666,886 posts

Alpha Boss Problem

by wildnight98 | August 14, 2018 | askMRP

27 upvotes

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51, 5'10", 175, 32" waist. DL 265, SQ 270, BP 205 (tho deloaded for shoulder at present). Pilldate Oct '17. Reading: sidebar complete, some 2x. Currently listening to The Way of Men. Dread level 4-5. Sorry about the length, trying to keep it short.

Quick Summary of MRP Progress. Made it over the initial hump, feeling so much more free and "back to myself." Chronic marital arguments now almost completely gone, due to use of AA, fogging, broken record and her learning I remove myself when she isn't nice. Sex 1000% better than pre-MRP, crazy enthusiastic during ovulation, hit and miss rest of month. Still dealing with long-term power struggles over complete control of finances (I have most control) and over small day-to-day stuff. She follows my lead on the big stuff.

The 2016-2017 "Incident." I had this strong instinct that she was cheating during 2016-2017 for about six months. I won't bore you with all the usual details but she turned off location tracking on all her devices and acted weird and a laundry list of other little signs, out of town business trips, late work dinners etc. I never got any direct evidence. She's in tech and is a natural detective so her opsec would be strong. It ended with her coming home from one of the work dinners--where I expected her to stay out till midnight as usual (cue various routine excuses and explanations)--she was home early and she was very very angry, and stayed angry for several days. She wouldn't admit to being upset when asked. I suspect the reason may be her affair partner broke it off and she was pissed (broken branch, oops). Again, not enough evidence to take action. All the "signs" and my instincts quiet after this incident.

The Alpha Boss. She's worked for this guy for 15 years as he built his company from $2M sales to $95M annual through two rounds of VC. He made millions along the way. He is a martial arts hobbyist, an nth degree blackbelt, and travels constantly for national and international competitions. Obviously in shape. About 7 years younger than me (my wife's age). He just started being a sought-after "thought leader" speaker in his industry. My wife has worked for him longer than any of the rest of his management team. She's his "right hand gal" or as close to it as it gets. He's extremely likable and I like him a lot. We've known each other for as long as my wife has worked for him and even hung out a couple times (work schedules interfere). She works on special projects all the time for him in evenings and on weekends (at home).

The Praise Incident. So last night at dinner we were talking about somebody challenging her boss in a business scenario and she started explaining why she thought this challenger didn't have a chance. By way of explaining, she said her boss is the smartest guy she ever met, he has a photographic memory, he thinks really well and fast on his feet, blah blah blah blah blah and he's funny and everyone likes him. As she was talking a cold hand gripped my intestines and squeezed and I heard a voice in my head saying "hey idiot, are you listening to this hypergamous confession?" I can't believe I missed it. It was right in front of me the whole time.

Where to next? I'm at the point in my MRPer journey where I usually try to figure out my own problems and the roadblocks for myself without posting, and so far I have. This one has me stumped. Short of giving her an ultimatum to quit her job, which seems really reckless for a variety of reasons, I don't see what I can do to improve my marriage while this boss is spending more time with my wife than I am, with all his good attributes and none of his bad ones (that his own wife probably sees clearly but my wife doesn't because they're always in his element). I'm doing great and never felt better but I am always going to be chasing this guy who gets more of my wife's attention than I do. Anybody successfully dealt with a situation like this before? Thanks, sorry about the length.

tl;dr. My wife works for a solid alpha boss whom she admires, probably hypergamously, and loves her job etc, and he seems like a huge impediment to me building the marriage I want.


Post Information
Title Alpha Boss Problem
Author wildnight98
Upvotes 27
Comments 127
Date 14 August 2018 01:39 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/204102
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/978fr4/alpha_boss_problem/
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Comments

[–]JudgeDoom6922 points23 points  (18 children) | Copy

There will always be men with a higher SMV than you. There will be dudes with more money, better fitness, smarter, whatever.

And the lizard portion of your wife's brain will recognize superior breeding stock and she will feel attraction toward men with a higher SMV. All Women Are Like That, whether they admit it or not.

