Q4W: Describe your relationship with other women

DemonConsulting · 2018-04-19T12:49:44+00:00

This heavily depends on the type of woman I interact with. I have 3 very close female friends who I can share pretty much anything with, who have the same interests as me and with whom it's great to hang out. There is no competition going on there and no real conflict I can think of other that we're more busy now and live in different places which makes it difficult to meet up regularly/ find a date that's suitable for everyone. They're the type of people who would get up at 2am to organize a surprise birthday party, rob a bank, or hide a body with you.

In general I get along well with other quiet/nerdy/introverted women, as well as the bubbly open kind who are just friends with everyone (there's no way to not get along with them tbh) but it generally stays at a surface level simply because I don't form close relationships very quickly and am not very social.

Who I don't really “get“ are the more socially dominant, sometimes “mean girl“ types - they are usually the ones who keep rearranging their pecking order, etc. and me not being very socially adapt just doesn't fit in. They usually just find me boring so I'm not a target, nor am I part of their groups in any way (unless I were to be forced into their group like in school or if I were to work in HR or something). A lot of people seem to refer to this when talking about “the girls“ so idk I can't say I have much experience with that, just like a nerdy/ introverted guy probably isn't “one of the guys“ if “the guys“ are the popular/extraverted party crowd.

PennnyLame · 2018-04-19T05:56:35+00:00

Depends on the woman and our history. My older sisters and I have a nice mix of camaraderie and mentor/mentee dynamics. Some of my gf’s are more of emotional support systems. Some of them are just fun to hang out with but I know I can’t bring anything heavy or “real” to them or they’re crazy and I need to keep them at an arm’s length. When I was younger, I felt friendly competition with some of my gf’s by have definitely left that behind in my 30’s.

[deleted] · 2018-04-19T07:42:13+00:00

I have a generally positive relationship with other women. I live in a friendly place so I make small talk with female strangers regularly. I enjoy the company of my friends and we don't really have that cattiness that seems to plague others. But I also don't have a friend group, all of my friends are people I've met individually and we usually hang out one-on-one. So there isn't really a competition for social status or male attention. I also don't have a negative relationship with any of my female (or male for that matter) family members. My closest (friendship-wise) relative is my dad's cousin, who is like an older sister/mentor to me in many ways.

I'm part of a screenshot group on Facebook that is all female and witness women bullying other women, so the female relationship isn't all sunshine and rainbows, but it seems like a lot of it is due to women being people, and a significant amount of people are assholes.

meomeowmeoww · 2018-04-19T12:05:30+00:00

Some girls I like some I don't like. I guess I am usually the one to say the truth, which isn't always a good thing. Our group doesn't like one girls bf... all she does is talk shit about him literally never heard her say a single good thing about him in the five? Years they were together. Something happened and she was trying to get us to not hate on him so I mentioned to her we don't like him cause all she does is talk shit. She says well you never asked for the good details... never asked for the shitty one either... she cried. I can be more blunt with guy friends. Quite frankly I don't even think what I said was bad. I just stated some facts. In regards to advice, I mean I just try to be supportive with their decision... because... it's not like they're gonna listen. I am however lucky to have such friends because I'm certain I would be friendless if they weren't so tolerant and positive. They are good to talk to for things that I want to bitch or feel good about, like when I got dumped. They were really nice when that happened. So I think girls are nice but you also have to be nice in return. Or at least sugar coat things.

So I am trying to make more friends right? You'll have women saying they're SO lonely but then they also don't actually want to message be friends and then meet. I've tried a few times and they keep dodging. It's not limited to women though.

[deleted] · 2018-04-19T11:17:48+00:00

I've always gotten along well with other women. Never experienced the "frenemy" dynamic or the backstabbing and cattiness that is supposedly so rampant in female circles.

I've had the same two best friends since elementary school; they're like sisters to me. One of them ended up in the same city as I did, so we hang out pretty frequently. The other one is farther away and I don't get to see her much, but we visit each other when we can, and we've had an ongoing back-and-forth in email for the past...10 years? Before that, when we still lived near each other, we were inseparable. She's my oldest and closest friend.

