LTR 2yr; she just asked for space

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November 30, 2015

tldr; LTR of two years just asked for space, saying she doesn't feel she took enough time to just be single after getting divorced. We started dating right after both of us divorced.

She says she is feeling smothered and doesn't have time to miss me since we see each other all the time. This is true and I have backed off some.

Another man started texting her a few weeks ago and she told me when it started. (She does have past male friends she stays in contact with). It was just some casual stuff. It eventually escalated to him asking her out. She declined saying she was seeing someone. She told me about it. I may not have handled it well and was upset saying I didn't feel comfortable with him texting her and flirting with her when he was interested, and didn't want her going to movie with him. I was upset she even let it get that far. Maybe she was seeking validation. Should I have just held her and thanked her for how she handled it telling him she was with someone and then tell her I trust her?

Well anyway, he persisted and asked her to go for a walk about a week later, and she went with him. She told me about it later that night.

I probably didn't handle that well either and was upset about it. She says they are just friends and he is a nice guy and that men and women should be able to be friends and that she's not romantically interested in him.

She has a lot of work stress and other financial stress and says she wants a chance to be independent.

She says she's confused and feels numb. She says she has no interest in dating anyone else, just wants time to get her feelings back for me. I want to try and save relationship. She keeps being sort of hot and cold, missing me, but then not wanting me and not receptive to advances saying it doesn't feel right now. It's been a couple weeks. When I push for it she says it makes her frustrated I'm not respecting her. How do I address?

I have read some side bar materials, MMSLP, RM1 and RM2, and others, including NMMNG. Have been lurking and reading red pill related boards for last month. And have been exercising and am in good shape. The NMMNG recommends giving to SO to learn about you, should I share this with her?

I am a Nice Guy, just figured this out, and is probably why ex-wife left as I let her walk all over me in retrospect.

How much space do I give, and how do I do this? Do I just tell her if she wants to be in long term relationship with me that going for walks with other men is not acceptable. I think she'll balk at that. It just doesn't feel appropriate to me for her to do this, although I've probably been wishy washy about it being upset about it. Or do I just go no contact and see how she responds.

Or just tell her I don't care if she goes for walks with other men since I trust her and love her and am confident she can keep it platonic. And then I'll start doing same.

I am not interested having plates, I just feel wired to have and maintain an LTR.

Post Information
Title LTR 2yr; she just asked for space
Author Trpwanderer
Upvotes 7
Comments 20
Date 30 November 2015 02:21 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Original Link
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Red Pill terms found in post:
long term relationshipplatethe red pillNMMNG

[–][deleted] 11 points12 points  (1 child) | Copy

You need to accept that your relationship with this woman is over. You probably cannot save this relationship.

For her this is not about work stress, financial stress, confusion, numbness or "trying to get her feelings back" for you. This is about the fact that she wants to date and fuck other men. Sorry, but that's what it's about. You have no chance to save this relationship. None. She has lost sexual attraction for you. She no longer wants to fuck you. This is what it is about.

This is the first thing you need to do -- accept that this relationship is over.

[–]Trpwanderer[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I appreciate your being blunt. Am figuring out next move from here.

[–][deleted] 15 points16 points  (35 children) | Copy

someone's off to ride the COCK CAROUSEL.

I am not interested having plates, I just feel wired to have and maintain an LTR.

you're a lying faggot, but at least it's obvious why she doesn't want to stick around with you.

[–]Trpwanderer[S] 1 point2 points  (34 children) | Copy

I'm obviously more committed to maintaining the relationship than she is so perhaps that in and of itself is reason to walk. Is it ever possible to have an LTR where each of the people in relationship can do things like go for walk or get coffee with a friend of opposite sex?

[–]sexyshoulderdevil75% Liquid Sarcasm4 points5 points  (10 children) | Copy

Not in your current frame. You're a wet sponge.

Whinemoreplease is slapping you around for a reason. He wants you to toughen up. Take note.

Time for you to start caring less about her and caring more about you. Then it all starts to work like magic.

