Stats: 40, married 18 years, 4 kids. 5’11” 175 lbs, 15% bf still skinny fat abs barely visible. Lifts: sq 235, bench 190, op 110, dl 250, row 140 current sex frequency:none
I’m posting a ton on here lately.
As usual. Long post inbound but needs some details to establish where we are and I’m using this as journaling to organize my thoughts. If it’s too long skip to the TLDR at the end. This is my novel.
Wife and I had a bit of a dustup as I was leaving this morning for work. I think it went pretty well all things considered, but see a few major holes in my game and might be headed for a main event of sorts. Things have been tense lately. Been doing my best to STFU and AM her shit tests about my beard and everyday stuff. Still DEER too much from a lifelong habit of winning (but still losing) arguments.
Been trying to make the beard shit test as silly and sexual as possible. (Leering and telling her I prefer clean shaven too and telling her to go get waxed) Realize I still carry way too much beta anger at her and women in general and I’m rereading the notes on the sidebar now concerning that.
Sex had spiked to 2-4 / week with more enthusiasm thanks to newb gains and owning my shit. Once I stated growing my beard and refusing her hourly demands that I shave, sex went to zero. One starfish quickie in the last 3 weeks. Kino gets rejected “until you shave” slaps on the ass are “disrespectful” now and unwelcome. Forget kissing.
In bed 2 nights back she had acted DTF all day, responded to kino despite the new beard shit tests etc. I reached over and undid the drawstring in her pajamas and she demanded that I ask permission to do that. I laughed, told her no and tried to caveman my way past her resistance. She went stiff, pushed me off, told me to shave and I just rolled over. I know - don’t initiate in bed because there is nowhere to go and you seem butthurt. But schedules really kept anything else impossible that day. A few minutes later she snuggled close and said she just wanted to cuddle. I laughed and told her to ask permission first. She called me a jerk and went to sleep.
Been doing my best to withdraw presence and live in my own frame. 50% success rate. Went out with friends Friday night to a planned activity and got annoying texts from her (see weaponized kids post of mine). Went to a late movie last night with friends, she was pissed that all I did was put it in the calendar a few days back and didn’t ask permission.
She tried to sabotage it by staying out late at her church function past the time when I had to go. No problem. I anticipated this one had the kids ready for bed and had arranged for a sitter. Once wife found out (after she texted and said she couldn’t be back and sorry about your movie night) she was home immediately, canceled and venmoed the sitter $20 for her trouble as I drove down the road. No sex last night when I got back late. She was obviously butthurt.
This morning she reiterated that she was not attracted to me with the beard and I just laughed it off with a “well that’s one opinion”. She is obviously not feeling the dread, sees it as LARPing because then she dropped “well if you want sex my opinion matters, cause it’s the only place you’re getting it”. I chuckled and gave her the raised eyebrow. She flipped.
Yelling about covenenants made (our religious -Mormon situation has a false dread shield of security that she can uses as a stick to beat me over the head with if I let her)
Here is where I fucked up and DEERed way too much. Told her it was a two way street and that she didn’t get to dictate the commitment if she was going to play games when it came to sex. Told her that despite that when I decide to go elsewhere she will be the first to know.
More yelling blah blah blah. Pissed that I am changing everything and being a jerk all the time and don’t respect her anymore.
Inner voice was yelling STFU and go to work, but her hamster has been lost in this maze for a while (my fault) and I figured I would try to lay out a path. DEERing? Absolutely.
Told her that I wasn’t making these changes to save our marriage but to save myself. That I was done living as her oldest child and begging her for sex hoping that some last minute oversight every day wouldn’t keep me from showing mommy all the nice things I had done for her approval. Told her I was tired of doing all the chores at night while she fell asleep with the kids while she had plenty of energy to get up early and run with her friends so she could get all of her emotional connection and satisfaction elsewhere. Tired of being last place. Now in writing it sounds like a victim puke FUCK.
Finished telling her I wasn’t always going to be nice anymore and then blow up with audden anger like I used to. Told her I would be nice when the situation warranted it. Then I left.
Got this text on the way to work.
“I love you. I’m trying. I understand I need to make my own happiness. I understand you need more from me. I know you have changes you are making to save yourself and not our marriage. I feel like our marriage is important (it’s important to me) and I know that it takes work, too. I can’t just work on me and expect our marriage to be good- I have to work at both. I love you and I love our kids. You are the most important thing to me and I want nothing more than to be with all of you forever. I am striving to make our home a happy place for everyone. It’s important to me to have our house be a place the kids feel safe and loved (that might be the only place they feel that at some point in their lives)- not feel constant contention and anxiety over us fighting or whatever it is.”
Didn’t respond. Text is for logistics. Have replied to two logistics texts since but ignored this one.
TLDR: In my eyes appear to be headed for a main event in the next few days and I am busy cramming and rereading everything sidebar I can to get ready for it.
Feel free to call me a faggot.