I have a few other, less close girl friends in my city who I hang out with from time to time. And I get along well with the SO's of my husband's friends.

I'm also very close to the women in my family, particularly my mom, aunt (mom's closest sister), my aunt's two daughters and my grandmother. We take little road trips together, have an ongoing group Facebook message and are generally just very tight.

My husband has four sisters, and I'll admit I was a little intimidated marrying into that -- having two brothers myself, I know that brothers' girlfriends and wives are sometimes viewed with suspicion. But they have been nothing but kind and sweet to me. I've become really good friends with his youngest sister especially.

So yeah. Generally, throughout my life, women have been nice to me and easy to get along with. There was a brief period where I was a "cool girl" with mostly guy friends, but that had more to do with me than other women.

HigHog · 2018-04-19T07:54:37+00:00

Not sure what there is to say. I can be more touchy-feely and open with my female friends than my male friends because they don't mistake affection for flirting. The only difference I've noticed between my female-female friendships and my husbands male-male friendships is we talk more about feelings.

Electra_Cute · 2018-04-19T05:47:10+00:00

Awful. I have poor social skills and I think I am horrible to have around.

belletaco · 2018-04-19T08:19:24+00:00

i have 3 super close girlfriends, and the four of us are like a cross between sisters and cheerleaders for each other. we hang out like 2-3 times a week for lots of heavy conversation, hugs, telling each other how cute/strong/smart/talented we are. i have honestly never felt any competition with them, and i'm pretty sure we're all going to end up living on some kind of commune together. these are the girls who would turn up at my house at 4am if i had to hide a body.

apart from that i have some female acquaintances who i'll gladly hang out with, go for a drink, chat about life, but it stays a bit superficial. when we were younger there was definitely a bit of competition or jealousy between us from time to time, but at 30 no-one cares about that stuff anymore. it's much more chill.

i've never had the "frenemy" thing you see on TV. i'm very INTP and like to keep my circles tight, so if i'm not feeling a whole lotta love for someone i just don't have anything to do with them.

[deleted] · 2018-04-19T13:23:59+00:00

I have varying degrees of relationships.

I have some friends where we meet every couple of weeks, usually for brunch. It can be superficial at times or the convo just isn’t very deep emotionally. We talk about work, dating, learning German, any exciting things we have done lately.

Then 2 closer girlfriends in my city, we have a group whatsapp chat and send stuff each day: funny memes, news links, dating stories/advice, work stuff, family gossip, feelings. We are like cheerleaders for each other, especially if someone is going through a low period. We usually have dinner through the week and then meet on the weekend. These are the girls I’d get high with, travel with. That said, we don’t really share a lot of the same hobbies, which bums me out sometimes. They are very into Netflix and I have more masculine-inclined interests.

Then my best girlfriend (from high school) and my sister who are both back in my home country. We skype a couple of times a week. They know me completely, so it’s a very deep emotional relationship. We talk a lot more about feelings and our varying degrees of existential crises. They are both married and my sister has children so they have different/interesting perspectives.

I’m quite extroverted and tend to be the “fun friend” that girls want to keep hanging out with but to be totally honest, I find a lot of girls boring. I tend to relate better to those with higher IQ but they are usually workaholics and better in short doses. I don’t talk about philosophy, books, or science-y stuff with any girls really :(

belletaco · 2018-04-19T14:13:55+00:00

I have a lot of female friends varying from childhood, high school and college friends. I've managed to introduce a lot of them and they get along which is nice. Each one of them is different and fulfill different needs. There are ones I strictly go out to bars with, ones I can cook dinner and lay on the couch with, ones I travel with and then my best friend who is kind of all of that. They all work in diverse fields and have different interests so conversation is always pretty interesting. Meh, I love my female friends and they make me feel gooey ;')

The only downside is I'm a bridesmaid for the next 5 years of my life.

SmurfESmurferson · 2018-04-19T14:21:13+00:00

I'm a very social person, and a "girly girl" who loves my female friendships. Thanks to moving around quite a bit from birth through almost 30, I have a bunch of girl friends scattered all over the country. Many of whom I talk to frequently; I see my local girl friends anywhere from once every month or two, to multiple times a week.