It's no different than you thinking a bikini model is hot. You can't help being attracted to things that are attractive.

You need to have enough confidence in yourself to believe that she will stick around. And enough confidence to know that if your turn with her is over, and she doesn't stick around, you will be in a position to upgrade to a younger, hotter model.

giving her an ultimatum to quit her job

This would be an incredibly weak and insecure thing to do, and would probably drive her straight into his bed.

The correct answer is to shut the fuck up about it. You're the prize here, not her, and not her boss.

[–]WesternhagenWinner7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy

The problem is much more acute when the man with higher SMV is her boss, who she probably spends more time with every day than the OP, and who she is much more conditioned to obeying than the OP. It's not just an abstract "higher SMV guy" like Brad Pitt who she will see on the screen but never see in person. It's a real Brad Pitt who she actually sees in person every day, and she spends all day serving him, and she cannot avoid comparing him to her husband.

You're the prize here, not her, and not her boss.

The OP has got to convince himself (and her) that he's more of a prize than Brad Pitt. I sense that the OP doubts this.

[–]MrChad_ThundercockBig Red Machine31 points32 points  (35 children) | Copy

I have a hard-on just reading about him...

[–]FoxShitNasty837 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy

Glad I'm not the only one

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red0 points1 point  (10 children) | Copy

OP needs to post a pic of him so we can see how Alpha he really is...

Plus, other reasons. lmao.

This post is so gay.

[–]PersaeusRed Beret1 point2 points  (7 children) | Copy

something like this i imagine. so hot

[–]JudgeDoom690 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

if OP's wife comes home from work with ligature marks on her wrists and ankles, that's a little clue

[–]PersaeusRed Beret1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Yep , I had a married plate last year that I kept on a dog collar and chain whenever we were together. One night I got real rough and left marks on her throat. She said that’s what makeup is for

[–]BobbyPeruRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I picture him more like a combination of Ryan Gosling and Duane Johnson. That dude fucks for sure... his wife

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

If we were over on the steroid Reddit I would advise OP to up the Tren and fuck both the wife and boss to assert dominance.

But we are not over there.

[–]weakandsensitive0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

you ever see the before and after of Bezos? Money does fantastic things.

[–]PersaeusRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

it does indeed. pretty sure Jeff put in some work in the gym too. he looks great and i love the way he obviously gives zero fucks about what anybody thinks about it

[–]BobbyPeruRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

He’s alpha as wolf bro

[–]drty_prRed Beret8 points9 points  (4 children) | Copy

I hope you can see the underlying motive in your desire for her to Fuck him and make this thing a whole lot easier. Buh Bye....

[–]PersaeusRed Beret3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

i had the exact same though, OP hamster is running deep for a way out of the maze. i really don't think anybody needs to ask me how i know.

[–]calmwater11 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I think OP and I have a lot of things in common - started MRP at the same time, in our 50's, wife has an alpha boss, and I have recently noticed myself looking for a reason to kill the puppy (make the decision easier). I thought about it and don't like the answers I came up with, which is that it's still too early to go and I need to put in more work. Ultimately stay or go will be fine for me (all of us) but staying and doing the work is the better option. Sometimes it seems like divorce is the "easy" answer, and for some it is. Right now I do not think that is the answer for me or OP.

In regards to the alpha boss you have to ignore it, not be jealous or butthurt about it. Use your willpower, distract youself, mental tricks, hamster it away instead of amplifying it, whatever works. If she brings it up you need to tease her about it without butthurt, neediness, or jealousy. I have been able to do this personally and she doesn't bring it up anymore.

I have followed your story and you have made a lot of improvements. Fall back on that kind of thinking when you need support, or plan your future improvements.

[–]justpickanyusernameRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Killing small animals can get messy. Better to let the wife handle it.

[–]Rian_StoneMod / Red Beret12 points13 points  (34 children) | Copy

poke fun at her crush, leave her if she fucks him.

[–]dandar46002 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

At the crush itself, not at the guy. Having said that if she already had an affair with him then this poking fun thing is not going to have the desired effect. Op is screwed...or at least his wife is/was.

