Dating post divorce and commitment issues

dogsrule2019 · 2021-05-19T03:02:55+00:00

Dude-take your time. Just date. Remember: a woman worries about the future until she finds a husband. A husband never worries about the future until he finds a wife.

Women know if they get you to marry them they are in a win win. If you marry, you are in a lose lose. Any man that weds and enters a relationship contract with the state isn't thinking clearly.

May not be what you want to hear, but it is the truth.

sicrm · 2021-05-19T03:02:36+00:00

they want you to commit for their benefit.

divorced/widowed guys are great candidates to get hooked before they can barely blink.

if you do decide to commit again someday, do it at your pace.

anyone who doesn’t like it can leave.

also, make sure you wear protection. one slip-up and that rebuilding is gonna get pushed back two decades.

henrysmyagent · 2021-05-19T02:53:42+00:00

I often wonder if women purposely pursue heartbroken men because they are easier to manipulate into a relationship.

You are doing the right thing by NOT making another lifetime commitment right now. There is no way to rush the healing process. Take your time.

Women in your age bracket have their own agenda and time-line. They need to lock down a good provider before their looks fade. I'm not surprised two 40+ women have tried to nail you down.

When you are ready for that kind of commitment you will know. Take your time.

SpacemanLost · 2021-05-19T05:56:26+00:00

Some advice from a man 10 years older who went through the same thing in his early 40s...

Dating has not been difficult.

Compared to dating in my late teens/early 20s, dating in my early to mid 40s was like being the cheerleader who joined the Chess Club. Everything was flipped in terms of difficulty.

Like you I was in good shape and making the effort to take care of myself, making good money at the time (~$175k, but not sure if I would have called that 'great'), and was being told by at some of the ladies that I was handsome. And I was thriving and healing living on my own, for myself, again.

I had a lot of fun a while - like the time I took 4 single ladies nearer to my age to Shakespeare in the Park, flirted with 3, and made out heavily with 2 and finally chose which one to take home for the night. It was heady to have such attention and success in way that I never experienced when I was younger. But I also ran into the same problem you are experiencing - the women wanting to move much faster than I was ready for and practically in a panic to lock me down into commitment.

Here is what I did that pretty much solved the problem for me:

I made a commitment to myself - that Any Discussions of Marriage would be 100% off the table until the 5-year mark, and even any discussion of living together would be off limits until the 3-year mark. And I disclosed this up front with every women I dated as soon as the topic was warranted (though I did not put it in my dating profile).

I did this to protect myself for pretty much the same reasons you have - I came out of a 16-year marriage from someone who not only cheated, but abused me in the later years. There is no workaround or shortcut for Time - as a single person - get your head together and fix and rebuild yourself and your life.

I would present this to my dates as a firm, unbreakable commitment (which it was) and then explain that a) I KNEW I was a mess, b) I had been in such along marriage and still had to process it, and c) KNEW that I was susceptible falling into a "rebound marriage" that would most likey end badly and that I had a duty to not do that to myself or them.

On the last bit, I spun a story that My brother had divorced the previous year and remarried in just 9 months (true fact) and that it soon went down in flames (not true at the time - would be true a couple years later) and that it was clear to me that fate could befall me, so out of consideration for everyone I had to take it slow, fix myself, etc.. and if that wasn't going to work for them, that's ok - no harm, no foul.

The reactions I got from women when I revealed this were very interesting and telling.

Some of the ladies just dropped me right then and there and said they didn't see it working out/that we weren't on the same page/timeline .. and .. ok. next.

Some were convinced that I was either lying, or that they were the one I would make "an exception" for. I had to end those relationships somewhat forceably, and I did get some push back/crying/etc. It wasn't fun, but I stuck to my guns and kept repeating "I told you right up front this is a hard commitment/limit. I'm sorry. We're obviously not compatible, and I want to spare you any more hurt."

A couple said they understood and all the other right things, and that they still wanted to keep seeing me.. and they did for a (little) while, and it may have come up again a time or two and I reaffirmed they heard me correctly. those relationships petered out after a bit.

There were two that were ok with just staying casual/FWB from the start, and they meant it. Had fun, but they eventually found someone else they wanted to pursue and moved on. One actually remains a friend to this day.

One woman, who was nearly 15 years younger than me, and an older doppleganger of the 'one that got away' from my teen years... she said she understood and was ok with it (she was newly divorced herself) and we began a relationship that survived grad school and almost 2 years in long-distance mode. At the 4.5 year mark I said "let's talk about the wedding" and she said "but it hasn't been 5 years yet". That was 7 or 8 years ago, and she's upstairs sleeping right now.