Because of this, my husband has been surprised by some of the girl/girl dynamics that are always at play:

Covert communication - men prefer bluntness, but women soften our message. There is ambiguity, but our overarching message is almost always received (especially in person, when we marry it to body language and facial expressions, as well as tone)
Communication forensics - we LOVE dissecting conversations and interactions. I can spend hours with girl friends helping them figure out what their guy mean when they said "close the door behind you." It's wildly interesting to female brained women
Shopping as bonding - Maybe TRP is onto something with the evopsych here, because women love to bond over modern day hunting and gathering. If I like a woman's top, I'll stop her on the street and ask where she got it. After brunch, my friends and I will sometimes peruse through stores, looking at things and chatting. If you want women to be blunt, send one girl into a dressing room in front of her friends - no one's letting her buy something that doesn't look good
Care taking as bonding - Just look at Pinterest, this is the perfect example. We share recipes, cooking tips, cleaning tips, organizing tips, parenting tips, pet tips, makeup tips, etc. We're a collaborative gender
FSM - This is a clunky as hell metaphor, but here it is. Men's friend groups may be like a ladder, but women's are like a wagon wheel. There's almost always one hub girl (who initiates many of the social outings and sets the norms), while others are like the spokes (supporting the group, moving gossip/stories forward, each serving their own purpose within the group). Then you have your tertiary friends, who aren't particularly close to the in-group, but serve in their own way
Impressing other women - We live for this. From how we dress, to our makeup, to our hair/grooming, a LOT of our aesthetic choices are tied to what we think other women will be impressed by. Men are the last thing we think about when getting dressed
Gossip - Yes, we gossip. To guys, it doesn't make sense. But think of gossip - even nasty gossip - like the way guys will fight each other. It's rule enforcement, and sometimes personal boundary enforcement. Someone violated a very obvious rule, they get spoken about
Friendship Siberia - This pretty much went down in my group yesterday, so I may be a little scattered on this - apologies if so. Occasionally, gossip won't be enough to keep bring a friend back in line. That spoke is popping off its hinges, so to speak, and there's no repairing it. In that case, she'll be removed from the group

haunting-you · 2018-04-19T09:04:30+00:00

i’ve never had the typical TV version of female friendships; no Serena and Blair, no Betty and Veronica. i have had a Trish and Jessica friendship, but only once and long ago.

for me, these days, it is mostly positive. we’re grown up, past the drama phase in life, and more comfortable in our skins. we chat about work, TV, personal lives, though none of those discussions get racy because we all have partners and private relationships (plus the men in those relationships are often in the same circle, another reason not to discuss things like sex lives).

overall, we appreciate the ways we differ and align; it’s exciting to discuss both for different reasons. every now and then there can be some friction (if someone is new, if something happened), but it’s all very passive and evaporates fairly quickly. no one really brings it up, we just proceed past it.

kompt · 2018-04-19T10:41:18+00:00

My girlfriends are either close, or just acquaintances - I never cared for a middle ground of hanging out with people that I feel are "only good to hang out with," applied to both men and women.

Our dynamics are support when one needs it, advice when one truly wants it, and just generally being there for each other's ups and downs in down-to-earth moderation, but we're nowhere near the overly-complimenting shoppaholic squeal-over-new-engagement-ring galpal friendships. We mostly play video games, travel together and share dumbass memes.

vanBeethovenLudwig · 2018-04-19T13:16:23+00:00

With my closest girlfriends - we can rant to each other, tell stories about our day/past/childhood, give emotional support, joke around with each other, talk about our hobbies/books we read, generally give good company. I would say I have about 10 girlfriends like this.

Women bond by complaining and admitting our faults/problems/insecurities to each other. The reason why women will hate other women is if we have an image that the other woman is "perfect" and therefore we feel the need to compete with her for male attention and/or feel that we need to be "better" than her.

Once women can admit their insecurities to each other, you're in a sisterhood. If another woman cannot admit her faults to you, then there is no chance to have a friendship.

quotient_is · 2018-04-19T13:20:18+00:00

I'm not a particularly social person in the first place, so I have few relationships with both men and women.