[–]InconspicuousWand1 point2 points  (17 children) | Copy

Why? What would poking fun do besides come off as jealous. Even if you’re not saying it in a jealous way and in an “I could careless, go for it” kind of way. It still will have an underlying jealous motive.

I’d say just keep doing what you’re doing, STFU about him. But keep and eye out still, till you can prove something. There’s no need to even mention him, it’ll make it seem like you don’t suspect anything and she may be less on her guard if it is happening. In the meantime keep dread high and hit the gym hard

[–]Rian_StoneMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

so it's jealous if you poke fun, a playful shaming.

But it's perfectly normal to keep an eye on her, like that will matter for fuck all.

as for the proof, I can point you to 500 field reports of guys who say that, and mean 'move the goalposts' so that whatever she did didn't count

[–]InconspicuousWand-1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy

Of course it will matter. You can then just leave if you catch her. And shutting up is better than playful shaming. It’s what it portrays to her. Insecurity. If you’re keeping an eye on her you’re not portraying anything, you’re looking out for yourself with out her knowing

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Both your replies revolve around what she thinks, feels, and does. /u/Rian_Stone 's revolve around OP''s actions and attitude. Get out of her head.

[–]johneyapocalypseThe one that says "Bad Motherfucker"0 points1 point  (13 children) | Copy

Nah, stoney's right.

I found out that one of my wife's doctors is a real looker. He's from her "industry" if you can even call it that - where the prototypical male looks like dirty jesus - but he had his shit together - plus piercing blue eyes.

I referred to him as a friend, genuinely thinking they were friends, and she got a bit flustered and even blushed I think.

So I jumped on it and called her on her crush.

I wasn't jealous but I teased her anyway.

There was no underlying jealous motive, there was no perception of jealousy.

It was the act of a rambunctious little boy teasing a cute little girl.

I'll never let that little boy die.

With that said, I speak of teasing and jealousy in general.

OP has a much more challenging situation on his hands, especially since he seems to be implying that his wife already fucked the dude.

[–]InconspicuousWand1 point2 points  (12 children) | Copy

I think the reason men do that. “Oh someone has a crush” is they want to hear the girl say “ew no way” to feel better.

Say what you want if you’re bring up about him being a crush or even poking fun at it. There’s some underlying feelings going on there about it. You’re either just trying to cover it up. Or hope to hear here say “ew” to feel better about it.

Otherwise it’s pretty pointless to say anything

[–]johneyapocalypseThe one that says "Bad Motherfucker"0 points1 point  (11 children) | Copy

If you genuinely fear that much. If you genuinely turn to jealousy so quickly. If you genuinely think you're "covering it up." If you genuinely speak in hopes that her "ew" response will make you feel better.

If you genuinely feel that way then you've lost something intrinsic to being a man.

[–]InconspicuousWand0 points1 point  (10 children) | Copy

You’re just lying to yourself. If you’re saying it there’s a reason for it

[–]johneyapocalypseThe one that says "Bad Motherfucker"-1 points0 points  (9 children) | Copy

So anyone with a different opinion than your own either (1) has ulterior motives or (2) is lying to themselves.

That's rich.

[–]InconspicuousWand0 points1 point  (8 children) | Copy

It’s just the facts of the situation. Why would you say something just to say it. You’re saying it for a reason. The reason being one of those to. Idk I’m a realist and dig deep when it comes to physiology. Surface level. You may just be saying it to joke. But there’s usually another deeper reason.

You wouldn’t be saying that about every guy she comes in to contact with. Because you don’t feel that way about them

[–]johneyapocalypseThe one that says "Bad Motherfucker"0 points1 point  (7 children) | Copy

Your opinion and my own are the difference between scarcity and abundance. I'd encourage you to explore further which end of the spectrum you fall on.

[–]InconspicuousWand2 points3 points  (6 children) | Copy

It has nothing to do with that. If it was abundance, you wouldn’t even bring it up to her because you legit wouldn’t care. Period.

