Delusional thinking?

dday_throwaway3 · 2022-11-07T10:48:09+00:00

Why would he reach out to you? Flip the script. If you were the dude, you wouldn't be reaching out.

Spodee5 · 2022-11-07T11:03:31+00:00

Divorced after 14.5 years after I was blindsided by her being a lesbian. Lengthy bittter court battle. She and her partner have been together now more than 5 years, own a house together and our sons are with them 50% of the time.

I've never been introduced to her new partner. I'm not allowed to have her partners phone number even though she is potentially caring for our sons 50% of the time

Conversely when I got into a serious relationship about 6 months in (when I knew it would be serious) I had my ex handoff the boys to my new gf so they could meet. They exchanged phone numbers in case of emergency in the future with the boys.

I'll always be a decent person. I will never stoop to the lowlife behaviors exhibited for by my ex and her partner.

Kwen_Oellogg · 2022-11-07T10:54:43+00:00

If I was dating a chick with children I don't think it would occur to me to reach out to the father. But I guess it would depend on what kind of chick she was.

If that's something she suggested I guess I'd meet with him.

akihonj · 2022-11-07T13:03:47+00:00

Why would he, his relationship is with your ex and your kids not you.

Are you being delusional in that regard yes, sorry to put it so bluntly but yes, the only time you and he will ever have cause to interact is if he does something to either of your kids and you have to take a finger off him.

jalopkoala · 2022-11-07T12:20:26+00:00

I’m divorced 50/50 custody. Highly contentious. I don’t expect that from my ex and any new partner. I would never think she was owed meeting any of my new partners or people I introduce to my child.

I think I’m a good dad and good coparent. So just a reminder “right thing to do” is subjective.

Though I do not share your opinion that one should expect to meet new partners before they meet my kid, I would not be frustrated if my ex-wife asked for this. Sometimes the best way to get what you want to is to ask for it. Maybe you should let her know what you want and see if she’s amenable.

Good luck and hope he does reach out to you!

TheWritePrimate · 2022-11-07T17:12:21+00:00

Why is that the right thing? You’re not being delusional, but you’re expecting other people to share the same values as you. You mentioned maturity in one of your responses, but expecting other people to do what YOU think is right isn’t exactly maturity.

I’m not saying it is right or wrong, but I am saying that it isn’t really your business. It’s hard with kids, but the reality is that you can’t control what the other parent does.

NothingIsEverEnough · 2022-11-07T15:12:15+00:00

If I was him, I’d never contact you. Not my monkeys not my circus

You’re attempting to have control over your exes life. That just isn’t sustainable. Once you divorced you agreed to be separate. When the kids are with her, she’s in charge there. And she has no say in your life when the kids are with you

eighteensevensaid · 2022-11-07T13:04:47+00:00

Not saying this is would work. I had a client that just invited the guy around for a film night with and one of his kids. His feeling was that it would prevent the ex from playing them off against each other. More importantly children would be able to benefit from seeing healthy male relationships in action.
It worked out brilliantly.

King_Cobra_666 · 2022-11-07T14:50:07+00:00

Bro, that fool dont give a fuck about you. He's ball deep in your ex. He doesnt need to say shit to you. Sorry for being so harsh but its true. The best thing you can do is move on and not pay him or her any mind.

yods35 · 2022-11-07T13:11:00+00:00

Instead of letting it become an issue reach out to them (ex and new bf) and let them know you would like to meet the him beforehand.

wildflower0078 · 2022-11-07T15:16:22+00:00

This isn’t something all people just do and it’s not considered “the right thing”. It’s just your random opinion of how you think it should happen.

You can’t expect that other people will just know what you want. You have to use your words and tell them.

We all have a different perspective on life and many people think everyone else sees the world the same as they do but that’s not accurate.

If this is something that is important to you, ASK your ex to consider it. It’s not a given and they can still say no without it meaning they are a bad person.

mehmench · 2022-11-07T16:47:15+00:00

It really depends on the situation. The less amicable the situation between you and your ex wife are the more likely you are delusional.

