Discussion: How do we let go of “ the one who got away” or “ what could’ve been” thoughts?

GiraffeLibrarian · 2021-04-07T02:50:55+00:00

He would have put in the effort if he was worth anything. There’s a reason it ended, and it is not a reflection of you at all.

taylor232424 · 2021-04-07T02:52:59+00:00

[deleted]

NotSoSmartChick · 2021-04-07T02:57:09+00:00

You play it out in your head. He got away before those little quirks went from cute to annoying to justifiable homicide. He got away before he lost his job but hid it from you and developed a gambling habit and pawned your heirloom jewelry. He got away before his secret desire to wear diapers and call you Mommy came to light.

That’s what works for me, anyway.

spicyspa · 2021-04-07T04:55:46+00:00

I always thought "the one that got away" was a guy thing. I think ours is more of a "did he ever even care" thing. I hope it becomes a "who was that guy again?" thing.

Platipus6 · 2021-04-07T03:10:46+00:00

Calculate how many weekends it's been. That's how many times you didn't spy shit stains in his undies doing the laundry.

NoneOfYourBusinessPS · 2021-04-07T05:55:38+00:00

I've had those thoughts for a long time in my youth. As you grow older, you learn to ignore pointless things. No matter how much you obsess over it, how much you think about it, how much you picture that hypothetical timeline, it's NOT happening. It's done and over and I personally find solace in that absolute definitive. You will eventually understand that it's a huge waste of your time and your energy to imagine various things that can't be and to not appreciate what IS.

Homeisallmine · 2021-04-07T11:36:56+00:00

The one that got away always looks better in your head because you didn't get to know him properly. After a few months 95 percent chance he would have turned out to be a scrote anyway.

So all things being equal you've only lost 5 percent of a good man anyway.

LevellingUpTime · 2021-04-07T04:26:50+00:00

Don't chase a man
If he wanted to, he would
He's just not that into you

mackenzie013 · 2021-04-07T04:56:29+00:00

Uffff ..I have one; we started dating shortly before I moved away to a different country to do my masters and he stayed at the same university to do his PhD. I live on the other side of the world now. We message on FB a few times a year to catch up, mostly about current topics in our field (we ended up working in the same field) and that’s it.

I’m not really hung-up on the idea of him, but occasionally I do wonder “what if”.. not many men have measured up in any of the good qualities he possesses. 🤷🏻‍♀️

So I guess this was useless. 😂

sleepykittn · 2021-04-07T06:49:23+00:00

Only focus on why you left them or their flaws. Believe they were imperfect and you were better off and the next one wont have those flaws. If he wanted to he would.

AcademicMobile1 · 2021-04-07T12:14:12+00:00

If you're me, he'll start messaging you out of nowhere (after years of not seeing each other).

Then a week after not responding to his message (because no good messages come from men after 7 pm and you're busy) you see that he has just become the father of a newborn baby so you block and delete as fast as you can 😂

onceuponasea · 2021-04-07T12:33:12+00:00

It’s a part of the grieving process called negotiating/bargaining where we imagine “if only” scenarios so to not fully let go yet. Recognizing for what it is- grief, will help you not attach to those thoughts as much. Remind yourself daily that if it were meant to be, it would’ve been. But it’s not. Be in reality, as painful as it can be, it will get better

Hoarse_Girl · 2021-04-07T16:05:42+00:00

Realize that you had no real idea who he is or how he felt about anything that happened and that if you knew the full truth you would be quite disillusioned with him. If he was the right HVM for you, he would be in your life. It's virtually guaranteed he is in fact a scrote. It's not productive to spend time or energy feeling things about something that's behind you. Focus on what's ahead!

aquietsword · 2021-04-08T02:13:28+00:00

Without a doubt the fantasy of the guy is probably better than the reality. If the fantasy is harmless and just nice to daydream about on occasion, then let it be and just realize that it's not reality. But if it's a problem, one actionable thing you could try (that isn't dating other guys) is to figure out the specific qualities you liked about the guy and start building that in yourself.

