Just a quick rant. I’m going through a divorce…

CrazySanta7 · 2023-07-19T18:26:41+00:00

Learn all you can about how men and women communicate differently. It's not a coincidence that women initiate 80-90% of divorces, and it's usually a total shock to the guy.

wakablahh · 2023-07-19T18:32:33+00:00

This is an all too common story.

Anyone she talks too, more likely was 100% validating her instead of encouraging her to fix the issues. But this is to be expected with any one-sided story regardless of context.

Don’t be surprised if she says she “gave you a lot of chances” when in actuality those “chances” were rarely verbally communicated until the end.

I think women sit mentally on deep issues for a while (whether they share with friends or not), and it mentally and emotionally exhausts them. Once they lose respect for you (even if you did nothing wrong), odds are slim she’ll see anything in you.

…which is why they also have little patience or grace to even allow “change” to happen. They’ve already moved on.

questionoffitness · 2023-07-19T19:16:46+00:00

My ex agreed to marriage counseling only because that is the advice she would give someone else.. so we did counseling for 4 months and found all the ways our marriage was messed up. I admitted so several faults and ways I had failed her. She admitted nothing.. took no ownership of any part of the marriage and how it crumbled. .. was convinced that it was fully my fault... even though I know for a fact she played a huge role in things.

But honestly, looking back, she had fully checked out even before we did counseling... not once did I feel she gave me a chance. . not even a glimmer. Even though for those 4 months I was doing every single thing in my power to save things.. to correct wrongs... to fix my part in things.. .

I made some important personal connections in the counseling, but marriage wise it didn't help at all. She didn't invest in it... or try at all. Then after 4 months she was done.. said she had no desire to put any effort into fixing anything. .. and that was it.

Benzon22s · 2023-07-20T07:17:51+00:00

It’s hilarious the top reasons women divorce men are the same; communication issues, lack of attention, and no respect for us men…yet the ex’s believe leaving us they will find it in other men lmao yet almost 100% divorce is bc of these 3 reasons so why not just fix with who you are with than start over and just repeat the same issues with the next and most of the time if they divorced at a later age with kids end up with other divorced men SMH stupid just they don’t appreciate what they have….not many men can be the sole provider as well as provide a better than average lifestyle…not many men are active with their children, not many men will support your dreams, not many men can be a WFH and Stay at home dad…but hey they think they can do better SMH

DeCyborg · 2023-07-19T18:53:12+00:00

Welcome to the walkaway wife club. In my case she threw some references here and there and I took it as just the normal complaining she did e.g. "I feel like we're roommates" and left it at that, in retrospective I should've taken that and talk about or do like a check up every month or something on what she was thinking.

She though she had "communicated" the issues plenty of times and was done for by the time she started talking with her "friend" and asked me for divorce. I tried to turn things around and proposed therapy but she was long gone by then.

Nothing but learning to communicate better in case I want to get into another relationship... not so sure

As_Easy_As_ABC · 2023-07-21T04:03:54+00:00

Of course, your wife is going to prefer to talk to folks that validate her, tell her "Oh you poor baby, you are totally in the right and your worthless husband is an absolute malicious narcissist (or some other trendy bullshit expression of the day). If she talks to you she may have to deal with some push-back, have to compromise and negotiate, even be forced to try and see your point of view, things that actually take some effort.

In all other relationships in my life, I (reasonably) expect those that I deal with to deal with me in good faith, express their opinions and concerns, tell me what they want of me, and I, likewise, communicate honestly what I want and expect from them.

And yet, when it comes to marriage, I see a lot of advice where the husband or wife is expected to mind-read their spouse and accommodate their unspoken wishes. I don't buy that for one minute. When my wife gives me that line "I shouldn't have to tell you" when I ask what she wants, I respond "Yes, you should have to tell me. If you give a damn, you can somehow manage to open your mouth and let me know. It's not that hard." But apparently, it is just too hard.

azwildcat74 · 2023-07-19T19:30:37+00:00

She didn't WANT to save it. She wanted an excuse to end it and sought out strangers to give her those.

porterfive · 2023-07-19T20:42:46+00:00

What my STBXW did was clear now as I put the puzzle together after so many therapists and marriage counselors didn’t. Basically she felt things and didn’t voice them out in a way any guy would understand, then anytime we had a disagreement like buying bedroom furniture (to a guy it’s simple, the furniture is fine and there is no reason to spend money on it but to a woman that is not about the money but about connection and if the man doesn’t do it then he obviously doesn’t want connection with her). She basically started writing her story and telling herself how bad things are all while I’m thinking things are ok. Did I get too comfortable in the marriage…yes. Could I have done more…also yes. These are all things I didn’t know or knew how to improve as everyone kept telling me how great I’m doing (friends and family). Then all of a sudden STBXW has a shutdown turns of all emotions and connection to me and I’m going WTF just happened. I spend the next 5+ years working my a$$ off at therapists (individual and marriage) to try to fix it but she is never two feet in all because she most likely had either an emotional affair or got smitten with someone and the feelings for me went elsewhere. We went to see one of the top marriage counselors around and he basically told me that she has convinced herself that this will never work and is unfixable so if I was you I’d move on which I did. Moral of the story is we can do everything right and still have the marriage not work out because unless we really understand our spouse and understand how we both need to communicate at times radically honest, then it will never work. Now I am stuck living in a city alone in my apartment, surrounded by her family just so I am close to my kids, all because for the second straight marriage she kept all her chit in and then blew it up when it didn’t work for her. Ugh

