My Rough AM for a new separated guy

Sweaty_Royal4970 · 2024-03-23T11:25:20+00:00

We hurt more when the two "rings" of our married life, looked like two dinner-plates, one stacked upon the other, and outside of there was "the outer world" perhaps even our kids were outside. More healthy marriage and less hurting if those two rings, only had some area in common, and if that area included our kids, friends, church,. Modern boys ofte grow up with an unfulfilled longing for a father figure, and when married tries to make wife fill that void. Almost no proper active life outside of marriage. So, when she is gone, disaster strikes. Then solution is, number one, care for the kids, number 2,,care for yourself (yes grieve, sob, and slowly start building that life you deserve, instead of plunging into another similar symbiotic relation with another woman, same shit over again.

Consistent-Cut-7608 · 2024-03-21T01:41:57+00:00

I can feel ur pain bro..i am 40 and in a very similar situation…my 8 year old son tells me other day “dad i wanna move in with u.. i dont like it here…but mamma wont allow” i couldn’t sleep the whole night!!

5MOKE5_III · 2024-03-20T15:02:28+00:00

Im in my 3rd week out of house, the sobbing has almost stopped. I feel the same, i miss my best friend but she doesnt want me. Im a driver and there was so much time throughout the day where all i was doing was thinking of my wife and kids. Ive been trying to earase negative thoughts and focus on what silver lining may be there. "Every silver lining has a touch of grey" JG

16thfloor · 2024-03-19T19:38:29+00:00

Sorry to hear this dude. I know what its like. I've been separated for a year now and can only offer my perspective.

- Write down your thoughts. Call it journalling or whatever you want. If you feel lonely, it can really help with that.

- Get curious about your own emotions and behaviour, where they come from etc. A lot of us shame ourselves constantly without realising it just for having emotions. But emotions are always trying to tell us something, for better or worse. Learning to listen to my own has been the key to trusting myself again.

- Take it easy on yourself bro. This is a brave new world, you need to be there for you whether or not that means taking time to relax, do what makes you happy etc. If you have friends, great, if you don't (like I didn't) then get stuck into a project even if that project is figuring out you.

- Cry it out. Seriously. If you have to let go of some shit, just do it and don't judge yourself for doing it. Drain the tears. Crying actually makes us feel better psychologically as long as we aren't telling ourselves we're "weak" for doing it.

I can't recommend Traver Boehm highly enough as a coach for guys - he has a book about divorce which is worth a read and his Man Uncivilised book is phenomenal.

I also highly recommend the book "Healing the Shame That Binds You" when you're ready for it, its a super heavy read but incredibly enlightening.

Wishing you all the best on your journey brother, I'm on the same one, and it does get easier, even though it feels like it never will right now. It will.

rub-positive-8063 · 2024-03-19T15:38:10+00:00

If the phone/care is painfully reminding you you’re not what you wish were “home” update your contact address immediately. Stop bashing yourself over the head. This is an easy fix. You’ll get through it when you focus less on her and more on you.

playerknowmore · 2024-03-19T14:40:16+00:00

Time to be honest with yourself. She doesn't want to be with you, and she can not be your friend while she feels like this.

When your life burns down, you have to pick up what's left and move on. You have created a delusion that she is as important in your life as you. If you step back and view your whole life and be honest with yourself, you will realize you are the main character in your life. Everyone else, no matter what their value in your life, can be removed, and life will go on. Grieve the loss and invest the energy of love you have for them back into you.

You got this!

wisstinks4 · 2024-03-19T04:30:36+00:00

Get your tunes going. Music.

rhett342 · 2024-03-19T04:01:26+00:00

I got a new job that lets me work a lot of overtime. Keeps me put of the house, arp8nd other people, and I'm too tired to be sad when I am home. It helps rebuild the finances that take such a massive hit from divorce.

yes2matt · 2024-03-19T01:58:18+00:00

Hey friend. I remember that. First couple weeks out were rough. I would take breaks at work, go cry for a couple minutes, get my shit together then go work for a couple hours before I needed another break. This will pass because it has to -- your body gets physically exhausted of crying. you are not alone, you are not weak for feeling this way. It is because she is a part of you and you are being torn apart. You'll get thru it.

Consider a pet, I kept my old cat. I had her on the DL from my apartment until I talked a psych into writing me a letter authorizing an Emotional Support Animal. -- apartment can't deny or charge you for an ESA that is prescribed.

If you have a habit of writing a journal, use the hell out of that. Just spew your junk onto the page. Later you can always burn it.

I would suggest some boundaries in your quiet house.

No porn No imaginary verbal conversations. "Talking to yourself " is fine, pretending you're talking/arguing with someone else is counterproductive No/careful with alcohol. In this whole season, be careful with alcohol. No slobbing out/sleeping in. Do not let yourself go. Yiu need you to be a better man than you were, because you're going to dig out of this hole. Don't get behind on the hygiene or other personal care details.

You are going to make it. It won't be the same, you can't go back. But you can go on, and you can go better.

captainchippsixx · 2024-03-19T00:40:22+00:00

You’re out of the house and she is hunting for the next dumb ass. She will find out that single mom with kids is more of a pump and dump target.

You’re in your prime still man. Hit the gym and kick aZz on your career and being a dad. Master your finances and investments. Take a class or play sport during a free week night. You can use it to meet people or blow of steam.

Kornfan76 · 2024-03-18T21:37:52+00:00

I'm newly separated as well..hang in there.

