Just having a tough time

Gattsama · 2022-07-24T23:51:43+00:00

You need to work on being : physically fit, emotional fit, mentally fit and financially fit. People here keep stressing exercise because it really does help with the mood and focus. Exercise is as good if not better than most SSRI / anti-depressants for uncomplicated depression. It's the routine, improved health, mood stabilizer and self improvement. Do NOT use drugs, alcohol or other women!

This group can help, but so can other divorce groups or therapy.

Try meetups or other local get togethers. Ideally find a current or new 'man focused' group (fishing, BJJ, boxing, hike / walk / run group, gaming, etc). Don't worry about making new friends or fitting in, just the exposure of being around people is healthy. If religious join groups, volunteer, etc. The goal is to stay moving and stay busy. Sitting at home just causes you to wallow in your own feelings and your thoughts can take negative turns.

Remember, literally thousands of men have come before you, and many more are to follow. They made it and so can you. Life can suck, but we can control part of that. Most people genuinely want to help you, lean on them. You are not a bother, it's a joy to be able to care for people we love.

CRobinsFly · 2022-07-25T01:42:57+00:00

PULL UP! PULL UP! Terrain, Terrain!

You got this dude. It's hard, I understand - but we've been given a gift. Any attention you'd normally give to your ex: put it towards bettering yourself in work, physically, financially and emotionally.

I'm 3mo in and I'm largely beginning to see the end as one of the best things that's ever happened to me. I saw my ex last week to move more of my things out of town and see my daughter. My ex has clearly gained 30-50lbs in the last 3 months and is in a relationship with a loser. Meanwhile I doubled my salary and have chiseled abs and an amazing figure for the first time in my life - my only comparable time was when I was a collegiate athlete. I am confident that I can do so much better than her and will.

You can do it too!

Front-Lion-5098 · 2022-07-24T23:10:32+00:00

Dude stay strong. Better days ahead for sure. Focus on yourself.

A_Kingston · 2022-07-24T23:11:17+00:00

You cannot disconnect from people who care about you. Reconnect with them immediately. You will draw strength from them to see you through.

MortarGoBoom · 2022-07-24T23:21:01+00:00

My family, friends, and church have been a bedrock for me going through this divorce. I can't imagine not leaning on them for support and trying to do this on my own. Therapy has been huge too!

andyspnw · 2022-07-24T23:17:47+00:00

I do the same thing. My sons have helped me a lot. Being alone with my thoughts has not proven to be a good thing. I just contacted a therapist for a different point of view.

dranic · 2022-07-24T23:53:15+00:00

I know it feels like it, but it's really great on the other side of it. Long road to get there. Excercise, eat well, find a hobby, take a course, read books. There's freedom there, you get to focus entirely on yourself, which isn't something you can do in a marriage. Don't date right away, it's pretty brutal and you have the emotional baggage of American Airlines. You'll get there man

Embarrassed_Heat_153 · 2022-07-25T01:29:40+00:00

How about taking a trip somewhere? A nice weekend getaway? I’m not divorced (yet) - cheaper to keep her - and I have two kids that are my world. I recently got into golf. It’s a fun game you can play with others or by yourself…might be something to try out.

Best wishes man. Sorry to hear you’re running through a tough time.

Grousers · 2022-07-25T02:08:15+00:00

I exercise, and then exercised some more. You can meet GREAT people exercising. I also dove into a lot of audio books as well as Rogan and Peterson podcast.

STAY ACTIVE. Stay busy and improve. Inch by inch.

It takes fire to forge steel my friend.

Gonzo458 · 2022-07-25T11:23:37+00:00

Not sure if everyone that responded will get this, but man, you guys are fuckin awesome. You’re all right and I will definitely keep pushing on and will be trying and applying these suggestions.

I’m a recovering addict. I seriously can’t express enough through words how much I appreciate the answers to my cry for help. Thank you all so goddamn much.

Throughout this relationship I did abuse pain medication twice. It began when, after 5 years clean and meeting this woman, I had to have back surgery. I never stole, never disappeared, never was unfaithful, or stopped to any slimy methods typical addict methods, not that I can justify. I was a highly functioning relapsing addict though.

What I did do, shamefully, was broke the spiritual principle of trust. There is still a lot more to the situation, but ultimately that was my crime. I shamefully lied about my using.

Currently, I’m beginning a new job today in the field of which I’m going back to school for. My sister and her husband have graciously taken me in until I can get back on my feet. My first order of business besides the legalities is to get plugged back into recovery.

Again, thank you all so much for the continuous responses. It helps knowing that I’m not alone in this.

whatskeeping · 2022-07-25T00:18:48+00:00

Don't waste too much time grieving. It's still your life, don't waste it. There life post divorce/break up. There no secret potion to feel better but time and we all go through it. How you handled it after the smoke clears is what you'll judge yourself by. Steady man, go through the motions, the pain will ease up over time.

xjeeperx · 2022-07-24T23:11:50+00:00

Heard that, I lost many friendships over the course of my relationship/marriage, and don’t really want to hang out with married couples so I’ve found myself withdrawn as well.

