How do you handle the "I'm a virgin" talk with guys?

BellaMob · 2022-04-25T16:36:31+00:00

Don’t mention it too early in the relationship. While it’s good to filter the crappy guys, you are also risking attracting perverts who fetishize virgins. I would be vague: if it comes up state it clearly that you take intimacy very serious and that will be taking as much time as you need until becoming intimate with him. If he presses you for more information you can respond “I am not comfortable talking about this in more detail because I don’t know you well enough”.

More_Pothos · 2022-04-25T18:20:45+00:00

I lost my virginity in my mid-twenties, though I had kissed beforehand. I didn’t tell my first kiss that I hadn’t kissed anyone before, and it was never brought up, so you don’t need to bring that or being a virgin up before kissing happens. If you like someone a lot before you kiss, and want to convey that you’re not waiting out of disinterest, just say that you take things really slowly physically, and wait until you’re in a committed relationship and have an STD panel before having sex. After you kiss, if you feel comfortable with him, you can tell him it was your first kiss, and he can probably connect the dots that you’re a virgin too.

Editing to clarify that the reason why it might be worth mentioning after you kiss that it was your first kiss is that kissing is a skill that you grow, and he may wonder what’s up if it feels a little off as you learn. If he cares about you, he won’t mind. As others have said, be prepared for many men to not want to wait, but they’re doing you a favor by leaving. Also, yes, a HVM who also hasn’t had sex before would be ideal, but even a non-virgin HVM is already hard enough to find so unless it’s really important to you to be on the same playing field, I wouldn’t wait for that.

ultblue7 · 2022-04-25T18:24:36+00:00

Dont let anyone make you feel bad about it; “friends” included. The guys leaving are doing you a favor. I would only disclose your virginity when you feel comfortable being physical and prior to any sex in a separate conversation. This is a good time to also talk about STD testing and vaccinations.

I dont like going this deep but I have alot of sympathy for you as someone who was grossly neglected when it came to sexual education and lost my virginity when I was 25 to a complete stranger after a particularly traumatic family event. I was mentally broken and didnt care about myself. The pressure and desire to be wanted in this society is ridiculous and everyone around me acted like it was a great accomplishment while I almost had a mental break. Take your time and find someone you feel comfortable with and who is mature enough to respect the decisions you’ve made about your own body.

FUBARfromLSA · 2022-04-25T18:03:43+00:00

While that ship sailed a long time ago for me personally, I have a friend who is a virgin at 36.

She’s deeply religious, will only date other very religious men with the intention of getting married, and just never tells them.

She doesn’t believe it’s their business until they talk about marriage.

-25T · 2022-04-25T22:08:33+00:00

Speaking as someone who went through this: don't mention lack of experience. They've already used it against you, what? 100% of the time? It's not something you need to disclose like an STD. Let them figure it out themselves. If they do at all. All you need to be fine with is experiencing reciprocal sexual attraction. Be okay with your body being touched in the ways you want to be touched, be okay with saying no, okay with saying yes, etc. You set your own timeline.

Say nothing and get them hooked on how easily they make you blush. It's like crack for them. Get an STD panel anyway so when they ask you can answer truthfully without having you say it was never necessary.

millennialpink2000 · 2022-04-25T17:15:22+00:00

Save that convo for much further down the line.

When you mention it, do it casually. If you're chill and non-chalant about it, he should be too. If you make a big deal about it, he'll be more likely to do the same

PeanutButterPigeon85 · 2022-04-25T16:39:08+00:00

Hey OP, if it makes you feel any better, any kind of sex-related talk with a new partner is going to be awkward. Telling them you're a virgin would be awkward. Asking them when they were last tested for STDs, and would they mind getting tested again before you sleep together, is also awkward. Talking about preferred methods of birth control is awkward. Asking them if they currently have any other sexual partners is hella awkward. All of it is awkward, and that's OK. You just have to lean into the awkwardness.

These days, I like to think of these awkward conversations as a way to judge my new partner. Unfortunately, I've never had a partner who handled this conversation well, and the problems with the way that they handled it (e.g., selfishness, dishonesty, extreme avoidance) turned out to be the things that sank our relationships in the long run. You can approach these conversations the same way. I know it's a cliche, but the men who select themselves out after you tell them are really doing you a favor.

Also, as a side note, beware of any guy who seems extra-interested in and/or turned on by your lack of experience. That in itself would be a huge red flag.

ETA: added a sentence

hippiepotomus · 2022-04-25T17:50:08+00:00

I don’t see why you would even feel the need to disclose this. If you wanted to some time after the fact, but I really don’t see any possible benefit to putting it out there to begin with.