/u/henrysmyagent said: Women in your age bracket have their own agenda and time-line. They need to lock down a good provider before their looks fade.

This, and what others are saying here is pretty true. Most of the women near you age and older are really worried about security and someone to take care of them, pay for them, etc. And they have found out that 1) The pool of available single men their age sucks when compared to what they had in their teens and 20s. 2) working for a living and supporting yourself as a single woman or mom can suck, or just plan wears you down. 3) Looks fade as they get older, and there is competition from younger women 4) Money matters a lot more at this age. I was driving a late model luxury car and taking 3-4 vacations a year (Cabo, Maui, Savannah, Galveston, etc) and would take whomever I was dating at the time - that escape from the everyday grind of life and bills was like catnip to a cat.

I could go on, but I'm basically echoing some of the other commenter's experiences.

1 - You are the prize now, and they're usually not going to tell you why you are the prize.

2 - You need time to rebuild yourself before committing to anything.

3 - Put yourself first and don't get strong-armed into a commitment. If a woman is good enough, and truly into you - she will be patient - I found such a woman, and it's like a good 'version 2.0' of software that's drastically improved over the first one.

Mountain_Switch_6759 · 2021-05-19T04:35:48+00:00

Those are crocodile tears, sir. You are dealing with women that have hit the wall and have to resort to emotional manipulation to achieve their end goals. It is not them who has worked and saved for so long. Who put in the hours and energy to put themselves in a financially secure place. Test them. If they really “Love you” (sarcasm implied) then tell them you are broke and plan to leave everything to a child/nephew. And make them wait 7 years, not like either one of you is going to move away and change your lives anytime soon. How you handle relationships in your 40s should be different from relationships in your 20s. There is no rush to start a family, create enterprise. The only ones running out of time is them.

soph_a_loaf_ · 2021-05-19T03:31:40+00:00

I'm also 45....married 20 years......I just came through a 20 month war and made it out without paying alimony or child support and get 50\50 time with my son.

This woman I once knew became the most evil vile snake. She snuck around and cheated. She had burner phones.....had boyfriends when we were not divorced (pretty common but not in Christian circles).

There is no way in hell I'll ever commit to another woman. Date? Sure.....hang out? Sure.....marry? NO WAY IN HELL.

If I made it out virtually unscathed.....I couldn't imagine had I not got equal time with my son or had to pay child support or alimony.

This is my motto on relationships.

dday_throwaway3 · 2021-05-19T11:38:18+00:00

By jumping into the deep end of the pool, you’re blind to your own vulnerability to predators because of your emotional unreadiness. After divorce, you have more emotional baggage than a 747. Any woman who would overlook that is paying a fortune in extra baggage charges herself.You have never been more vulnerable than you are today. Predators thrive on desperation, and the stench of rebounding from a long-term relationship makes you an easy target. You are easily manipulated by her affection, while she sees you as an answer to her financial problems.

The story starts with her cute smile, laughing at your jokes, liking the same things you do, and demonstrating compassion for your situation. Most men are so starved for validation post-divorce, they are one blowjob away from clearing out closet space for a woman. The dopamine fix will overwhelm any good sense you have. Once entangled you will tolerate whatever demands she makes of you. After all, you suffered through your marriage for a long time. What you don’t understand is that women can achieve a level of indifference that’s foreign to most men’s idealistic concept of love.

But a woman who will have sex and doesn’t seem crazy must be a keeper! No, it just means your people picker isn’t calibrated properly yet. Your ex was not an anomaly. You ignored red flags and paid the price. Reevaluate your decision making process. For starters, read Briffault’s Law to realize you didn’t pick her, she picked you. If you don’t recognize the red flag when she tells you “I’m not like other women.”, then you need more time, distance and shielding to process divorce. Statistically, men move on to their next partner too fast. The likelihood of divorce in a second marriage is 67% and 74% for third marriages. And just because you’re familiar with the divorce process, it doesn’t get easier. It’ll be worse next time.

You need time to heal. Divorce messes you up mentally, even if you're the initiator. Before a predator brings you to your knees, figure out who you are. Avoiding propinquity for the first year after divorce allows you to clear the clutter of your marriage and divorce. Psychologically there’s a lot to unpack, especially if your ex was gaslighting you. You need to get comfortable inside your own head before you think about initiating spousal replacement therapy.