I have no desire for my girlfriend to interact with my ex-wife. None. Zero. Absolutely not. My girlfriend and my son are around each other all the time and I'm perfectly fine with it.

My ex has zero respect for me, I show her as much respect as I can without compromising myself or putting the ball in her court for my life decisions.

She is a child and she is constantly proving that she is a child.

Theedon · 2022-11-07T16:49:48+00:00

My EX changed the Emergency Contact for my Son, she removed me and but her boyfriend down. I only found out when he came to live with me full time and I had to take him to a new High School. Shit gets crazy in a divorce.

Crazy-Championship-4 · 2022-11-07T18:52:33+00:00

Lol. I am a boyfriend of a woman with kids. I have kids too. Right thing!? You’re Delusional. He doesn’t need your acceptance or permission.

My ex wife didn’t facilitate any communication between her bf of me. She shouldn’t concern herself with that either.

It’s her life and she needs to live it. Also consider, your kids deserve to see their mom and dad fall in love and have those feelings. They’re not seeing the affection between you and their mom.

They also need to see mom and dad be okay with each other’s choices in life. Be amicable and maintain healthy boundaries.

Putting your ex and her new partner in a position in which the “new guy” somehow needs to meet you first gives the impression that they will always answer to their ex in the future.

I’ll be honest. If my gf demanded I meet her ex before I met the kids; I would have not stayed with her. That would be a red flag that her ex has too much influence in her life.

You need to keep your focus on the kids and advocate for them if something doesn’t sit well for them with the new guy. Also, support your exes decision just as you’d like her support.

Ever-learning271 · 2022-11-07T13:44:30+00:00

Don’t waste your time bra…once you divorced you don’t need to abide by her rules, nor her by yours… Exs and current partners need not meet unless you and they want to…feels odd but that’s the truth! Imagine she lived in Alaska & met someone, you really gonna go there to meet her boyfriend? Why? Trust she picks someone good for your kid(s) and your kid will know and tell you!…Live YOUR life! Good luck!❤️‍🩹

jimsmythee · 2022-11-07T14:58:29+00:00

No. It’s not the right thing to do, for him to contact you directly.
It’s the right thing to do for your exwife to contact you and tell you, “BTW, I am dating someone and introducing him to the kids.”

SlappyHandstrong · 2022-11-07T14:18:25+00:00

My partner INSISTED on having a conversation with my ex-wife before she met my kids. My wife’s doofus boyfriend, not so much.

JJJflight · 2022-11-07T17:51:35+00:00

You sound like someone i could have a beer, solid question and thought process, I hope all goes well for you.

IcyEntertainment8673 · 2022-11-08T00:22:36+00:00

No, it’s not common sense and I personally wouldn’t do it if I was in his shoes. For me, respect is staying out of the previous relationship. I would know my place as the step dad and leave it at that. Why do I need to talk to you?

mpjune69 · 2022-11-08T02:30:36+00:00

I've never seen a marriage that ends in divorce where everyone plays by the same rules and motivations. My kids are older now, 19 and 21. It's been only recently that the kids will say "Mom said you did a-b-c." "Mom said you're an a-hole, and caused the divorce". Have I said things about my ex and her choice of men she chose to expose our children too? Yes, I've done it. Have I ever said negative things about my ex and her men when the kids were with me at my house, during our time or otherwise said things that they might hear? No way, never in a million years. My therapist and friends told me that doing so could irrecoverably harm the kids hearts and minds. It seemed to work for a while, the kids were calling/texting now often. But now the same B.S. is coming from my ex and it is alienating the kids. Will it ever end? Do I have to ignore good advice and disregard human decency?

Title	Delusional thinking?
Author	Crazy-Championship-4
Upvotes	2
Comments	64
Date	November 7, 2022 10:44 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/yoj0lt/delusional_thinking/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/delusional-thinking.1137779 https://theredarchive.com/post/1137779

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