[–]Trpwanderer[S] 1 point2 points  (9 children) | Copy

Not sure how to write your post regarding "Time for you to start caring less about her and caring more about you. Then it all starts to work like magic.".

I really am trying to toughen up and I came here knowing I would get pummeled. The thing is what does caring more about me look like. Tell her I'm upset with what she did? I suppose I look weak just for asking that.

[–]sexyshoulderdevil75% Liquid Sarcasm8 points9 points  (2 children) | Copy

Listen, I'll let whinemoreplease slap you around some more. I'll take a fatherly approach for a moment. You really need to read the side bar and start from scratch. Caring about you more is about working out with weights, finding some hobbies and ultimately not giving a flying fuck what she ends up doing. Once you get to the point where you seriously don't give a shit whether she stays or goes...she magically won't even fathom wanting to leave. Just get to work and stop worrying about her. It sounds hard now...but just start doing it. She might be a lost cause so stop thinking about her.

And for fuck's, do not tell her you are upset with what she did. Yes, you will look weak. Her 'wanting space' is not so subtle code for...I don't give a fuck about any of this anymore. And you talking about it all is just trying to negotiate desire...which is impossible.

Get to work man. Start on the sidebar from scratch. You've not absorbed anything.

[–]Trpwanderer[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

I appreciate your feedback. I'll restart with the sidebar. I'm starting to care less and less about the outcome as it seems like the relationship is done anyway. The tough part is it sort of feels like two wasted years now that I feel like I'm trying to salvage. So getting from there to totally not caring is hard. But I guess why should I care, and why would I want to be with someone that doesn't want to be all in with me anyways.

[–]sexyshoulderdevil75% Liquid Sarcasm4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

Google: sunk cost fallacy

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

tell her nothing. She isn't the judge in your life. Improve for your sake. I'm betting you don't want 'her' anyways, you just want a 'girl' as some abstract feeling you got.

guaranteed theres 100 more just like her within a stones throw.

[–]Trpwanderer[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

I am trying to improve for my own sake. Not change for her. Just evolve myself, be my best self. I am not seeking her validation for the things I'm doing. I recognize your abstract girl concept feeling. I was married almost half my life so being in a relationship seemed the normal thing to want and do.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

If that was the case, you wouldn't be posting on how to win someone back who told you she wants to fuck more people, and isn't attracted to your ability to lead (read: inablity)

I've been in the same situation myself in other areas. you know the right answer, but just haven't internalized the message yet. Be patient, it comes with practice.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Tell her I'm upset with what she did? I suppose I look weak just for asking that.

Now you are getting it and the answer is No! SHOW her by not giving a fuck. Girls can get cock EASY and they think that means they can get a committed relationship EASY. They usually can- but not to guys that they actually WANT to commit to them.

Those guys are fucking OTHER girls.

Do you get how it works?

[–]Trpwanderer[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

So by not giving a fuck, that just means never care about anything she does or feels period. Don't let her moods or actions affect me in any way? Because I guess frankly I can't control her actions or emotions anyway. When she says she had bad stressful day at work, what's best response? Not care? I overcommitted early in this relationship way early on, which she is not fully ready for, and seems somewhat source of her current anxiety. She does say she's worried I won't be there anymore when she's finally ready to commit more.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

When she says she had bad stressful day at work, what's best response? Not care?

You can care and sympathize and you should! This is your wife (OK, maybe not but same concept- marriage doesn't exist in the West anyway). What you can't do is show that her pain affects your indefatigable frame that she leans on.

I always say if she is behaving herself (i.e. if you are having sex on the regular) you should take time each day to listen to her for a while, preferably while you hold her tight in your arms. THEN you should redirect her just about the time she starts going in circles.

You don't have to "care" by being a little bitch. "Care" by being a strong man who she can rely on for support and comfort.

She does say she's worried I won't be there anymore when she's finally ready to commit more.

2 year LTR and she is dangling your around with her commitment? Oh HELL NO!

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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