Ladies, yet another manipulation tactic we should be aware of! This one is more subtle and absolutely terrifying.

Stuffenfluff · 2020-10-30T14:49:19+00:00

So sad because this exact thing happened to me in my last relationship. It is terrifying to try to explain why you’re abandoning your goals, dreams, and happiness to your friends and family. The trauma bonding is so real - I look back now on the disgusting man he was and can’t even believe I was able to have sex with him. Much less when you consider almost all of our sex was non consensual. Bless ladies currently in this position.

honeybeeroll · 2020-10-30T15:40:36+00:00

I read Bandcrofts book earlier this year and he described this as the abuser warping his victims reality. It's terrifying. It's why you get out the SECOND you notice a red flag, especially a potentially abusive red flag. The longer you stay, the more you are bonded to an abuser, and the more susceptible you become to him controlling what you think and believe.

LadyGeoscientist · 2020-10-30T14:46:52+00:00

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EclecticBarbarella · 2020-10-30T15:05:05+00:00

This is particularly scary because you just don’t know that you don’t know. Until you have that major perspective shift, it’s almost impossible to tell how upturned reality has gotten and how far you’ve strayed. Until I experienced it personally, I couldn’t fully understand what it was like for women in this situation, and once I did it was scary how overwhelming and “true” it seemed

yegerska · 2020-10-30T16:51:03+00:00

Every time someone posts an article about some way abusers manipulate people I’m always like “shit my ex did that to me!”

themintmitten · 2020-10-30T19:40:52+00:00

I'm 10 years out of one. His abuse didn't really show up until about 2-2 1/2 years into dating, though there were other red flags. One of the main ones being his poutiness (that later became control). I had to drop everything to give him attention. I messed up my entire undergraduate education due to him.

The first time a major sign of abuse happened was when I had to study for an exam that I had either the same day or the next. I told him I really had to study but he wanted to hang out with me (we would see each other about once a week). He started pouting because I wasn't giving him attention while I was studying my notes. So I got up with my books and tried to move to a different spot to get some physical space. He then threw me against the wall. His face changed quickly into regret and he apologized and looked like he was going to cry. I was shaken up but I fell for the apology.

The next 3 years then lead to an increasing amount of abuse - though the physical was very minimal and sparse (probably cause I barely saw him in person, it was sort of LD), there was a lot of sexual coercion, control (making me send him a photo of where I was at any time he asked while he counted down from 10) and mental abuse (saying and describing how he wanted me to die or suffer, threatening me etc). I had been slowly but surely become isolated from friends by then, and the friends I did tell, were not good friends and/or had no real advice. I had been to a university counsellor a couple of times but I told them I was the problem (i.e. I thought I couldn't manage my emotions and told them I felt like I was a bad person - actually no, I was just dating a bad person who had me walking on eggshells). It took me over 7 years to even use the word "abuse" to describe his actions.

Ladies, if there are EVER any signs of this, do not ignore them. Do not think he "just made a mistake". Do not give him excuses. Do not fall for his apologies. Protect yourself and your future. I flunked out of so many classes, lost friends and social support, and had many years of trauma (still do, but less of a daily issue), and lost out on the sort of career I could have had, had I dumped the fucker earlier on. I also lost out on developing my inner confidence in my formative years, and ability to have good relationships with other men I had dated.

However, one thing I did learn was in picking up the signs of red flags very early on - after that period of time I had never come close to being involved in a situation like that again. I'll keep that wisdom with me forever and point it out if I ever see it happening with people I know so that they can be safe.

You'll pay for it for years if you keep dating a person who makes you feel bad about yourself.

featherflowers · 2020-10-30T17:50:29+00:00

Thank you for sharing this. I felt like my friends and family didn't understand the struggle I had when I left my ex. I felt like I had to rebuild myself completely. It was very validating to read this and feel less alone in my experience.

pas43 · 2020-10-30T15:33:34+00:00

It's also called hyper-normalisation and TBH the government's/industry have been doing it to us for years.

marilynmonw0e · 2020-10-30T18:53:06+00:00

😬😬😬 Happened to a cousin of mine. Her ex worked in IT and she was paranoid he was hacking into her laptop and stuff, she kept claiming her mouse would move on its own and all kinds of shit. She struggled with privacy, I think. It was so long ago.

TokiMarvel · 2020-10-30T18:01:16+00:00

Sometimes it’s subtle like not being proactive in considerations for your partner that won’t inconvenience them but make your life a whole lot better.

Missybanana · 2020-10-30T17:27:41+00:00

I don't see how this is different from gaslighting.

UnstrirringCoffee · 2020-10-31T12:06:41+00:00

This is also really the main purpose of BDSM. The victim feels so good about the trauma bonding that they are blind to the removal of their self-esteem, their self-determination and even their own identity.

UnstrirringCoffee · 2020-10-31T12:01:16+00:00

All her examples were from women who were being abused, but it's important to note that emotional, psychological, and physical abuse can happen to anyone.

This is the part that stood out to me. Everything here is classic narcissistic abuse taken to extreme ends, but even a little bit of this can be very damaging.

myousername · 2020-10-30T21:39:13+00:00

How is this different from gaslighting?

wayward_woman · 2020-10-30T21:53:49+00:00

Isn't that just a form of gaslighting?

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