This touched my soul. I'm hoping you ladies love it, too: "Ask Polly: Why Don’t the Men I Date Ever Truly Love Me?"

heroic_nincompoop · 2020-12-17T19:22:17+00:00

Here's the best part:

Fuck wondering if you’re lovable. Fuck asking someone else, “Am I there yet?” Fuck listening for the answer. Fuck waiting, alone, for a verdict that never comes. Don’t grow up to be one of those women with a perpetual question mark etched into her brow: Am I good? Am I lovable? Am I enough?

You are here. Sit down. Feel your potential in this moment. You have accepted too little for too long. That is changing today. Breathe in. Draw a picture of yourself. Tape it to the wall, with the words: YOU ARE HERE. You are here. Cherish yourself.

Sherbert-Trick · 2020-12-17T21:42:56+00:00

I remember when my last boyfriend told me he wasn’t in love with me, I googled and found this article. Apparently I’m not the only one...why are men. Luckily I did the right thing and moved on ☺️

Salt_Satisfaction · 2020-12-18T00:08:36+00:00

Even before FDS, when exes or other men told me that I was "very reasonable, logical and you don't go crazy" I initially took it as a compliment, but deep down I knew that there was something amiss.

Most weren't bad people, but it's exactly as the author in the article says. When you understand everything you are just setting yourself up to be convenient. Even when I raised issues, I always watched my words so they didn't seem too harsh, I really didn't want to seem like a crazy high-maintenance girlfriend.

This doesn't mean that you should flip out and get arrested, but express how angry or sad you actually feel. Don't tone it down so they don't feel uncomfortable. The light bulb moment of "oh I she is actually angry about this, this is a real issue" will never light on if you're always reasonable and logical. Some guys will never want to listen to you anyway, but if you don't speak up you'll always be convenient.

Less-Panic · 2020-12-17T19:25:28+00:00

This is just what I needed.

honeybeeroll · 2020-12-17T23:59:06+00:00

Holy shit, go Polly. This was so spot on for Sparkless and for so many women out there. I've definitely been here, like....molding myself and worrying more if I'm keeping myself in someone else's good graces, than if that other person should even be in my life. Being a people pleaser gets you no where. Especially with men. They may like a people pleaser of a woman but they will not respect her, and I think they also believe such a woman is replaceable. Hence cheating or "I don't love you, bye."

azureangel35 · 2020-12-17T21:35:39+00:00

this is amazing-thank you-I needed to read that today.

Gourmay · 2020-12-18T04:00:44+00:00

I was with a guy for 2 1/2 years and another 1 1/2 year who wouldn't say it. Because it had been such a trauma the first time, I finally ended it with the second guy because he wouldn't say it, despite me telling him how much it hurt me; he would even tell his dog he loved him in front of me and it would rip me to pieces.

Anyone who won't say it after a normal length of time has issues, don't stick around for that.

One of my HVW friends was so empathetic about the situation that she would text me she loved me frequently when she found it. It's people like her that helped me realize that I had more value than this.

(Side note: this is one of the best pieces I've ever seen linked on here, every woman should read it!)

KAT_85 · 2020-12-18T03:22:45+00:00

Wow... This is.. What I needed today. I'm saving this off. Thank you.

A digression: my mom died this year from early onset dementia. She was my adoptive mother, but she was the one who raised me, loved me, talked to me... She wasn't perfect but she lived under the weight of needing to be perfect after a severely abusive childhood. So she taught me to be this soft spoken, perfect doormat woman. And I miss her immensely... I only really have my husband and kids as family. The weight of all the upcoming decades of work, money, life... and then dying myself has been terrible. It's been terrible because I can't access my "spark" anymore. I don't know how to play anymore, how to dream anymore... And that's not who I really am.

This article gave me something to think about.

cherrypepsilvr · 2020-12-18T04:00:48+00:00

Polly's response is great. I was listening to someone talk about their relationship today and I realised that only people in bad relationships spend time assuring you that their relationship is great. "We are honest about our flaws and we're mature about it" = "We're unhappy and cool with it."

husheveryone · 2020-12-18T01:38:25+00:00

Polly is so right that sometimes we just want the freedom to say what tf we mean. And to leave our projects strewn about. Stuff like this and these societal expectations is actually why I stay single: no self-editing to mAkE a RelATiOnsHiTt wOrk or whatever.

SassyWhiteLady · 2020-12-17T23:10:14+00:00

Thank you very much for sharing that. I needed that.

Salty-Tomorrow · 2020-12-18T04:35:29+00:00

Beautiful, thanks for sharing.

atuan · 2020-12-18T11:40:44+00:00

The problem is waiting to be cherished by someone who doesn’t. It is kind of a Nice Guy thing in a way, it’s expecting a person to have feelings they don’t. I think it’s not Nice Guy level cause the problem is women get lied to and breadcrumbed into believing it and are understandably confused. But being smart and realizing this person doesn’t cherish me so I’m gonna find someone who does is the reaction. Not, what’s wrong with me.

dkwantsdk · 2020-12-18T15:18:35+00:00

It’s time to forget about being lovable. And in fact, it’s time to forsake someone else’s idea of what gives you a spark or no spark. Block the “other” from this picture. No more audience. You are the cherished and the cherisher. You are the eminently lovable and the lover. You are a million brilliant sparks, flashing against a midnight sky. Stop making room for someone else to sit down. Fuck “good” partners. Fuck waiting to be let in. You are already in. You are in. Cherish yourself.

This made me burst into tears! What a powerful response

romantickitty · 2020-12-18T03:57:38+00:00

I found Heather's second book too annoying/depressing to finish but her Ask Polly advice (and her first book) is usually great.

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