Ruminating, almost non-stop

Sthompson1965 · 2024-02-17T08:26:00+00:00

Same with my wife we were married 27 years. She had an affair and did a 180. Things that’s were important to her were no longer important. I don’t know why but I will never know and I am now ok with that but yes it was on my mind for a long time. I think as a women who has cheated on her husband, she has shown betrayal, deceit and lied her future looks bleak but it’s her journey.

Enough_Youth_4564 · 2024-02-17T07:31:18+00:00

Reading through this thread, the common denominator is that women change and transform into completely new personalities. Happened to me too. It feels like she is under a spell or something. A whole new person, a shadow of the person I loved. And I don’t know if this is intentional or not, but i feel like she is empowered by this “light switch” effect. I think that she thinks that she feels stronger. So I’m doing the same. Blacking out her old memories and replacing them with ugly ones just like how she turned to be.

I told her before she left the house: “what died in you, will die in me”. And it did.

divorce-drama-throw · 2024-02-16T18:02:44+00:00

This sounds so familiar. My wife suddenly changed one day, started accusing me.of being a narcissist and of abusing her. She began making crazy demands, referring to conversations we never had an event that never happened , and having public outbursts.

One night she went insane and I called 911 for mental health check they dropped her off at the hospital and drove away and she disappeared for 16 hours. Came back took one of our children and left.

6 weeks later she showed up with a restraining order to get me out of the house and forced me away from the older son that was staying with us. Had pictures of a bruise that I had never seen. Claiming that I had hurt her. We hadn't been together in 6 weeks.

It's been a year since then in a constant fight to get time with my younger son. My older son eventually came back to live with me after she put him in a Mental Health institution twice for disagreeing with her.

Around Christmas I found out that she had been dating since 2 months after we broke up. And she's dating my sister's ex-boyfriend. A man that beat my sister regularly, got her hooked on heroin, and hung my toddler nephew out of window by his ankles.

I wonder if they were seeing each other before. She said she was receiving support and validation from someone. This man once threatened to take away my wife and show her what a real man was.

The way she acts, the way she talks, the way she treats her children, her relationship with this absolute piece of shit.. I've been saying over and over, it's like she died, and a demon took over her body and is working to actively defile her memory. It just fucking sucks.

Gkuse · 2024-02-16T10:43:11+00:00

I feel ya …same thing brewing for me here. Time will heal us…it’s a fight until then, all I can do is stay strong and keep working on me. It’s cliche and I’m tired of hearing it but people say get a hobby keep your mind busy…not easy when she pops into your mind regardless of what you’re doing. It’s a struggle but time will heal and my faith in god will guide me on the right path. Good luck….stay strong 💪

FlyingSaucer51 · 2024-02-16T07:20:07+00:00

I was with mine for 15 years.

She made me feel we shared every love in common.

Then COVID. Then she got paranoid and began acting like a stranger.

Watching her pull away was horrific. The way she looked at me was with such disgust and hate.

It was as if the person I love was possessed or had died. I’ve never experienced ANYTHING more painful in my life. Still hurts 2 years later. I still don’t understand.

I hate every moment I lose missing her…as I am sure she’s having a blast and couldn’t care less about me.

Sweaty_Ad_9820 · 2024-02-16T00:04:28+00:00

God Damn. Its similar to my situation. The minute my son was born I knew it all changed. Trying to work my way out w divorce being finalized. Its so hard when someone wont compromise. Unless you do exactly as told the tantrums and verbal abuse begins. I feel pretty crappy because its impossible to make this work. I feel like I am being used for labor, finances and convience. So tough to get out and hold your head high. Good luck.

EDITORDIE · 2024-02-15T23:51:09+00:00

I can relate to what you've written here. Im slightly further out than you, (an extra 6 months or so) and have (young) kids. My ex completely changed. A shadow of her former self. Selfish, cold, resentful, confrontational, and no remorse. It's...jarring to say the least.

I spent many months beating myself up, with her criticism of me, and her justification of cheating, ringing in my ears. Did a lot of therapy and still do. It helps. Eventually turned a corner, saw how ridiculous her accusations were, and began to reframe the relationship and my part in it, from a a more objective viewpoint. Also examined her part in things, too, of course. It made me angry and sad and frustrated. Why couldnt she engage? Why do this? Arent we better than this? All questions Im sure you wrestle with.

Feel your feelings when they come up. Really try to identify what it is you are feeling, and why. What triggers them specifically. Sit with them. Cry. Get it out. Dont bottle it up. Dont drown yourself in booze or worse. Just sit with it. Embrace the shitstorm. Take it day by day, nothing more than that initially.

The common denominator in every post here is time. You dont get over this stuff. You just learn to get on with it. Battered and bruised, you learn to take one step at a time. After some time of bouncing along the bottom, you'll look back and realize you're actually a few inches from the bottom...your progressing. The trajectory will eventually continue on an upward trend. But there will be troughs. You'll wallow in the whitewash some days. Get caught offguard by a wave on another that'll leave you gasping for air like a punch in the gut. But you'll learn to harden. You'll find a way to see the blows coming and learn how to weave out of the way. This is your life now.

You've been through hell. And you are still in the midst of it. We all are, just at different milestones. One day you'll be here offering your own advice. Until then, be kind to yourself. Make the right decisions that serve you. Dont be consumed by bitterness. Get the feelings out. Go to therapy.

And yeah, there's women and the gym and booze and all kinds of other ways of coping. But fuck that. Right now. In this moment. Be kind to you.

You got this.

DM me if you wanna chat.

warrior_up · 2024-02-15T22:27:09+00:00

I look back now and I am embarrassed/ashamed for feeling the way you are right now.

