Let’s talk about forever-fiancé apologists

DrMcFoxyMD · 2020-01-25T01:22:45+00:00

Engaged to one guy for ten years, was a waste of time. Met an amazing man and after almost a year of living together and figuring each other out, we got married and I’ve never been happier.

I’ve been both and can tell you there’s no reasons, only excuses.

olivetree08 · 2020-01-25T06:02:06+00:00

7-8 years relationship, now broken up. I Stayed with a man who kept putting off marriage until we were more “stable” in his words, in our careers etc. mind you we were stable in my opinion! Had money for vacations, bought a house... I didn’t understand his excuses but he maintained there wasn’t any other “real” reason, I was “the one” he just “wasn’t ready.”. When j put my foot down and we agreed to marry the following year (our 8th year together) he broke up with me during that year! He said he couldn’t commit and he never dated enough when he was younger. We met when we were 27! Wasted all my damn time.

lurker9021010 · 2020-01-25T17:53:37+00:00

Came out of lurking to say my reason: personal experience. I've been in the engagement at one year mark situation. He didn't start trying to kill all my joy and goals until half a year after the wedding. Turned out he was a very good actor. Even my entire family and friend group was shocked, and these are HVW and HVM who have good sense in these matters.

I don't see any problem in delaying marriage for an extra year or two if the choice is my own, even if the guy is pressing it. That's just my gut feeling. Three years is my cut-off.

EDIT: I think it may be important to note that I do not and will not have sex until we are wife and husband. It's not something that really drives me in the first place, and I look for men with the same not-pornsick low interest in sex.

perhapsbutnottoday · 2020-01-25T13:38:41+00:00

Not me! By year 2 from first date, we should be married. I ask questions, I observe and listen to my gut and I do not budge from knowing that “men know” when they meet a woman if they’ll wife up or not. If towards 9 months we are not talking serious things, I will bounce.

17430 · 2020-01-25T02:14:30+00:00

Maybe they are young? In my early 20s I didn't want to get married too soon either. It changes with age I think.

gursky0 · 2020-01-25T04:56:54+00:00

I agree with this. But do you explicitly communicate from the start that you expect to receive a proposal within your time frame? Or do you keep the time frame to yourself and end it without an ultimatum if you don't receive a proposal?

modernmedusaa · 2020-01-28T01:17:51+00:00

Yep he is going to be even less inclined to marry if he's been reaping wifey benefits for several years without having to get a ring- then if he meets a work colleague one day and decide hes a bit bored of the LTR commitment thing with you and is ready for a change- bye bye! Erm sorry- I know I wasted 7years of your life thinking this was leading to marriage and you're 32 now- but I'm sure you can find a husband last min and have a baby within the year- it'll all work out maybe idk eeeerm cya!

NO NO NO. Do not bite at the 'maybe one day' carrot because marriage minded men KNOW very soon on. That is ALL about maximum benefit for the man with the LEAST possible consequences hitting him- at the expense of your life plans and emotions. LVM want an easier escape route. High value women want security. A man flinching at marriage is a man flinching at commitment and sharing his resources/providing if you ask me. Just says they're already scared of a divorce and don't think they'd live up to your expectations. Hmm well, good luck with that LVM- pickmeisha problems coming your way.

Let these mofos know if you are marriage minded there's zero reason you will waste more than 1-2 years on him deciding & blocking potential options- because women have a smaller window (if you want kids especially) and you know your worth & options. Realistically HVM know within the year & they will be the ones to bring it up...& you'll already be a priority in their schedule.