Sometimes it's easy to build up someone from your past because the dating scene is abysmal. I understand that there's a lot of trash in the sea, but there's some fish there too.

throwaway-career · 2021-04-07T02:57:54+00:00

How to let go of them? Just look at where you are now and applaud yourself. Look at yourself in the mirror and appreciate the hard work you put into yourself. We could sit around all day and ask ourselves what could have been in any number of situations. What could have been if things worked out with this guy that's on your mind? You wouldn't be where you are now. Even if it's a rough spot, you wouldn't be there on the other side to congratulate yourself when you make it out as a stronger woman.

2021-04-07T03:00:03+00:00

Its very easy to focus on one particular person and think "He's the one who got away", but that's crap when you think about it. In a world of 7 billion plus people there's no way that there's a one and only for anyone. Lots of different men could be your soulmate, but they only are if they put in the effort to be worthy of you. Someone who doesn't do that isn't the right one for you

Catz10000 · 2021-04-07T08:15:51+00:00

Focus on looking forward, not backwards, even if it's hard. You have to believe better things are yet to come and don't settle or chase.

_bethiebabes · 2021-04-07T14:55:58+00:00

I’m in a similar boat, not hung up on the guy (most of the answers so far seem to focus on that part of the question), but I have trouble letting go of the fantasy I had of what my life would look like. this is not the life I intended to be living, in fact it’s pretty much exactly what I didn’t want my life to be, and that hurts

_HEDONISM_BOT · 2021-04-12T22:17:05+00:00

You have to create options.

This means being open to meeting other men and dating again. This means being open to using online dating apps to meet men.

the reason you're still obsessing over an ex is because you are operating from a place of scarcity. You're not being flooded with attention from HVM, and so you go looking for it wherever you last found it, and it sets you back.

A LOT of women on this sub completely discount OLD apps as valid tools for dating in 2021. I'm here to tell you that this is a HUGE mistake. OLD apps are TOOLS. They can be used THE RIGHT WAY, or they can be used the wrong way.

I've seen a LOT of women in this sub talk about OLD apps as if they're the source of LVM.

I'm here to tell you as someone working in the tech industry that LVM exist EVERYWHERE. Dating apps / technology takes what ALREADY exists in the real world and makes it more efficient. Dating men in GENERAL means being exposed to a lot of LVM/NVM. OLD apps simply make it faster and more efficient to weed them out, SAFELY, whereas meeting them IRL means you'll be put in a place where you'll have to reject them face to face, something that can possibly be deadly to you.

I won't lie to you guys. DATING MEN IS NOT FOR THE THIN SKINNED. If you are fragile, sensitive, easily discouraged, or someone who doesn't spend a lot of time planning or thinking about OPSEC and safety, it won't be easy. You'll have to learn how to weed out men. How to write a compelling profile. How to choose flattering photos, which WILL involve some rejection/pain from using photo-rating tools like Photofeeler to select the pics that present you in the best light.

Dating men will involve you meeting with lots of guys who seemed like HVM, initially, but then turned out to be jerks. It's really really hard, but you've GOT to be able to reject any man who's not a HVM, who's not treating you well. You need to also be prepared to block/ghost/delete and dump any guy who used to have HVM behaviors, and suddenly changes... Even if he's the love of your life, at a moment's notice.

All of this is going to take a lot of work from your end. You'll have to work on your self-esteem, your mental health. You'll need to consume the FDS sidebar, the media/links/research/podcasts, etc., and you'll need to consistently apply the material you're learning.

I promise you that you CAN find someone else, who's a better match and fit than your ex. But you can't find this person if you don't try, and if you try without being fully informed about the ENTIRE process of dating, without rose-colored glasses, it'll be really challenging to succeed.

You can do this. We're here for you!

Condom-Ad-Don-Draper · 2021-06-10T18:02:52+00:00

It’s a double edged sword because the “one who got away” for me passed away. :/

Title	Discussion: How do we let go of “ the one who got away” or “ what could’ve been” thoughts?
Author	taylor232424
Upvotes	166
Comments	33
Date	April 7, 2021 2:44 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/mlsft1/discussion_how_do_we_let_go_of_the_one_who_got/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/discussion-how-do-we-let-go-of-the-one-who-got.778387 https://theredarchive.com/post/778387

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