76ersPhan11 · 2022-07-24T23:38:51+00:00

Stay strong brotha! It gets easier eventually and you’ll grow from this experience. Focus on the good things in your life, there’s always something to be thankful for. Cliche but very true.

upfnothing · 2022-07-25T00:15:15+00:00

Dude been there. This is a roller coaster of shit. You’re at peak crap and will feel good until your next terrifying and draining moment. It does not magically stop. It gradually loses momentum like any other ride and you will see your peace and humanity return. This is infinitely easier if you don’t have kids or you’re ex is not a degenerate of a human being

degs35 · 2022-07-25T00:59:57+00:00

It's hard. Find comfort in knowing you're not the only one. I keep telling myself that it's just a temporary setback. It gets easier as time goes on.

jmilrod · 2022-07-25T01:55:33+00:00

Patience is everything and always try to remember that someone out there has it 100x worse than you do. Don't beat yourself up, forgive and move on. Of course it's always easier said than done. Best of luck with everything

Longjumping-Can-6083 · 2022-07-25T02:16:09+00:00

It's completely understandable when you are first going through it. I felt so much shock and then nothing for the first month or so. It slowly turned into angry from the hurt and I immediately started to withdraw.

I went to therapy right away and resisted the urge to have an agenda. It has been very helpful. I would recommend it for you as well.

I also have been going to the gym a lot (joined one month after separation). Lost 43 lbs and working on myself. You can do that too, as others have suggested.

Find some hobbies, at first they might feel hallow but can grow on you. Read some books like No More Mr. Nice Guy.

All the best.

LDNbisKIT · 2022-07-25T02:45:43+00:00

I understand this mate. Sometimes isolating yourself feels like the best method to handle the trauma and pain that you’ve been dealing with. In reality, you need to surround yourself more people that know you, understand you and love you so that you can get through this difficult period of your life. By doing this you’ll find better methods to deal with whatever is troubling you. I did the same thing and in hindsight I regret it. I started to focus on being more active and took more time to read. I reconnected with friends I’d lost touch with. You’ll be okay mate, one step at a time, one day at a time.

WartimeDad · 2022-07-25T03:17:05+00:00

How physically fit are you? It’s amazing the doors that it will open if you get active.

Left-Fondant-4403 · 2022-07-25T05:20:12+00:00

Some of the best advice have been posted on here and honestly it wouldn’t hurt to try them. I was actually looking through the comments myself and a lot of them, I’m taking for myself. Thanks for sharing everyone, I know I didn’t start the post but it was great seeing everyone come together to help someone during the difficult times.

ncredman69 · 2022-07-25T06:50:44+00:00

Hey brother, I'm 41 was marries for 13yra and with her for 15. I worked thru it and am happier now even not seeing the kids everyday then when I was living in the home. I would argue that my kids are happier as well. If u need someone to reach out to, just message us and hopefully we can help

WiseMusician9327 · 2022-07-25T11:05:24+00:00

Workout brother! Focus on YOU, read a book. "The subtle art of not giving a fuck" is pretty good. Get rid of all the pics together, becIse its hard healing having picture of her around.

LiveByYourWits · 2022-07-25T11:40:14+00:00

Be kind and good to yourself.

Everyday: Eat. Get some exercise. Get real sleep. Watch something funny.

Remember, you will move forward.

When I was getting divorced it felt like being in a black hole.

Three years later, my life is WAY healthier.

A good therapist can help you.

People here care about you.

We know this situation is painful.

You can and will get through this.

You owe it to yourself to be kind and good to yourself.

Think of it this way: What would you tell a friend you respected and cared for if he was in your situation?

Allow yourself the same consideration you would give a friend and you will be ok.

And, people here do care and understand as well.

Buckyohare84 · 2022-07-25T12:30:04+00:00

It happens my man. Get your ass to the gym. Socialize there, and you'll start coming out of your shell. remember your friends are there for support. They don't need to hear everything, but I am sure they will listen to what's really bothering you. Good luck!

ChitownFitty · 2022-07-25T12:56:13+00:00

It is a non-stop blender for sure.. do you have kids? Either way, you have to flip the mental and emotional switch and say F this, I’m getting through this shit. Went through the same exact process but have two kids and it was during Covid being locked down in Chicago. It was brutal, we couldn’t go to the damn beach or lake or pool in the summertime nor restaurants. Poor kids went through hell but my focus was to get creative for them. Jumped a rental car and road-tripped down south where life was normal. Lots of exercise, reading, cooked a ton and upped my kitchen skills trying any and all recipes. Did a ton of home projects and built raised garden beds on our rooftop. As all the boys have shared, we all went through the same deep darkness and made it or are making to the other side- you will too. It just takes times, patience and mental toughness. Hang strong and get creative to find things, places and situations that you’ve maybe not experienced nor tried in your married life. You have been set free but it just takes time to embrace it and appreciate it. Hang in there brother, say some prayers and thank the good lord for making it this far and try to enjoy the next journey.

JonathanApple · 2022-07-26T14:25:40+00:00

Hey man, between divorce and the pandemic it has been rough. Not gonna lie. Hang in there. Hobbies for a distraction?

MonthIndividual8699 · 2022-07-31T20:58:28+00:00

I kinda know how you feel. I'm going through this right now. I stopped drinking august 2020, then she walked out. Blindsided me and my son. Went back to the budlights that night. That was my first mistake. I need to be clear and focused for my son. This was the second time she left us. First time was in 2010. She's bipolar along with other mental disorders and it was just to much. I got lazy. Sure, her bipolar was hard to live with. Not knowing when she would become manic or depressed. My life revolved around her mental health. It took on a life of its own and consummed us everyday. Me more cause i saw it all. It was to much for the both of us. She wanted to start over with a new life and just left everything. 24 years married and 27 years together. I think it will be best for both of our sanity.

Title	Just having a tough time
Author	Gonzo458
Upvotes	23
Comments	32
Date	July 24, 2022 11:09 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/w78qic/just_having_a_tough_time/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/just-having-a-tough-time.1124962 https://theredarchive.com/post/1124962

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