Don't let a man steal your youth just to back out and bolt to his selfish benefit- lol set them free and let them realise their options for getting a high value attractive forever gf are far more scarce than they think. Don't run out after the carrot- leave if he isn't on the same page.

flandersmustash · 2020-01-25T03:29:30+00:00

I wouldn’t want to be engaged after only a year or year and a half. I’m currently hitting the year mark now and if he proposed i’d freak out. BUT i was married 4 years ago with an abusive man, and i’m not over the trauma yet. As much as I have zero evidence this man will mistreat me, I just don’t know if he will turn on me in the future, and I want a much larger time frame before I want to make that commitment. So i guess I’m not ready for it even though everything he does says he will make a fantastic husband and father. Genuinely be happy to be a forever girlfriend. Iove being single i don’t want to create more steps to exist again as a single mum should i want to.

stressdaisy · 2020-01-27T07:29:52+00:00

I think waiting can be a good idea if you're young, or still students. In that case the clock could reasonably start after graduation. Reasoning for this is that it's important to see how having actual jobs changes the dynamic (making money, more set hours, maybe not living with roommates anymore, in some cases not getting parents' money anymore), since it can bring out red flags that might not have been there before. Do not wait until after marriage to find out your husband is bad with money, or can't keep consistent hours - these things can be hidden a lot more easily in undergrad than with an actual job.

I've also seen some couples get married right after undergrad out of fear of starting adult life alone, which can lead to problems later if you don't know how your partner actually is as an adult.

Also gives him some time to save for a ring lol

chungkingxbricks · 2020-01-27T20:41:15+00:00

I just don’t think you can know someone well enough in 1-2 years but everyone is different. I also don’t want to get divorced so I’m not personally sold on the idea of marriage. Yes, my life experiences have brought me to this conclusion. I’m open minded, but pretty jaded. Now if I was engaged, I don’t think I’d want to be engaged for years unless I was scared of getting married but then I probably wouldn’t say yes to the proposal if that was the case. Just like I said no before. Glad I did.

MagicAte_8 · 2020-01-28T03:30:02+00:00

[deleted]

savannahm89 · 2020-01-28T06:27:21+00:00

Yes. But abusive men also tend to propose early to lock you in. My ex did at like 8 months and then did a 180.

Some happy medium is best. It really does take a good year to really know someone.

LadyHormoneMonster · 2020-01-25T08:20:24+00:00

I agree with all of this. If they don’t know by then, they’re just stalling and gambling w/ your future.

nymphaetamine · 2020-01-28T09:42:37+00:00

My limit on proposals about 3 years personally. I wouldn't stick around being just a girlfriend for any longer than that, but I'm not in a rush to bind myself legally to any man that I don't feel like I know completely either and I don't think a year is enough time to really get to know someone. Maybe I've been burned too many times, but I've had a lot of exes show their true fuckboy colors around the 1-1.5 year mark and I thank my lucky stars every day that I didn't marry them. I've been through a divorce before too and it sucked even though it was amicable. Even though we both wanted the divorce, my ex was just unbelievably lazy and "lost" the divorce papers once, then when I mailed him another set he took 6 whole months just to sign them and mail them back to me. I don't view divorce as something that's simple and easy to do. Even when both parties are in agreement it can still drag on for a long time and cost a lot of money.

Now, discussing marriage earlier on- absolutely. If a guy hasn't expressed interest in wanting to marry me after a year or so, then I'd definitely move on.

7_0f_9 · 2020-01-28T02:42:52+00:00

I always thought a year was the standard wait time anyway. That seems most natural to me. Most of my serious relationships ended at about the 1-1.5 mark or a little before. Meaning that it was definitely long enough to realize compatibility by that point, which is that we weren't compatible. You should really know by a year in my view, one way or the other. Two years max. And if you're super unsure, if he asks you to marry him at the 1-2 year mark, you can just plan the wedding a year out. So that's 3 years wasted MAX. If you don't know by then if he's right maybe consider moving on 🤔

_linay · 2020-01-28T05:21:39+00:00

I’d like to wait a little over 2 years. I have children and had a traumatic upbringing with my stepfather whom my mom married by year two. He turned real evil the moment he moved in with my siblings and myself.

Im also divorced and in no hurry to marry again. However the intention should be there and he should be eager to walk down the isle.

