What did you learn from your divorce?

LaughGlittering4131 · 2025-10-14T03:43:06+00:00

you never loved her

_CaptainCooter_ · 2025-10-14T02:50:59+00:00

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

Rentasauce_Man · 2025-10-14T02:31:07+00:00

I learned not to ignore red flags because she's pretty, I learned family law pretty well, I learned past stuff needs to be addressed and properly fixed before continuing, I learned the narcissists playbook, and I learned I have had strong codependency issues since I was a kid. I'm working through those now. I'm pretty satisfied how much progress I have made in that area, and if you don't like it, then that's an ishyou, not and ishme.

I learned so much, and a lot of it I needed to learn. I still don't feel like it was worth the cost, though, and I probably never will. A lot of the good things that made me who I am and were things I loved about myself are gone now. And I wish I could have them back.

r2va_27 · 2025-10-14T02:00:59+00:00

Learned how incredibly unfair the system is to men, until the laws change drastically never get remarried

malsell · 2025-10-13T19:10:28+00:00

1) never trust that a person truly is the way they portray themselves, especially in the beginning of a relationship. 2) know your partner's finances 3) make the rules before getting serious 4) stand your ground 5) be prepared

SireSweet · 2025-10-13T01:24:40+00:00

What I learned: fuck the system.

If I had the opportunity, I’d never had to learn the hard ways the system can fuck men over for nothing.

bfreader · 2025-10-12T22:38:28+00:00

Know your boundaries and values. Write them down
Be willing to walk away from the relationship when your boundaries and values are consistently dismissed, ridiculed, or not respected
Have the hard conversations sooner than later. Relationships die in the conversations that don’t happen. If you think the conversation might lead to a relationship rupture, all the more reason to have it sooner
The relationship will want to grow. You have to grow, too, for it to survive (and so does your partner)
"For better or worse" means the external challenges you two face together as a team. "Worse" doesn't mean taking on a toxic relationship where you’re the only one wanting to improve things
Take accountability for what you do
Do self reflection (I.e. learn and grow)
Be empathetic - continue to improve this
For men: the relationship loses when you “win” an argument. Instead listen to the emotions of what’s being said and respond to that. Forget about the exact words they’re saying (IOW, don’t dig a hole with your logic shovel and be satisfied you’ve proved your point to some invisible jury)
State your needs clearly. No one can read minds

Despite all this, it takes two. You have to decide to stay based on what’s in front of you (what are actions, not words), not the dream of what you’d like or future promises that they’re saying.

Baboonofpeace · 2025-10-13T12:19:15+00:00

That evil can come in a pretty package.

IcyMycologist4837 · 2025-10-12T22:28:33+00:00

You’re 35 and learned a lot of life lessons. Use them going forward in your life. And always have a prenuptial agreement.

liquid-icee · 2025-10-12T22:00:10+00:00

Don’t ignore the red flags, she’s not gonna change for you or just because you’re married.

I knew what kind of person she was, the long list of exs, the drug use, the constant bad decisions that she took zero accountability for. I got the “you’re the first guy to treat me right” speech.

I was uneasy about it but chose to ignore everything because I liked the attention and sex. It was my own damn fault and I shouldn’t have been so surprised when things were rocky that she wanted out and another guy had “surfaced” ready to take my place.

That1TimeN99 · 2025-10-12T21:06:18+00:00

Do not ignore the red flags when dating someone you feel like you can marry. Do believe that their red flags are flaws you can deal with or are not a big deal. It only gets worse when you marry.

Ark161 · 2025-10-12T18:57:05+00:00

Nothing you can do will prevent them from leaving. Even if you honor your vows. Even if you accept their faults. It will mean nothing when they choose it to mean nothing.

Thinking back on it, we were happy with the bare minimums in life. We would watch shitty movies and crack up together; then at some point something changed. It was like the day we got married, something shifted. The crude jokes stopped, the smaller acts of love mattered less, and sex slowed down to a crawl (then eventually stopped). By her own admission, there was nothing I could have done to change the outcome. It didnt matter that I was there for her in every way I could be. It didnt matter that we had a plan. It didnt matter that we both understood our shortcomings and agreed on how to address them. Two years straight without intimacy because I tried to respect her sensitivities. Was I perfect? Absolutely not, but I sure as shit tried to make things work.

I am happy for the good times we had, and allow that to balance out the bullshit. I can't bring myself to hate her, but if she tried to come back into my life, I wouldnt be able to accept it.

Hereforthatandthis · 2025-10-12T18:09:59+00:00

That you need to be accountable for yourself and blaming your ex for everything is childish and immature. And if you’re still doing that post divorce, especially years later: you’re a child.

nonotmeporfavor · 2025-10-12T17:49:38+00:00

How your enemy can sleep next to you for so many years.

midlife-madness · 2025-10-12T17:31:26+00:00

Focused all our energy on our kids and not each other or our relationship. Didn’t know how to communicate needs with each other. That’s kind of the core of it. Tried to change / control each other, etc. similar thread to what you wrote.

Totesmagotes24x7 · 2025-10-12T17:28:11+00:00

Funny. Reading this and I feel I could've written this word for word almost. I've personally learned that I've been co-dependent my whole life. I've never been happy by myself and needed a partner to make me feel whole which is not a good thing. My advice to you is take a break from dating and make sure you are good yourself. I myself want nothing more than to be with another woman but know I need time to heal and fix myself. Good luck in the future bud.

Ok-Republic2530 · 2025-10-12T17:14:59+00:00

Never really give 100% to another adult

Title	What did you learn from your divorce?
Author	WreckedMind99
Upvotes	29
Comments	30
Date	October 12, 2025 4:43 PM UTC (10 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1o4txmc/what_did_you_learn_from_your_divorce/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/what-did-you-learn-from-your-divorce.1563958 https://theredarchive.com/post/1563958

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