Also, I found emails of my in-laws telling my STBXW to not do this or that with me as I have lawyered up…which I never did at that time. Ugh

djdimasik · 2023-07-20T08:13:52+00:00

I'm sorry you're going through this. I used to get hurt and up in arms about her toxic behavior. But after she told me that nobody would care if I killed myself, I realized that she's just a sick person. She can't help it and her only choice is to continue this behavior until she's ready and willing to change. It's important to draw the line and focus on yourself. You can and will build your own self fulfilling emotional sanctuary.

rpm04004 · 2023-07-20T13:14:45+00:00

Yea i had that. It was so oddly embellished on this online support group and it got a lot of positive support from strangers and all that just fueled the fire, made it real to her.

Fuck it. Its hard but its a pattern thats well described on this sub. Go, pick up the pieces and live your life by design. You dont have kids which is such an absolute blessing

Quietly_Curious_ · 2023-07-21T18:26:20+00:00

instead of communicating our issues with each other she was communicating/venting to other people and got validation or opinions from them on our relationship. Which is fine to some extent

I have issues with emotional regulation, ADHD, so years ago I developed a habit of bouncing things off of the closest friends that I could because their heads weren't up my ass, unlike mine. I've always found it helpful to have others act as the sounding board where I could carve out if I had good reason to be upset, or if I just needed to roll with my emotions that were there and keep them in context. But the people that I talk to have different perspectives and help me think things through, regularly challenging me, not just amplifying the narrative I'm reacting to.

Another benefit is having someone help me piece together what I'm dealing with because they can ask me questions and help explain it properly. To say that this has saved me from getting into a lot of unnecessary fights is to downplay it. It's a valuable resource if you use it to outsource your th9ught process, not if you only look for echo chambers.

It frustrates me that she couldn’t confront me about our issues in person and when I did ask her about making resolutions she didn’t give me anything. I felt like I was expected to know what I needed to do to save our marriage. It just feels like she walked away or gave up so easily…sheesh the emotions during divorce is too overwhelming.

My STBXW pulled this. If her conflict style is to avoid everything difficult or shut down when it can't be avoided, then you're not alone. Apparently, individuals who are avoidant are known to do a 180 over night because they've been sitting on the decision for some time without saying anything. My psychologist says that they have a few clients who all had this blindside around the same time as me, so I wasn't alone in feeling dumb struck.

It's not a reflection of you, it never is. She might try to claim that her not talking to you about these issues are somehow because of you, my ex loved to do that, but ultimately it's because that's the easiest way to regain a sense of control. It's not ideal, it's maladaptive, but it's the reality of things. I'm no expert, just have had to live by "the disrespect is the closure" for a while as well.

Best of luck, DMs are open if you'd like

captainchippsixx · 2023-07-19T18:59:33+00:00

Okay. Move your pay check to a different account. Move 1/2 cash to new account. If she is in your phone plan….. drop her from your plan.

A lot of planned exit wives empty the accounts.

Don’t let her know that you know. Call your family and tell then. This is important. You want to start putting daylight on this to prevent any false accusations. When your ready call her family. Then tell her you know when you are ready. Probably should get a lawyer. Keep all your keys just where you can get. Put limits on credit cards.

Mountain_Collar_7620 · 2023-07-19T21:23:20+00:00

Thank you guys you just made me realise something I hadn’t before - the way I dealt with my first girlfriend when she started screwing some older Lotario and exwife when she went cray cray is exactly how you should deal with this situation (same at Modern Work).

Try to Fix Things - when that fails, prepare a well orchestrated Ambush, tell no one, go silent execute plan , stick to the plan & make it public. The “action” part should be as short, organised, ruthless and overwhelming as possible to make sure no one wastes more time, money energy or gets needlessly hurt/insulted in the end stage. Move On.

It’s odd this only consciously registered when I read comments. I feel less sad now- I reduced suffering 😂

upvotersfortruth · 2023-07-20T01:53:55+00:00

She did in her own way, you didn't listen.

Is the bullshit fucking claim she will make because EVERYTHING is our fault. Compartmentalize to the best of your abilities and move forward with the business of the divorce. Be angry but don't get angry. Never show her your pain again, she doesn't deserve that win.

Edit: thank you for the award, kind stranger

Rustyrockets9 · 2023-07-19T21:39:32+00:00

Do we have the same ex?

Hour-Regret9531 · 2023-07-20T00:21:06+00:00

That is frustrating, brother. I’m sorry…

LinkedResponder · 2023-07-19T22:44:32+00:00

First, what's the name of the support group? Because I could use it.

Divorced in June. I'll share a similar story later.

No_Yak_9893 · 2023-07-20T08:42:37+00:00

The best thing you can do is run from the Gouvernement(NO ADVICE). They don’t want well for kids, they want bad for you.

Title	Just a quick rant. I’m going through a divorce…
Author	ddbatage
Upvotes	47
Comments	63
Date	July 19, 2023 6:02 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/15427vt/just_a_quick_rant_im_going_through_a_divorce/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/just-a-quick-rant-im-going-through-a-divorce.1225822 https://theredarchive.com/post/1225822

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