IHateJobSearching1 · 2022-04-25T21:35:40+00:00

Don’t tell them, until you’re serious

If they’re decent it won’t matter and if they’re creeps they’ll show themselves before this point anyways

Commercial_Place9807 · 2022-04-25T16:53:42+00:00

My advise is to not tell them. They don’t need to know.

Equal-Ear2312 · 2022-04-25T17:45:13+00:00

One thing. Don't. You can reveal it later in the relationship. But if it doesn't work, don't let them have the smugness of having "taken" your v card.

ConnectYogurtcloset1 · 2022-04-25T19:19:32+00:00

Don’t tell him a got damn thing. It’s not “news”—It’s none of his business (until you die, ideally, or like 50 years into marriage lol). Even if you are a virgin, it’s better to let him wonder rather than remove the mystery for him.

If you aren’t comfortable with doing X you can say so, but you don’t have to give him an excuse why. “No” is enough for a guy who is really into you.

Novemberinthechair · 2022-04-25T17:56:04+00:00

How could that bother him unless he expects Olympic style porn shit at the get go? Don't tell. Let him think you're shy and don't hook up casually. He doesn't need to know anything else.

hensbanex · 2022-04-25T18:30:36+00:00

I didn’t tell the person it was my first time. it didn’t matter in the end and they never got the self satisfaction of knowing they “took” my virginity.

also, it’s not that important for a partner to know you’re a virgin either so I would heavily suggest just not saying anything. He should be putting his best foot forward and making you comfortable, relaxed, and physically ready (talking lubrication here) before any sex occurs regardless of if you’re a virgin or not.

also, know you can put your boundaries anywhere for any length of time. ok with making out but not under the clothes? fine. you move forward and some clothes are off but you don’t want to do the deed, just specify beforehand and set a limit - just/no oral, no penis involved, etc.

wet-plants · 2022-04-25T19:44:33+00:00

I would caution you not to tell them at all.

I would say only that you would like to take things slow. And then, throughout the various stages of intimacy, do not be afraid to immediately shut down any advances or acts that you don’t feel comfortable with. Thats not going to signal anything to them - I am very experienced sexually, but I have no qualms about slowing someone down or outright saying “no, not like that” or “no, not yet” to things I don’t like/want or even just things I don’t prefer at that moment. I definitely come off as a prude initially and thats not due to lack of experience but I’m testing waters with them to ensure they are respectful of my every boundary and going at my pace. This is FDS and doesn’t have anything to do with virginity.

I think if men know you’re inexperienced or a virgin they will try to take advantage and “teach” you how things are… no. You should only listen to your own body and intuition about what you want and what feels good to you, and express only that to the man youre with.

Anyway, virginity is only a made up social construct unrealistically applied to women… is there a name for people who have never had pizza? Who’ve never had a colonoscopy? Who’ve never been skydiving? No.. because having an experience doesn’t change who you are as a person/identity. Youre not a virgin youre just a woman who hasn’t had an experience that some other women have - just like all of us are with some experience or another.

thewetdog_ · 2022-04-25T18:05:29+00:00

Are you waiting for marriage OP? You don’t mention and that would change the approach I guess. Honestly, I would just have this talk when you feel everything else is great enough that you would have sex with him. When you’ve decided it in your feelings and rationally too. Just vet vet and vet, and if successful, if you feel that way about him, then I would bring it up.

Before that I don’t see the point bc as someone said you may attract fetishists or guys who will just play the role until they get what they want.

Interested in seeing others opinions.

2340000 · 2022-04-25T17:24:08+00:00

I know everyone won't agree with me🤷, but I'm a big proponent of finding someone with the SAME SEXUAL HISTORY as you.

You're a virgin? Wait for another virgin. Never been kissed? Wait for someone who hasn't had their first kiss. Don't like anal? Refuse to be with a guy that's done it. It's never fool-proof. But it increases the chances of compatibility.

__kamikaze__ · 2022-04-25T18:42:01+00:00

Don’t tell them anything. If they’re rude enough to say you’re awkward, just claim you haven’t done it in a while and your skills are rusty. But also, a guy that values you would overlook your experience so it’s a red flag if he calls you awkward.

Overall, just fake it til you make it.

FDS-MAGICA · 2022-04-25T18:46:56+00:00

Do you masturbate? I think that counts as "experience".

Recherchet · 2022-05-26T19:58:21+00:00

Don't tell them

2022-04-26T02:08:38+00:00

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2022-04-26T02:16:13+00:00

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