Invest one year into yourself for self-discovery, renovation and revitalization. Find things that you've always wanted to do, learn and experience and enjoy those things for a year. Develop your skills and knowledge in these things (rock climbing, playing a musical instrument, billiards, etc) and you'll find yourself making more time for them. If you do that well, you’ll have the foundation for a lifetime of happiness.

Then what you'll find is that after this investment in yourself, the women that come into your life won't be competing against other women for your attention. They'll be competing against things that really bring you joy and fulfillment. And it will take a truly exceptional woman to accomplish that.

Signs you are not finished with your post-divorce reconstruction:

You fear being alone.

You seek validation from a partner.

You’re still renting headspace to your ex.

When you no longer need to clutch onto a relationship, and you have your best self to offer, that’s how you know you’re ready. Don’t be surprised to find that you don’t have the time to date once you’ve started enjoying your new found freedom.

DivorcedConfused · 2021-05-19T02:46:55+00:00

[permanently deleted]

WristHurts · 2021-05-19T03:38:07+00:00

You were me a little over a year ago. Two women pushing for more (relationship, future kids) less than 60 days in. I pumped the breaks. Today, I’m working on my house and got into woodworking. Don’t have an interest in falling into the same trap.

47omek · 2021-05-19T03:05:44+00:00

It's not a "commitment issue" brother, it's learning from experience. Was it a "commitment issue" when you stopped touching hot frying pans after the first time you got burned? You said it yourself - you make good money - which is the key to attracting 40+ year old women who are looking for a retirement plan. You didn't break that woman's heart, you broke her plan to extract resources from you. If she thought you were that awesome to be around she wouldn't have insisted on a commitment and would have instead been happy to have whatever time you could give her.

Grizzlies5003 · 2021-05-19T03:28:47+00:00

I think the problem is that this is still fairly early for you to be committing again. 1.5 years between 20 years of marriage is nothing. You may be moving a touch fast... just an outsiders view. Make sure you are healthy first

DivorcedConfused · 2021-05-19T03:18:51+00:00

To be clear I am not talking about marriage. I am taking about boyfriend. I like the freedom I have. I don’t want to feel obligated and I don’t want to feel jealous. Also The one I am dating is actually better off than me financially.

Adorable_FecalSpray · 2021-05-19T06:02:02+00:00

Stay true to yourself man.

If you give in, you will most likely end up resenting the situation and then most likely at least a little bit them for not respecting your boundaries. I assume you have told them your boundaries? I hope you have.

When I date, one of the first things I tell women is, I am not going to get married again. Infact I am not even sure I want to get into a serious relationship again. I am interested in meeting fun and interesting people, dating, having fun, going on adventures, maybe just maybe after a long time, where trust is built maybe things could possibly get more serious, etc, etc...

You are really framing this whole thing wrong. The issue is not you, you DO NOT NEED to change. You should definitely have committment issues. YOUR WIFE CHEATED ON YOU! You have been hurt / burned, so make sure your chooser is fixed before choosing any woman for long-term.

the_anonumos · 2021-05-19T11:41:41+00:00

Don't rush into another marriage, no matter how much they pressure you. Tell them you're OK with being exclusive and thinking long term, but anyone who pushes you is likely manipulating you.

MajIssuesCaptObvious · 2021-05-19T12:21:38+00:00

I am still rebuilding my life (emotionally, financially and spiritually).

This is where you need to focus, which means you aren't ready to commit and fall in love. You really should be in therapy for the trauma of losing your marriage so you can stand on your own 2 feet emotionally versus searching for the comfort of love to make you feel safer.

When you feel complete ALONE, and you've left your baggage behind, then you can offer a partner your emotions.

Bipolar_investor · 2021-05-19T04:56:42+00:00

You commit to a woman when "she's the only one that made feel that way" ... Not because you do for her. Stay woke, and don't waste your life, the stats point at horrible odds for a second marriage. May you be blessed and be in the 20% that work fine.

Ok-Scallion-2508 · 2021-05-19T06:14:27+00:00

Women normally said that Men are selfish but In fact they are supper selfish. During dating, men rarely request women to commit because men wanna see how far does the relationship go. Women ALWAYS request men to commit from DAY 1. Another morning, women wake up on bed and they said they are not happy and they dont know why. They blah blah blah and want a divorce and take 50% your money. That’s it!

