’s not the right approach.

A person that has their shit together, lives an interesting life, and brings a lot to the table...values their time greatly. There are so many women that you could have had a great time with tonight, but this one rotten apple essentially wasted that.

You did the right thing here, dodged a bullet!

[–]NeedRealityShock0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

No, she would have found another excuse next time while still stringing you along. I speak from experience.

This kind of women are incredibly selfish, don't engage in their games.

[–]mysticplaces0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Congratulations, you’ve earned yourself a small sliver of power by not letting this girl walk all over the remnants of your self-respect. Don’t invest any more of your time, energy, thought processes or emotions on this twat/absolutely meaningless situation.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Alot of SIMPS in here.... You did the right thing. She didnt respect your time and waited 30min before canceling? Screw that, move on to the next. I mean come on, are we seriously that hung up on pussy where we are telling OP he should have been nice to some chick who clearly had no respect for him or his time in hopes of having a chance at hers? I thought we were red pill?

[–]shuritsen0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

2 hours before.. maybe.

30 minutes, nah. That's certified dead.

[–]Crixusgannicus0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Well done Sir!

[–]bostezo220 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You, perfect.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Also, from personal experience, don’t ever schedule something that far in advance with a tinder girl. It almost needs to be an instantaneous thing to ever work on there. Girls are naturally flaky and always on the lookout for the next best thing.

[–]sonnydanger0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Did the right thing OP. Everyone should take note; this is an example of self respect.

[–]TheGoldenLeprechaun0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Other possibilities.

  1. She really did have a fucked up day at work. LOTS of chicks are already on the border of mental breakdowns. Especially the ones that have female bosses.

  2. Could have amplified, called and invited yourself over. If #1 was true

  3. She lied but it was because of a massive period and she was embarrassed to say so.

Me?: Probably wouldn't have even replied.

[–]TheHumbleAfrican0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You did what you were supposed to do.

[–]Freedom__Fighter0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Your response was good, no response would have been even better and go complete ghost on her forever. You'd get a series of hilarious texts of her melts in the days, weeks and months to come.

[–]Bilskee10 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

She turned you down**** you didnt turn her down. First time dealing with rejection ? She didnt ghost you at the bar and gave you warning. At least she said something. Learn from it and move on.

[–]Backthatpassup451[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

You sound like a fool. Just because she said something doesn’t make it better. She still disrespected my time. And I did learn something. I learnt how to respect my time. You should try it buddy.

That was not a warning. That was a last second flake.

[–]wholefoodsvillian0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

technically she turned you down, but great response nonetheless.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I'm impressed with your response. Both the decision, and the wording you used. You definitely did the right thing, way to go bro.

[–]SoulRebel990 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Hold up, looks like she was turning to you for leadership. Yeah you moved on, but this could've been an opportunity for you to say, "drinks are a perfect way to relax." Don't be so quick to next, but always lead. But yeah if after that she still leans to flaking, next, but always use the opportunity to reduce her objections.

[–]Backthatpassup451[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

That sounds needy as hell. I did lead. I asked for her number and asked her out on the date. The ball was in her court. I'm not gonna push the issue if she says she can't make it.

[–]SoulRebel991 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

It's not needy if it's one additional text. Like with everything, context matters, obviously if there's no overt interest on her part, then yes. But I've managed to get girls out, even if they're tired or have family obligations, you have to persuade muthafucka. I persist once and then back off, it makes you look assertive and not passive. But context is key. Every man's frame of reference is different, if you've never been successful with doing that, maybe there's not enough interest there to begin with. It's a game man, play it and see what happens. Use girlschase.com if you haven't.

[–]ExperienceNeeded50 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Aren’t we suppose to show patience, as a form of Alpha “Masculinity” in this situation. Due to the very fact that if you reject the next offer it’ll seem as if your feelings were hurt.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Nah. Not really. OP accepts abundance, so why waste his time with her.

Personally, I give a girl two chances. I tell her too pick whatever later date she wants to go on, and maybe I’ll be available. If she flakes on the day/time she sets, then it’s whatever.

A lot of pussy out there to waste your time with a flakey one, brother.

[–]anon100200kk0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I'm a little late here, but I think you sounded a little too happy to see her when you said "of course". As if you wouldn't miss this date for the world. Just my 2 cents.

[–]dadfrombrad0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Us guys cancel dates too because we are stressed, sometimes even last minute. You have the perfect set up to get her crawling back to you right now if you take the shot

[–]BigDickEnergy1230 points1 point  (12 children) | Copy

So rather than have a tiny chance you decided to completely ruin it?

Most girls cancel on first dates usually. Just don't care. Usually when a girl does that I set up a different date with a different girl and Snapchat it.

Then guess what...the first girl usually wants to hangout again.

Super manipulative, but it works super well.