I've had two very close female friends since about 8th grade, but I don't keep up with them regularly anymore. We've all got our own lives and whatnot. We used to spend a lot of time together and none of us have any patience for catty bullshit.

I see one of them in person maybe three times a year and it's always refreshing. The other now lives across the country, has made some unfortunate choices for herself, and we now mostly keep up through Facebook.

I made another female friend a couple of years ago and I enjoyed her a lot. Her extroversion made me step outside my comfort zone and experience new things. Her life is so endlessly dramatic that I had to step back from it, though. That shit is exhausting and it's demoralizing to deal with people who can't be rational about their own problems. This was probably the closest I've ever been to being "one of the girls"

I tend to keep acquaintances at arm's length, but I manage to get along with my primarily female coworkers well enough by faking it 'till I make it, basically. They probably think I'm an aloof weirdo sometimes, but whatever.

IHeartDay9 · 2018-04-19T14:32:19+00:00

I have a lot of trouble connecting with straight women, or the women who are more gender typical in their interests and behaviors. We get along just fine, we just don't usually have a lot in common. I have a number of close female friends, and I think all of that are some sort of LGBTQ. Most of which I've slept with or at least made out with, if I'm honest.

I would say our relationships are more openly emotionally expressive than with my male friends. My male friends tend to open up emotionally in one on one situations, but my female friends are less inhibited in that regard.

They're also way more likely to grope or blatantly hit on my when drunk.

[deleted] · 2018-04-19T17:06:29+00:00

I have no female friends right now. My female friends unload all of their shit on me because I'm a more sensitive and emotional person so I can understand what they're feeling. The problem is they're not willing to do the same for me and usually end up doing some shady shit which results in us cutting our friendship. I'm close to my mom, but that's about it.

goatismycopilot · 2018-04-19T18:59:07+00:00

I do not have a huge circle of close friends probably because my criteria is strict but I have plenty of acquaintances and my relationships with women are good. This whole myth about "frenemies" is some stupid bullshit that goes on in high school/college and maybe among super bored UC suburban women who have too much free time and not enough to do. Most normal adult women do not have frenemies because why would you waste time with people you do not like, excluding work, but if I do not like somebody I minimize my time with them and leave it at that. Reds either thing women are all woooooooo team women we loves the women, women are wonderful, women are wise, we worship women or the exact opposite booooooooo women are horrible and I am special snowlflake person with a all male friends because I am so smart and rational unlike those other stupid bitches with their manicures and non intellectual conversation. The reality is in the middle, as always.

ivegotsomequestions0 · 2018-04-19T20:26:27+00:00

Most are down to earth and well meaning, and reasonably self aware, and I enjoy talking with them. The mean girls are on a different social level that I can't play on, it's like a 5'6" person playing with NBA players. I can't even imagine how they think, but I do wish I had those skills. I've noticed that other women are able to go back and forth, down to earth sometimes and then mean girls in the right company, but I cannot.

I had great, intimate, mildly nerdy female friends in high school, who let my social tics slide. In my first year of college, I unfortunately became friends with some girls who became more mean girl-y as the year went on, and kicked me out of the group for those (legitimately annoying) social tics. After that I didn't make new female friends for years and college was very lonely, although I remained in touch with my high school friends. Maybe six or seven years later, I improved my social skills significantly due to having a sociable job for a while, and even got female buddies to hang out with, but I never reached the level of intimacy that I saw them have with other women.

I don't think I'll ever again be able to have a naturally intimate friendship like those in high school, I'm too self conscious and everyone is less open now that we're all older. I'm able to do prolonged polite conversation and small talk where I only make gaffes once in a while. I no longer ever try to act like a girly girl, either the bubbly version or the Heather version (god trying was a painful mistake), I'm just myself.

My mother in law and sister in law are definitely more socially apt than I am, which makes me nervous, so I worry that will implode someday.

rpwthrowaway2016 · 2018-04-20T06:57:11+00:00

Male-brained woman here. The closer female friendships I have are mostly with other male-brained women in STEM. I'm more likely to disclose my feelings/innermost thoughts to them than my male friends. Never had those frenemy-type friendships, probably because my communication style is too direct for people to bother pulling that with me.