Beneficial-Path5856 · 2021-05-19T06:59:41+00:00

Don’t get pressured into marriage. Don’t get married. Don’t.

maybebionic · 2021-05-19T11:35:49+00:00

Part of the reason you are making these women “feel this way” is because you are so focused on yourself, you are congruent rather than “needing” a women to attach to. Do not commit to a woman of you are not emotionally able to, it will destroy you both. Maybe you already have, but I would make it super super clear from the get go to anyone you date that you are not fully emotionally available yet and any relationship that could result would go ultra ultra slow do to that.

michael_arcane · 2021-05-19T13:21:19+00:00

After a divorce, it’s easy to see that marriage is simply Business. Why start another business when 50% of them fail? Would you buy a house if half of them burn down?

crypto_keeper88 · 2021-05-19T13:26:32+00:00

Don't commit if you aren't ready!!! Also, it seems like these women are moving way too fast! Personally, after being cheated on in my marriage I'll never marry again and I'm upfront about that with anyone I date. I like long term relationships but I'll never be financially responsible for another adult for as long as I'm on this Earth. Marriage laws are the problem with marriage.

jkw118 · 2021-05-19T13:30:07+00:00

So first of all I'd say 6 months is way too soon..

I've been seperated for 4 years, finalizing the divorce.. I dated a girl for 8 months.. I'm pretty sure I wasn't in love with her.. but she was totally over the top for me.. Wanted to be moved in, within a year and married the next.. I cut it off..

Whomever your with needs to recognize that the last thing you need is another marriage right away.. If they want a commitment, and your head over heals with her.. Consider moving in together.

With anyone I've dated I've laid it out if it gets serious, they won't meet my kids for 6 months to a year after we've gotten serious.. And we won't move in together for another 6 months to a year after that. Marriage may be a few years afterwards.. I've found ladies like to have a timeline/plan/expectation... And then ignore it.. LOL But I've dumped more then one gf simply because she didn't respect my schedule..

One thing I learned after my ex.. I was pressured into getting married quick, I was pressured into a house, She pressured me for 2 years for my second child, and three for my third (she wasn't well the whole time, and I was like get better first and we'll go from there)

burneraccount189 · 2021-05-19T14:14:01+00:00

Don't let her trap you. As others have said take your time and clearly communicate with her.

extramanhood · 2021-05-19T16:13:22+00:00

You have been exposed to reality and it could be so uncomfortable but very liberating. Now you see things clearly and due to your experience, you are able to predict certain things. The main reason you couldn't commit to the women that you mentioned was because you saw some old patterns unconsciously " Once bitten twice shy".

You are not yet ready for a lock down relationship. Like you said, you are still rebuilding yourself. It might take some time but you will eventually be ready. It is better to make it clear to the women in your life from now on that you are not ready for commitment and you should condition your mindset that they may choose to leave you.

Most women in the age bracket that you mentioned are looking for commitment.

reacthookmebaby · 2021-05-19T18:56:53+00:00

Honestly.. today.. with the way the world is, how divorce is a big business for lawyers, and how it is largely geared towards women winning, men screwed over.. I wouldn't ever get married again. If I end up divorced (and probably headed that way) I dont ever want to get married again. Their is just too much crap that comes with that bit of paper that just staying bf/gf is better.. with the one exception that if you are not married.. it is easier for either to just leave. Marriage does have that one thing going for it.. sometimes.. in that knowing that it's hard to get out of.. many will just stick it out. But as we know by stats.. a lot LOT more people are getting divorced now than ever. Hell.. China just enforced a "cooling off" period because so many were getting divorced.

I tell my kids now.. stay single.. enjoy dating life.. work on yourself.. if you are going to get married.. make sure you live together a while, know each other in and out, and you really feel this is the one. Even then.. it seems divorce is more often than successful marriages.

TETHTONE · 2021-05-19T19:57:17+00:00

Looking at divorce rates today I think only a fool would marry again. I think you need to face the reality that marriage is dead in this day and age.

2021-05-27T02:40:02+00:00

They are falling in love because your value is high while theirs is low and they have no options. You can date at least 10 years younger.

Daylyte12 · 2021-05-19T12:38:55+00:00

Damn man ! You haven’t had enough of the bs ! Maybe you should have lost enough or found yourself homeless somewhere to know that dating is the biggest circus in town there is. It’s a game you’ll always lose in esp if you are divorced..(easy prey) to manipulate

Title	Dating post divorce and commitment issues
Author	DivorcedConfused
Upvotes	22
Comments	70
Date	May 19, 2021 2:41 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/nftrap/dating_post_divorce_and_commitment_issues/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/dating-post-divorce-and-commitment-issues.816983 https://theredarchive.com/post/816983

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