[–]Backthatpassup451[S] 6 points7 points  (11 children) | Copy

So what if i ruined my "tiny chance"? There's too many women out here to be giving out second chances to people who waste your time.

[–]Endorsed ContributorAuvergnat4 points5 points  (4 children) | Copy

Did you factor in the time and effort it takes to get back on tinder, swiping, get another match, texting back and forth, and setting up a time? Isn’t it more a waste of time than answering to that one “ok but drinks on you next time” and wait for an answer to figure if she did have cold feet and is really wasting your time or if she was actually tired from work and anxious of possibly making a bad first impression?

[–]Backthatpassup451[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

Who said tinder was my only option with dating?

[–]BigDickEnergy123-1 points0 points  (2 children) | Copy

If you really had as many options as you say you did you wouldn't have acted like that towards her.

You wouldn't have gotten online and posted a fucking thread about it to make yourself feel better/validated...

[–]Backthatpassup451[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Me having many options is the main reason why I said what I said. Too many women out to there to be giving second chances like that.

[–]BigDickEnergy1231 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Fair enough.

I will say I've hooked up with 5-10 extra girls by just saying "oh yeah sure, no worries." and then half the time they reach out again.

[–]BigDickEnergy1230 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

Yeah there's a bunch of women, but closing off an option completely because you're bitter is fucking straight up retarded no matter how many options there are.

A 1% chance is always better than a 0%. You're just upset you got rejected, which you didn't even get rejected until your ego/pride fucked yourself over.

Tldr; you rejected yourself dude and acting like you rejected her.

[–]Backthatpassup451[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

Wtf are you talking about? I never said I was upset. I don’t care if I get rejected, because it happens I get it. But when you waste my time like that especially from the beginning, I’m good with future dates.

[–]BigDickEnergy1231 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

No one's wasting anyone's time, it's just a date with two random people online.

She doesn't owe you anything?

Idk man, I don't get your mindset, but oh well, I guess we just disagree.

[–]Backthatpassup451[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Ok well keep that same energy with me. She doesn’t owe me anything, I agree with that. Just like I don’t owe her anything . Doesn’t make me bitter. Just shows I have self respect.

[–]BigDickEnergy123-5 points-4 points  (1 child) | Copy

Yeah...but sex...

You just say "no problem" and leave her on open instead of getting all bitter about it.

It's literally the same exact thing, but you still leave the door open.

The one thing you should never do in life for absolutely anything is burn your birdges.

[–]Backthatpassup451[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Go ahead and keep those bridges open buddy so she can continue to waste your time more.

[–]slaterhuckle0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

maybe she was actually tired or something from work and didn't want to go to a loud bar and was wanting you to suggest something else more low key like coming over and relieving her stress? But I see how you have to maintain principles and I respect just hard nexting her. Girls are pretty fickle though like during her shift maybe some drama happened and put her in a weird mood. Since it was the first date its not like she has much to go off so shes not really invested in you

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You were a “last resort” until a better offer came up from a Chad. The good news is now you know not to waste anymore effort on her.

[–]WakeUpAlreadyDude-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

Sure it is.

[–][deleted] -2 points-1 points  (4 children) | Copy

A good one a friend of mine said before is just to say straight up "if you flake let me know beforehand so I can do something else", you'd probably naturally shy away from being so direct but if you're giving the playful asshole vibe you can get away with it.

[–]ReturnsOver 1 points [recovered]  (1 child) | Copy

That comes across as weak and needy

"Let me know so I can do something else"

Real men can find something to do wherever whenever.

He says he was on his way to the bar when she flaked, well he could've gone to the bar anyway to chat up randoms be it girls or guys, could've made a detour to the bookstore to grab a book and read, a detour to a real coffeeshop to drink a coffee and read an ebook on your phone in a nice ambience, hit up guy friends to hang out, etc

The suggested reply you give is terrible to be quite frank

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Her: I know for definite I don't have any plans tomorrow night I'm just afraid I'll chicken out

Him: If you flake let me know before hand so I can do something else

Her: Oh ok

Him: Don't worry I'm not gonna kidnap you unless you're into that sort of thing

Her: You're so confident it kind of intimidates me

Just a few lines from a screenshot he sent me, I don't think that reeks of neediness. Don't get me wrong it can be done in a way that is needy but if the vibe is "are you going to waste my time I'm kind of busy" then there's no problem being straight up.

[–]Backthatpassup451[S] 3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy

Isn’t that letting her know that I’m always getting flaked on? Doesn’t make me look masculine asking her to tell me if she’s gonna flake. Now asking her to tell me if she’s running late is a different story.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

It does and it doesn't. At the end of the day I think it's more masculine to be straight up about something which might be a problem and not worry about what neediness you might be giving off. I mean we all know the feeling of straining to find the words to say something very simple in a non-needy, non-beta way, is it really masculine to be in that state?



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