PsychologicalSkill0 · 2020-01-28T03:01:40+00:00

These people are in denial. Our grandmas knew best. Some may think it’s offensive but he won’t buy the cow if he gets the milk for free. If you already give him everything a wife does why should he bother to marry you?

Hedy__Lamarr · 2020-01-28T15:54:43+00:00

If your goal is marriage and children, I'd give it 3 years tops unless you're really young or on the verge of a big change (graduate school etc).

Since I've already been married, have kids and don't want any more kids, I don't really care much about marriage. I'd consider it only if I were truly convinced that it would be beneficial to me as an individual long term (emotionally and financially). But I'd be fully upfront about my expectations, including requiring a prenup.

I've seen some comments about just divorcing someone if it doesn't work out, like it's no big deal. While divorce may be more socially acceptable than it once was, it can still be financially and emotionally draining. Just money wise it's something you want to avoid if possible (meaning don't marry someone unless you're as sure as possible that it's going to work out). Unless you like keeping family law attorneys employed with your hard earned money.

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thethirdarchon · 2020-01-27T21:09:46+00:00

Question, is it IMPOSSIBLE that "high value" person (and let us assume for the sake of argument that this gradient of value does apply to humans generally) would NOT want to be get married as the "be-all-end-all" goal of life and/or a "romantic relationship"/"romantic relationships" generally? Follow-up question, assuming it is NOT impossible completely, do you view this as different based upon sex (i.e. is it equally possible a "high value" man or a "high value" woman could potentially not desire marriage as the end goal to begin with, or would/should we expect a statistically significant divergence here, etc.)?

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Imatworkmotherfucker · 2020-01-28T08:13:53+00:00

I'm 100% with you. If he's not ready to commit by 2 years in and he's over 30, time to move on, he does not value you.

Hedy__Lamarr · 2020-01-28T16:49:14+00:00

If your goal is marriage and children, I'd give it 3 years tops unless you're really young or on the verge of a big change (graduate school etc).

Since I've already been married, have kids and don't want any more kids, I don't really care much about marriage. I'd consider it only if I were truly convinced that it would be beneficial to me as an individual long term (emotionally and financially). But I'd be fully upfront about my expectations, including requiring a prenup.

I've seen some comments about just divorcing someone if it doesn't work out, like it's no big deal. While divorce may be more socially acceptable than it once was, it can still be financially and emotionally draining. Just money wise it's something you want to avoid if possible (meaning don't marry someone unless you're as sure as possible that it's going to work out). Unless you like keeping family law attorneys employed with your hard earned money.

Hedy__Lamarr · 2020-01-28T16:49:32+00:00

If your goal is marriage and children, I'd give it 3 years tops unless you're really young or on the verge of a big change (graduate school etc).

Since I've already been married, have kids and don't want any more kids, I don't really care much about marriage. I'd consider it only if I were truly convinced that it would be beneficial to me as an individual long term (emotionally and financially). But I'd be fully upfront about my expectations, including requiring a prenup.

I've seen some comments about just divorcing someone if it doesn't work out, like it's no big deal. While divorce may be more socially acceptable than it once was, it can still be financially and emotionally draining. Just money wise it's something you want to avoid if possible (meaning don't marry someone unless you're as sure as possible that it's going to work out). Unless you like keeping family law attorneys employed with your hard earned money.

ivy176 · 2020-01-28T13:02:19+00:00

Everyone's different, but I would never get engaged after 1 or 1.5 years. I have already been married and I did not realize my exs true bad nature until 10 years down the line. I want to live with someone for at least 2 years before engagement, and I won't move in with them until I've been with them a couple of years, so it takes time for me. I'm also not planning on having children, I don't think that would be good for me.

Title	Let’s talk about forever-fiancé apologists
Author	NecessaryCook
Upvotes	130
Comments	50
Date	January 25, 2020 1:03 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/etjsqg/lets_talk_about_foreverfiancé_apologists/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/lets-talk-about-forever-fiance-apologists.684070 https://theredarchive.com/post/684070

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