I'm very new to the MRP journey - only in my second week of a process I'm expecting will take 18-20 months. As such I'm still working my way through the introductory materials and fully acknowledge that I'm not yet equipped to really properly deal with difficult situations in a new way. I need to understand the nasty fight I had with my wife last night and haven't figured it out yet.
So. Last night my wife and I were getting ready to watch some TV before bed. I was lying on the bed, working on my phone and mentally figuring out some scheduling issues for today. She was putting away her laundry and asked me to get her some water. I told her I was lying down - mentally I was trying to set a little tiny boundary. She seemed surprised by that response, continued with her laundry and after about ONE minute went and got her own water. When she came back she was obviously pissed that I hadn't jumped when she snapped her fingers. Stony faced, stomping angry energy to her walk, etc. After a couple minutes of this she confronts me: "I guess when you said you were lying down, that was really a 'no?' Or did you not hear me?" I told her I heard her but that I just hadn't gotten up yet - I was working on something. She thought I "sounded angry" (which I didn't) and stomped off downstairs. When she came back we fought. I tried to defuse the situation by inviting her to cuddle with me and watch our show but she rejected my overtures because she didn't feel good anymore.
The fight began in earnest after that when she tried to accuse me of jumping straight to pissed off even though I wasn't. (All I was doing was resisting her anger - I was actually quite calm at the time.) Some pointless back and forth after that about the goddamn stupid water. My beta tendencies reared up and I tried to comfort her - I love you! Which she threw back in my face - No you don't! You don't even care that I'm crying!
You cry at the drop of a hat, I said, which really pissed her off.
Fuck you, she said.
I wasn't trying to hurt her when I said she cries at the drop of a hat - she is an everyday crier and has been our whole relationship. I said it because I really didn't know how to react to it in the moment.
The fight segued into some weird shit where she tried to get me to admit that I don't think she works hard enough (which she doesn't - I guess she's recognized that) but I didn't want to go there. That felt like a nuke type response to the situation and at that point, I was looking to finish this so I could go do what I wanted to.
Anyway, her anger was waning by that point and shifting, as it always does, into her feeling depressed, helpless, useless and like a failure. She wished she'd never been born, stressed about how shitty she's going to look today after crying so much, how tired she was going to be since the fight went past her bedtime, etc, etc.
After about an hour of all this she'd finally calmed down enough that we could reconnect somewhat and she went to bed. She texted me: "I'm sorry I fucked everything up again. Like always. And I'm sorry that I don't work as hard as you do and that I cry all the time. I will try to fix it."
All this, because I didn't get her some stupid fucking water. It ruined both our evenings (after what had been a really nice day). Can I expect this kind of behavior from her every time I try to display the least bit of spine? Do you think a different reaction from me could have steered the fight in a different direction? Or should I just have gotten her the fucking water? I'm 100% confident the fight wouldn't have happened if I had.
Also, shit. I'm really anxious because I haven't heard from her yet today. I'm fucking worrying about her mood (she's probably going to be in a bad mood all day) because she hasn't sent me any texts. I do recognize that this is my codependent validation seeking behavior so I'm telling those feelings to fuck off. It's still stress which I don't need.
Please remember: I'm new at this and am not yet equipped to deal with these situations in a productive way. Blue pill me would definitely have gotten her the water. I don't want to live like that anymore.