Yesterday I was filled with righteous anger about her affair and this bullshit situation. I went to yoga, hit the gym twice, I was feeling better with the support of this sub and reading the books recommended. Hell, I even ate 3 full meals (first time in 3.5 months). I got out of the shower, looked in the mirror, and recognized the body of someone I used to admire 15 years ago.

I had all these plans today, I was going to go to yoga, eat a big breakfast burrito, hit the gym, go mountain bike, yoga again, and finish our taxes…

I couldn’t sleep last night. All night I was ruminating on how she ruined our marriage and tuned it into a shit soup. I don’t know what was real anymore.

I kept thinking about the new lingerie I saw in our closet months ago and how stupid I feel about being excited to eventually see her wear (we had a dead bedroom and I realize that lingerie was never for me to see anyways).

I kept thinking about this other guy and how he and I are so fucking different; thinking about how much I hate him. I became so sad for his wife and kids. I have convinced myself that this affair has been going on since the first year of our marriage.

I decided that our years of dead bedroom was in large part due to her infidelity and my decline into dissatisfaction and depression was from her lack of emotional and physical affection (not from my lack of personal or moral character).

Fast forward to today…my big day of plans to fill my time without my son…I can’t get out of bed in this shitty rented apartment. It’s noon. My body hurts, I overdid it at the gym. I am exhausted from lack of sleep. My righteous anger-inspired motivation is gone. I am feeling like shit for disappointing myself. I am a grown ass man and I can’t motivate myself to start my day.

I was feeling so much better last night and now I feel like I’m back at the bottom. My grief process has slammed back to denial. “This can’t be happening” “there is no way we don’t work this out” “we have too many things going for us”. All of this is completely illogical, but for some reason it makes me feel better to think it. Sitting in a state of hope is a respite for me right now.

I don’t think there is anything to do here. I’m eventually going to have to get up. I hope I can find the motivation to do something. I know that time will keep moving forward. It feels extra shitty that it is a beautiful day outside. A beautiful day after the absolute worst winter of my life.

This too shall pass, and I’ll feel different about this when I feel different about this.