Should have left the bitch years ago, foolish fool

MidniteOG · 2024-02-15T21:36:53+00:00

Having a kid is life changing, literally and figuratively. I don’t have an answer for you, but I can relate. I wa put second, and for a while that was ok bc it was our first child. But then resentment grew, the blame game started, and t dissolved. That’s all I know, and I am still seeking answers.

Fwooply · 2024-02-15T21:32:27+00:00

Yeah, same. The frequency lessened with time. And perspective shifted. But it's still a daily or weekly thing.

I could work with depression. Exercise, journaling, medication, and therapy all helped a lot. But I haven't found anything that helps with the what-ifs besides time.

Dating is totally different. They either need me too much - which is a problem for me. I'm not getting back into another dependency. Or they don't need me at all. I'm finding too many self-actualized women who have changed their goals to "I need someone to pay half of my Europe trip. And I need a quick release handle."

It's only been a year tho. I'm sure there's someone out there who wants to rebuild with me.

summitsummitsummit · 2024-02-15T21:14:44+00:00

Pretty much exact same position mate only 3 kids. Good days and bad days but the bad days can be quite something. Happy to talk if you ever need to. I’ve found whenever I get down or upset I immediately do some weights and then make plans to see anyone, family, friends and just talk.

Capable_Luck_2817 · 2024-02-15T20:06:06+00:00

Your divorce was very recent. The more you love, the longer it will take you to move on. Gotta give yourself some time.

Psychological-Point8 · 2024-02-15T19:01:41+00:00

It's hard and no amount of people telling you one thing or another is going to change it. It's comes from within when it feels It's finally time to move on. Your on your own timeliness no one elses.

Canadian_builder1081 · 2024-02-15T18:58:13+00:00

Sometimes i read a post and wonder if my subconscious wrote it while i was sleeping. I relate to much of what you wrote and have been working through these feelings for the better part of 2 years.

May i suggest the book “no more mr nice guy” as well as a focus inward to rebuild yourself. Its ok to grieve the loss of the family unit and with it, the loss of those long term family aspirations, but its more important you find a way to forgive yourself and start rebuilding version 2.0 of you.

Reflog1791 · 2024-02-15T18:24:05+00:00

Learning to end ruminations is a skill to be learned through practice. There are many different techniques. I learned them in counseling and they work with enough practice. It comes down to a fundamental mind shift that you can control your feelings, behaviors, and actions. For example, you can practice mindfulness. Look it up on YouTube. You sit for 10 minutes and listen to your own breath. If a negative thought comes in, just flick it out. If it comes back, flick it out again, like a bug on your shoulder.

Other ways are do 50 push-ups. It will end a rumination. If it comes back 10 minutes later do 50 more push-ups (if you stop in exhaustion that’s great).

Good routines at morning and night are like magic. Read a book before bed with a cup of tea. Take a walk in the morning. Make eggs and coffee with music on and dance around the kitchen.

These things are not easy but they do work.

foookie · 2024-02-15T18:02:19+00:00

Mine turned a complete stranger, I truly know now what it means to be discarded like I meant nothing.

Hers stemming from an affair. She really went all out for this guy and morphed into his plaything. She fell for him completely, a married dirtbag that knew she was “married”.

Her dormant libido came alive and I discovered many naked pictures and dozens of selfies she sent him and all the love quotes and texts about sneaking around.

I was devastated.

The approaching signs were there, but I was blind to them. The weight loss, getting her eyebrows done, doing her hair every day and wearing more makeup than I ever remembered.

Also reconnecting with old girlfriends, the single ones that still party. That was a huge red flag and let her know before I knew that it wasn’t a good idea. Now she’s part of that crew of promiscuous middle aged single mom’s. A one time homebody. I would have never guessed.

Then came the packages of lingerie and club attire, skirts and party clothes regularly delivered to the front door. I opened many and threw them away, the others I found in her dresser.

The coldness and absolute disdain for me was all over her face and actions. I had to find out everything myself through the lies and denials.

The mind movies and ruminations continue even though we’re divorced.

She obtained her wish, she’s now messing around with a guy 12 years younger and is at the clubs drinking and partying every weekend that I have my son.

She’s 43 and a completely different person, I mean unrecognizable. It hurts to see her look so good and I happened to see videos of her at the clubs and hearing from my son about the guy she’s banging.

As far as the guy she cheated on me with, he’s probably still in the picture as well. She is loving all the validation she gets from young men.

Was my marriage all a dream? I don’t know anymore, I don’t think I ever knew her and that breaks my heart to this day.

Cheb44 · 2024-02-15T17:39:25+00:00

There is no understanding it man. Mine has told me all kinds of reasons why. While there’s truth to some of it, she really just couldn’t handle the stress we were dealing with in life.

She has gone off the deep end twice, both times while dealing with extreme life stress, but apparently that’s just a coincidence.

GravityIsForRookies · 2024-02-15T17:21:21+00:00

I struggle with rumination as well. Like you, it’s like the woman I feel in love with died and was replaced by a total stranger.

dday_throwaway3 · 2024-02-15T17:18:53+00:00

This is the best advice I've read about post-divorce dating and reconstruction: https://forum.mensdivorce.com/viewtopic.php?t=81647

Hope it helps you.

Title	Ruminating, almost non-stop
Author	LuvDonkeeButts
Upvotes	32
Comments	48
Date	February 15, 2024 5:00 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1ark6vf/ruminating_almost_nonstop/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/ruminating-almost-non-stop.1245490 https://theredarchive.com/post/1245490

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