Heavy_Guitar_4848 · 2024-03-18T21:23:20+00:00

Set some goals and start small. It’s ok to be down for a while but you’ll have to pick yourself up some point. It’ll take some time but you’ll reinvent your life.

azwildcat74 · 2024-03-18T20:16:53+00:00

The quiet sucks in the beginning, there’s no doubt about it. It really makes you focus on what happened and where you’re going from here which is painful in the beginning but when you start to use that time to set and accomplish goals and self-actualize it starts to become something you look forward to and value. I still hate when my time with my kids ends but by the next day I’m loving life again in a quiet house that’s MINE.

JimSevere0271 · 2024-03-18T18:34:09+00:00

I am sorry you are going through this. I am too.

It's been about 8 months since she left.

I can tell you that the times of grieving still exist but I don't think they're as often or as long.

One thing somebody told me on here that helps is that you absolutely cannot control how another person feels or behaves.

You are not responsible for her actions.

Selfishness is just that, selfish.

Each of our situations I'm sure are somewhat different but also similar... But the pain for all of us is real.

Someone once told me this and I'm going to tell you.

You are tough enough to get through this.

It may not feel like it now. But you will do it.

When you get feelings that come up just post on here but also make sure that you have support locally too.

Family, friends, counselors, pastors etc.

p71interceptor · 2024-03-18T17:25:58+00:00

That's fucking rough bud. I'm still at the family home but I'll tell you, on the days I don't have my two girls, and the house empty... it's incredibly lonely as well.

I get by organizing their rooms. Planning shit to do when they are back and getting ready for them. Last night I left my in-laws place after dinner and my 3.5 year old cried for me not to go. Its one thing I'll never forgive my stbxw for. The pain she's caused my oldest daughter and the trauma she's inflicted on her is too much to forgive.

I almost think I need to started riding a bike or something to their house because driving my Camaro last night, the thought of just holding the gas pedal down and never letting up crossed my mind. This shit sucks all around bud. I'm sorry you are in pain. I am too. But we have to stay strong for our kids. Hang in there.

To_Shrug · 2024-03-18T17:08:50+00:00

Brother, I'm so sorry you are having to endure this! Divorce is awful! However, it's important to look at the bright side as well. You have the opportunity to start fresh and get 100% of what you want.

Based on your post, she seems to have initiated the divorce. And while I have no idea about your situation, I suspect you noticed the friction between you and your STBX. Perhaps it was something you were willing to endure or perhaps you were just rooted in your fate. Either way, the choice is no longer yours to make. She made (yet another) decision for you and got this ball rolling (again... maybe).

It takes two to be married, but only one to be divorced. This is the great reset in your life that you never wanted, but will most likely come to appreciate - a lot!

The change is hard, its hard for you and the kids. This is your chance to embrace the quite and appreciate it for what it is - FREEDOM! I get that you didn't want the freedom and that you were happy, but, the FEEDOM is here. It takes time to acknowledge and appreciate the freedom - that's okay.

In a year from now, life will be bright - certainly much brighter than it is now. This is a transition period where you get to figure out what you really want, how you want your kids to be raised, what you want to do with your free time. Its a painfully exciting time. Just don't overlook the exciting while you are moving through the painful part.

You have found a great sub, with some great advice on pretty much anything you need help with regarding divorce. You have found an active community of men that have gone through this same sh*t too who are willing and able to provide guidance and support.

You got this - just keep looking forward and picture what would be an ideal life for you now that you have freedom you never thought you would have!

Emotional_Lettuce251 · 2024-03-18T17:07:06+00:00

Yeah ... it sucks. My phone identifies my house (where the stbx and kids live) as "work". Sort of funny, but not really.

zauriel1980 · 2024-03-18T16:00:03+00:00

I’m there too. I use Waze and had to physically change the settings so that her (still technically our) house was no longer marked as “home”. It pains me so much.

We have 50/50 custody of our little one but she more or less refuses to talk to me unless it’s a vital conversation about him, or about divorce details. She’s basically grey rocking me and I know I’m supposed to do it to her but I can’t bring myself to. I miss talking to her, about anything. She was my best friend for almost 11 years, now she’s excommunicated me and is basically trying to pretend like we never happened. It’s the most insufferable thing I’ve ever had to deal with in my life. My son is all I have now and I only get half his life.

I’m trying out CrossFit starting this evening, hoping it’ll not only be a good outlet for me (plus it’s social), but to improve myself so I’ll feel better about myself. It’s all I can think of to do at the moment while she’s out talking to and dating other guys. Hang in there.

Fatbatman1281 · 2024-03-18T15:35:17+00:00

Sorry you have to experience that pain bro. I almost refuse to fall in love again. Just do what you gotta do for your kids and time will heal that hurt. Stay strong 💪🏾✊🏾

SelectionNo3078 · 2024-03-18T15:14:40+00:00

Oh yeah. I’m in my third place since December 2021 and my car is confused as hell

Future-AI-Dude · 2024-03-18T14:57:45+00:00

Time my friend.. it is the balm for all that ails us.. Pain helps us grow, so use this time wisely.

Title	My Rough AM for a new separated guy
Author	Several-Eagle4141
Upvotes	30
Comments	30
Date	March 18, 2024 2:17 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1bhrtip/my_rough_am_for_a_new_separated_guy/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/my-rough-am-for-a-new-separated-guy.1425987 https://theredarchive.com/post/1425987

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