This argument is just going back and forth saying the same things. But my point is if you’re bringing it up to her. You already show you care more than you don’t. And there’s a reason for that. And you’re not giving any valid reason why that would be any different than bringing it up about every other guy. You’re just saying my mentality is wrong. But you’re totally ignoring the issue at hand

You’re like a chick who post IG pictures with her cleavage out. And when someone says she’s doing it for attention and likes, she acts like she has no idea what you’re talking about.

But we all know what’s really going on. As they say behind every joke there’s some truth. And this holds true for this example

[–]PersaeusRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

if OP had the frame, this is exactly what he should do

a feature of my wife and I's relationship when we were dating was we would tease each other about other people and "mysterious strangers". that all dissappeared when i fag'ed out because it ain't any fun if i get all butthurt. we have been back to this teasing now for well over a year.

you can't release the slut if your afraid of her sexuality . . . read Practical Guide to Female Sexuality OP . . . sidebar

[–]MrChad_ThundercockBig Red Machine1 point2 points  (11 children) | Copy

“She works on special projects all the time for him“

I think she already fucked him. OP, it’s over. Move on.

[–]markpf73-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

But he didn’t leave her after she fucked some other work boss? This is all cuck-foreplay for him.

[–]DeepReindeer5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy

What can you do? Nothing. Well, you can hope he's too busy making money and crushing younger, hotter pussy that your wife is invisible to him. If not, they fuck, and you leave her. You had your turn. All the more reason to keep doing your thing. And this, gentlemen, is why married men have plates.

[–]SepeanRed Beret7 points8 points  (1 child) | Copy

Uhoh, you’re seriously in trouble, because MRP only works if you’re the hottest man in the world. /s

Just relax, alpha up and enjoy a happy life instead of worrying about the existence of men who are out of you wife’s league.

[–]helaughsinhidden3 points4 points  (5 children) | Copy

"hey idiot, are you listening to this hypergamous confession?"

Good news is you know the truth and have realized your wife is not a unicorn. I thought my wife was immune too until she got all judgy about a friend of ours dating a younger guy working minimum wage. I said, "give her a break, she told us during poker that she hasn't been with a guy in over 5 years!". My wife says "If..you know, we didn't work out, I would try to settle down with someone MORE established, maybe a bit older, with his own house, not some guy that's going to move into my shitty apartment and help out with some of the groceries". That was my moment of clarity.

FWIW, There's nothing you can do really. She has a crush on him, maybe they were fucking, maybe not. Ok, probably, or at least she was hoping it would get to that anyway. I think the best advice is to openly talk about the crush like it doesn't bother you. As in if I am afraid of something, letting it be secret is the worst thing you can do. It keeps it hidden, naughty, secretive, and dangerous, then it remains to be exciting. If I actually see my wife blushing around a guy, I tease her as if I find it amusing. I'll say shit like "I bet you wish I had (insert compliment here) like he does". It seems, for my wife anyway, to take the wind out of the sails and make her aware that she is getting swept up in a fantasy. I think I've also tossed in some soul crushing dread too like "I bet that car alone gets him laid once a week" or said "I wish I could be his wingman, ha ha". Not sure if any of it works, but it makes me feel better.

[–]Rian_StoneMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

My mom said that shit too. She dumped the guy 6 months later for being too boring. She would rather be alone

[–]light-----------dark5 points6 points  (4 children) | Copy

What is Alpha Boss doing that makes him so desirable and alpha?

Why don’t you STFU and start doing the same shit instead of wasting time figuring out how to get your wife away from him?

[–]WesternhagenWinner4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy

What is Alpha Boss doing that makes him so desirable and alpha?

Running a $95m company, and giving orders to his subordinates that they cannot disobey.

I dunno how much the OP makes, but he's probably not running a $95m company, and the husband/wife relationship is never (these days) going to be "do what I say without argument or you're fired" like a boss/subordinate relationship is.

[–]light-----------dark6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

Sounds like OP needs to build a $100m company so she can get a feel for fucking a boss - if she isn’t already fucking her current one.

