Hello again my lovelies,

As always, the perennial topic of paying for dates remains a popular one in this subreddit. Wiser women than I have already pointed out that paying for dates is both polite (as men generally ask women out, and the one who asks out generally pays) as well as reflective of the unfair realities of everyday life for women (we spend more on personal upkeep and still earn less - although that gap is closing). Moreover, as we have pointed out, by paying for dates men are essentially paying you for the opportunity cost of not going out with someone else, as women tend to have more options and must chose whom to spend their precious free time with. Finally, women face a much higher level of danger when dating, and frankly dropping $30 on bolognaise seems like the least he could do.

These are, of course, all true. But they are not the real reason why a man should pay for your dates.

What a man is doing by paying for dates is demonstrating the single most important quality a long-term partner can have: generosity. Ah, I can hear the scrotes of the manosphere frothing at the mouth as I type these words, but I'm actually not referring to financial generosity. No, the most important quality that a man can have in a relationship with a woman is much broader and more fundamental than that: generosity of time, generosity of attention, generosity of kindness, generosity of forgiveness.

If you are a heterosexual woman intending to marry and have children with a man, there is a 100% guarantee that there will be times in your life when you will physically not be able to contribute "50/50", the way our modern society sees it. Pregnancy and childbirth take a toll on the body, as does raising a tiny human, and a miserly a man - a man who comes home from work and demands to know "what you've done all day" as a SAHM - will make you miserable.

A miserly man will expect to make all the financial calls in a relationship, but he will also resent you whenever you need to lean on him. He does this because he loves his money, and himself more generally, more than he loves you. He does this because his lack of generosity means that he cannot put the needs of another ahead of his own needs, and certainly not without a heaping dose of resentment. He is a bean-counter. He is a score-keeper. He only does so that you will do in return. And he will make you miserable.

Certainly, in a long-term relationship, there are many ways of displaying this generosity. He could help you move, or build you something you need, or check in on a sick relative, or help you with a particularly difficult project or presentation. But a man you barely know does not have those avenues: the only thing he can do to display is generous spirit is pay for a meal. It's a small way of saying "I value you making you happy more than I value $30", and it's much more likely to translate into a man who says "I value making you happy more than I value anything".

My husband once said to me, when I apologized for 'burdening' him with my needs: "You can never be a burden, because you are always my number 1 priority". Find a man who feels the same, and let him pay for dinner.