I don't really gel well with very "girly" women because we're too different. Plus I get annoyed/impatient at the communication being too indirect/afraid to tread on others' feelings/taking a whole paragraph to make a point when 1-2 sentences will do, which is something I notice in female-dominated subs.

[deleted] · 2018-04-20T09:45:14+00:00

As much as I like coming on here to systematize with the lads, irl I'm like the opposite of a "man's man." I like women, I like feminine communication styles and feminine interests. I usually get along better with other women than with men, although I do love my few male friends just as much as the female ones. I like having a strong core group of girlfriends who I can depend on, regardless of the state of the rest of my social life. I know that catty girl-drama does exist, and I hear about it on the periphery of my circles, but I've never taken part voluntarily and I don't see the purpose of staying friends with people who do.

philomexa · 2018-04-19T12:00:40+00:00

Thankfully nonexistent. I spent far too long being on the outside looking in, wondering what I lacked, why I couldn't forge those close bestie relationships that surrounded me. The few times I did maintain a bestie or some girlfriends there was always some emotions, drama, expectations, or unspoken rules that I didn't understand or ran afoul. Ultimately the relationships would dissolved from neglect or implod and I was booted out of I've group.

Now I don't try anymore or have that desire, I've made a comfortable life myself and I enjoy my relative solitude.

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carefreevermillion · 2018-04-19T13:26:17+00:00

I just don't like them that much in person if they're not my sisters or my mother. I can handle women as work friends because we stay on lighter and more casual topics, but I just haven't met a woman who wanted to get into deeper topics that wasn't also a SJW.

shoup88 · 2018-04-19T14:15:11+00:00

Depends on the woman, but mostly I get along with everyone. When I meet new people, I bond with the men quicker but those friendships always end up being more superficial. My closest friends are all women.

A lot of the stuff from Mean Girls is right though. Women can be catty and competitive. I’ve gotten over that as I’ve grown up, but that dynamic still exists on some level with my sisters and some really old friends. For the most part I think women are great and really enjoy spending time with them. Part of this is because socially I’m in a really good place, so I don’t have to be competitive. I’m coming from a place of power, as self important as that sounds.

There’s definitely a social hierarchy. I’ve observed it in men too, but I don’t know to what degree they’re that similar.

SpaceWhiskey · 2018-04-19T21:37:46+00:00

There’s a huge spectrum. There are women I love like sisters, women I would take a bullet for. There are also women I wouldn’t even piss on if they were burning to death. In general, I’ve made an active point lately not to fall into the tropes I guess you could call toxic femininity. I’m not two-faced, I don’t talk about women behind their backs when I’m pleasant to their face. I don’t participate in jealously based cattiness. If a woman looks prettier than me, I’ll compliment her and mean it, good for her. I believe women should be lifting each other up, not tearing each other down.

That being said, if I’ve repeatedly extended kindness to someone and had it rejected, there’s a cut off. I still won’t stir drama about someone, but I won’t pretend to be friends with someone either. If we’re co-workers I’ll be professional. If we’re not I’ll make a point to never be around them, same with men in the same category.

wigglyshark · 2018-04-20T05:26:38+00:00

Even though I generally get along with most people I meet, I'm not really one to place a lot of importance on maintaining many friendships. Because of this, I've never really been "one of the girls" within a female friend group, but I have developed very close friendships with individual girls/women throughout my life that have lasted for years. They are all very similar to me (introverted, not-typically-feminine interests, etc.) so these few friendships that I've actually cared to hold on to bring me a lot of happiness. I've never had a "frenemy", nor have I ever found myself in a toxic friendship with a girl/woman.

There are very specific types of women I will not even deal with unless I'm forced to for whatever reason. Mostly mean girl types with weird attachment issues or who are always putting themselves in competition with other women. These types are very quickly put off by my personality anyways once they realize that I can be pretty blunt and have no tolerance for covert, petty shit.

Title	Q4W: Describe your relationship with other women
Author	FI-Boy
Upvotes	6
Comments	71
Date	April 19, 2018 5:44 AM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/8dcfog/q4w_describe_your_relationship_with_other_women/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/q4w-describe-your-relationship-with-other-women.262830 https://theredarchive.com/post/262830

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