[–]gettingmymojobackRed Beret5 points6 points  (12 children) | Copy

The good news is, if he’s as Alpha as you say he is....what makes you think he’s interested in fucking your 44 year old wife?

Take off the wife goggles for a moment and realize that he’s got his targets set on the same types we all would in his position , hotter, younger, tighter and firmer.

If he wants to fuck her he probably could....it’s irrelevant. You know what you have to do,

[–]robertwservice19745 points6 points  (5 children) | Copy

In the interest of comparing notes, my experience has been that when I have lost weight, comments about other men increase in what has seemed like an overt attempt to arouse jealousy in me.

These comments are similar to what you described, and recently I've been hearing more of them as I have become fitter over the past six months. Perhaps it is a form of jealousy shit test in response to your dread level 4-5, like she's feeling dread and trying to alleviate that feeling by eliciting a jealousy response from you.

Although I've looked (spent time searching this topic last week), I haven't been able to find much describing this behavior in the MRP subs or sidebar materials, and recognize that I may be confusing correlation and causation.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Yup, shit test. Wants to see if your frame matches the improved exterior or if it's all just for show. It means that you're on the right track.

[–]PersaeusRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I have lost weight, comments about other men increase in what has seemed like an overt attempt to arouse jealousy in me.

100% agree with this in my experience. also, if you tease her about her crush and show her that you are not afraid of her sexuality it goes a long way to releasing the Krakenslut

[–]PersaeusRed Beret3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy

bro, your wife had an affair back in 2016-2017. i have been the other guy; and your read of her actions is exactly how she acted during he affair and after i showed her door.

here's my advice on that for what it's worth

it's very very unlikely it was with her boss.

her boss is not any impediment at all as has been already explained.

give less fucks, and tease more.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Worked for him for 15 years... he's probably more of a father figure than anything at this point.

She may have been fucking somebody for those 6 months, but I'm not convinced that it was this guy.

[–]BobbyPeruRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Work affairs are the easiest to get away with, so you are never going to know if she did or if she will. You just have to let it go and focus on yourself. Lift, sidebar, social life, dread. You have to let it go, or it will end up driving you nuts . Definitely keep a loose eye on it, but don’t become obsessed.

[–]Big_Daddy_PDX1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

If this guy is so awesome, why would he duck your Wall wife when he is more than likely shagging younger chicks that are happy to be on the carousel with his bank roll?

She’s just demonstrating her lower value and does t realize how deep past the wall she is. Meanwhile, you don’t understand your increasing SMV because you’re too insecure.

The Stay plan is the same as the Go plan. Have you even consulted a divorce attorney? You should at least be getting some FU money and prepping for a collapse.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Do we go with the "most people are socially retarded" excuse that she didn't know she was insulting you to your face? Well, why not. You've already given her 1000ft of rope. What's 10 feet more.

[–]weakandsensitive0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Have you ever read my favorite post?

The Praise Incident. So last night at dinner we were talking about somebody challenging her boss in a business scenario and she started explaining why she thought this challenger didn't have a chance. By way of explaining, she said her boss is the smartest guy she ever met, he has a photographic memory, he thinks really well and fast on his feet, blah blah blah blah blah and he's funny and everyone likes him. As she was talking a cold hand gripped my intestines and squeezed and I heard a voice in my head saying "hey idiot, are you listening to this hypergamous confession?" I can't believe I missed it. It was right in front of me the whole time.

This is literally every single great leader. Why would you want to work for someone who sucks? Why would you want to follow someone who sucks?

[–]CalvinRichland0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

You think she cheated, why didnt you just walk then?

[–]themormonchurch-2 points-1 points  (2 children) | Copy

Time to tell her you met someone else and move on. Don't ever reveal it has anything to do with your own insecurities. Come at it from a position of strength. You've met someone else, you've been sleeping with her, and you no longer have any feelings for your wife. That's the frame. Honestly I don't see a better option for you.

[–]DeepReindeer5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy

That is a rediculous overreaction.

[–]themormonchurch-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

k



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